I am stupid. Someone please convince me I'm being stupid.
I have told a few people that I'm auditioning for KC Chorale. No one of musical importance, of course. I don't want to tell any of my singer friends because I am... sort of afraid... of other people doubting me the way I doubt myself. But it's not really doubt, it's knowledge of my current skills. I'm not ready. Yet.
But I can't seem to get myself to pull the trigger. I have the money for the megabus ticket up there. It's $60. Since there are several SAI chapters up there, I'm thinking about emailing a chapter asking if any sisters would be willing to let me crash on a couch for a couple nights while I'm up there in order to save the money I'd spend on a hotel room. Plus I find that idea to be safer. Like I'm there with someone who has a connection to me, even if I don't know them personally.
I told my mother that I was going to do it, my plans for the megabus, and seeing if I can crash with an SAI sister. I told her I could transfer my job with Kay there, which I can. There are two Kay's and a Jared pretty close by, so if one happened to not have room/hours for me, there's more than one option.
I'm afraid I wont find a church job I love like I love the one I have. I'm afraid my crush on Stephen will actually go somewhere and I'll squander it by actually getting in. I'm afraid that KC Chorale is the only vibrant part of the Kansas City music scene, and that I'll be sacrificing other potential opportunities by moving to a not-as-happening city. Surely their opera program will not even begin to compete. I could get into the Dallas Opera Chorus for next year, and if I got into KC Chorale, I'd squander that.
BUT WHY am I thinking about sacrificing my one big dream for all these small things? Because I'm comfortable. I'm not going to get in anyway, so why should I be afraid of missing out on my opportunities here?
Because there are other grammy award-winning choirs I could get into that would fly me out and fly me back.
I'm also afraid that I'm not quite financially stable enough to be footing the bill on far-away auditions. I'm comfortable. And I'm wasting money on stupid shit. (So I've started putting money into my savings, which I am actually, truly not touching right now, AND into my Roth IRA.)
I stopped taking voice lessons again for financial stability and comfort. I'll start again soon, though.
But I still can't get myself to pull the trigger. I need help convincing myself...
But I can't seem to get myself to pull the trigger. I have the money for the megabus ticket up there. It's $60. Since there are several SAI chapters up there, I'm thinking about emailing a chapter asking if any sisters would be willing to let me crash on a couch for a couple nights while I'm up there in order to save the money I'd spend on a hotel room. Plus I find that idea to be safer. Like I'm there with someone who has a connection to me, even if I don't know them personally.
I told my mother that I was going to do it, my plans for the megabus, and seeing if I can crash with an SAI sister. I told her I could transfer my job with Kay there, which I can. There are two Kay's and a Jared pretty close by, so if one happened to not have room/hours for me, there's more than one option.
I'm afraid I wont find a church job I love like I love the one I have. I'm afraid my crush on Stephen will actually go somewhere and I'll squander it by actually getting in. I'm afraid that KC Chorale is the only vibrant part of the Kansas City music scene, and that I'll be sacrificing other potential opportunities by moving to a not-as-happening city. Surely their opera program will not even begin to compete. I could get into the Dallas Opera Chorus for next year, and if I got into KC Chorale, I'd squander that.
BUT WHY am I thinking about sacrificing my one big dream for all these small things? Because I'm comfortable. I'm not going to get in anyway, so why should I be afraid of missing out on my opportunities here?
Because there are other grammy award-winning choirs I could get into that would fly me out and fly me back.
I'm also afraid that I'm not quite financially stable enough to be footing the bill on far-away auditions. I'm comfortable. And I'm wasting money on stupid shit. (So I've started putting money into my savings, which I am actually, truly not touching right now, AND into my Roth IRA.)
I stopped taking voice lessons again for financial stability and comfort. I'll start again soon, though.
But I still can't get myself to pull the trigger. I need help convincing myself...