(no subject)
so i've gone and made a huge mistake. maybe i thought i was okay, or maybe i thought this time it might be different. but its not different and i'm not any better. i committed myself to him, only to later on find out that i am more attached to the idea of loving someone than i am to actually having the feelings themself. i don't have the heart to tell him this, so i'm just going to wallow around in my own sorrow for awhile, and the fact that he lives 5 hours away will probably just make it easier to avoid the truth.
i'm just stuck in this extremely hard place in my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore. i've never wanted to get married or have kids, and i still don't think i want to. i hate when people tell me that i will change my mind, because i dont FUCKING WANT to change my mind. i dont want to live the life of the normal suburban lifestyle. i dont want to have kids and drive them to school and soccar and have to cook dinner for my husband every night. never before i met joe did i think i wanted to get married. but i met joe, and i started to reconsider. he's the faithful type, traditional good looks, comes from a good family, has a solid career in front of him, not to mention he'll get a FAT inheritance from his parents one day. i met him and i thought i changed. i thought that maybe one day i would want that monotonous lifestyle of coming home to the same person and laying down next to them every night. i played the role for a few weeks, up until the point where he asked me to make a commitment and engage in an actual, titled relationship with him. i said yes, and thought it was what i wanted. now i'm kicking myself because i'm realizing that its all wrong.
my last relationship fucked me up more than i ever would have imagined. i can't love anyone right now, i can't commit myself to anyone. i don't even know how to love myself anymore, so i can't ask anyone else to do it for me. i'm so needy, i have so many issues, and its not fair to dump that onto a man and expect him to know how to deal with it and how to fix me every day. i never know what i want from him, sone days i just want him to leave me alone, and other days i want him to have the answer for everything. some days i hate the fact that he came from a good family that actually likes each other, and other days i hate him because he will never understand the torment i go through with my own family every day. some days i want to be attached to his side, other days i just want him to have more of his own friends to go out and be with. some days i like the fact that we're different, but other days that fact scares me because i know in the end it's going to be nothing but one huge clash. all of this leads up to me being one huge, bipolar nutcase that is impossible for him to deal with. and at the end of it all, i've come to realize that i'm not ready to let anyone in. i just liked the idea of having someone there again. i don't have feelings for joe, i just liked the idea of FEELING for once.
one step forward. two steps back.
i'm just stuck in this extremely hard place in my life where nothing seems to make sense anymore. i've never wanted to get married or have kids, and i still don't think i want to. i hate when people tell me that i will change my mind, because i dont FUCKING WANT to change my mind. i dont want to live the life of the normal suburban lifestyle. i dont want to have kids and drive them to school and soccar and have to cook dinner for my husband every night. never before i met joe did i think i wanted to get married. but i met joe, and i started to reconsider. he's the faithful type, traditional good looks, comes from a good family, has a solid career in front of him, not to mention he'll get a FAT inheritance from his parents one day. i met him and i thought i changed. i thought that maybe one day i would want that monotonous lifestyle of coming home to the same person and laying down next to them every night. i played the role for a few weeks, up until the point where he asked me to make a commitment and engage in an actual, titled relationship with him. i said yes, and thought it was what i wanted. now i'm kicking myself because i'm realizing that its all wrong.
my last relationship fucked me up more than i ever would have imagined. i can't love anyone right now, i can't commit myself to anyone. i don't even know how to love myself anymore, so i can't ask anyone else to do it for me. i'm so needy, i have so many issues, and its not fair to dump that onto a man and expect him to know how to deal with it and how to fix me every day. i never know what i want from him, sone days i just want him to leave me alone, and other days i want him to have the answer for everything. some days i hate the fact that he came from a good family that actually likes each other, and other days i hate him because he will never understand the torment i go through with my own family every day. some days i want to be attached to his side, other days i just want him to have more of his own friends to go out and be with. some days i like the fact that we're different, but other days that fact scares me because i know in the end it's going to be nothing but one huge clash. all of this leads up to me being one huge, bipolar nutcase that is impossible for him to deal with. and at the end of it all, i've come to realize that i'm not ready to let anyone in. i just liked the idea of having someone there again. i don't have feelings for joe, i just liked the idea of FEELING for once.
one step forward. two steps back.