The Tao of Julie pt2....
I've decided to post tonight to get my mind off things. Right now my primary reaction is to rage. I'm angry, but about things that the entire situation wont matter to me eventually. It will have no lasting impression on me and time will blow this all over and erase it from my mind like footprints in sand.
I try to recognize events like that when I'm angry. I feel that if i can notice events that will fade with time, then there will be less weight to bear on my shoulders at a later date.
It does not mean however, i have reached a point of forgetting these completely. Right now every frustration to me is like more drops in a bucket on my shoulders. Eventually i will drop a bucket to walk away and never look back. I'm trying to not be that person.
In the past, when something has become too much to handle, i drop it... walk away. pretend like it never happened, and not in a beneficial way.
I work very hard to care... I honestly do. Now, once i do care about someone enough to call them a close friend, they are like family to me. I love them nearly unconditionally. Years can pass apart and i will still hold a friend in my heart as closely as i did when we saw each other last. Unless I've been burned one too many times...
Life is... hard right now. Some days (a lot more than not) i sit around honestly considering moving. And, regardless of the promising offers to Portland/Vancouver, sometimes i think somewhere else entirely. Reno NV, Massachusettes, New Hampshire, Maine... All places with family i could get enough support to get on my feet but still be on my own entirely (if that makes sense). There is a small handful of people right now that keep me here. My mother, and a few of people (a couple of which already live 100+mi away). I feel like I'm drowning here.
I sit right now, feeling like i can barely breath. When i try to rest and center myself i feel this incredible weight being pushed in around me. I've spent years ignoring my problems. About a life times worth actually. I can't make up my mind. Do i stay here and sort my problems when i feel like I'm drowning already? are the outside forces that surround me too much for me to make sense of things here? or do i need the support of those around me? I barely lean on my friends... I've forever been afraid that when i lean, they won't be there. I'm worried i will push them away with my internal torments. I've never learned to trust entirely (until more recently), and those that I've found i can confide in, I'm afraid I've already complained too much to already.
I feel like life has a plan of balance for me but all i can do is wallow in chaos.
I feel like i need to define myself, find the path to understanding. But so far all i can see is rock walls all around me...
Maybe i just need a better graphics card *g* I'm such a geek. Even in distress.
I try to recognize events like that when I'm angry. I feel that if i can notice events that will fade with time, then there will be less weight to bear on my shoulders at a later date.
It does not mean however, i have reached a point of forgetting these completely. Right now every frustration to me is like more drops in a bucket on my shoulders. Eventually i will drop a bucket to walk away and never look back. I'm trying to not be that person.
In the past, when something has become too much to handle, i drop it... walk away. pretend like it never happened, and not in a beneficial way.
I work very hard to care... I honestly do. Now, once i do care about someone enough to call them a close friend, they are like family to me. I love them nearly unconditionally. Years can pass apart and i will still hold a friend in my heart as closely as i did when we saw each other last. Unless I've been burned one too many times...
Life is... hard right now. Some days (a lot more than not) i sit around honestly considering moving. And, regardless of the promising offers to Portland/Vancouver, sometimes i think somewhere else entirely. Reno NV, Massachusettes, New Hampshire, Maine... All places with family i could get enough support to get on my feet but still be on my own entirely (if that makes sense). There is a small handful of people right now that keep me here. My mother, and a few of people (a couple of which already live 100+mi away). I feel like I'm drowning here.
I sit right now, feeling like i can barely breath. When i try to rest and center myself i feel this incredible weight being pushed in around me. I've spent years ignoring my problems. About a life times worth actually. I can't make up my mind. Do i stay here and sort my problems when i feel like I'm drowning already? are the outside forces that surround me too much for me to make sense of things here? or do i need the support of those around me? I barely lean on my friends... I've forever been afraid that when i lean, they won't be there. I'm worried i will push them away with my internal torments. I've never learned to trust entirely (until more recently), and those that I've found i can confide in, I'm afraid I've already complained too much to already.
I feel like life has a plan of balance for me but all i can do is wallow in chaos.
I feel like i need to define myself, find the path to understanding. But so far all i can see is rock walls all around me...
Maybe i just need a better graphics card *g* I'm such a geek. Even in distress.