incomplete
for the last few days i havent been able to keep one thought in my head long enough to expand on it...just that i acknowledge the fact that i have a lot of unfinished things going on...apparently so much that if i dont constantly think about them i'll forget them. everyone has had their turn to spoon out all of their problems or what have you..so i'll take my turn now...
1. i have absolutely no money..nothing! i have nothing in my wallet and i'm 20 dollars in debt to a person i wish i wasn't in debt with..b/c they always ask me when i'm going to pay them back...my answer hasnt changed the last 8 times he's asked...if he asks one more time i might just take longer to pay him back just to piss him off. so as a result of that i finally followed thru and put an application in at the local grocery store in brunswick...yesterday..so im hoping that i get a job there...it's not much and infact i hate the place..but i've never felt so crappy about not having money in my life. i dont know why it's become so important to me. i guess it's b/c i want to do things and have things my folks dont want me to have so i feel compelled to pay for them myself..i'm sure if i asked i'd be surprised at the answer, and i prolly wouldn't be so miserable right now..but i hate depending on other ppl. like this guy i have to pay back...he won't let it go...my word is good as gold when i say i'll do something especially like pay someone back i've ALWAYS paid them back.
2. then there is the whole issue of prom...i found out my brothers graduation is the same day as prom. now theoretically i should be able to attend both and not have to worry to much about rushing...but now it's starting to seem more like i wont have to rush..cuz i dont think i'll be going to prom. not that it's a big deal..it's just my junior prom...but at the same time..the thought of not going kinda makes me sad. luci has been a really! good frind of mine since middle school and i wanted to go and have fun with her and our friends that night...i mean both of us have pretty much booked ourselves up for the summer already..and in august she'll be in CO going to college...and yes at the bottom of my list of reasons of wanting to go to prom is to go and "try" to make brian feel 'jealous'..dont ask! i'll get to that later. so first there is the question of whether or not i can attend prom...then there is the whole i have no money for prom...i dont have the 30 for the ticket and the 60+ for the dress...i have 2 weeks to come up with the money...i'll be able to up the prom ticket with only 6 bucks to spare for the dress...i guess i'll have to ask my folks for that or just borrow one..which works...my friend has a lot of really cute dresses she's only worn once or twice or never..its just that borrowing a dress is fine for homecomings..but proms a little more then that and last year i bought my dress even tho i was in the same spot just with a little more money...i dunno i kinda want the prom dress...so another reason why i went and applied for the job at the market. i wont get a pay check worth anything in time to use it towards prom but if i get a job i can borrow the money from my folks and then pay them back. once again however i won't be independent of someone. i really hate relying on people...i dunno why..i guess i like doing things my way..and if i change my mind i'm not effecting anyone else cuz it's just me.
i guess a lot of what my mind is wondering off for is money. how did i become so wrapped up in money..when did i suddenly forget how to save money most importantly. there is just so much i want to do, and i'm almost 17..still young but there are so many things i havent done that ppl have done by the age of 17. i think my indenpence or the lack there of really gets to me, i just wanna do what i want when i want..and i'm not talking about "man i cant go to a party friday night" or "geez i really wish i could buy those 160 dollar shoes" or something dumb like that..i just want to get out..i've always been like that..
3. And it wouldn't have to be so complicated if my dad didnt make things so hard...nothing is ever easy with him..you cant just be happy and you cant just get what you want..with him you are doomed to never be happy and to never get what you need or want...you'll always have to work for it only to never get it. it's how he is..i can never go to him for help, he wonders why he knows so little about me..it's because when i'm having a problem i dont want him to make it even worse...he'd prolly give me a lecture about getting in the situation to begin with..he can never just help..b/c if you're having a problem it's because you did something wrong to make it that way..no matter what..thats part of the reason i dont want to ask him for money towards anything for prom..i didnt even tell him i went last year. i always have to go behind his back and do what needs to be done..and i hate it..i wish i could just talk to him. besides sports and cars and cards we have nothing to talk about..money is a really sore subject with him. also another reason why i cant go to him for help with my lack of money. its just frusterating to not be able to tell him what is going on and ask him for help..my mom does a good job of always being there for me..but i just want to have both of my parents be there for me to run to when i get completely stressed out and confused. i've gotten so tongue tied with the words i want to say..i can't help but ramble to get the point the across. this is going to be way too long. i dont know how i let myself get caught up in so many little things..its like everything all of a sudden has just come out of no where..this whole end of the school year with 95% of my friends being seniors, getting a job, trying to get my driving taken care of, tests, and ppl, and money, and my brothers wedding..a million things are tied to that..a lot of worries and stress on me with that..a lot of change all at once..and i'm getting over whelmed..it'd be really nice to be able to talk to both of my folks so i dont feel like i have to deal with this all by myself. and its frusterating the way my dad tries to sell me these false ideas of things hes gunna get me and take me too and do with me..he's said them a thousand times and not one has he followed thru on..life is just to "hard" and nothing is "simple" to him...he's just lazy...and self-centered..seriously..and right now all i want is to be able to talk to him...and not have him make a big deal out of it or make a huge lecture..but i know that wont happen...another thing i wonder about..
4. i dont even know how or what to say about this..cuz if i knew what i wanted to say in words i woulda said it by now...its just yes..brian...God..honestly i've even exhausted myself on this topic..and still i dont know why its still an issue for me. there is so much i want to say, so many things i want to do..and i do nothing..i think if i did something instead of just thinking about it..it might help. it's just so incomplete...it's there and its always on my mind but i can never really realize what it is i want to do or want to feel. he's got this new girl..they arent dating..not that i know of but they might as well be they're together all the time...she's not even that pretty..i guess thats a stupid reason for not liking her...but besides her money she really isnt interesting or fun, she gets boring after awhile...i've known her since middle school...she i'm not making false judgements about someone i dont know. but thats not even the point..its been over 4 months since we broke up maybe 5 i've lost count..but i'm pretty sure its 4...and still im confused about exactly how i feel about the whole thing..usually i'm fine with it you know i dont really get down about it, i think about it but i try to think of other things as soon as i start thinking about it...but just recently i havent been able to get him outta my head. he never really gave me a good reason for why we broke up..and the whole thing about still wanting to be friends was a total lie. but i thought more of him, i guess it was cuz i was dating, but he was a really honest guy i actually thought he'd put some effort into keeping in touch..but i guess i was wrong. 2 nights ago when i had a thousand things going thru my mind..and all i wanted to do was call him...i felt like i wouldnt be able to sleep unless i called him and just talked to him..i didnt even want to talk about what i was thinking i just wanted to talk...i couldnt sleep that night...i dont think i actually really did..after awhile i had to have, cuz i had a nightmare..that someone was coming after me to kill me and there were all these weird things i heard and saw and thought..it never really made sense..i woke up in a sweat and totally freaked out by the dark...i slept with the light on with that last hour and half i had left to sleep. but all i wanted to do was call him. its like someone addicted to smoking and they cant go more then 4 hours without a smoke but then they go cold turkey and it's hour 16 and they're about to freak out if they dont get their smoke..i felt like that.
i couldnt stay on one topic for more then a few seconds..and at the end of each thought i just wanted to grab the phone...and then i thought about what i would say if i did call and he did pick up or even if he didn't would i leave a message and if i had what would i say..its stupid..i guess thinking about it, with him i never worried about anything..nothing at all..everything was great..i was always happy and nothing was ever wrong...then i went cold turkey..he just stopped talking to me when he broke up with me...and i miss feeling safe and feeling like nothing is wrong and even if there were he'd be there...but at the same time i was always depending on him to be there..and then when he wasnt...well i realized i wasnt as independent as i wanted to be..i dunno i could go on and on..in fact i already have...i've forgotten what else i wanted to say...cuz god knows there is so much more i've been thinking about...but this is a freakin book..i doubt anyone will read this entire thing so i'm wasting my time now...
1. i have absolutely no money..nothing! i have nothing in my wallet and i'm 20 dollars in debt to a person i wish i wasn't in debt with..b/c they always ask me when i'm going to pay them back...my answer hasnt changed the last 8 times he's asked...if he asks one more time i might just take longer to pay him back just to piss him off. so as a result of that i finally followed thru and put an application in at the local grocery store in brunswick...yesterday..so im hoping that i get a job there...it's not much and infact i hate the place..but i've never felt so crappy about not having money in my life. i dont know why it's become so important to me. i guess it's b/c i want to do things and have things my folks dont want me to have so i feel compelled to pay for them myself..i'm sure if i asked i'd be surprised at the answer, and i prolly wouldn't be so miserable right now..but i hate depending on other ppl. like this guy i have to pay back...he won't let it go...my word is good as gold when i say i'll do something especially like pay someone back i've ALWAYS paid them back.
2. then there is the whole issue of prom...i found out my brothers graduation is the same day as prom. now theoretically i should be able to attend both and not have to worry to much about rushing...but now it's starting to seem more like i wont have to rush..cuz i dont think i'll be going to prom. not that it's a big deal..it's just my junior prom...but at the same time..the thought of not going kinda makes me sad. luci has been a really! good frind of mine since middle school and i wanted to go and have fun with her and our friends that night...i mean both of us have pretty much booked ourselves up for the summer already..and in august she'll be in CO going to college...and yes at the bottom of my list of reasons of wanting to go to prom is to go and "try" to make brian feel 'jealous'..dont ask! i'll get to that later. so first there is the question of whether or not i can attend prom...then there is the whole i have no money for prom...i dont have the 30 for the ticket and the 60+ for the dress...i have 2 weeks to come up with the money...i'll be able to up the prom ticket with only 6 bucks to spare for the dress...i guess i'll have to ask my folks for that or just borrow one..which works...my friend has a lot of really cute dresses she's only worn once or twice or never..its just that borrowing a dress is fine for homecomings..but proms a little more then that and last year i bought my dress even tho i was in the same spot just with a little more money...i dunno i kinda want the prom dress...so another reason why i went and applied for the job at the market. i wont get a pay check worth anything in time to use it towards prom but if i get a job i can borrow the money from my folks and then pay them back. once again however i won't be independent of someone. i really hate relying on people...i dunno why..i guess i like doing things my way..and if i change my mind i'm not effecting anyone else cuz it's just me.
i guess a lot of what my mind is wondering off for is money. how did i become so wrapped up in money..when did i suddenly forget how to save money most importantly. there is just so much i want to do, and i'm almost 17..still young but there are so many things i havent done that ppl have done by the age of 17. i think my indenpence or the lack there of really gets to me, i just wanna do what i want when i want..and i'm not talking about "man i cant go to a party friday night" or "geez i really wish i could buy those 160 dollar shoes" or something dumb like that..i just want to get out..i've always been like that..
3. And it wouldn't have to be so complicated if my dad didnt make things so hard...nothing is ever easy with him..you cant just be happy and you cant just get what you want..with him you are doomed to never be happy and to never get what you need or want...you'll always have to work for it only to never get it. it's how he is..i can never go to him for help, he wonders why he knows so little about me..it's because when i'm having a problem i dont want him to make it even worse...he'd prolly give me a lecture about getting in the situation to begin with..he can never just help..b/c if you're having a problem it's because you did something wrong to make it that way..no matter what..thats part of the reason i dont want to ask him for money towards anything for prom..i didnt even tell him i went last year. i always have to go behind his back and do what needs to be done..and i hate it..i wish i could just talk to him. besides sports and cars and cards we have nothing to talk about..money is a really sore subject with him. also another reason why i cant go to him for help with my lack of money. its just frusterating to not be able to tell him what is going on and ask him for help..my mom does a good job of always being there for me..but i just want to have both of my parents be there for me to run to when i get completely stressed out and confused. i've gotten so tongue tied with the words i want to say..i can't help but ramble to get the point the across. this is going to be way too long. i dont know how i let myself get caught up in so many little things..its like everything all of a sudden has just come out of no where..this whole end of the school year with 95% of my friends being seniors, getting a job, trying to get my driving taken care of, tests, and ppl, and money, and my brothers wedding..a million things are tied to that..a lot of worries and stress on me with that..a lot of change all at once..and i'm getting over whelmed..it'd be really nice to be able to talk to both of my folks so i dont feel like i have to deal with this all by myself. and its frusterating the way my dad tries to sell me these false ideas of things hes gunna get me and take me too and do with me..he's said them a thousand times and not one has he followed thru on..life is just to "hard" and nothing is "simple" to him...he's just lazy...and self-centered..seriously..and right now all i want is to be able to talk to him...and not have him make a big deal out of it or make a huge lecture..but i know that wont happen...another thing i wonder about..
4. i dont even know how or what to say about this..cuz if i knew what i wanted to say in words i woulda said it by now...its just yes..brian...God..honestly i've even exhausted myself on this topic..and still i dont know why its still an issue for me. there is so much i want to say, so many things i want to do..and i do nothing..i think if i did something instead of just thinking about it..it might help. it's just so incomplete...it's there and its always on my mind but i can never really realize what it is i want to do or want to feel. he's got this new girl..they arent dating..not that i know of but they might as well be they're together all the time...she's not even that pretty..i guess thats a stupid reason for not liking her...but besides her money she really isnt interesting or fun, she gets boring after awhile...i've known her since middle school...she i'm not making false judgements about someone i dont know. but thats not even the point..its been over 4 months since we broke up maybe 5 i've lost count..but i'm pretty sure its 4...and still im confused about exactly how i feel about the whole thing..usually i'm fine with it you know i dont really get down about it, i think about it but i try to think of other things as soon as i start thinking about it...but just recently i havent been able to get him outta my head. he never really gave me a good reason for why we broke up..and the whole thing about still wanting to be friends was a total lie. but i thought more of him, i guess it was cuz i was dating, but he was a really honest guy i actually thought he'd put some effort into keeping in touch..but i guess i was wrong. 2 nights ago when i had a thousand things going thru my mind..and all i wanted to do was call him...i felt like i wouldnt be able to sleep unless i called him and just talked to him..i didnt even want to talk about what i was thinking i just wanted to talk...i couldnt sleep that night...i dont think i actually really did..after awhile i had to have, cuz i had a nightmare..that someone was coming after me to kill me and there were all these weird things i heard and saw and thought..it never really made sense..i woke up in a sweat and totally freaked out by the dark...i slept with the light on with that last hour and half i had left to sleep. but all i wanted to do was call him. its like someone addicted to smoking and they cant go more then 4 hours without a smoke but then they go cold turkey and it's hour 16 and they're about to freak out if they dont get their smoke..i felt like that.
i couldnt stay on one topic for more then a few seconds..and at the end of each thought i just wanted to grab the phone...and then i thought about what i would say if i did call and he did pick up or even if he didn't would i leave a message and if i had what would i say..its stupid..i guess thinking about it, with him i never worried about anything..nothing at all..everything was great..i was always happy and nothing was ever wrong...then i went cold turkey..he just stopped talking to me when he broke up with me...and i miss feeling safe and feeling like nothing is wrong and even if there were he'd be there...but at the same time i was always depending on him to be there..and then when he wasnt...well i realized i wasnt as independent as i wanted to be..i dunno i could go on and on..in fact i already have...i've forgotten what else i wanted to say...cuz god knows there is so much more i've been thinking about...but this is a freakin book..i doubt anyone will read this entire thing so i'm wasting my time now...