Talking's just a waste of breath and living's just a waste of death...
Look, I know I've been "making steps" in the right direction for the last year and all that bullshit, but every recovery must include some backsliding, so you'll have to forgive me just this once.
I am not good for anyone. Especially not for Nick. He's such a good-hearted person, so kind and so happy. No matter how many bad things happen he always finds something to smile about. He counts his blessings. And those of you who know me well know that just isn't me.
I know I've said it before but I've never been more serious about it. I am killing him, slowly. I am draining that happiness right out of him, doing everything in my power to make him as miserable as I am. Because when I'm hurting, feeling lonely, feeling like a failure, I can't stand to see him happy. I am going to destroy him and he is going to resent me. I can already see it.
For years I have thought that I have PMDD and for years people have told me that either a) I am blowing things out of proportion or b) I only think that because I saw it on an episode of SVU or c) that I'm being paranoid.
Not only is that kind of thinking just flawed, it's harmful. It's dismissive. And in the words of Nirvana, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you."
No matter what anyone says, I refuse to believe that it is normal to be perfectly happy the majority of the month, and then during and right before my period, to suddenly begin hating everything about myself and my life - hating my relationship, my family, my home, my job. Picking fights with Nick, not being able to be productive at work. It isn't normal to just sit in the bath and cry and stare at my Gillette razor. Not normal to not be able to sleep and to eat everything in sight, such that my weight fluctuates about 15 lbs every month. I can never lose weight because I spend 3 weeks every month trying to lose back the 15 lbs I gained while I was on my period. I go to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep but somehow end up getting about 5, in 2 hour intervals which prevents me from getting anything closely resembling REM sleep in. I hate that my doctor won't consider anything but Zoloft or birth control as a corrective measure. Yes, there are a billion other reasons why I should be on birth control, but as a mood stabilizer I find it useless.
More than anything, I hate that my lack of stability is killing my boyfriend. He has no idea what to do with me. What he does know is that I make him miserable every month. So we fight. We fight for a week and then it takes me another week to work my way back into his good graces, and then we have 2 good weeks - just enough time for him to remember why he loves me before it's back to fighting again. In fact, if it wasn't for those two weeks, we'd probably have broken up already. I hate that I have to hate myself so much and I hate that I drag him down with me.
And I am completely powerless to control it.
But no matter what is wrong with me, it doesn't give me the right to treat him that way. It doesn't. I can't stand it when I see him walking toward me with a smile on his face and then two minutes later he is left baffled, upset, with no smile and nothing to be happy about.
I need to find some way to redirect my anger. Anywhere but him.
I am not good for anyone. Especially not for Nick. He's such a good-hearted person, so kind and so happy. No matter how many bad things happen he always finds something to smile about. He counts his blessings. And those of you who know me well know that just isn't me.
I know I've said it before but I've never been more serious about it. I am killing him, slowly. I am draining that happiness right out of him, doing everything in my power to make him as miserable as I am. Because when I'm hurting, feeling lonely, feeling like a failure, I can't stand to see him happy. I am going to destroy him and he is going to resent me. I can already see it.
For years I have thought that I have PMDD and for years people have told me that either a) I am blowing things out of proportion or b) I only think that because I saw it on an episode of SVU or c) that I'm being paranoid.
Not only is that kind of thinking just flawed, it's harmful. It's dismissive. And in the words of Nirvana, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you."
No matter what anyone says, I refuse to believe that it is normal to be perfectly happy the majority of the month, and then during and right before my period, to suddenly begin hating everything about myself and my life - hating my relationship, my family, my home, my job. Picking fights with Nick, not being able to be productive at work. It isn't normal to just sit in the bath and cry and stare at my Gillette razor. Not normal to not be able to sleep and to eat everything in sight, such that my weight fluctuates about 15 lbs every month. I can never lose weight because I spend 3 weeks every month trying to lose back the 15 lbs I gained while I was on my period. I go to bed in time to get 8 hours of sleep but somehow end up getting about 5, in 2 hour intervals which prevents me from getting anything closely resembling REM sleep in. I hate that my doctor won't consider anything but Zoloft or birth control as a corrective measure. Yes, there are a billion other reasons why I should be on birth control, but as a mood stabilizer I find it useless.
More than anything, I hate that my lack of stability is killing my boyfriend. He has no idea what to do with me. What he does know is that I make him miserable every month. So we fight. We fight for a week and then it takes me another week to work my way back into his good graces, and then we have 2 good weeks - just enough time for him to remember why he loves me before it's back to fighting again. In fact, if it wasn't for those two weeks, we'd probably have broken up already. I hate that I have to hate myself so much and I hate that I drag him down with me.
And I am completely powerless to control it.
But no matter what is wrong with me, it doesn't give me the right to treat him that way. It doesn't. I can't stand it when I see him walking toward me with a smile on his face and then two minutes later he is left baffled, upset, with no smile and nothing to be happy about.
I need to find some way to redirect my anger. Anywhere but him.