(no subject)
i had the biggest fight ever with my brother earlier in the week, and i don't know how long it will take us to recover from it. he did a lot of stupid shit, because he always does stupid shit, and i snapped and blew up on him. he got arrested. and i suppose the moment i realized i had to bail my brother out of jail was the moment i snapped. (now, let me interrupt to mention this. he's the fifth person i've had to bail out of jail, and i'm sick of it. from now on, if anyone gets arrested, i don't care. i may be the only person you know who can pull $5000 out of the bank to bail you out, but don't even think about it because i'm not doing it anymore. everyone can sit in jail and rot for all i fucking care.) i screamed at him and told him he's going nowhere in life and that he's a huge loser and a worthless piece of shit. i probably said the meanest things to him he's ever heard in his life, but a lot of that is because everyone, including my parents, worships him for some strange reason. he got mad at me and we screamed at each other and i threw him out of the car and locked him out of the house, and then he broke into the house and we screamed some more. i was shaking and crying for about four hours that day. i still haven't spoken to him since then. i know i really blew up on him, but i'm thinking that maybe it shouldn't have all been directed at him. i think i took my frustrations from everyone i know and dumped it all on him. i'm just so sick and tired of working hard at making myself as good as i can be, and watching everyone else around me let themselves rot away into nothing. i want to move away from here because i feel like it's just weighing me down. i'm such a non-enthusiastic person, and i hate that. but i think thats because nobody around me has ever been like that. everyone is stupid and lazy and worthless. (okay, maybe not everyone, but just let me rant here.) i wish i had someone who was motivated in the same way i was. someone i could talk to about working two jobs and going to school at the same time. someone who i could talk to about college. someone i could talk to about living in a house where everyone is always stoned and i'm the only sober one. someone i could move out with and who will be responsible about paying bills and not being a huge slob. it's things like this that make me feel like i'm so alone in the world, and which make me wonder if i'll ever find another friend who i can really relate to on all levels. a lot of the time i think people get sick of hearing me talk like this, i bet everyone thinks i'm conceited because i make it sound like i'm so much better than everyone else. thats what my dad tells me all the time anyway. whenever i say things to him, he snaps at me and tells me that i need a reality check because i'm not as great as i think i am. so maybe thats what everyone else thinks of me, too.
on another note, i ran into my biggest enemy from high school today. it could have been really bad and akward, only it turned out okay because she didn't recognize me. either my brown hair and glasses make me look totally different.. or they make me look totally ugly and she thought to herself, "that can't possibly be megan!" it could be either one. but either way, i still wanted to smash her face in. ahh.. high school grudges will never die.
on another note, i ran into my biggest enemy from high school today. it could have been really bad and akward, only it turned out okay because she didn't recognize me. either my brown hair and glasses make me look totally different.. or they make me look totally ugly and she thought to herself, "that can't possibly be megan!" it could be either one. but either way, i still wanted to smash her face in. ahh.. high school grudges will never die.