oh then what have I seen this for
When you fall in love with your fantasy, there's a richness about creation that exists. You get designs on what you both do, how you carry on, and how you see each other in the other person's eyes. There's this very willing nature about both of you that exists to please the other person, and be content with the ways in which they are giving you the attention that you yourself feel worthy of.
From January until just a few days ago, that existed in my life. It's not the first time, but it certainly disproved many of the observations that I reported in the last post, most especially the "cold" descriptions of me that I thought were completely accurate. However I was dumped. And back into the aggressively self-critical, inadequate shell I went.
There's something to be said about pausing to fixate vs. pausing to stop yourself from closing yourself off from an experience like that for another three years.
So I carry on with some advantages but also some reservation to stop questioning "is it always me" in these situations.
I know that a sense of inadequacy dogs my daily existence, and will always. It's ironic that I'm posting this on Mother's Day since I started a lot of the comments in the early part of this journal due to inability to deal with a certain someone...
Let's think of this one way: I bagged my fantasy for the second time, and made a compelling case for holding him for longer than I ever thought possible. Someone liked me back and didn't, at least for a decent amount of time, become overcome with my sense of inadequacy. Funny how I typed that about five or six times omitting the "sense of".
I'm really not that inadequate. This goes back really far in my life to my parent's divorce and my inability to process it at a young age. Then coupled with my wacko mother it just turned into a raging beast that ruled my world for quite some time. It still is fossilized in my demeanor and probably will be forever. But this relationship helped me curb it. The question is do I need to continue to prove myself to "me" to get rid of the sense? Can't I just say "No, you're not inadequate, get over it".
Today when talking with two other adults of similar age, I put myself down in terms of my occupation because I felt inadequate and didn't want to trump up my experience artificially by only giving neutral responses, which would lead my audience to believe that I have more responsibility than I actually do. While correct, I feel the need to downplay my experience because I dislike and feel utterly annoyed at some of the hyperbolizing in my industry about job role and responsibility.
I haven't shaved since two Fridays ago, and have been pretty lax in getting myself to the gym since then. Some noted that I was acting a little depressed. There were a few other things that compounded the breakup since that day, and I understand that it also is just a case of all the cruddy stuff sort of coming to fruition right at the wrong time for processing-sake.
I'm slowly on the mend. I unfortunately felt the need to prove self-adequacy physically and probably regret that. Maybe this is inappropriate at such an adult age to be even wondering why I did that.
Which brings me to the question: When talking about the problems you have becomes inappropriate (ie they should have been taken care of by your age), are you officially an adult?
I'm sure there'll be other hot Boston Irish trash that comes out as they get older. I just hope they aren't as f'ed as I think they will be.
From January until just a few days ago, that existed in my life. It's not the first time, but it certainly disproved many of the observations that I reported in the last post, most especially the "cold" descriptions of me that I thought were completely accurate. However I was dumped. And back into the aggressively self-critical, inadequate shell I went.
There's something to be said about pausing to fixate vs. pausing to stop yourself from closing yourself off from an experience like that for another three years.
So I carry on with some advantages but also some reservation to stop questioning "is it always me" in these situations.
I know that a sense of inadequacy dogs my daily existence, and will always. It's ironic that I'm posting this on Mother's Day since I started a lot of the comments in the early part of this journal due to inability to deal with a certain someone...
Let's think of this one way: I bagged my fantasy for the second time, and made a compelling case for holding him for longer than I ever thought possible. Someone liked me back and didn't, at least for a decent amount of time, become overcome with my sense of inadequacy. Funny how I typed that about five or six times omitting the "sense of".
I'm really not that inadequate. This goes back really far in my life to my parent's divorce and my inability to process it at a young age. Then coupled with my wacko mother it just turned into a raging beast that ruled my world for quite some time. It still is fossilized in my demeanor and probably will be forever. But this relationship helped me curb it. The question is do I need to continue to prove myself to "me" to get rid of the sense? Can't I just say "No, you're not inadequate, get over it".
Today when talking with two other adults of similar age, I put myself down in terms of my occupation because I felt inadequate and didn't want to trump up my experience artificially by only giving neutral responses, which would lead my audience to believe that I have more responsibility than I actually do. While correct, I feel the need to downplay my experience because I dislike and feel utterly annoyed at some of the hyperbolizing in my industry about job role and responsibility.
I haven't shaved since two Fridays ago, and have been pretty lax in getting myself to the gym since then. Some noted that I was acting a little depressed. There were a few other things that compounded the breakup since that day, and I understand that it also is just a case of all the cruddy stuff sort of coming to fruition right at the wrong time for processing-sake.
I'm slowly on the mend. I unfortunately felt the need to prove self-adequacy physically and probably regret that. Maybe this is inappropriate at such an adult age to be even wondering why I did that.
Which brings me to the question: When talking about the problems you have becomes inappropriate (ie they should have been taken care of by your age), are you officially an adult?
I'm sure there'll be other hot Boston Irish trash that comes out as they get older. I just hope they aren't as f'ed as I think they will be.