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[chester85]

I'm so happy that things work out the way they do...and the way they don't. Well, it doesn't make me happy that things don't work out, but it makes me happy that they don't when I don't want them to. It's hard to explain it to people who don't understand it already. For instance: say you've been out with this guy/girl a few times and thought you were interested but now you just want out w/out strings attatched. You would rather this DIDN'T work out, because you don't have any interest in being with this person in a relationship anymore. I'm generally not a fickle person, but I find myself ending up with these guys that just don't emotionally and/or spiritually measure up to me. The last guy I attempted to date seemed like a settlement rather than an adventure. He reminded me too much of my brother, in that most things were a compromise where I expected that he expected something of me when he did something I wanted to do but he didn't want to do. But if he doesn't TELL me in PLAIN ENGLISH that he truly doesn't want to watch a movie, how the fuck am I supposed to know? (Vent coming on, prepare thyself). I can't stand it when people say what they don't mean, and expect you to understand that they're just trying to be polite. If you ask, "Do you want to rent a movie?" and the other person replies, "I don't care. Whatever you want," I expect that they honestly don't care and that watching a movie would be fine. The message always comes clear w/my buddy Jordan. It just didn't w/PJ...not at all. So I rent a movie and go over to his house and we're watching it, and he keeps touching me. (We're both high so I don't think anything of it until he starts putting some strength into his little grabs). I lightly push his hands away EVERY TIME, but he doesn't get the message. I pause the movie (which I'm trying to enjoy just for the pure sake of the movie, NOT making out to it) and ask him, "Did you really want to watch a movie or do you want to mess around?" Of course I don't get a clear and honest answer, "We can watch the movie. It's fine." "You didn't answer my question." "What? We can watch the movie if that's what you want." "But it's not what only I want, you said you didn't care. Now I honestly just want to watch a movie and you're trying to make me feel guilty about not giving you some. Well that just sucks." (He backs off, seemingly slightly insulted) "Alright alright, we'll just watch the movie." So, we watch the movie, and when it's over I say I want to leave because I'm feeling really tense about the situation. A football game is going to come on, and he asks me to stay. "No, I really want to go home." "I watched your movie. You can watch a football game with me." Of course I'm fuming because of his deceit, but I let the guilt trip get the best of me. I left at half time, very convinced that this relationship was NOT going to work. I'm glad that I never called him and that he never called me. It just wasn't a good match. It was a desperation match. Right now I want to focus on myself and who is good for me. I surround myself with those who support and enjoy me. Well, I try, anyway. Each day I more strongly realize that I can never be perfect and have black and white definitions for my virtues and how I stick to them. I can only do the best I can, but that is more than good enough for me, and that is all I need to know. That should be all anyone would ever need to know for themselves. Many just can't see it, and I feel sorry for them; but if they're happy with their possessive, shallow lives, then I am somewhat happy for those people as well. Just don't get them anywhere near me. Oh, wait, I live in so-Cal, it's impossible to stay away from people like that.

Well, Fletcher came over on Monday and we had jolly fun. I ended up sleeping over at his house and had more jolly fun. I'll be getting something in the mail within the next two weeks that I would like all Alcovians to see...especially Joe. *hides face in shirt and mumbles Joeish*