the same fight
we make choices.
i am bad at them. and i hold others against them.
i involve myself with people whose poor choices i can blame on myself.
i am a martyr.
but im not saving anyone and im killing myself.
emotional suicide.
this relationship is too much negativity. too much hostility.
[[im not good with yelling]]
i really just want to be 6 feet underground.
in a hole in the dirt. solitude
without all the people complicating things.
do i hate the self i am
or the self i pretend to be
or the self others see me as
or the self i think i might be deep down
?
i think i hate the idea of myself more than anything.
that i cant be anyone but me. ever. i will always be every
mistake
i make. always be the fucked up shit ive seen. i will always be
swirling
confused
spinning dizzy in this boiling soup
and i cant get out because its my life. theres nowhere to go...
i am not really suicidal.
i just loathe myself. and everything i do. because its not who i am.
or who i think i am. i am not this weak
silly little girl. the one who lets the boy make them cry.
the one who shuts up because shes told to.
who lays in the puddle for his horse and carriage.
but i am. and he wont let me be.
and take care of that. he wants to break it... me...
he wants to push and pull with me. make me strong then make me weak. take me and
break me. because its easy. and i am too fragile. and too covered in scars.
everyone wants to rip them open.
or maybe i just do.... maybe it really is just me.
i just want his love. all of his love. and to give him all of mine.
everything.
and if he cant give that to me then i cant give it back to him... ive tried.
and if we cant just want to be together
and respect eachother enough
to not start fights over silly things
[[ i know my faults... ]]
then what are we really doing? nothing productive. we are just playing a game
hurting eachother because we have been hurt. and ultimately, that is more silly.
so why cant i just end it. why dont i just take the opportunity.
its not like it hasnt presented itself.
why doesnt he? well he has. and i begged for him back.
im a good puppy. i just have so much love... what am i supposed to do with it?
i want to lavish him
i want to make him silly love cards and buy him random things that make me think of him
and burn cds and go to shows and go get silly drunk and have sloppy sex
that we might not remember the next morning.
and spend every second together, kiss and be pukey cute. and i want him
to want the same. and to do the same for me.
partner.
in crime. in fun. in life. in adventure.
emotional, spiritual, physical togetherness. understanding eachother
without having to say it.
or fight over it...
::sigh:: when.
when am i going to just be happy?
when am i going to just be content with what i have?
make it work for me.
why cant i just do that now?
i am a martyr. i am killing myself in the name
of me.
i am bad at them. and i hold others against them.
i involve myself with people whose poor choices i can blame on myself.
i am a martyr.
but im not saving anyone and im killing myself.
emotional suicide.
this relationship is too much negativity. too much hostility.
[[im not good with yelling]]
i really just want to be 6 feet underground.
in a hole in the dirt. solitude
without all the people complicating things.
do i hate the self i am
or the self i pretend to be
or the self others see me as
or the self i think i might be deep down
?
i think i hate the idea of myself more than anything.
that i cant be anyone but me. ever. i will always be every
mistake
i make. always be the fucked up shit ive seen. i will always be
swirling
confused
spinning dizzy in this boiling soup
and i cant get out because its my life. theres nowhere to go...
i am not really suicidal.
i just loathe myself. and everything i do. because its not who i am.
or who i think i am. i am not this weak
silly little girl. the one who lets the boy make them cry.
the one who shuts up because shes told to.
who lays in the puddle for his horse and carriage.
but i am. and he wont let me be.
and take care of that. he wants to break it... me...
he wants to push and pull with me. make me strong then make me weak. take me and
break me. because its easy. and i am too fragile. and too covered in scars.
everyone wants to rip them open.
or maybe i just do.... maybe it really is just me.
i just want his love. all of his love. and to give him all of mine.
everything.
and if he cant give that to me then i cant give it back to him... ive tried.
and if we cant just want to be together
and respect eachother enough
to not start fights over silly things
[[ i know my faults... ]]
then what are we really doing? nothing productive. we are just playing a game
hurting eachother because we have been hurt. and ultimately, that is more silly.
so why cant i just end it. why dont i just take the opportunity.
its not like it hasnt presented itself.
why doesnt he? well he has. and i begged for him back.
im a good puppy. i just have so much love... what am i supposed to do with it?
i want to lavish him
i want to make him silly love cards and buy him random things that make me think of him
and burn cds and go to shows and go get silly drunk and have sloppy sex
that we might not remember the next morning.
and spend every second together, kiss and be pukey cute. and i want him
to want the same. and to do the same for me.
partner.
in crime. in fun. in life. in adventure.
emotional, spiritual, physical togetherness. understanding eachother
without having to say it.
or fight over it...
::sigh:: when.
when am i going to just be happy?
when am i going to just be content with what i have?
make it work for me.
why cant i just do that now?
i am a martyr. i am killing myself in the name
of me.