(no subject)
I've thought a lot recently, about deleting this journal-- and either letting that be that, or starting another one here. I've been fighting the desire to do that, because somewhere a little, undeniable sliver thinks that I'll find this valuable, some day. I just need to convince myself that turning back and seeing another person here, in May 2001, isn't hypocracy, but growth. It isn't ignorance, but a learning curve in itself. It wasn't a denial of someone where was there, the entire time, or stupidity, or ignorance, it was just different.
I've had a few problems recently, and this seems as good a time as any for a catharsis, which I'll try to keep brief. I didn't go to any of my classes this week. I was home, doing nothing, at all... with my time, with my life, with my studies, with my friends... nothing. Showers were sparse as well (as i'm sure you needed to know) And as of wednesday I had convinced myself and my parents that I was kind of dead, and it would be best to withdraw for the semester until i figured what was wrong. By thursday, I had kind of realized that whatever I would gain, from not completing this semsester would be drastically outweighed by the profound sense of utter failure i'd feel. So, i'm going back tomorrow, to class at least, maybe not back to live yet. There has just been compounding problems at school.
The first is, and i hate it for being a real issue, the food. I know there are horror stories about college food, and its just a huge... stereotype based largely in some kind of truth in our society, but I feel like this has such a strong psychological impact on me while i'm there. I can't really eat on campus... which is actually worse for loosing weight than an abundance of good food. The disgustingness of the food is only surpassed by the underlying disposition of disrespect and apathy it embodies.
The second are my friends. I love all of them so much-- and they're probably about 80-90% of the reason i'm still there (which may, or may not be unhealthy and unreasonable). I just feel like I can't escape them. Which isn't a critique of them, but one of me. I just can't bring myself to feel any sense of emotional or physical privacy there, oddly enough, even when i'm alone. Which really, and I can't stress this enough, isn't their fault, or mine... just the truth about how I'm reacting to my living situation.
I don't really know what would, or could make me happy there, and this semester was supposed to be an attempt to really look for that, but I can't really help but feel like I've failed at that already. I'm kind of happy with the fact that i'll at least try to fix that... but i'm worried to say the least. And any happiness I might feel about the situation is relative at best. The honest truth is, something is offbeat, I don't know what it is, or what they are, but its making me unhappy.
There are other external factors, things that aren't at school, but factor in immensly. The first thing that comes to mind is Altair. I've been a horrible friend to her. We haven't spoken in two months, roughly since New Years. We aren't fighting, I'm not mad, literally nothing happened. Although, she'd have every right to be mad at me... or worse, hasn't notice or doesn't care that I'm not there. There just isn't anything. I have 12 voicemails on my phone i haven't checked in at least 5 weeks. I don't check my e-mails... I really just don't want to know what people want from me. What a world it would be if what I wanted to give aligned perfectly with what people expected, eh? But to summarize this thought. I wouldn't blame Altair if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I would feel betrayed, from this kind of lack of communication. I wasn't very good at it last semester. But we literally haven't spoken in two months. I haven't heard her voice, in that amount of time. And I really struggle to understand why, if I miss her as badly as I do... like there was a hole in one of my lungs, haven't i picked up the phone.
The short answer is that I'm stupid. And the long one is that it's probably the exact same reason i'm unhappy, or a symptom of it.
I'm so sorry
I haven't been sleeping well. I usually go to bed around this time... 3-6 in the morning. And sleep in late. I've missed a handful of classes besides this week because of my strange hours... but I should also mention that the sleep I do get, is usually of poor quality. I've tried resetting, and it hasn't worked.
My father is working full time now. He's making good money (as opposed to bad money?) -- almost enough, even. He seems to really enjoy his work, which he tells me, he hasn't felt since 1993. I'm happy for him, but it doesn't make "home life" feel any different.
My mother is unemployed now, and has been for a few months, about 5 or 6. Lets just say, her sympathy for my father, with regards to his emotional state during unemployment, has drastically increased.
Maybe I'll see ultraviolet... I'm in the mood for some senseless violence, in tight leather (that changes colors?). Lord knows i have better things to do, but its not like a do them. If only she were a boy my own age.
Well, I guess that the deal. I can't really think of anything else to say.
I should shave.
Okay, thats it.
I've had a few problems recently, and this seems as good a time as any for a catharsis, which I'll try to keep brief. I didn't go to any of my classes this week. I was home, doing nothing, at all... with my time, with my life, with my studies, with my friends... nothing. Showers were sparse as well (as i'm sure you needed to know) And as of wednesday I had convinced myself and my parents that I was kind of dead, and it would be best to withdraw for the semester until i figured what was wrong. By thursday, I had kind of realized that whatever I would gain, from not completing this semsester would be drastically outweighed by the profound sense of utter failure i'd feel. So, i'm going back tomorrow, to class at least, maybe not back to live yet. There has just been compounding problems at school.
The first is, and i hate it for being a real issue, the food. I know there are horror stories about college food, and its just a huge... stereotype based largely in some kind of truth in our society, but I feel like this has such a strong psychological impact on me while i'm there. I can't really eat on campus... which is actually worse for loosing weight than an abundance of good food. The disgustingness of the food is only surpassed by the underlying disposition of disrespect and apathy it embodies.
The second are my friends. I love all of them so much-- and they're probably about 80-90% of the reason i'm still there (which may, or may not be unhealthy and unreasonable). I just feel like I can't escape them. Which isn't a critique of them, but one of me. I just can't bring myself to feel any sense of emotional or physical privacy there, oddly enough, even when i'm alone. Which really, and I can't stress this enough, isn't their fault, or mine... just the truth about how I'm reacting to my living situation.
I don't really know what would, or could make me happy there, and this semester was supposed to be an attempt to really look for that, but I can't really help but feel like I've failed at that already. I'm kind of happy with the fact that i'll at least try to fix that... but i'm worried to say the least. And any happiness I might feel about the situation is relative at best. The honest truth is, something is offbeat, I don't know what it is, or what they are, but its making me unhappy.
There are other external factors, things that aren't at school, but factor in immensly. The first thing that comes to mind is Altair. I've been a horrible friend to her. We haven't spoken in two months, roughly since New Years. We aren't fighting, I'm not mad, literally nothing happened. Although, she'd have every right to be mad at me... or worse, hasn't notice or doesn't care that I'm not there. There just isn't anything. I have 12 voicemails on my phone i haven't checked in at least 5 weeks. I don't check my e-mails... I really just don't want to know what people want from me. What a world it would be if what I wanted to give aligned perfectly with what people expected, eh? But to summarize this thought. I wouldn't blame Altair if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I would feel betrayed, from this kind of lack of communication. I wasn't very good at it last semester. But we literally haven't spoken in two months. I haven't heard her voice, in that amount of time. And I really struggle to understand why, if I miss her as badly as I do... like there was a hole in one of my lungs, haven't i picked up the phone.
The short answer is that I'm stupid. And the long one is that it's probably the exact same reason i'm unhappy, or a symptom of it.
I'm so sorry
I haven't been sleeping well. I usually go to bed around this time... 3-6 in the morning. And sleep in late. I've missed a handful of classes besides this week because of my strange hours... but I should also mention that the sleep I do get, is usually of poor quality. I've tried resetting, and it hasn't worked.
My father is working full time now. He's making good money (as opposed to bad money?) -- almost enough, even. He seems to really enjoy his work, which he tells me, he hasn't felt since 1993. I'm happy for him, but it doesn't make "home life" feel any different.
My mother is unemployed now, and has been for a few months, about 5 or 6. Lets just say, her sympathy for my father, with regards to his emotional state during unemployment, has drastically increased.
Maybe I'll see ultraviolet... I'm in the mood for some senseless violence, in tight leather (that changes colors?). Lord knows i have better things to do, but its not like a do them. If only she were a boy my own age.
Well, I guess that the deal. I can't really think of anything else to say.
I should shave.
Okay, thats it.