(no subject)
Ok, I have nothing else to do but write in here,
I should have known Jess and I werent good because we never fought about who loved who more, of course I would probably have killed both of us if we did, but it was always known that...ok no, it wasnt. But heres the thing, Jess and I are great for each other, when were together, I mean people always say its about the little things, and it is. I mean look at me, I cant handle sleeping with someone else in the same room, ever, anyone, except maybe my mother and brother. Not Tia, Spooney, Niki, Kirsti, no one. But...Jesse and I, were great at sleeping together (yes, actually sleeping) Neither of us are kickers, he gets hot so he usually wont hold me but he compromises and we'll like interwine our legs or something, and...yeah, we just. yeah. And there the whole house issue. Im weird in peoples houses, Like Tia, I have known her and have been going to her house forever since I was atleast 5, and still its just weird Im uncomfortable or...not myself around her family, and its dirty, now all houses are dirty and God knows mine is, but its.. their dirt. It just, freaks me out, and its the same at most places. Spooneys old place, not so much her new one, and Not Niki's but thats cause they're house is like a fucking hospital. And her dads, well I think thats cause its like my old house. But I mean. my first night in San Jose, should have been so uncomfortable, its a new house, a new city, a new guy, a new fucking state for the most part. but no, I was fine as far as that stuff went. I weas a little nervous around Monica but...not once we got back to the house, and I think I was just afraid of Esamuel, and well I didnt see Santos until the next morning and that was kinda weird, but...I was sleeping on the living room floor. And it wasnt weird between Jesse and I, I mean, things were kind of awkward in the car, when he kept smiling and was trying to give me a tour of San Jose at 11:30 at night, and I didnt want to see anything but his brown eyes, but...things just felt so natural. And normally Id have been kinda...freaked about someone coming to spend a week in my house (or seeing as nothing there was mine. my mothers house) and seeing how things really are..etc. But no, I wanted Jess to see all that, and I wasnt freaked about it. Im so comfortable with him, about everything. and thats something.
I love Jesse, and I am doing everything against my instinct and beliefs for him. I do love him, more then a friend, I would fucking marry him (not right now) but Im atleast trying with everything I have to... hide that. For him, because...for whatever reason he wants that. Now, from someone who never has really had love (for any suffiecient amount of time) thats..mindboggling, but Jesse doesnt really understand the idea of not having anyone openly love you. He has people who he wants it from who dont, but even still...hes always had someone who does, whether he realized it or not. I dont, no one can tell me my parents openly love me, I know they do but...they dont..perform the act of loving me (And you fucking perverts need to shut up)
And because I love Jesse so much, Im doing everything I believe is wrong, everything I said I would never do. But, I do love him, and if he needs this, then Ill do it. I just hope, Im not losing someone I truly love by doing so.
I should have known Jess and I werent good because we never fought about who loved who more, of course I would probably have killed both of us if we did, but it was always known that...ok no, it wasnt. But heres the thing, Jess and I are great for each other, when were together, I mean people always say its about the little things, and it is. I mean look at me, I cant handle sleeping with someone else in the same room, ever, anyone, except maybe my mother and brother. Not Tia, Spooney, Niki, Kirsti, no one. But...Jesse and I, were great at sleeping together (yes, actually sleeping) Neither of us are kickers, he gets hot so he usually wont hold me but he compromises and we'll like interwine our legs or something, and...yeah, we just. yeah. And there the whole house issue. Im weird in peoples houses, Like Tia, I have known her and have been going to her house forever since I was atleast 5, and still its just weird Im uncomfortable or...not myself around her family, and its dirty, now all houses are dirty and God knows mine is, but its.. their dirt. It just, freaks me out, and its the same at most places. Spooneys old place, not so much her new one, and Not Niki's but thats cause they're house is like a fucking hospital. And her dads, well I think thats cause its like my old house. But I mean. my first night in San Jose, should have been so uncomfortable, its a new house, a new city, a new guy, a new fucking state for the most part. but no, I was fine as far as that stuff went. I weas a little nervous around Monica but...not once we got back to the house, and I think I was just afraid of Esamuel, and well I didnt see Santos until the next morning and that was kinda weird, but...I was sleeping on the living room floor. And it wasnt weird between Jesse and I, I mean, things were kind of awkward in the car, when he kept smiling and was trying to give me a tour of San Jose at 11:30 at night, and I didnt want to see anything but his brown eyes, but...things just felt so natural. And normally Id have been kinda...freaked about someone coming to spend a week in my house (or seeing as nothing there was mine. my mothers house) and seeing how things really are..etc. But no, I wanted Jess to see all that, and I wasnt freaked about it. Im so comfortable with him, about everything. and thats something.
I love Jesse, and I am doing everything against my instinct and beliefs for him. I do love him, more then a friend, I would fucking marry him (not right now) but Im atleast trying with everything I have to... hide that. For him, because...for whatever reason he wants that. Now, from someone who never has really had love (for any suffiecient amount of time) thats..mindboggling, but Jesse doesnt really understand the idea of not having anyone openly love you. He has people who he wants it from who dont, but even still...hes always had someone who does, whether he realized it or not. I dont, no one can tell me my parents openly love me, I know they do but...they dont..perform the act of loving me (And you fucking perverts need to shut up)
And because I love Jesse so much, Im doing everything I believe is wrong, everything I said I would never do. But, I do love him, and if he needs this, then Ill do it. I just hope, Im not losing someone I truly love by doing so.