I really ought to watch more Grey's Anatomy
Every time I watch that show, my desire to be social and cultivate my social relationships bubbles up. My life used to be such a drama. I could have been one of those kinds of shows.
On the episode I just watched, at the end, Amelia goes, "It's harder to love somebody than to walk away from them."
I have a whole bunch of casual long-term friendships/acquaintances... but I don't feel like I've made any real long-lasting friendships. Everything falls away, some things more quickly than others.
The thing of it really is that I find it really, very difficult to feel loved. It doesn't bother me, but I do know that whenever I do actually feel like someone really, truly cares about me, it really surprises me. And then I find it difficult to care about people and facilitate social situations if I don't feel it reciprocated. And I think that is probably just the function of an overactive defense mechanism.
So when I do try and cultivate social things and I get shut down, I generally don't try again.
And still, I try to talk about this with myself in this writing, and I find it hard to admit.
I can be happy and have things that are wrong, and have there be difficult topics involved in why these things are wrong. Happiness and problems are not mutually exclusive. But being that I've been happy for so many years now, I find it harder and harder to admit the things that are wrong...
And maybe that's why I don't cultivate my social relationships. Because maybe if I were close to any actual people, I'd talk about my problems, and then I'd ruin the image of my happiness.
Or actually, when I am close to people, I don't talk about my problems. And then I feel like I'm hiding it, like I want to talk about it, and like I can't. It causes me anxiety. I don't want to ruin the image of my happiness. But happiness and problems aren't mutually exclusive. One can have both.
I am a happy person who has all these problems that cause me to be a very happy loner with a wonderful little dog that I love to spend all my time with. And I have great, easy sex that causes me no stress because whether it's a long-term fuck buddy or a one-night stand, there are no expectations or obligations. I love sitting at home and doing nothing and watching all my news shows and podcasts and then on occasion Grey's Anatomy. And then I realize that there's something wrong with me because I don't have any real friendships except for Charity and I've been single for eight years.
What now?
On the episode I just watched, at the end, Amelia goes, "It's harder to love somebody than to walk away from them."
I have a whole bunch of casual long-term friendships/acquaintances... but I don't feel like I've made any real long-lasting friendships. Everything falls away, some things more quickly than others.
The thing of it really is that I find it really, very difficult to feel loved. It doesn't bother me, but I do know that whenever I do actually feel like someone really, truly cares about me, it really surprises me. And then I find it difficult to care about people and facilitate social situations if I don't feel it reciprocated. And I think that is probably just the function of an overactive defense mechanism.
So when I do try and cultivate social things and I get shut down, I generally don't try again.
And still, I try to talk about this with myself in this writing, and I find it hard to admit.
I can be happy and have things that are wrong, and have there be difficult topics involved in why these things are wrong. Happiness and problems are not mutually exclusive. But being that I've been happy for so many years now, I find it harder and harder to admit the things that are wrong...
And maybe that's why I don't cultivate my social relationships. Because maybe if I were close to any actual people, I'd talk about my problems, and then I'd ruin the image of my happiness.
Or actually, when I am close to people, I don't talk about my problems. And then I feel like I'm hiding it, like I want to talk about it, and like I can't. It causes me anxiety. I don't want to ruin the image of my happiness. But happiness and problems aren't mutually exclusive. One can have both.
I am a happy person who has all these problems that cause me to be a very happy loner with a wonderful little dog that I love to spend all my time with. And I have great, easy sex that causes me no stress because whether it's a long-term fuck buddy or a one-night stand, there are no expectations or obligations. I love sitting at home and doing nothing and watching all my news shows and podcasts and then on occasion Grey's Anatomy. And then I realize that there's something wrong with me because I don't have any real friendships except for Charity and I've been single for eight years.
What now?