Lobotomy with a swizzle stick pt IV
I feel like a husk these days.
This last year has been rather draining. I look back on who i was and who i am now and I'm displeased. While i have become more thoughtful and caring towards others, I've lost my will to fight for anything worth having. At every turn it seems there is something else i must conquer, and lately my response has been to let it defeat me. Between my grandmothers illness and becoming incapable of caring for herself or be left alone at all, the horrible monetary situation, and my severe onset of social anxiety.. i find myself barely functioning anymore.
It seems like every time i start to get ahead there is another obstacle to fight. Another argument to occur, another bout of life changing drama. Something. It's always something.
And i understand that is just how life functions. how it operates. But i don't have it in me anymore to keep pushing on any longer. All i can find myself doing is sitting around thinking about how i want things, and how it's just never going to happen. I feel like a child. Why can't i have my cake and eat it too? Why does what I want or need never match with the appropriate time? And why, like usual, am i stuck awake with this knot in my stomach reminding me of happier times, and showing me I'm just not going to have them for now. Maybe later.
I feel like a ping pong ball. My thoughts are scattered. My emotions are so up and down it's overwhelming beyond belief. one minute I've made peace with myself. I understand what i need to get by, and even what would make me happy. The next minute i realize i can't live with the mediocrity I've settled for and the despair becomes more than i can handle.
My job is better than before, but still pays me barely above minimum wage regardless of it's full time status. Sure i got promoted, but i lost hours in doing so (go figure). I've inadvertently let important friendships start to slip through the cracks, or be changed forever by ignorance, fear, laziness, anxiety and a desire to please everyone.
My depression in the last year and a half has started to rule my life. That fear that if i change things myself I'll loose what i have. All the while loosing things to change I feel i had no control over.
I get so needy for human interaction i beg everyone to be around me, then get panicky and recede into long periods of hermit like behavior. I can't seem to find a comfortable medium. it doesn't help that i've lost the ability to confide in some people. my uncontrollable fear in social situations has made it hard to keep some friendships alive. Then when i try to reach out again, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. People that i have bared my soul to within the last year now feel as awkward to talk to as a 14 year old boy on his first date . Some because I've pushed the buck too far, some because i feel like I'm merely hounding them, and some because I'm afraid they got to know me too much.
Sure, I still have those i can talk to. A couple individuals i know that care and i respect them for that. But I just feel like i've lost so much, and it hasn't even gotten close to ending. I have horrible foreboding feelings about this year. I'm hoping it's just that Anxiety i'm having to get used to handling. That's something i've never felt so strongly before. I've always had some social anxiety problems, but i've gotten good at coping with it. Until now. Now it's pretty much threatening to kick the shit out of me.
*sigh* i'm not tired, but i work tomorrow morning... I'm going to go bury my head in a pillow and pretend the world isn't there.
This last year has been rather draining. I look back on who i was and who i am now and I'm displeased. While i have become more thoughtful and caring towards others, I've lost my will to fight for anything worth having. At every turn it seems there is something else i must conquer, and lately my response has been to let it defeat me. Between my grandmothers illness and becoming incapable of caring for herself or be left alone at all, the horrible monetary situation, and my severe onset of social anxiety.. i find myself barely functioning anymore.
It seems like every time i start to get ahead there is another obstacle to fight. Another argument to occur, another bout of life changing drama. Something. It's always something.
And i understand that is just how life functions. how it operates. But i don't have it in me anymore to keep pushing on any longer. All i can find myself doing is sitting around thinking about how i want things, and how it's just never going to happen. I feel like a child. Why can't i have my cake and eat it too? Why does what I want or need never match with the appropriate time? And why, like usual, am i stuck awake with this knot in my stomach reminding me of happier times, and showing me I'm just not going to have them for now. Maybe later.
I feel like a ping pong ball. My thoughts are scattered. My emotions are so up and down it's overwhelming beyond belief. one minute I've made peace with myself. I understand what i need to get by, and even what would make me happy. The next minute i realize i can't live with the mediocrity I've settled for and the despair becomes more than i can handle.
My job is better than before, but still pays me barely above minimum wage regardless of it's full time status. Sure i got promoted, but i lost hours in doing so (go figure). I've inadvertently let important friendships start to slip through the cracks, or be changed forever by ignorance, fear, laziness, anxiety and a desire to please everyone.
My depression in the last year and a half has started to rule my life. That fear that if i change things myself I'll loose what i have. All the while loosing things to change I feel i had no control over.
I get so needy for human interaction i beg everyone to be around me, then get panicky and recede into long periods of hermit like behavior. I can't seem to find a comfortable medium. it doesn't help that i've lost the ability to confide in some people. my uncontrollable fear in social situations has made it hard to keep some friendships alive. Then when i try to reach out again, it feels awkward and uncomfortable. People that i have bared my soul to within the last year now feel as awkward to talk to as a 14 year old boy on his first date . Some because I've pushed the buck too far, some because i feel like I'm merely hounding them, and some because I'm afraid they got to know me too much.
Sure, I still have those i can talk to. A couple individuals i know that care and i respect them for that. But I just feel like i've lost so much, and it hasn't even gotten close to ending. I have horrible foreboding feelings about this year. I'm hoping it's just that Anxiety i'm having to get used to handling. That's something i've never felt so strongly before. I've always had some social anxiety problems, but i've gotten good at coping with it. Until now. Now it's pretty much threatening to kick the shit out of me.
*sigh* i'm not tired, but i work tomorrow morning... I'm going to go bury my head in a pillow and pretend the world isn't there.