[LJ Idol 7: Topic 3] This civilized trap
I was never much of an activist, not really, not until now.
While all my friends were all about the hippie free-love communal living stuff, I was all about the settling down. I wanted the wife and the kids and the house and the picket fence and the shared bank account and the stability and the big fat FUCK YOU to anyone who wanted to tell me that I didn't deserve it.
They had their counter-cultural lives as perpetual graduate students, or as low-wage employees of little independent businesses - until the student aid ran out and the indie shops closed down and they had to figure something else out. Me? I studied business. I'm an accountant. How Establishment can you get? It goes with the wife and kid, with the wanting a wife and kids in the first place, and then with the having them.
And that was all I wanted - all I thought I wanted - until you came along. You, so like and so unlike the woman I've loved all these years. You, who taught me at last that it is not enough for me to have this life, that it must be possible for any of us who would seek it. You, most emphatically not just another one of the communal counter-cultural circle of friends I was dragged into by my wife.
What matters to me - security, family, children, respect, stability - it matters to you, too. It's something I can talk about as we walk, and not be mocked for my lack of respect of left-wing principles, not be told that if I cared about the security of my family I'd care more about the security of my planet and thus go on an all-organic locally-grown vegan diet or whatever. Or become a tax resister. Right, because getting sent to jail for tax evasion is a brilliant way to ensure my child's security. I still can't believe my wife suggested that, even as a joke. You can't believe it, either! That amazes me. I didn't know there would be someone like you. I thought I was the only one.
People are looking at us funny, wondering if I'm with you instead of with my wife, wondering if I should be. I just feel so at home with you, so relaxed, so much like I don't have to justify anything. And now I have to justify you. It seems so unfair.
In the late nights we work together for the laws that will give strength to our families, I cannot help but notice how beautiful you are. And as we say our good nights and return home to our respective partners, I wonder if you feel lonely, if you feel misunderstood, if you feel something is missing, the way that I do. I wonder if I even have to wonder, if there is even anything to be uncertain about. I know that you know that I know how you feel, that you know how I feel, and that feelings must never be acted upon.
Such is the nature of this civilized trap we are in. I value commitment above all, thus I must honor my commitment to one who values commitment less than I do. To kiss you is to kiss our values goodbye, to make a mockery of marriage and family and all we have worked for. To love you is to destroy everything - every last thing - that I love about you.
Were the free-love friends of my wife's right all along? Is a lifetime of commitment too much to carry out? How can I have all these doubts? After twenty years of fighting for the right to show how much I love one person, how can I possibly find myself in love with someone else?
I pace the floor of our bedroom while my wife sleeps, and I wonder how many of us will be caught in these civilized traps that we built ourselves.
While all my friends were all about the hippie free-love communal living stuff, I was all about the settling down. I wanted the wife and the kids and the house and the picket fence and the shared bank account and the stability and the big fat FUCK YOU to anyone who wanted to tell me that I didn't deserve it.
They had their counter-cultural lives as perpetual graduate students, or as low-wage employees of little independent businesses - until the student aid ran out and the indie shops closed down and they had to figure something else out. Me? I studied business. I'm an accountant. How Establishment can you get? It goes with the wife and kid, with the wanting a wife and kids in the first place, and then with the having them.
And that was all I wanted - all I thought I wanted - until you came along. You, so like and so unlike the woman I've loved all these years. You, who taught me at last that it is not enough for me to have this life, that it must be possible for any of us who would seek it. You, most emphatically not just another one of the communal counter-cultural circle of friends I was dragged into by my wife.
What matters to me - security, family, children, respect, stability - it matters to you, too. It's something I can talk about as we walk, and not be mocked for my lack of respect of left-wing principles, not be told that if I cared about the security of my family I'd care more about the security of my planet and thus go on an all-organic locally-grown vegan diet or whatever. Or become a tax resister. Right, because getting sent to jail for tax evasion is a brilliant way to ensure my child's security. I still can't believe my wife suggested that, even as a joke. You can't believe it, either! That amazes me. I didn't know there would be someone like you. I thought I was the only one.
People are looking at us funny, wondering if I'm with you instead of with my wife, wondering if I should be. I just feel so at home with you, so relaxed, so much like I don't have to justify anything. And now I have to justify you. It seems so unfair.
In the late nights we work together for the laws that will give strength to our families, I cannot help but notice how beautiful you are. And as we say our good nights and return home to our respective partners, I wonder if you feel lonely, if you feel misunderstood, if you feel something is missing, the way that I do. I wonder if I even have to wonder, if there is even anything to be uncertain about. I know that you know that I know how you feel, that you know how I feel, and that feelings must never be acted upon.
Such is the nature of this civilized trap we are in. I value commitment above all, thus I must honor my commitment to one who values commitment less than I do. To kiss you is to kiss our values goodbye, to make a mockery of marriage and family and all we have worked for. To love you is to destroy everything - every last thing - that I love about you.
Were the free-love friends of my wife's right all along? Is a lifetime of commitment too much to carry out? How can I have all these doubts? After twenty years of fighting for the right to show how much I love one person, how can I possibly find myself in love with someone else?
I pace the floor of our bedroom while my wife sleeps, and I wonder how many of us will be caught in these civilized traps that we built ourselves.