writing in livejournal
will this rose red pimple that hides in my blonde-brown mustache go away before my sister's wedding tomorrow? am i now a person who considers these things? i listen to downer music so i don't have to take them; i listen to crack music so i don't have to take it; i write asymmetrically just because i am a very impersonal, or angry, person. with all the family i have coming in today, both on the conservative methodist side and on the conservative jewish side, i will probably take real downers. with a 1-day dead grandma on my shoulder, which was accompanied by a few of the most horrifying images i've ever seen to keep stewing around my spirit, i feel compelled to a state of angry cataclysmic dysfunction, and at the same time some kind of seamless clarity of purpose. in the past i felt heroically dead-armed in this state of infinite confusion, waiting for it to eventually spill out into a california stream of gold, that would make all of this time waiting, and considering, and settling, worth while.
how can you explain to those who have settled that when you look in their eyes it seems like a death knot has tied up their tubes? how condescending, and yet here i am unable to deny this realization--that's how it goes. it's always a question of "how it goes" until you decide that every moment of your life is weakly balanced between understanding things deeply/being useful/being emotionally mature, and feeling constantly on the verge of a desperate-nervous-decision-breakdown. and that none of this ever seems to come through on my face, makes me wonder if the pale sketch for my life is a forever wandering of that college classroom that teaches we are "beautiful on the inside." sometimes when i listen to the version of chopin's prelude no. 2 in A minor that i downloaded, a riff of black sabbath's "iron man" suddenly appears for less than a second, then the song continues. this, though i really do love and believe in it, describes my function in society, that must split til it is out-of-print.
------->
wedding tomorrow
one funeral in two days
another funeral in three days
sit shiva
see my mom cry 30 times in five days
maybe see my dad cry for the first time?
providence
bachelors degree
get famous
travel the world
make love to dark shadows
get my leg amputated
make positive contribution
deny assertion that anything can be positive only
realign
soundtrack:
"cripple creek" by skip spence
"troubled waters" by michael hurley
"don't leave me" by link wray
"red rockin chair" by karen dalton
"good day mrs. hamm" by no trend
"forces of oppression" by the pop group
"ince ince bir kar yagar" by selda bagcan
"slip it in" by black flag
"on my own" by quix*o*tic
"memory is distant" by les rallizes denudes
"apesma" by captain beefheart
"storm of shit" by the flying luttenbachers
"a thing of the past" by phyllis dillon
"give it up" by wolf eyes
"the wise toad" by black pus
"deep blue sea" by odetta
"mother at the top of the stairs" by pino donaggio
how can you explain to those who have settled that when you look in their eyes it seems like a death knot has tied up their tubes? how condescending, and yet here i am unable to deny this realization--that's how it goes. it's always a question of "how it goes" until you decide that every moment of your life is weakly balanced between understanding things deeply/being useful/being emotionally mature, and feeling constantly on the verge of a desperate-nervous-decision-breakdown. and that none of this ever seems to come through on my face, makes me wonder if the pale sketch for my life is a forever wandering of that college classroom that teaches we are "beautiful on the inside." sometimes when i listen to the version of chopin's prelude no. 2 in A minor that i downloaded, a riff of black sabbath's "iron man" suddenly appears for less than a second, then the song continues. this, though i really do love and believe in it, describes my function in society, that must split til it is out-of-print.
------->
wedding tomorrow
one funeral in two days
another funeral in three days
sit shiva
see my mom cry 30 times in five days
maybe see my dad cry for the first time?
providence
bachelors degree
get famous
travel the world
make love to dark shadows
get my leg amputated
make positive contribution
deny assertion that anything can be positive only
realign
soundtrack:
"cripple creek" by skip spence
"troubled waters" by michael hurley
"don't leave me" by link wray
"red rockin chair" by karen dalton
"good day mrs. hamm" by no trend
"forces of oppression" by the pop group
"ince ince bir kar yagar" by selda bagcan
"slip it in" by black flag
"on my own" by quix*o*tic
"memory is distant" by les rallizes denudes
"apesma" by captain beefheart
"storm of shit" by the flying luttenbachers
"a thing of the past" by phyllis dillon
"give it up" by wolf eyes
"the wise toad" by black pus
"deep blue sea" by odetta
"mother at the top of the stairs" by pino donaggio