i want you around
pairing: Tao/Suho side!Luhan/Xiumin
rating: nc17
length: 7.2k
warnings:sex, alcohol use, and brief mentions of social anxiety/home sickness,
summary: Comfort is what he needs, but Tao finds something more.
a/n: title from the song of the same name by the ramones. written for latinaeinstein originally posted on immortaolize
huge thanks to edori for beta-ing most of this (ily).
Saturday night smells humid, thick with leftover smog, it clings to his skin like a second layer as Yixing pulls Tao into the first club of the night.
Tao dances with anyone willing to pay him any attention. The two month old ritual already familiar, but tonight is different, tonight is lonely.
He misses home, he realizes with startling clarity as another nameless face promises to make him forget his own name. Countless others promise him the same thing. It’s not carefree like it usually is, and his senses are dulled with the steady flow of free alcohol.
They trek home as the sun begins to creep over the horizon. Yixing’s mumbled goodnight in soft Mandarin is comforting compared to the loud jumbled Korean around them. Tao falls into bed fully clothed. He doesn’t dream.
☀
He’s six hundred and ten kilometers from everything he knows, six hundred and ten kilometers from home.
He phones his mom, crying over the static the next day, the distance seemingly greater, the hushed I love you’s andeat well’s making him ache for the familiarity.
Sundays were never meant to be spent like this, he reminds himself.
He makes lunch.
Tao had been brave, excited even, to leave Qingdao and come to Seoul. That's what he wanted most, to experience life somewhere else. And he still wants to be here, even if the bitter taste of homesickness settles thickly onto his tongue.
His morning classes begin on Monday, unnecessarily early as he stumbles into the first open seat he finds. He feels awful, but he takes comfort in the fact that at least he doesn’t look like it. He had carefully applied concealer and spritzed himself with his favorite cologne. Tao may feel like a wreck, but he refuses to look like one. He zones in and out of the lecture, and his notes are jumbled words and squiggles that he’ll have to decipher later. A girl tries to talk to him after class, but his hands sweat. He forces a smile on his face, ducking out of the room immediately.
“Come to the meeting with me,” Yixing says, ignoring Tao’s protests. Yixing had asked him to wait outside of the science building for him.
“I wanna go home,” Tao says, whining. He’s finished with his classes for the day, and he just wants to sleep.
“It’ll be good for you to connect with other students from China," Yixing breaks off, "you’re not exactly making friends, and I’ve been begging you for weeks.”
“But,” Tao huffs, guilt settling in, “whatever.”
Yixing smiles, "you’ll like it, and we can leave early if you feel uncomfortable, okay?”
He groans, letting himself be pulled along.
He doesn’t want to admit it, but he does like it. There aren’t that many people there; Lu Han, a senior with pretty eyes is passing around a bag of cheetos. Kris, a senior too, shows up out of breath with Zhou Mi, whom Tao recognizes from the student affairs office.
“How are you adjusting?” Kris asks him, mouth full.
Yixing answers before he can speak, “He’s homesick.”
They all nod, knowingly.
“It’s hard, but you can do it,” Zhou Mi lays a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“I can help you with your Korean,” Lu Han offers, “I’m good.” He shakes the rest of the chips into his mouth.
“He is,” Yixing whispers, “but only because he’s in love with a Korean boy.”
Lu Han throws a chip at Yixing’s head, missing by a long shot. Everyone laughs at him, but he continues to eat, a huge grin on his face. Tao’s curious, but he doesn’t ask. He saves the question for later.
The door opens again and a short guy with dark hair walks in. Tao wonders briefly what kind of person wears a turtleneck sweater willingly. It’s not even very cold yet.
“Hey guys! Sorry I’m late. I had a presentation,” he pushes his hair out of his eyes, "you must be Tao.”
“Hello,” Tao cocks his head.
“I’m Kim Joonmyun. Have you been introduced to everyone else?”
He notices how small Joonmyun’s face is. The sweater suits him.
“Yeah, it’s nice to meet all of you.”
“Good, I’m really glad you finally came! I’m not sure if Yixing’s told you, but this is a group for foreign exchange students to find mutual support within the group. We try to make it easier for you all to settle in, build friendships, and get to know Seoul. Sometimes students taking Mandarin, like me, join us.”
“He’s not very good,” Yixing stage whispers.
“I’m trying!” Joonmyun pouts,”but I’m an Education major.”
Tao laughs behind his hand.
“Joonmyun, sit down,” Kris says pulling a chair out, “he’s really passionate. Besides him, I think everyone in here is doing business or international something, right?”
They all nod.
“So,” Zhou Mi sits up, “let’s get on with the meeting.”
They do, but there’s no real direction to their meeting. Joonmyun asks questions, tries for discussion, but they all just dissolve into different conversations.
“Hey Tao,” Joonmyun pulls him to the side. He hadn’t realized more than an hour had passed until Yixing had said he needed to get to work.
“Yeah?” Tao bends his head down, the height difference between them larger than he’d expected. His Korean is still stilted, but the syllables feel much more familiar to him now than they used to.
“Um, can I uh,” He looks down, “can I give you my number, you know, just in case you need anything?”
Tao’s mouth quirks up, the small gesture making him warm, “Thanks, that’s nice of you.”
Joonmyun rubs the back of his neck, “It’s really no problem, I just, I know it can be hard. Having someone else to support you is-- its good. I don’t know if I’ll be much help, but uh,” he looks up at Tao.
“Thanks,” Tao looks away, rotating the ring on his middle finger. “I really--” he stumbles with his words too, “Thanks.”
“Feel free to text, call,” Joonmyun hesitates, “I can make time if you just need someone to talk to, Yixing told me you were having a harder time adjusting.”
Tao scoffs, "Yixing worries too much.”
Joonmyun’s expression is sincere, “I can do my best to help too.”
Tao’s hands are much larger, brushing against Joonmyun’s soft ones when he hands his phone over.
“Anytime,” He pushes his hair from his eyes again, “okay?”
Tao nods, pocketing the phone, leaving while Joonmyun collects his things.
On the bus home he wills himself to stay awake. Monday already has him drained. He counts street lamps; there are more burnt out lights than lighted ones. Tao softly hums, his left cheek pressed to the cool glass. He breathes condensation onto the window, connecting specks of dust, creating his own constellations on the grimy glass.
His apartment is dark when he lets himself in, carefully lining his shoes up against the wall. Tao starts the kettle on the stove to make tea. He’s not very hungry, but he grabs a container of fruit as he sits on the kitchen floor. There were two cracked tiles when he moved in, a third added when he dropped his favorite mug. He remembers speckled ceramic and bright red, a warm shower to wash away frustrated tears.
He’s doing better.
His phone buzzes in his pocket, three times in rapid succession. He’s confused until he sees the name on the screen, but he pockets his phone again.
Tao doesn’t want to respond yet, doesn’t want to seem too eager.
The phone feels heavy until he replies later, lying in bed the screen lighting up the room. A simple message, his fingers hover over the keys, finally settling onIt was great meeting you too, omitting a smiley face before pressing send.
Joonmyun texts back immediately, asking for his schedule, suggesting coffee.
Tao doesn’t hesitate to reply this time, excitedly texting back.
It’s not until three am that Joonmyun says he’s tired, wishes him a good night.
or good morning Joonmyun texts.
His eyes sting, and his body feels stiff from lying in the same position, but he immediately falls asleep.
He’s excited.
This is new, this is good.
☀︎
Because time is strange and languid, things change somehow, and they progress. Polite conversations over coffee are traded for intimate whispering in the library, migrating to studying in Tao’s apartment, both of them sprawled on the floor, soaking in the warmth from the heater.
Joonmyun had accompanied him to buy a new winter coat just the other day. He had offered to take Tao to his favorite store. Bypassing the flashy coats, Joonmyun insisted Tao buy something practical. His hands had expertly buttoned the charcoal peacoat, reassuring Tao that it suited him.
“You look handsome,” He’d said.
Tao had averted his face, flushing at the compliment.
“Of course I look good,” Tao retorted.
Joonmyun rolled his eyes, “I take it back, you brat.”
The shorter boy had linked his arm through Tao’s later as they walked home. Tao content when he caught their reflection.
☀
Yixing asks one day, one of the rare and few days when Tao isn’t glued to Joonmyun.
“Taozi,” he asks gently, “are you and Joonmyun, y’know, dating?”
Tao freezes. He panics, but he fervently shakes his head no. Squeaks out a laugh, and he forces the idea out of his head.
“We’re just friends, nothing else.” And he knows Yixing isn’t accusing him, or demanding, but no, they’re just friends.
Friends.
Tao mulls Yixing’s words over later that day. Joonmyun is lying on his back, trying to memorize terms for his upcoming midterm. They’re in his room as usual; Tao maneuvers himself so that he can rest his head on Joonmyun’s stomach.
“Is there anything on your mind?” Joonmyun’s hands instinctively find their way into Tao’s hair. He carefully rubs the black strands between his fingers.
“Just tired,” Tao says, sighing into the touch. He can tell Joonmyun doesn’t believe him by the way his eyes keep flickering away from the flash cards.
Joonmyun gives him a long lingering hug when he leaves. “Rest,” He smiles worriedly, bidding him a goodnight.
Tao thinks he’s selfish, because the little seed Joonmyun had planted is growing and it’s greedy.
Maybe he gives too much.
And Tao can’t help but to take and take.
☀
Joonmyun wraps himself around Tao one night when he’s particularly homesick and the weight makes him wheeze, tears spilling over. He spends the night then, sleeping under the covers with Tao, whispering that it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.
Tao feels so small, protected. He finds support and stability in Joonmyun’s open arms, in the friendship he offers him. It’s almost nostalgic the careful way he holds Tao carefully. In turn, Tao thinks how easy it is, the way he can reach his hand over to thumb along Joonmyun’s wrist without a second thought.
It’s organic. It’s easy, the way they’ve easily fallen into one another.
Perfect.
Just like how he reaches out now, Joonmyun is sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed, the concentration on his face making his eyebrows furrow. He doesn’t notice how Tao’s fingers skate over his shoulder. The giant textbook sits in his lap, a jumbo sized highlighter resting in his hand.
“Only nerds use those,” Tao had teased earlier. Joonmyun had stuck his tongue out, he always changed his demeanor around Tao, dropped his guard, his smile much more relaxed.
Tao rests his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder now, practically pulling him into his lap as he wraps his long limbs around him.
“Hyung,” he’s whining, “It’s Friday night, let’s go get dinner.”
“You’re just going to trick me into paying,” Joonmyun continues to highlight in his book.
“Please,” Tao nuzzles into his neck, eliciting a giggle from Joonmyun, “please.”
He huffs, jumping up abruptly, “Hurry up.”
Tao scrambles to pull on his jacket, he knew Joonmyun would give in.
“Wait, it’s really cold today,” Joonmyun reaches up, wrapping a scarf around Tao’s neck, “better.”
He wraps his own scarf around his neck, and when they’re outside Tao pulls his arm through Joonmyun’s to snuggle in close.
“What should we eat?” Tao asks, eyeing different food stalls. It’s cold, the sky has that strange light that promises rain, or if they’re lucky, snow.
“Soup sounds good, or hot pot. And soju... soju also sounds good,” Joonmyun isn’t looking at him.
“Okay,” Tao feels different, something seems off, but he brushes the feeling away. He doesn’t dwell, because it doesn’t help anything.
Joonmyun stops in front of a restaurant. It’s small and incredibly warm when they walk in. The setting is intimate and quiet. Only two other people seem to be eating, but they’re wrapped up in their own conversation.
When their food arrives, two bottles of soju are placed on the table, and Tao immediately burns his tongue on the food. He pouts, annoyed that he ate a piece of scalding meat.
Joonmyun chuckles, "You okay?”
Tao shrugs, “Are you?” He eyes the way that Joonmyun’s shoulders are hunched, how his eyebrows haven’t completely unfurrowed since he came over that evening.
“I’m not sure, I just...” He places a piece of meat into his mouth after carefully blowing on it, “Sometimes I get kinda...” He sighs, giving up, carefully chewing his food instead.
Tao moves to sit next to him, wrapping his small frame into his arms, closing his eyes when he brushes his lips along Joonmyun’s temple. He feels the vein pulsing there, most likely from a migraine. He doesn’t miss the way Joonmyun stiffens briefly, until he relaxes into Tao.
But Tao doesn’t dwell.
“Eat,” Joonmyun wiggles out of his hold, “if I’m paying you have to finish everything on your plate.”
Tao moves back over to his side of the table and pours them some of the alcohol.
“Thanks Joonmyunnie,” Tao blows on a piece of pork, carefully chewing.
Joonmyun finally smiles, but it takes too long for him to do so.
Tao makes sure they keep drinking. Maybe it’ll soften the ragged edges of uncertainty.
He hopes.
And it’s later, when he feels too warm and his clothes feel too tight that he asks, “Joonmyun, can you sleepover tonight?”
“Sure,” he’s counting money to pay for their food.
Tao smiles. Everything is just a little bit off balance as they walk outside. He blinks slowly; the lights of the passing cars glaringly bright.
“Are you my best friend?” Tao asks. He’s wobbly on his feet as they walk back to his apartment. It’s not that far, and Joonmyun had mentioned something about cold air and sobering up.
“Do you want me to be?” He’s playful in asking.
“Yes,” Tao squeezes his waist, "yes,” he whispers, or tries.
“I dunno...you trick me into buying you food and then you get drunk,” Joonmyun’s teasing.
But Tao sucks in a breath. He stops abruptly, causing Joonmyun to knock into him.
“Joonmyun,” he’s stable, but everything still sways, “I would never use you.” And it’s slurred, but he’s pressing the flat of his palm on Joonmyun’s chest, the touch too heavy.
Joonmyun’s heart picks up.
thump, thump, thump
Tao’s cold palm presses in closer as if trying to calm him.
It’s not casual anymore, Tao’s nerve endings are singing with the simple need to be touched. He’s closing the distance between them, leaning down, but Joonmyun places his hand on his shoulder.
“Tao, we’re-“ Joonmyun’s voice sounds wet, but firm.Tao thinks how unfair it is for an instant when Joonmyun drank just as much as him.
“We can’t ruin our friendship.”
Tao’s deflating, Joonmyun continues,“We can only, this is only okay if--” Joonymun trails off.
He swallows thickly, Tao hates himself but smiles as he says, “We’re just friends,” and he’s closing the distance.
And it’s nice, so so nice.
It doesn’t mean anything.
Joonmyun is hesitant, careful in the way he presses his lips against Tao’s. He doesn’t push to open his mouth, he doesn’t tease with the slide of his tongue. He doesn’t cling in the same way Tao desperately wants to fist Joonmyun’s ugly wool sweater into his cold hands.
He desperately needs, “Joonmyun.”
Because Tao won’t pretend he doesn’t know what he’s doing right now, and he’s greedy.
“Please .”
Joonmyun’s lips part of their own volition, and Tao takes it.
Guilt stirs somewhere deep.
☀︎
The second and third times taste like warm beer, and Tao grabs Joonmyun’s expensive cashmere sweater tightly. He tastes the chicken they had eaten earlier on the other’s tongue; he muffles Joonmyun’s whimpers, because they’re right outside his apartment building. It’s hurried, as if what they’re doing is inherently wrong.
Maybe it is, Tao briefly thinks. The material of Joonmyun’s sweater is ruined when Tao pushes him against the side of the building, rough brick pulling at the threading.
Joonmyun had dressed handsomely for the evening, inviting Tao to accompany him to a dinner party his parents were having. They’re in Joonmyun’s old room now, looking at his collection of Star Wars paraphernalia.
Something bubbles in Tao’s chest, it’s probably the way Joonmyun looks as his eyes crinkle when he laughs at Tao’s teasing. Or maybe because Joonmyun is constantly breathtakingly perfect, and this is the only way Tao is able to show him how he feels.
Toeing at the boundaries, this is the fourth time, and it smells like pasta and tastes like sweet wine. When he slides Joonmyun’s slacks down, Tao revels in the softness of his thighs. It’s hurried, hands wandering over semi clothed bodies until Tao or maybe Joonmyun decides to venture back out into the party. Tao’s bottom lip is swollen red.
Joonmyun introduces him to his father’s co workers.
☀
“Tao, what the hell are we doing?” Joonmyun finally asks, their study sessions had come to a halt. They’re meeting in coffee shops again.
“I...I don’t know,” Tao’s hand itches to reach out to Joonmyun. Smoothe away the stress from his face, knead out the knots from his shoulders. His hands instead settle around the coffee before him.
“We’re just friends, this isn’t anything more than that, right?” There’s uncertainty and his voice wavers.
“Yes.”
“Okay,”Joonmyun’s lips stretch, but the expression is wrong.
They don’t look each other in the eyes anymore.
“Tao,” Yixing is quieter than usual, “did you and Joonmyun fight?” There’s a knowing look in his eyes.
“We uh,” Tao thinks about telling him, but he hesitates, “things are kinda different now. Between us.”
He chews on the cap of his pen, “Just, make sure you two communicate.”
Tao stares too long at the grammar notes he’s studying, but the words blur together. The smudged ink is taunting him from between the lines of his notebook paper.
Yixing doesn’t bring it up after that.
But the fifth time...the fifth time happens in his kitchen when the winter sun is much too harsh, and the sunlight is streaming through the white curtains Tao hates.
Things aren’t the same anymore, but Joonmyun had shown up with a bag of groceries and the promise of warm cooked food earlier that morning. An attempt to salvage their friendship, maybe.
Tao watches him from where he’s leaning against the counter. Joonmyun’s actions are methodical, his back rigid. He has the sleeves of his hoodie pushed up, and he’s washing the vegetables for the soup he had promised Tao.
“I hope you like this,” Joonmyun says focused on the task at hand, “It’s really yummy in the winter, keeps colds away. All that jazz.”
Tao laughs softly, "You’re such a dork.”
He turns around, “But I’m your dork.”
And it’s warm, and sincere and almost, almost like it used to be.
He pushes off and props his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder, “Hyung.”
And it’s supposed to be cute, but it comes out too laden with wanting, hanging heavily between them. Joonmyun shuts the water off, drying his hands, Tao is five and a half centimeters from him now.
But Joonmyun’s turning, warm mouth crashing into Tao’s, and this is the first time Tao isn’t the only one full of desperate need.
Tao wants to savor the taste that is Joonmyun, caress and commit every inch of his mouth to memory.
This isn’t meant to be anything more than some mutual fulfillment, a progression of their friendship, a way to comfort.
Nothing more.
Nothing at all.
So Tao presses into his smaller body, letting the edge of the counter dig into Joonmyun’s waist, tangling his fingers into pretty soft brown hair. It smells like coconut, he knows. Tao sucks on his adam’s apple, careful not to leave a mark.
This is not his to claim, Joonmyun’s not his to want. Not like this.
“Your room,” Joonmyun pants out, digging his fingers into Tao’s nape.
Tao’s dazed, but he nods.
“Is this okay?” Quietly, gently, always gentle.
Tao nods, barely, “It stings.”
“Do you want me to stop?” Concern coloring Joonmyun’s question.
He shakes his head, “Keep going.”
Tao closes his eyes, the image of Joonmyun burned into the back of his lids. The way his eyes look, heavy, and the slight sheen of sweat on his clavicles, glistening.
But he clenches his eyes harder, drops his head, gives in.
Better.
Tao’s body adjusts to the welcome intrusion, but the touch is still foreign.
"Ah," he gasps. Eyes flying open. Joonmyun, grins up at him, smiling wider. He has two fingers buried deep inside of him.
“Again,” Tao pleads.
And Joonmyun complies, mercilessly.
It’s too late as Joonmyun starts to pump his fingers, stretching and teasing, so so close.
"Joonmyun, I’m, I think--" his body pulls tight, “it’s- it’s too much.”
"I can-"
“No,” Tao holds him in place, “Don’t,” he pants, “keep going. Please.”
He grinds down, keening. Condemning himself as he bucks into Joonmyun’s fist, wanting more, needing more.
He’s coming apart, a complete and utter mess.
Joonmyun’s looking at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
Tao reaches up, kissing him. It’s not pretty or romantic. He runs his tongue over Joonmyun’s sharp canines; he tastes the the quiet moans in his mouth, swallowing them whole.
There’s too much teeth, and a thread of saliva connects them when Joonmyun pulls away to kiss the inside of his knee.
It’s too tender.
Joonmyun is everything, everything and everywhere.
He gives in, even if it’s just a little bit. Just a little bit, Tao reassures himself, just this once.
He’s being consumed, completely.
When he comes, the explosion of stars is behind his lids. If Tao is the world, Joonmyun is the sun.
His center. His everything.
“Good?” Joonmyun’s hair is disheveled, strands plastered to the sides of his face.
Tao's body is buzzing, and he nods imperceptibly. He notices that Joonmyun is still hard, a wet spot forming on his black boxers.
“Here,” Tao says gently, reaching inside of the cotton material. Joonmyun sighs when the younger takes his length in his hand.
“Its okay,” Joonmyun says, “I-I can take care of it.”
Tao smirks, “You scratch my back I scratch yours, right?” He cringes at his own choice of words.
Joonmyun doesn’t say anything, instead his head lolls forward when Tao runs a finger over the head, digging into the slit. He leans forward, taking him into his mouth, groaning at the heady taste.
Joonmyun.
Joonmyun bucks into Tao’s mouth when he pumps the rest of his length.
“Ah-” he gasps, “Tao-” name turning into a drawn out moan.
Tao sucks harder, pumps faster. Joonmyun’s release comes quickly, spilling over his fingers and into his mouth.
“See?” Tao says as he cleans up.
Joonmyun has his eyes closed, and he’s spread out on the bed, panting softly. Tao wants to curl into Joonmyun, to have him surround him as he falls asleep. But he smiles, placing a soft kiss on his temple and turns away.
He's collapsing inside, feeling the tightening in his chest and the tell tale sign of tears trying to escape. Tao closes his eyes too.
Joonmyun's phone is ringing, it stirs him from sleep a little later. Tao realizes he had ended up hugging Joonmyun in his sleep, and he blushes when he’s fully awake. Joonmyun just smiles.
Maybe he feels just as guilty.
"I have to go, I forgot I had a study group today."
He promises to cook him a meal another time, and to go ahead and use the supplies for whatever Tao wants to make for himself.
He throws out the vegetables days later. This is the first time he and Joonmyun haven't talked for a while.
He comes across the forest green hoodie Joonmyun had been wearing when he's doing laundry a week later. It smells too familiar.
He throws it in the wash and wears it to sleep.
Awful.
Terrible.
He hates it.
But he could never in his lifetime bring himself to hate Joonmyun.
☀
“Come eat lunch with me today,” Lu Han asks when they bump into each other in the library.
Tao thinks its a good idea, he’s never hung out with Lu Han on his own. He just isn’t expecting to be seated in a sticky McDonald’s booth, but here he is. Tao nibbles at his fries.
“I usually eat with my friend, but he had to tutor someone.”
“Who’s your friend?” Tao’s trying to make conversation. They haven’t talked much before, but he noticed Lu Han doesn’t talk much in general.
“Kim Minseok.”
Tao hears the way he says the name, how he forms the sounds carefully, delicately delivered.
“You like him.”
Lu Han flushes, “Like isn’t a strong enough word.”
“You’re in love?” Tao wags his eyebrows, teasing the older boy.
Lu Han continues, cheeks coloring, “It’s like everyday I found a reason to want him in my life more. Ahh,but I think it’s because we didn’t fall in love?”
“What do you mean?” Tao’s curiosity is sparked.
“Its like...like this natural path we took. Like it was the next logical step? Loving each other.” Lu Han’s clearly embarrassed, he avoids Tao’s eyes, but he’s smiling around the straw of his soda.
“So you can’t live without one another?”
He sets his drink down, “No, that whole ‘I can’t live without you’ love is bullshit,” Lu Han looks at him now, “It’s more of ‘I think you’re great, I love you, let’s coexist’ kind of thing. He clams up after that.
Tao doesn’t know what to say, or how to respond. He hadn’t expected Lu Han to open up about something like this easily.
“Can I meet him?” Tao finally asks.
Lu Han bites back a smile, “Only if you fix whatever’s going on between Joonmyun and you.”
Tao pauses,“Does everyone know?”
“Nah, Yixing was just worried, but I could tell. Joonmyun seems lost lately. But so do you.”
Tao doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t have to, not when Lu Han places a hand on his shoulder, “It’ll work out, but you have to want it.”
Tao’s stomach churns.
What Tao wants isn’t what Joonmyun needs.
They go their separate ways. Lu Han’s words burrowing deep into his thoughts, they play endlessly on loop in the back of his head.
Sorry, Joonmyun texts him when Tao invites him out for lunch.
Tao responds quickly, its okay. tomorrow then?
i have a lot on my plate Joonmyun finally texts a week later.
Tao doesn’t respond, and Joonmyun skips the group meetings.
☀
Winter is deeply rooted in Seoul. The cold air tears into his bones; Tao can’t seem to get warm. Yixing looks him over after his first class on Wednesday and sends him to the campus clinic. Tao has a high fever, and it doesn't break until two days later. His entire body aches. Yixing brings him food, but he’s busy with work. Teaching a kid’s dance class in the evenings takes up a lot of his time. Tao makes him leave, not wanting him to catch whatever it is he has.
“Don’t worry Xing, I can take care of myself,” Tao reassures, suppressing a cough on the phone on the second day.
“I don’t know, I’ll send someone over to check up on you, okay?” They hang up after that, because Yixing’s students begin to arrive. Tao pulls the comforter over his head and goes back to sleep.
Tao wakes up disgruntled and bleary eyed. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes when he hears knocking on his door.
“I’m coming,” his voice cracks. He pulls on a sweater, shivering at how cold the floor is when he gets out of bed.
Tao peers into the peephole, but he can’t see who’s outside. He opens the door and is greeted with a meek looking Joonmyun.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Did Yixing call you?” Tao wants to be irritated, but he’s glad to see his friend.
“He said you were really sick, asked me to bring you juk.”
“Ah.”
“Can I come in?”
Tao nods moving aside.
Joonmyun takes his shoes off, finding his way into the kitchen. Tao watches from the door.
There’s a feeling that always finds its way into Tao’s chest. It blooms, too big to fit. It kind of hurts, especially when Joonmyun throws a tentative smile his way, the juk placed into a ceramic bowl. They settle onto the floor, Tao’s apartment lacking a real couch. He turns the tv on, an American Christmas movie is playing.
“Isn’t it too early for Christmas?” Tao asks, trying to make conversation.
“I guess,” Joonmyun keeps his eyes on the program, “but Christmas is in less than a month.”
Tao hums, continuing to eat.
“Are you feeling better?” Joonmyun asks.
“I think so, it was probably a twenty-four hour bug or something.”
“Tao,” Joonmyun’s eyes are heavy on him.
He lifts his gaze, “What?”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you.”
Tao shakes his head slightly, “It’s okay, you were busy.”
Joonmyun turns away, his hair falls into his eyes. “ Kinda, but--I...I was avoiding you. I needed time to think.”
Tao places the bowl on the floor next to him. He brings his legs up, resting his chin on his knees. In this position he can hold himself together, but he diverts his eyes. “I’m sorry, for all of this,” Tao bites back tears.
“No! No, its not, its not your fault.”
“Then what?” Tao asks, “This clearly isn’t working.”
“I think we should..” Joonmyun scratches the back of his head.
Tao starts to crumble, accepting “I think--”
“Let’s try us--”
“We don’t have to be--” Tao almost chokes, “what?”
“I know you don’t see me, like that,” Joonmyun laughs awkwardly, “but do you think maybe we could try it. Us, I mean. Could we try to be more than friends?”
“Do you like me, like that?” Tao wants to know.
Joonmyun’s face flares up bright red. He makes this facial expression that’s too pinched for him to be smiling and it’s kind of the most unattractive thing Tao’s ever seen.
He adores it.
“Because I--“ Tao pats his warm cheeks. His fever feels like its back, but he doesn’t think that’s it, “I think you’re the sun.”
“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Joonmyun’s face is even redder, “I do though. I think when I saw you at our meeting for the first time,” he clears his throat, “I thought you were breathtaking. I like spending time with you, being around you--”
Joonmyun’s stealing the words right out of his mouth, so Tao leans in and kisses the edge of his jaw.
“I love you a lot,” Tao whispers, “but I think I might be in love with you too.”
“Oh,”Joonmyun nods dazed, “I didn’t think...”
He pulls Joonmyun against his chest, hooking his legs around the other’s waist. They’re both facing the tv in this position. Joonmyun pulls one of Tao’s hands into his own.
“I honestly didn’t think you felt anything.”
“I’m offended,” Tao’s voice is light, but hoarse, “you’re too,” he pauses, “you’re too..It’s hard to not fall for you,” he confesses.
“It’s late,” Joonmyun admonishes, “I should go home and let you sleep.”
“Stay,” Tao tightens his hold on Joonmyun, “I mean, do you want to?”
Joonmyun turns his head and places a kiss on the underside of his chin, “Yes.”
Tao startles awake, the green numbers on the clock displaying 4:24am. His throat is parched, but when he notices Joonmyun curled up next him, he doesn’t want to move. Tao can only make out the silhouette of his face, but he can already imagine exactly what he looks like. Dark lashes fluttering as he dreams, pretty pretty mouth parted slightly. Sometimes Joonmyun tucks his hands under his cheek while he sleeps, and Tao really likes that the best.
He gropes around for a water bottle, and after relieving his thirst, he goes back to sleep. Joonmyun shifts in closer.
☀☀☀
Tao’s nervous while he waits at the airport. Joonmyun’s flight is late, and the flowers he picked up are beginning to wilt in the heat seeping inside the highly underventilated building. He pulls at the collar of his tshirt and checks his phone.
He finally catches sight of a familiar brown head of hair bobbing between the mass of bodies.
“How was your flight?” Tao suppresses the need to pick Joonmyun up and pepper his entire face in kisses. He hands him the flowers, Joonmyun’s face brightening at the gesture.
“Good,” he fans himself, “but too long.”
“Let’s drop your things off at my place and then go grab a bite to eat?”
“Sounds wonderful,” Joonmyun hooks his arm through Tao’s.
Tao had returned to China after the school year had ended. He loved everything Korea had to offer, but he missed home. That was almost three years ago.
Joonmyun had been offered a teaching position at an elementary school in Tao’s neighborhood. He had expressed nervousness, “What if I’m not good enough? What if my Mandarin isn’t good? And the other teachers don’t like me?”
Tao had tried his best to soothe the tension away through their many skype calls.
“You’ll do great,” Tao had told him. He was still in the midst of finishing his own degree, having taken longer after switching his major for the upteenth time. This time it was social work, Tao wanted to become a counselor.
Yixing had settled down in Seoul, opening up his own dance studio. Last time they had spoken Yixing had been offered a job as a choreographer for an idol company. Tao was proud of him. On the other hand, Zhou Mi and Kris had gone their separate ways. They sometimes exchanged emails, Tao was happy for them too.
Tao ran into Lu Han sometimes, he had also returned to China, and there was always the famous Kim Minseok by his side. He had really liked Minseok when he’d met him, and Tao had seen the way he bit back smiles around Lu Han. They were still the same way.
Tao plays the part of tour guide until Joonmyun finally tells him he’s tired. They take a cab back to his apartment. It’s dark, the interior smells heavily of cigarette smoke, but Joonmyun holds Tao’s hand tightly.
The fluorescent light in the hallway outside of Tao’s apartment casts Joonmyun’s face in shadows, but he looks real and beautiful and he’s right here. Tao presses him against the door, making him gasp when he presses a knee between his legs and licks languidly into Joonmyun’s mouth.
The familiar taste of mint and street food have Tao breathing heavily when he pulls away.
“ Baby boy,” Joonmyun’s eyes are heavy lidded, “take me inside and fuck me.”
Tao unlocks the door, Joonmyun clinging to his back. He whispers into his ear, making Tao shiver.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Joonmyun breathes, “I’ve missed being near you.”
Tao’s body feels like it’s on fire when he presses a naked Joonmyun into the unmade bed.
Warm skin against skin.
They aren’t rushed, there’s no pretense of time hurrying them, but he knows Joonmyun is tired. He knows, but he also understands what he needs right now. He runs a hand up Joonmyun’s chest, the other dipping lower.
“I--I took the liberty of of um,” the flush on Joonmyun’s chest spreads, “you know.”
Tao loves to tease him, “You did what?” He feigns innocence, already inserting a finger, adding another when Joonmyun gasps. He hooks a finger on the rim, slowly dragging it out, “Tell me, what did you do?”
“I--” He breaks off into an exasperated groan. Tao smiles wickedly at him.
“I prepped myself earlier,” He holds Tao’s wrist in place, “when we were in that souvenir shop, and I went to the restroom.”
Tao tries to keep a straight face, surprised by his bluntness, he can’t help but giggle.
“Don’t laugh at me,” Joonmyun turns his head into the pillows, clearly embarrassed.
“I’m not,” Tao presses a kiss into the hollow of his throat, “I’m just surprised.”
“You’re such a-” he’s cut off when Tao slips inside of him, “ah.”
“I’m a what?” Tao whispers.
“You’re a brat,” Joonmyun keens.
He sets the pace slowly, watching Joonmyun squirm on the sheets, biting his fist when Tao takes him into his hand. Tao circles around the head, dragging his thumb along the underside.
“I’ve missed you,” Tao says, sucking a mark on Joonmyun’s collarbones, punctuating it with a snap of his hips.
“God--” Joonmyun digs crescents into his shoulders, “I’ve missed you too, I always miss you too much.” His back arches, and Tao picks up the pace, panting.
“Just like that baby,” Joonmyun praises him, pulling himself up, forcing Tao onto his back. “You’re so good,” he says lifting himself up completely and falling back down onto Tao’s hard length.
“Joonmyun-ah,” Tao’s laid out on the bed, helplessly watching Joonmyun ride him. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, he wants to touch everywhere. He resorts to taking Joonmyun in his hand again, pumping slowly.
“Faster,” Joonmyun speeds up his own pace, Tao snapping his hips up meeting him. Usually Tao is the talkative one, but when Joonmyun is like this, he can’t help but become speechless. He always has a way of seeping deep into Tao’s existence, settling easily into him.
Joonmyun hits his climax first, collapsing in a heap on Tao’s chest with a gasp.
“Sorry,” he says meekly. Tao doesn’t know if he’s apologizing for coming first or for making a mess on both of them.
“It’s okay,” Tao smiles at him, pushing the hair out of of Joonmyun’s eyes. Tao is about to pull out, but Joonmyun keeps him in place, rolling his hips.
“Are you sure?” Tao’s concern clear in his voice.
“Mhm,” Joonmyun hums sleepily, “let me take care of you.” He places a kiss on the bridge of his nose.
Tao’s chest expands like it always does, sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
Joonmyun sits up on his lap, he makes a small ‘o’ with his mouth when he does so. Still sensitive from his own orgasm, he begins to undulate his hips. Tao wants to flip them over and fuck into Joonmyun, but he likes this too. Even if the pace is maddening, and Joonmyun looks too much like sin when he pushes a thumb into Tao’s mouth. His other hand twisting into Tao’s hair, pulling gently at the strands.
“Suck,” he commands gently, “suck hard.”
Tao does as he’s told, and he lets one of his hands stroke up Joonmyun’s thighs. Tao finally comes, muscles tightening, but its slower somehow and quieter. Joonmyun clenches around him, helping him ride out his orgasm before slipping off.
“I love you so much,” Tao feels the wetness forming in his eyes. He sniffs trying to stop the overwhelming wave of emotion threatening to knock him over. He’s unsuccessful, because he feels the hot tears slowly slide down his cheeks.
“Don’t cry,” Joonmyun soothes, “don’t cry.” He pulls the comforter over their heads, creating a cocoon for two.
“I-I can’t--” Tao sucks in a breath, “I can’t help it,” his exhale is shuddery. He ends up hiccuping into Joonmyun’s embrace.
“My beautiful Tao,” Joonmyun whispers, “my lovely ray of light, my sunshine. The apple of my eye,” he brushes under his eyes, claiming Tao’s mouth with his own. Joonmyun is always like this, tender, handling Tao’s face as if it were a precious stone. It doesn’t seem real sometimes, and he clutches onto Joonmyun.
This is real, this is real. he chants as Joonmyun steals his breath.
Tao’s embarrassed, but he sleepily mumbles confessions of love in return until he falls asleep with the sound of Joonmyun’s soft laughter. They aren’t confessions anymore, they’re affirmations.
They share coffee most mornings across from each other, sleepy smiles mirrored on their faces. Exhaustion should only come like this, Tao thinks, from sore cheeks and staying up too late, whispering into the night like little kids. Things won’t always be perfect or easy. He knows this.
He can stand on his own, but he finds happiness with Joonmyun standing next to him.
“Hey Tao,” Joonmyun comes home early one day, “I have something for you.”
Tao doesn’t pay him much attention, because he’s busy preparing for the examinations he has to take to become a licensed social worker. He almost lets out a yelp when something small and furry jumps into his lap.
“You got a puppy?” Tao’s face lights up when the small white dog begins to lick his hand.
“Yeah, one of the teachers couldn’t keep her, so I said we could take her. Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay, she’s so tiny and cute,” Tao nuzzles the little dog, she already has a small pink bow affixed right above her ear. Joonmyun joins him on the couch, tucking his feet under himself.
“What should we name her?”
Tao looks at her, stroking under her chin. She falls onto her back in his lap, Joonmyun reaches over to rub at her belly.
“How about Candy?” Tao suggests.
“I think that’s cute,” Joonmyun agrees. They go out later that night to buy her food and a collar.
“Do you realize how domestic we seem?” Joonmyun asks when they’re walking home from the pet store. Candy is walking perfectly with her new leash. Tao hasn’t stopped cooing at how small she is.
Tao giggles, “I like it.” He switches the leash into his other hand and laces his fingers with Joonmyun’s.
“Me too,” Joonmyun’s eyes crinkle when he smiles, “as long as it’s with you.”
☀
a/n: im glad this came out how i wanted. i cried a lot as per usual tbh, sutaoooooooooo and i like good things
also bc sarai is very kind and very talented and wow *heart eyes emoji*
rating: nc17
length: 7.2k
warnings:sex, alcohol use, and brief mentions of social anxiety/home sickness,
summary: Comfort is what he needs, but Tao finds something more.
a/n: title from the song of the same name by the ramones. written for latinaeinstein originally posted on immortaolize
huge thanks to edori for beta-ing most of this (ily).
Saturday night smells humid, thick with leftover smog, it clings to his skin like a second layer as Yixing pulls Tao into the first club of the night.
Tao dances with anyone willing to pay him any attention. The two month old ritual already familiar, but tonight is different, tonight is lonely.
He misses home, he realizes with startling clarity as another nameless face promises to make him forget his own name. Countless others promise him the same thing. It’s not carefree like it usually is, and his senses are dulled with the steady flow of free alcohol.
They trek home as the sun begins to creep over the horizon. Yixing’s mumbled goodnight in soft Mandarin is comforting compared to the loud jumbled Korean around them. Tao falls into bed fully clothed. He doesn’t dream.
☀
He’s six hundred and ten kilometers from everything he knows, six hundred and ten kilometers from home.
He phones his mom, crying over the static the next day, the distance seemingly greater, the hushed I love you’s andeat well’s making him ache for the familiarity.
Sundays were never meant to be spent like this, he reminds himself.
He makes lunch.
Tao had been brave, excited even, to leave Qingdao and come to Seoul. That's what he wanted most, to experience life somewhere else. And he still wants to be here, even if the bitter taste of homesickness settles thickly onto his tongue.
His morning classes begin on Monday, unnecessarily early as he stumbles into the first open seat he finds. He feels awful, but he takes comfort in the fact that at least he doesn’t look like it. He had carefully applied concealer and spritzed himself with his favorite cologne. Tao may feel like a wreck, but he refuses to look like one. He zones in and out of the lecture, and his notes are jumbled words and squiggles that he’ll have to decipher later. A girl tries to talk to him after class, but his hands sweat. He forces a smile on his face, ducking out of the room immediately.
“Come to the meeting with me,” Yixing says, ignoring Tao’s protests. Yixing had asked him to wait outside of the science building for him.
“I wanna go home,” Tao says, whining. He’s finished with his classes for the day, and he just wants to sleep.
“It’ll be good for you to connect with other students from China," Yixing breaks off, "you’re not exactly making friends, and I’ve been begging you for weeks.”
“But,” Tao huffs, guilt settling in, “whatever.”
Yixing smiles, "you’ll like it, and we can leave early if you feel uncomfortable, okay?”
He groans, letting himself be pulled along.
He doesn’t want to admit it, but he does like it. There aren’t that many people there; Lu Han, a senior with pretty eyes is passing around a bag of cheetos. Kris, a senior too, shows up out of breath with Zhou Mi, whom Tao recognizes from the student affairs office.
“How are you adjusting?” Kris asks him, mouth full.
Yixing answers before he can speak, “He’s homesick.”
They all nod, knowingly.
“It’s hard, but you can do it,” Zhou Mi lays a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“I can help you with your Korean,” Lu Han offers, “I’m good.” He shakes the rest of the chips into his mouth.
“He is,” Yixing whispers, “but only because he’s in love with a Korean boy.”
Lu Han throws a chip at Yixing’s head, missing by a long shot. Everyone laughs at him, but he continues to eat, a huge grin on his face. Tao’s curious, but he doesn’t ask. He saves the question for later.
The door opens again and a short guy with dark hair walks in. Tao wonders briefly what kind of person wears a turtleneck sweater willingly. It’s not even very cold yet.
“Hey guys! Sorry I’m late. I had a presentation,” he pushes his hair out of his eyes, "you must be Tao.”
“Hello,” Tao cocks his head.
“I’m Kim Joonmyun. Have you been introduced to everyone else?”
He notices how small Joonmyun’s face is. The sweater suits him.
“Yeah, it’s nice to meet all of you.”
“Good, I’m really glad you finally came! I’m not sure if Yixing’s told you, but this is a group for foreign exchange students to find mutual support within the group. We try to make it easier for you all to settle in, build friendships, and get to know Seoul. Sometimes students taking Mandarin, like me, join us.”
“He’s not very good,” Yixing stage whispers.
“I’m trying!” Joonmyun pouts,”but I’m an Education major.”
Tao laughs behind his hand.
“Joonmyun, sit down,” Kris says pulling a chair out, “he’s really passionate. Besides him, I think everyone in here is doing business or international something, right?”
They all nod.
“So,” Zhou Mi sits up, “let’s get on with the meeting.”
They do, but there’s no real direction to their meeting. Joonmyun asks questions, tries for discussion, but they all just dissolve into different conversations.
“Hey Tao,” Joonmyun pulls him to the side. He hadn’t realized more than an hour had passed until Yixing had said he needed to get to work.
“Yeah?” Tao bends his head down, the height difference between them larger than he’d expected. His Korean is still stilted, but the syllables feel much more familiar to him now than they used to.
“Um, can I uh,” He looks down, “can I give you my number, you know, just in case you need anything?”
Tao’s mouth quirks up, the small gesture making him warm, “Thanks, that’s nice of you.”
Joonmyun rubs the back of his neck, “It’s really no problem, I just, I know it can be hard. Having someone else to support you is-- its good. I don’t know if I’ll be much help, but uh,” he looks up at Tao.
“Thanks,” Tao looks away, rotating the ring on his middle finger. “I really--” he stumbles with his words too, “Thanks.”
“Feel free to text, call,” Joonmyun hesitates, “I can make time if you just need someone to talk to, Yixing told me you were having a harder time adjusting.”
Tao scoffs, "Yixing worries too much.”
Joonmyun’s expression is sincere, “I can do my best to help too.”
Tao’s hands are much larger, brushing against Joonmyun’s soft ones when he hands his phone over.
“Anytime,” He pushes his hair from his eyes again, “okay?”
Tao nods, pocketing the phone, leaving while Joonmyun collects his things.
On the bus home he wills himself to stay awake. Monday already has him drained. He counts street lamps; there are more burnt out lights than lighted ones. Tao softly hums, his left cheek pressed to the cool glass. He breathes condensation onto the window, connecting specks of dust, creating his own constellations on the grimy glass.
His apartment is dark when he lets himself in, carefully lining his shoes up against the wall. Tao starts the kettle on the stove to make tea. He’s not very hungry, but he grabs a container of fruit as he sits on the kitchen floor. There were two cracked tiles when he moved in, a third added when he dropped his favorite mug. He remembers speckled ceramic and bright red, a warm shower to wash away frustrated tears.
He’s doing better.
His phone buzzes in his pocket, three times in rapid succession. He’s confused until he sees the name on the screen, but he pockets his phone again.
Tao doesn’t want to respond yet, doesn’t want to seem too eager.
The phone feels heavy until he replies later, lying in bed the screen lighting up the room. A simple message, his fingers hover over the keys, finally settling onIt was great meeting you too, omitting a smiley face before pressing send.
Joonmyun texts back immediately, asking for his schedule, suggesting coffee.
Tao doesn’t hesitate to reply this time, excitedly texting back.
It’s not until three am that Joonmyun says he’s tired, wishes him a good night.
or good morning Joonmyun texts.
His eyes sting, and his body feels stiff from lying in the same position, but he immediately falls asleep.
He’s excited.
This is new, this is good.
☀︎
Because time is strange and languid, things change somehow, and they progress. Polite conversations over coffee are traded for intimate whispering in the library, migrating to studying in Tao’s apartment, both of them sprawled on the floor, soaking in the warmth from the heater.
Joonmyun had accompanied him to buy a new winter coat just the other day. He had offered to take Tao to his favorite store. Bypassing the flashy coats, Joonmyun insisted Tao buy something practical. His hands had expertly buttoned the charcoal peacoat, reassuring Tao that it suited him.
“You look handsome,” He’d said.
Tao had averted his face, flushing at the compliment.
“Of course I look good,” Tao retorted.
Joonmyun rolled his eyes, “I take it back, you brat.”
The shorter boy had linked his arm through Tao’s later as they walked home. Tao content when he caught their reflection.
☀
Yixing asks one day, one of the rare and few days when Tao isn’t glued to Joonmyun.
“Taozi,” he asks gently, “are you and Joonmyun, y’know, dating?”
Tao freezes. He panics, but he fervently shakes his head no. Squeaks out a laugh, and he forces the idea out of his head.
“We’re just friends, nothing else.” And he knows Yixing isn’t accusing him, or demanding, but no, they’re just friends.
Friends.
Tao mulls Yixing’s words over later that day. Joonmyun is lying on his back, trying to memorize terms for his upcoming midterm. They’re in his room as usual; Tao maneuvers himself so that he can rest his head on Joonmyun’s stomach.
“Is there anything on your mind?” Joonmyun’s hands instinctively find their way into Tao’s hair. He carefully rubs the black strands between his fingers.
“Just tired,” Tao says, sighing into the touch. He can tell Joonmyun doesn’t believe him by the way his eyes keep flickering away from the flash cards.
Joonmyun gives him a long lingering hug when he leaves. “Rest,” He smiles worriedly, bidding him a goodnight.
Tao thinks he’s selfish, because the little seed Joonmyun had planted is growing and it’s greedy.
Maybe he gives too much.
And Tao can’t help but to take and take.
☀
Joonmyun wraps himself around Tao one night when he’s particularly homesick and the weight makes him wheeze, tears spilling over. He spends the night then, sleeping under the covers with Tao, whispering that it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.
Tao feels so small, protected. He finds support and stability in Joonmyun’s open arms, in the friendship he offers him. It’s almost nostalgic the careful way he holds Tao carefully. In turn, Tao thinks how easy it is, the way he can reach his hand over to thumb along Joonmyun’s wrist without a second thought.
It’s organic. It’s easy, the way they’ve easily fallen into one another.
Perfect.
Just like how he reaches out now, Joonmyun is sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed, the concentration on his face making his eyebrows furrow. He doesn’t notice how Tao’s fingers skate over his shoulder. The giant textbook sits in his lap, a jumbo sized highlighter resting in his hand.
“Only nerds use those,” Tao had teased earlier. Joonmyun had stuck his tongue out, he always changed his demeanor around Tao, dropped his guard, his smile much more relaxed.
Tao rests his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder now, practically pulling him into his lap as he wraps his long limbs around him.
“Hyung,” he’s whining, “It’s Friday night, let’s go get dinner.”
“You’re just going to trick me into paying,” Joonmyun continues to highlight in his book.
“Please,” Tao nuzzles into his neck, eliciting a giggle from Joonmyun, “please.”
He huffs, jumping up abruptly, “Hurry up.”
Tao scrambles to pull on his jacket, he knew Joonmyun would give in.
“Wait, it’s really cold today,” Joonmyun reaches up, wrapping a scarf around Tao’s neck, “better.”
He wraps his own scarf around his neck, and when they’re outside Tao pulls his arm through Joonmyun’s to snuggle in close.
“What should we eat?” Tao asks, eyeing different food stalls. It’s cold, the sky has that strange light that promises rain, or if they’re lucky, snow.
“Soup sounds good, or hot pot. And soju... soju also sounds good,” Joonmyun isn’t looking at him.
“Okay,” Tao feels different, something seems off, but he brushes the feeling away. He doesn’t dwell, because it doesn’t help anything.
Joonmyun stops in front of a restaurant. It’s small and incredibly warm when they walk in. The setting is intimate and quiet. Only two other people seem to be eating, but they’re wrapped up in their own conversation.
When their food arrives, two bottles of soju are placed on the table, and Tao immediately burns his tongue on the food. He pouts, annoyed that he ate a piece of scalding meat.
Joonmyun chuckles, "You okay?”
Tao shrugs, “Are you?” He eyes the way that Joonmyun’s shoulders are hunched, how his eyebrows haven’t completely unfurrowed since he came over that evening.
“I’m not sure, I just...” He places a piece of meat into his mouth after carefully blowing on it, “Sometimes I get kinda...” He sighs, giving up, carefully chewing his food instead.
Tao moves to sit next to him, wrapping his small frame into his arms, closing his eyes when he brushes his lips along Joonmyun’s temple. He feels the vein pulsing there, most likely from a migraine. He doesn’t miss the way Joonmyun stiffens briefly, until he relaxes into Tao.
But Tao doesn’t dwell.
“Eat,” Joonmyun wiggles out of his hold, “if I’m paying you have to finish everything on your plate.”
Tao moves back over to his side of the table and pours them some of the alcohol.
“Thanks Joonmyunnie,” Tao blows on a piece of pork, carefully chewing.
Joonmyun finally smiles, but it takes too long for him to do so.
Tao makes sure they keep drinking. Maybe it’ll soften the ragged edges of uncertainty.
He hopes.
And it’s later, when he feels too warm and his clothes feel too tight that he asks, “Joonmyun, can you sleepover tonight?”
“Sure,” he’s counting money to pay for their food.
Tao smiles. Everything is just a little bit off balance as they walk outside. He blinks slowly; the lights of the passing cars glaringly bright.
“Are you my best friend?” Tao asks. He’s wobbly on his feet as they walk back to his apartment. It’s not that far, and Joonmyun had mentioned something about cold air and sobering up.
“Do you want me to be?” He’s playful in asking.
“Yes,” Tao squeezes his waist, "yes,” he whispers, or tries.
“I dunno...you trick me into buying you food and then you get drunk,” Joonmyun’s teasing.
But Tao sucks in a breath. He stops abruptly, causing Joonmyun to knock into him.
“Joonmyun,” he’s stable, but everything still sways, “I would never use you.” And it’s slurred, but he’s pressing the flat of his palm on Joonmyun’s chest, the touch too heavy.
Joonmyun’s heart picks up.
thump, thump, thump
Tao’s cold palm presses in closer as if trying to calm him.
It’s not casual anymore, Tao’s nerve endings are singing with the simple need to be touched. He’s closing the distance between them, leaning down, but Joonmyun places his hand on his shoulder.
“Tao, we’re-“ Joonmyun’s voice sounds wet, but firm.Tao thinks how unfair it is for an instant when Joonmyun drank just as much as him.
“We can’t ruin our friendship.”
Tao’s deflating, Joonmyun continues,“We can only, this is only okay if--” Joonymun trails off.
He swallows thickly, Tao hates himself but smiles as he says, “We’re just friends,” and he’s closing the distance.
And it’s nice, so so nice.
It doesn’t mean anything.
Joonmyun is hesitant, careful in the way he presses his lips against Tao’s. He doesn’t push to open his mouth, he doesn’t tease with the slide of his tongue. He doesn’t cling in the same way Tao desperately wants to fist Joonmyun’s ugly wool sweater into his cold hands.
He desperately needs, “Joonmyun.”
Because Tao won’t pretend he doesn’t know what he’s doing right now, and he’s greedy.
“Please .”
Joonmyun’s lips part of their own volition, and Tao takes it.
Guilt stirs somewhere deep.
☀︎
The second and third times taste like warm beer, and Tao grabs Joonmyun’s expensive cashmere sweater tightly. He tastes the chicken they had eaten earlier on the other’s tongue; he muffles Joonmyun’s whimpers, because they’re right outside his apartment building. It’s hurried, as if what they’re doing is inherently wrong.
Maybe it is, Tao briefly thinks. The material of Joonmyun’s sweater is ruined when Tao pushes him against the side of the building, rough brick pulling at the threading.
Joonmyun had dressed handsomely for the evening, inviting Tao to accompany him to a dinner party his parents were having. They’re in Joonmyun’s old room now, looking at his collection of Star Wars paraphernalia.
Something bubbles in Tao’s chest, it’s probably the way Joonmyun looks as his eyes crinkle when he laughs at Tao’s teasing. Or maybe because Joonmyun is constantly breathtakingly perfect, and this is the only way Tao is able to show him how he feels.
Toeing at the boundaries, this is the fourth time, and it smells like pasta and tastes like sweet wine. When he slides Joonmyun’s slacks down, Tao revels in the softness of his thighs. It’s hurried, hands wandering over semi clothed bodies until Tao or maybe Joonmyun decides to venture back out into the party. Tao’s bottom lip is swollen red.
Joonmyun introduces him to his father’s co workers.
☀
“Tao, what the hell are we doing?” Joonmyun finally asks, their study sessions had come to a halt. They’re meeting in coffee shops again.
“I...I don’t know,” Tao’s hand itches to reach out to Joonmyun. Smoothe away the stress from his face, knead out the knots from his shoulders. His hands instead settle around the coffee before him.
“We’re just friends, this isn’t anything more than that, right?” There’s uncertainty and his voice wavers.
“Yes.”
“Okay,”Joonmyun’s lips stretch, but the expression is wrong.
They don’t look each other in the eyes anymore.
“Tao,” Yixing is quieter than usual, “did you and Joonmyun fight?” There’s a knowing look in his eyes.
“We uh,” Tao thinks about telling him, but he hesitates, “things are kinda different now. Between us.”
He chews on the cap of his pen, “Just, make sure you two communicate.”
Tao stares too long at the grammar notes he’s studying, but the words blur together. The smudged ink is taunting him from between the lines of his notebook paper.
Yixing doesn’t bring it up after that.
But the fifth time...the fifth time happens in his kitchen when the winter sun is much too harsh, and the sunlight is streaming through the white curtains Tao hates.
Things aren’t the same anymore, but Joonmyun had shown up with a bag of groceries and the promise of warm cooked food earlier that morning. An attempt to salvage their friendship, maybe.
Tao watches him from where he’s leaning against the counter. Joonmyun’s actions are methodical, his back rigid. He has the sleeves of his hoodie pushed up, and he’s washing the vegetables for the soup he had promised Tao.
“I hope you like this,” Joonmyun says focused on the task at hand, “It’s really yummy in the winter, keeps colds away. All that jazz.”
Tao laughs softly, "You’re such a dork.”
He turns around, “But I’m your dork.”
And it’s warm, and sincere and almost, almost like it used to be.
He pushes off and props his chin on Joonmyun’s shoulder, “Hyung.”
And it’s supposed to be cute, but it comes out too laden with wanting, hanging heavily between them. Joonmyun shuts the water off, drying his hands, Tao is five and a half centimeters from him now.
But Joonmyun’s turning, warm mouth crashing into Tao’s, and this is the first time Tao isn’t the only one full of desperate need.
Tao wants to savor the taste that is Joonmyun, caress and commit every inch of his mouth to memory.
This isn’t meant to be anything more than some mutual fulfillment, a progression of their friendship, a way to comfort.
Nothing more.
Nothing at all.
So Tao presses into his smaller body, letting the edge of the counter dig into Joonmyun’s waist, tangling his fingers into pretty soft brown hair. It smells like coconut, he knows. Tao sucks on his adam’s apple, careful not to leave a mark.
This is not his to claim, Joonmyun’s not his to want. Not like this.
“Your room,” Joonmyun pants out, digging his fingers into Tao’s nape.
Tao’s dazed, but he nods.
“Is this okay?” Quietly, gently, always gentle.
Tao nods, barely, “It stings.”
“Do you want me to stop?” Concern coloring Joonmyun’s question.
He shakes his head, “Keep going.”
Tao closes his eyes, the image of Joonmyun burned into the back of his lids. The way his eyes look, heavy, and the slight sheen of sweat on his clavicles, glistening.
But he clenches his eyes harder, drops his head, gives in.
Better.
Tao’s body adjusts to the welcome intrusion, but the touch is still foreign.
"Ah," he gasps. Eyes flying open. Joonmyun, grins up at him, smiling wider. He has two fingers buried deep inside of him.
“Again,” Tao pleads.
And Joonmyun complies, mercilessly.
It’s too late as Joonmyun starts to pump his fingers, stretching and teasing, so so close.
"Joonmyun, I’m, I think--" his body pulls tight, “it’s- it’s too much.”
"I can-"
“No,” Tao holds him in place, “Don’t,” he pants, “keep going. Please.”
He grinds down, keening. Condemning himself as he bucks into Joonmyun’s fist, wanting more, needing more.
He’s coming apart, a complete and utter mess.
Joonmyun’s looking at him like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
Tao reaches up, kissing him. It’s not pretty or romantic. He runs his tongue over Joonmyun’s sharp canines; he tastes the the quiet moans in his mouth, swallowing them whole.
There’s too much teeth, and a thread of saliva connects them when Joonmyun pulls away to kiss the inside of his knee.
It’s too tender.
Joonmyun is everything, everything and everywhere.
He gives in, even if it’s just a little bit. Just a little bit, Tao reassures himself, just this once.
He’s being consumed, completely.
When he comes, the explosion of stars is behind his lids. If Tao is the world, Joonmyun is the sun.
His center. His everything.
“Good?” Joonmyun’s hair is disheveled, strands plastered to the sides of his face.
Tao's body is buzzing, and he nods imperceptibly. He notices that Joonmyun is still hard, a wet spot forming on his black boxers.
“Here,” Tao says gently, reaching inside of the cotton material. Joonmyun sighs when the younger takes his length in his hand.
“Its okay,” Joonmyun says, “I-I can take care of it.”
Tao smirks, “You scratch my back I scratch yours, right?” He cringes at his own choice of words.
Joonmyun doesn’t say anything, instead his head lolls forward when Tao runs a finger over the head, digging into the slit. He leans forward, taking him into his mouth, groaning at the heady taste.
Joonmyun.
Joonmyun bucks into Tao’s mouth when he pumps the rest of his length.
“Ah-” he gasps, “Tao-” name turning into a drawn out moan.
Tao sucks harder, pumps faster. Joonmyun’s release comes quickly, spilling over his fingers and into his mouth.
“See?” Tao says as he cleans up.
Joonmyun has his eyes closed, and he’s spread out on the bed, panting softly. Tao wants to curl into Joonmyun, to have him surround him as he falls asleep. But he smiles, placing a soft kiss on his temple and turns away.
He's collapsing inside, feeling the tightening in his chest and the tell tale sign of tears trying to escape. Tao closes his eyes too.
Joonmyun's phone is ringing, it stirs him from sleep a little later. Tao realizes he had ended up hugging Joonmyun in his sleep, and he blushes when he’s fully awake. Joonmyun just smiles.
Maybe he feels just as guilty.
"I have to go, I forgot I had a study group today."
He promises to cook him a meal another time, and to go ahead and use the supplies for whatever Tao wants to make for himself.
He throws out the vegetables days later. This is the first time he and Joonmyun haven't talked for a while.
He comes across the forest green hoodie Joonmyun had been wearing when he's doing laundry a week later. It smells too familiar.
He throws it in the wash and wears it to sleep.
Awful.
Terrible.
He hates it.
But he could never in his lifetime bring himself to hate Joonmyun.
☀
“Come eat lunch with me today,” Lu Han asks when they bump into each other in the library.
Tao thinks its a good idea, he’s never hung out with Lu Han on his own. He just isn’t expecting to be seated in a sticky McDonald’s booth, but here he is. Tao nibbles at his fries.
“I usually eat with my friend, but he had to tutor someone.”
“Who’s your friend?” Tao’s trying to make conversation. They haven’t talked much before, but he noticed Lu Han doesn’t talk much in general.
“Kim Minseok.”
Tao hears the way he says the name, how he forms the sounds carefully, delicately delivered.
“You like him.”
Lu Han flushes, “Like isn’t a strong enough word.”
“You’re in love?” Tao wags his eyebrows, teasing the older boy.
Lu Han continues, cheeks coloring, “It’s like everyday I found a reason to want him in my life more. Ahh,but I think it’s because we didn’t fall in love?”
“What do you mean?” Tao’s curiosity is sparked.
“Its like...like this natural path we took. Like it was the next logical step? Loving each other.” Lu Han’s clearly embarrassed, he avoids Tao’s eyes, but he’s smiling around the straw of his soda.
“So you can’t live without one another?”
He sets his drink down, “No, that whole ‘I can’t live without you’ love is bullshit,” Lu Han looks at him now, “It’s more of ‘I think you’re great, I love you, let’s coexist’ kind of thing. He clams up after that.
Tao doesn’t know what to say, or how to respond. He hadn’t expected Lu Han to open up about something like this easily.
“Can I meet him?” Tao finally asks.
Lu Han bites back a smile, “Only if you fix whatever’s going on between Joonmyun and you.”
Tao pauses,“Does everyone know?”
“Nah, Yixing was just worried, but I could tell. Joonmyun seems lost lately. But so do you.”
Tao doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t have to, not when Lu Han places a hand on his shoulder, “It’ll work out, but you have to want it.”
Tao’s stomach churns.
What Tao wants isn’t what Joonmyun needs.
They go their separate ways. Lu Han’s words burrowing deep into his thoughts, they play endlessly on loop in the back of his head.
Sorry, Joonmyun texts him when Tao invites him out for lunch.
Tao responds quickly, its okay. tomorrow then?
i have a lot on my plate Joonmyun finally texts a week later.
Tao doesn’t respond, and Joonmyun skips the group meetings.
☀
Winter is deeply rooted in Seoul. The cold air tears into his bones; Tao can’t seem to get warm. Yixing looks him over after his first class on Wednesday and sends him to the campus clinic. Tao has a high fever, and it doesn't break until two days later. His entire body aches. Yixing brings him food, but he’s busy with work. Teaching a kid’s dance class in the evenings takes up a lot of his time. Tao makes him leave, not wanting him to catch whatever it is he has.
“Don’t worry Xing, I can take care of myself,” Tao reassures, suppressing a cough on the phone on the second day.
“I don’t know, I’ll send someone over to check up on you, okay?” They hang up after that, because Yixing’s students begin to arrive. Tao pulls the comforter over his head and goes back to sleep.
Tao wakes up disgruntled and bleary eyed. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes when he hears knocking on his door.
“I’m coming,” his voice cracks. He pulls on a sweater, shivering at how cold the floor is when he gets out of bed.
Tao peers into the peephole, but he can’t see who’s outside. He opens the door and is greeted with a meek looking Joonmyun.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Did Yixing call you?” Tao wants to be irritated, but he’s glad to see his friend.
“He said you were really sick, asked me to bring you juk.”
“Ah.”
“Can I come in?”
Tao nods moving aside.
Joonmyun takes his shoes off, finding his way into the kitchen. Tao watches from the door.
There’s a feeling that always finds its way into Tao’s chest. It blooms, too big to fit. It kind of hurts, especially when Joonmyun throws a tentative smile his way, the juk placed into a ceramic bowl. They settle onto the floor, Tao’s apartment lacking a real couch. He turns the tv on, an American Christmas movie is playing.
“Isn’t it too early for Christmas?” Tao asks, trying to make conversation.
“I guess,” Joonmyun keeps his eyes on the program, “but Christmas is in less than a month.”
Tao hums, continuing to eat.
“Are you feeling better?” Joonmyun asks.
“I think so, it was probably a twenty-four hour bug or something.”
“Tao,” Joonmyun’s eyes are heavy on him.
He lifts his gaze, “What?”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you.”
Tao shakes his head slightly, “It’s okay, you were busy.”
Joonmyun turns away, his hair falls into his eyes. “ Kinda, but--I...I was avoiding you. I needed time to think.”
Tao places the bowl on the floor next to him. He brings his legs up, resting his chin on his knees. In this position he can hold himself together, but he diverts his eyes. “I’m sorry, for all of this,” Tao bites back tears.
“No! No, its not, its not your fault.”
“Then what?” Tao asks, “This clearly isn’t working.”
“I think we should..” Joonmyun scratches the back of his head.
Tao starts to crumble, accepting “I think--”
“Let’s try us--”
“We don’t have to be--” Tao almost chokes, “what?”
“I know you don’t see me, like that,” Joonmyun laughs awkwardly, “but do you think maybe we could try it. Us, I mean. Could we try to be more than friends?”
“Do you like me, like that?” Tao wants to know.
Joonmyun’s face flares up bright red. He makes this facial expression that’s too pinched for him to be smiling and it’s kind of the most unattractive thing Tao’s ever seen.
He adores it.
“Because I--“ Tao pats his warm cheeks. His fever feels like its back, but he doesn’t think that’s it, “I think you’re the sun.”
“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Joonmyun’s face is even redder, “I do though. I think when I saw you at our meeting for the first time,” he clears his throat, “I thought you were breathtaking. I like spending time with you, being around you--”
Joonmyun’s stealing the words right out of his mouth, so Tao leans in and kisses the edge of his jaw.
“I love you a lot,” Tao whispers, “but I think I might be in love with you too.”
“Oh,”Joonmyun nods dazed, “I didn’t think...”
He pulls Joonmyun against his chest, hooking his legs around the other’s waist. They’re both facing the tv in this position. Joonmyun pulls one of Tao’s hands into his own.
“I honestly didn’t think you felt anything.”
“I’m offended,” Tao’s voice is light, but hoarse, “you’re too,” he pauses, “you’re too..It’s hard to not fall for you,” he confesses.
“It’s late,” Joonmyun admonishes, “I should go home and let you sleep.”
“Stay,” Tao tightens his hold on Joonmyun, “I mean, do you want to?”
Joonmyun turns his head and places a kiss on the underside of his chin, “Yes.”
Tao startles awake, the green numbers on the clock displaying 4:24am. His throat is parched, but when he notices Joonmyun curled up next him, he doesn’t want to move. Tao can only make out the silhouette of his face, but he can already imagine exactly what he looks like. Dark lashes fluttering as he dreams, pretty pretty mouth parted slightly. Sometimes Joonmyun tucks his hands under his cheek while he sleeps, and Tao really likes that the best.
He gropes around for a water bottle, and after relieving his thirst, he goes back to sleep. Joonmyun shifts in closer.
☀☀☀
Tao’s nervous while he waits at the airport. Joonmyun’s flight is late, and the flowers he picked up are beginning to wilt in the heat seeping inside the highly underventilated building. He pulls at the collar of his tshirt and checks his phone.
He finally catches sight of a familiar brown head of hair bobbing between the mass of bodies.
“How was your flight?” Tao suppresses the need to pick Joonmyun up and pepper his entire face in kisses. He hands him the flowers, Joonmyun’s face brightening at the gesture.
“Good,” he fans himself, “but too long.”
“Let’s drop your things off at my place and then go grab a bite to eat?”
“Sounds wonderful,” Joonmyun hooks his arm through Tao’s.
Tao had returned to China after the school year had ended. He loved everything Korea had to offer, but he missed home. That was almost three years ago.
Joonmyun had been offered a teaching position at an elementary school in Tao’s neighborhood. He had expressed nervousness, “What if I’m not good enough? What if my Mandarin isn’t good? And the other teachers don’t like me?”
Tao had tried his best to soothe the tension away through their many skype calls.
“You’ll do great,” Tao had told him. He was still in the midst of finishing his own degree, having taken longer after switching his major for the upteenth time. This time it was social work, Tao wanted to become a counselor.
Yixing had settled down in Seoul, opening up his own dance studio. Last time they had spoken Yixing had been offered a job as a choreographer for an idol company. Tao was proud of him. On the other hand, Zhou Mi and Kris had gone their separate ways. They sometimes exchanged emails, Tao was happy for them too.
Tao ran into Lu Han sometimes, he had also returned to China, and there was always the famous Kim Minseok by his side. He had really liked Minseok when he’d met him, and Tao had seen the way he bit back smiles around Lu Han. They were still the same way.
Tao plays the part of tour guide until Joonmyun finally tells him he’s tired. They take a cab back to his apartment. It’s dark, the interior smells heavily of cigarette smoke, but Joonmyun holds Tao’s hand tightly.
The fluorescent light in the hallway outside of Tao’s apartment casts Joonmyun’s face in shadows, but he looks real and beautiful and he’s right here. Tao presses him against the door, making him gasp when he presses a knee between his legs and licks languidly into Joonmyun’s mouth.
The familiar taste of mint and street food have Tao breathing heavily when he pulls away.
“ Baby boy,” Joonmyun’s eyes are heavy lidded, “take me inside and fuck me.”
Tao unlocks the door, Joonmyun clinging to his back. He whispers into his ear, making Tao shiver.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Joonmyun breathes, “I’ve missed being near you.”
Tao’s body feels like it’s on fire when he presses a naked Joonmyun into the unmade bed.
Warm skin against skin.
They aren’t rushed, there’s no pretense of time hurrying them, but he knows Joonmyun is tired. He knows, but he also understands what he needs right now. He runs a hand up Joonmyun’s chest, the other dipping lower.
“I--I took the liberty of of um,” the flush on Joonmyun’s chest spreads, “you know.”
Tao loves to tease him, “You did what?” He feigns innocence, already inserting a finger, adding another when Joonmyun gasps. He hooks a finger on the rim, slowly dragging it out, “Tell me, what did you do?”
“I--” He breaks off into an exasperated groan. Tao smiles wickedly at him.
“I prepped myself earlier,” He holds Tao’s wrist in place, “when we were in that souvenir shop, and I went to the restroom.”
Tao tries to keep a straight face, surprised by his bluntness, he can’t help but giggle.
“Don’t laugh at me,” Joonmyun turns his head into the pillows, clearly embarrassed.
“I’m not,” Tao presses a kiss into the hollow of his throat, “I’m just surprised.”
“You’re such a-” he’s cut off when Tao slips inside of him, “ah.”
“I’m a what?” Tao whispers.
“You’re a brat,” Joonmyun keens.
He sets the pace slowly, watching Joonmyun squirm on the sheets, biting his fist when Tao takes him into his hand. Tao circles around the head, dragging his thumb along the underside.
“I’ve missed you,” Tao says, sucking a mark on Joonmyun’s collarbones, punctuating it with a snap of his hips.
“God--” Joonmyun digs crescents into his shoulders, “I’ve missed you too, I always miss you too much.” His back arches, and Tao picks up the pace, panting.
“Just like that baby,” Joonmyun praises him, pulling himself up, forcing Tao onto his back. “You’re so good,” he says lifting himself up completely and falling back down onto Tao’s hard length.
“Joonmyun-ah,” Tao’s laid out on the bed, helplessly watching Joonmyun ride him. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, he wants to touch everywhere. He resorts to taking Joonmyun in his hand again, pumping slowly.
“Faster,” Joonmyun speeds up his own pace, Tao snapping his hips up meeting him. Usually Tao is the talkative one, but when Joonmyun is like this, he can’t help but become speechless. He always has a way of seeping deep into Tao’s existence, settling easily into him.
Joonmyun hits his climax first, collapsing in a heap on Tao’s chest with a gasp.
“Sorry,” he says meekly. Tao doesn’t know if he’s apologizing for coming first or for making a mess on both of them.
“It’s okay,” Tao smiles at him, pushing the hair out of of Joonmyun’s eyes. Tao is about to pull out, but Joonmyun keeps him in place, rolling his hips.
“Are you sure?” Tao’s concern clear in his voice.
“Mhm,” Joonmyun hums sleepily, “let me take care of you.” He places a kiss on the bridge of his nose.
Tao’s chest expands like it always does, sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
Joonmyun sits up on his lap, he makes a small ‘o’ with his mouth when he does so. Still sensitive from his own orgasm, he begins to undulate his hips. Tao wants to flip them over and fuck into Joonmyun, but he likes this too. Even if the pace is maddening, and Joonmyun looks too much like sin when he pushes a thumb into Tao’s mouth. His other hand twisting into Tao’s hair, pulling gently at the strands.
“Suck,” he commands gently, “suck hard.”
Tao does as he’s told, and he lets one of his hands stroke up Joonmyun’s thighs. Tao finally comes, muscles tightening, but its slower somehow and quieter. Joonmyun clenches around him, helping him ride out his orgasm before slipping off.
“I love you so much,” Tao feels the wetness forming in his eyes. He sniffs trying to stop the overwhelming wave of emotion threatening to knock him over. He’s unsuccessful, because he feels the hot tears slowly slide down his cheeks.
“Don’t cry,” Joonmyun soothes, “don’t cry.” He pulls the comforter over their heads, creating a cocoon for two.
“I-I can’t--” Tao sucks in a breath, “I can’t help it,” his exhale is shuddery. He ends up hiccuping into Joonmyun’s embrace.
“My beautiful Tao,” Joonmyun whispers, “my lovely ray of light, my sunshine. The apple of my eye,” he brushes under his eyes, claiming Tao’s mouth with his own. Joonmyun is always like this, tender, handling Tao’s face as if it were a precious stone. It doesn’t seem real sometimes, and he clutches onto Joonmyun.
This is real, this is real. he chants as Joonmyun steals his breath.
Tao’s embarrassed, but he sleepily mumbles confessions of love in return until he falls asleep with the sound of Joonmyun’s soft laughter. They aren’t confessions anymore, they’re affirmations.
They share coffee most mornings across from each other, sleepy smiles mirrored on their faces. Exhaustion should only come like this, Tao thinks, from sore cheeks and staying up too late, whispering into the night like little kids. Things won’t always be perfect or easy. He knows this.
He can stand on his own, but he finds happiness with Joonmyun standing next to him.
“Hey Tao,” Joonmyun comes home early one day, “I have something for you.”
Tao doesn’t pay him much attention, because he’s busy preparing for the examinations he has to take to become a licensed social worker. He almost lets out a yelp when something small and furry jumps into his lap.
“You got a puppy?” Tao’s face lights up when the small white dog begins to lick his hand.
“Yeah, one of the teachers couldn’t keep her, so I said we could take her. Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay, she’s so tiny and cute,” Tao nuzzles the little dog, she already has a small pink bow affixed right above her ear. Joonmyun joins him on the couch, tucking his feet under himself.
“What should we name her?”
Tao looks at her, stroking under her chin. She falls onto her back in his lap, Joonmyun reaches over to rub at her belly.
“How about Candy?” Tao suggests.
“I think that’s cute,” Joonmyun agrees. They go out later that night to buy her food and a collar.
“Do you realize how domestic we seem?” Joonmyun asks when they’re walking home from the pet store. Candy is walking perfectly with her new leash. Tao hasn’t stopped cooing at how small she is.
Tao giggles, “I like it.” He switches the leash into his other hand and laces his fingers with Joonmyun’s.
“Me too,” Joonmyun’s eyes crinkle when he smiles, “as long as it’s with you.”
☀
a/n: im glad this came out how i wanted. i cried a lot as per usual tbh, sutaoooooooooo and i like good things
also bc sarai is very kind and very talented and wow *heart eyes emoji*