we stumble in a tangled web, decaying friendships almost dead, and hide behind a mask of lies
ok i haven't updated in FOREVER. seriously, wow. i just haven't had anything to say. like...nothing. it's sad really. well, that's not true, i've been doing stuff, and then just not caring enough to update. haha, not caring is fun. alright, so now i shall bore you with some incoherent rambling. yay for incoherence. lol.
ok, so, i have officially discovered that i have NO IDEA what i want. none. at all. like, you think you know, but you don't. yeah. like, tonight i saw caitlyn. wow. just wow. i'm not sure exactly how incoherent i want to get here. well, fuck it, might as well confuse you all, eh? (disclaimer: this is completely irrational and will most likely make no sense to anyone at all. just so you know...)
so i saw caitlyn and it brought everything to the front about what is going on with us. or, more accurately, what isn't going on with us. i want so badly to have what we used to have. i want it more than i could ever describe to you. i'm with her and everytime we talk to each other and it's different than what it used to be, i want to cry. i have such amazing memories with her, and nothing will ever be the same, which i am having some issues dealing with. things are different and i still haven't dealt with it. i just want everything to be ok, but it never will be the same and i cannot accept it. at least i haven't yet.
on the other hand, i don't want things to go back to how they used to be. even if they could, which they can't, i don't want that again. she made me want to kill myself in ways i never even thought possible. she has left more scars (physical and emotional) then anyone else in my short 16 year life. i could never go back to someone that left me that way. it almost makes me happy that she actually wants me back, and i have someone else. i have other people as opposed to when i needed her and i had no one. i know it's sick, but i like the idea that for this short time, in this small way, i can show her what she put me through. i never want her to feel as miserable as i did. i wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it would be nice to know that, even temporarily, she realized what i went through.
to continue this issue, i don't want to let myself get too close to her because i don't know what would happen between me and amy. i love amy and i don't want her to feel like i'm leaving for kay. i don't think i would. i would love to say, possitively, that i wouldn't, but i honestly don't know. and seeing as me and amy are ALWAYS together, any time i spend with caitlyn would impede on my amy time. so really there's no way to hang out with caitlyn without amy feeling pushed to the side at all. which is the last thing i want. so really i'm stuck.
oh right, to make this entirely worse for me, i'm starting to understand where caitlyn was with the beau thing. you know, the part where i wanted to kill myself because she liked beau better. i actually am starting to understand how guys do that do you. don't think, even for a second, that i'm saying that what she did was ok, but i can understand what happened. and, if i'm completely honest with myself, if the beau thing had happened to me instead of her at that time in my life, i would have done the same thing. crist, i hate that i just said that. let's pretend i didn't, mkay? great...
alright, so, in summary, i don't have any fucking clue what i want. that's a lie, i know what i want. i want to have what i had with caitlyn, without anything having changed, without hurting amy in any way. so really, i want to live in an alternate universe where everything is perfect and i can live in the past and the present at the same time. if anyone finds that, let me know because that's really where i need to go live.
ok, so off the caitlyn subject, life is pretty good. not much has been happening. hanging out with amy and remy and...well...that's it. damn, that's sad. ok well things with amy are good, as always. things with remy are good too.
ok, so i't turns out i'm done. i'm going to go. ta all. muah.
♥Anna♥
ok, so, i have officially discovered that i have NO IDEA what i want. none. at all. like, you think you know, but you don't. yeah. like, tonight i saw caitlyn. wow. just wow. i'm not sure exactly how incoherent i want to get here. well, fuck it, might as well confuse you all, eh? (disclaimer: this is completely irrational and will most likely make no sense to anyone at all. just so you know...)
so i saw caitlyn and it brought everything to the front about what is going on with us. or, more accurately, what isn't going on with us. i want so badly to have what we used to have. i want it more than i could ever describe to you. i'm with her and everytime we talk to each other and it's different than what it used to be, i want to cry. i have such amazing memories with her, and nothing will ever be the same, which i am having some issues dealing with. things are different and i still haven't dealt with it. i just want everything to be ok, but it never will be the same and i cannot accept it. at least i haven't yet.
on the other hand, i don't want things to go back to how they used to be. even if they could, which they can't, i don't want that again. she made me want to kill myself in ways i never even thought possible. she has left more scars (physical and emotional) then anyone else in my short 16 year life. i could never go back to someone that left me that way. it almost makes me happy that she actually wants me back, and i have someone else. i have other people as opposed to when i needed her and i had no one. i know it's sick, but i like the idea that for this short time, in this small way, i can show her what she put me through. i never want her to feel as miserable as i did. i wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it would be nice to know that, even temporarily, she realized what i went through.
to continue this issue, i don't want to let myself get too close to her because i don't know what would happen between me and amy. i love amy and i don't want her to feel like i'm leaving for kay. i don't think i would. i would love to say, possitively, that i wouldn't, but i honestly don't know. and seeing as me and amy are ALWAYS together, any time i spend with caitlyn would impede on my amy time. so really there's no way to hang out with caitlyn without amy feeling pushed to the side at all. which is the last thing i want. so really i'm stuck.
oh right, to make this entirely worse for me, i'm starting to understand where caitlyn was with the beau thing. you know, the part where i wanted to kill myself because she liked beau better. i actually am starting to understand how guys do that do you. don't think, even for a second, that i'm saying that what she did was ok, but i can understand what happened. and, if i'm completely honest with myself, if the beau thing had happened to me instead of her at that time in my life, i would have done the same thing. crist, i hate that i just said that. let's pretend i didn't, mkay? great...
alright, so, in summary, i don't have any fucking clue what i want. that's a lie, i know what i want. i want to have what i had with caitlyn, without anything having changed, without hurting amy in any way. so really, i want to live in an alternate universe where everything is perfect and i can live in the past and the present at the same time. if anyone finds that, let me know because that's really where i need to go live.
ok, so off the caitlyn subject, life is pretty good. not much has been happening. hanging out with amy and remy and...well...that's it. damn, that's sad. ok well things with amy are good, as always. things with remy are good too.
ok, so i't turns out i'm done. i'm going to go. ta all. muah.
♥Anna♥