Sleepless Night
Wow... I took a 4 hour nap and now I can't seem to fall back asleep. I did get an extra hour but it was plagued by a dream. The closer the next year approaches, the more my dream happens. My dream of my modification. Most of my friends know about my dream of my tattoo(s) and what it may look like, but they aren't the ones to go under the needle. I'm quite anxious to begin... The whole body modification began when I was 12 when I started piercing myself, I have't pierced just my ears. I put quilting needles through parts of my hands (the "thick", the flap of skin between the thumb and index finger), I've put peircing needles through a part of my neck (the loose skin towards the bottom, down where the neck meets the chest). I used to put needles in my arms (through the loose, thick skin) during shows in Philly. But I never kept the needles in... I couldn't find barbells long enough and I really didn't want my parents to know about my lust for pain and extreme modification. They began to see it when I started to peirce my cartilage, but because that particular piercing was become very popular, they thought nothing of it... Until I started gaging. Started out small, Hell, when I started I only had 4 peircings. The lobes and the top of the lobe; in both of my lobes I have 3 piercings because when I started to peirce I wanted to get 5 in each to have a star, but when I got to the third (think of a triangle, because that's what I have now) I had started to gauge the bottom peircing and it became unbalanced. So I gave up on the idea of the star and proceeded to add more holes, and made them bigger. The largest I have in my lobe is a double zero, now I'm thinking about going up one more size; and in my cartilage I have a 6, which is about the size of a stick of eyeliner. Yes, I can stick small pencils through that piercing, and yes, I can stick my fingers through my lobes. I want a couple more before I decide to quit, I'm thinking about a few more cartilage since I have zero room in my lobe. Dude! I could peirce the very middle of my lobe and put a tiny ear ring in it, that'd be hot. Probably wouldn't work, like a lot of my piercings- if I had kept every hole I made in my ears I'd have over 20, and if I had kept the holes I had made in the rest of my body I'd have close to 15 or 16... :sighs: Maybe I'll go to the parlor and talk to the artist who will be making my back and body more beautiful. I don't know where I got the initial idea to undergo the minor transformation, but I'm gonna go through with most of it. I don't think I'm entirely ugly, but there's something inside that wants to see more than the plain pale skin. Something inside wants to see art, I see my art on my ears, then I glance back to my bare pale skin on my back I think "perfect canvas". I'm also getting tattoos on my legs, black roses on both ankles and my grandfather's numbers that were tattooed onto him when he was in a Siberian concentration camp. My family keeps telling me "Jews don't mutilate their bodies with such things". Well, thank goodness I'm not Jewish. Even if I was, that wouldn't stop me. Religion is the center of my life, it guides me through the good times and the bad. It doesn't restrict me from persuing my goals of self-improvement, even though some see it was mutilation. If it was mutilation, I would feel pain- I don't feel pain. Well, I feel the pressure but it doesn't hurt- my eyes roll back in ecstasy. Mind over matter, I guess. When I go home tomorrow to shower, I'll draw a rough sketch of what my vines will look like, I'm thinking about not getting an Alice in Wonderland tea party. Instead, I may have the vines travel down my whole back, down to the furthest vertebrae before my ass and then travel around my sides and curl on my pelvis. The good part about this is I can hide the tattoo if needed, and I still have enough hair to cover my piercings. I want to get my tongue split but I'm not sure if I want to risk infection, I love my tongue dearly. It's long and strong and perfect, not too thick, not too skinny- just right. But as far as any other tattoos, I may think of getting some on my chest, maybe more vines. OooooOooooOoooh, get vines underneath my collar bone! :drools: That'd so hot. I'd cream myself everytime I'd look in the mirror, I think my collar bone is the sexiest part of my body... I'm weird, don't have to remind me.
Now you may be asking, why vines? Vines are beautiful plants that thrive by feeding on the life source of other plants, they slowly destroy buildings- but they do it so gracefully. Vines grow where things have died as well... they grow to hide and trap things. They emphasize beauty... everything that has happened to me. The bitch fed on my life source (my trust and heart) and slowly destroyed me over the years with such grace... she had killed a huge part of me... she tucked me away, hid me from the truth. The vines are an object of history, they are a picture of my life's story. And the pain that may come from the long hours I'll go under the needle are a testiment to my endurance and will to live on after all the hurt and lies. They shall remind me everyday of what happened so that I may never forget. The vines, the black roses (one will have my great-grandfather and grandfather's names in Hebrew and the other will have my father's name in Hebrew, and Joseph's name in Chinese since he was Buddhist), and my grandfather's numbers- they shall remind me of a past that shall never repeat itself.
And what of the peircings? They're symbolic too. They represent the holes in my heart and all the lies that were told. Every time I pierce myself, I feel relief. I feel a little better. I think after everything is done, once my tattoos are completed... once my life is the way I want it to be, I shall be free, And that is a beautiful dream to fight for.
Now you may be asking, why vines? Vines are beautiful plants that thrive by feeding on the life source of other plants, they slowly destroy buildings- but they do it so gracefully. Vines grow where things have died as well... they grow to hide and trap things. They emphasize beauty... everything that has happened to me. The bitch fed on my life source (my trust and heart) and slowly destroyed me over the years with such grace... she had killed a huge part of me... she tucked me away, hid me from the truth. The vines are an object of history, they are a picture of my life's story. And the pain that may come from the long hours I'll go under the needle are a testiment to my endurance and will to live on after all the hurt and lies. They shall remind me everyday of what happened so that I may never forget. The vines, the black roses (one will have my great-grandfather and grandfather's names in Hebrew and the other will have my father's name in Hebrew, and Joseph's name in Chinese since he was Buddhist), and my grandfather's numbers- they shall remind me of a past that shall never repeat itself.
And what of the peircings? They're symbolic too. They represent the holes in my heart and all the lies that were told. Every time I pierce myself, I feel relief. I feel a little better. I think after everything is done, once my tattoos are completed... once my life is the way I want it to be, I shall be free, And that is a beautiful dream to fight for.