"It appears, sir, your adversary has no formal training in clowning..."
AMENDED: I am an idiot. How did I miss the chance to use this perfect icon?
I really <3 this. (With big hugs to blaisepascal!)
What if Bertie Wooster was The Batman?
“Good morning, sir. I have prepared a breakfast of scrambled egg, kippers and bacon, as per your request.”
“Fantastic, Jeeves! I tell you truly, I’ve worked up a massive appetite and that’s no mistake.”
“Am I to assume that tonight’s excursion went well, sir?”
“Well, it started off a bit sticky. My cape got all tangled when I went to punch this one hooligan in the face.”
“Ah, yes. The cape.”
“Jeeves, we’ve had this discussion twice now. The cape is part of the ensemble.”
“We have had this discussion twice, sir, because your cape has gotten tangled up in your legs twice.”
“Ah ha, Jeeves. I didn’t say it got tangled in my legs this time, merely that it had gotten tangled.”
“In what did it get tangled?”
“Well, around my right arm.”
“Is that not your good arm for fisticuffs, sir?”
“Don’t be coy. You know it is. And the cape stays.”
“I confess, I fail to understand the appeal of the cape.”
“It’s dramatic, Jeeves. Like a bat’s wings. Criminals fear it, I reckon.”
“Do criminals fear gentlemen in opera cloaks?”
“Ah, but this is cut differently from an opera cloak. It rupples.”
“Rupples, sir?”
“Yes. It ruffles and it ripples. Therefore, it rupples.”
“This ruppling of which you speak seems to have a great deal in common with tangling.”
“Enough talk about that, Jeeves. I think I’ve made it quite clear that the cape represents my bat-wings, for I am a child of the night, and so forth.”
“Could not some other form of abstraction suffice, sir?”
“Well, without the wings, I’m hardly a bat, am I? I’m sort of a black badger.”
“I understand badgers can be quite nasty in a pinch.”
“Yes, but it’s not like a great roaring badger came smashing through my window at Brinkley, is it? It was a bat. That’s an omen, Jeeves. Can’t mess about with omens, that’s bad luck.”
“Sir, a bat did not crash through your window either. You dreamt it.”
“Dream omens are still omens.”
“I concede the point.”
“Thank you, Jeeves. By the way, this is really cracking nosh.”
“I do my best, sir. So what happened after your encounter with the criminal class?”
“Oh, that wasn’t the only one.”
“Indeed?”
“You see, after I dropped off those thugs at the local constabulary -”
“Speaking of which, sir, that Detective Gordon fellow has been around again, asking after you. I do believe he suspects.”
“Drat. Are you sure?”
“Quite sure, sir.”
“I wonder how he caught on. I’ve been doing the growly voice, you know. Doesn’t sound a thing like me at all.”
“Yes, sir, but you also did the growly voice when you did your impersonation of a bear for the Policemen’s Charitable Association last month.”
“Do you think that tipped anybody off, then?”
“I would consider it possible.”
“Oh, by the way, Jeeves, while we’re on the topic, did you pick up lozenges for me?”
“Yes, sir. Blackcurrant, as you requested.”
“Brilliant. Where was I?”
“You had just dropped off some criminals with the police.”
“Exactly. I had some time left in the night, you see, so I wandered down to the dockyards, hoping to catch some criminals doing criminalish things.”
“And did you, sir?”
“Did I ever! This was the astounding thing, Jeeves - there was this band of bravos robbing a freighter!”
“Is that really so surprising, sir? Freighters are frequently the target of the unlawful.”
“I wouldn’t call this normal.”
“Why not?”
“Didn’t I mention the fellow in the makeup?”
“No, sir.”
“Well, there was one.”
“What sort of makeup, sir? Was he dressed for a pantomime?”
“Not quite so much that, Jeeves, as he was garbed like a clown.”
“What sort of clown, sir? Traditional whiteface, auguste, or are we speaking more of the comedia dell’arte variety of Italian clown?”
“…which one is the one that wears purple pants?”
“That would most likely be auguste.”
“Anyway. This clown was in charge of the other criminals.”
“That seems most improper. An auguste clown is known for being subservient to the whiteface. It appears, sir, that your adversary has no formal training in clowning.”
“I suspected as much when he started hitting me on the head with his brolly.”
“Did you apprehend him in the end?”
“No, no, that’s the rub. I got his underlings, you can bet on that, but the big cheese, as they say, ran away with the milk and the spoon.”
“So he escaped.”
“Shame, too. I suspect this clown will make up a good deal more work for me. Oh, did you catch that? “Make up.” Totally by accident.”
“Your wit remains sharp, sir.”
“Thanks, Jeeves. Anyway, it’s been a long night, so it’s to bed for Bertie, I think. Wake me up around two, would you?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Oh, and did you ask about -”
“Yes, I did inquire with the owner of the building as you requested. It seems that he is not keen on the idea of tenants putting in major construction projects in his apartments.”
“So that means no secret passage to the cellar, then?”
“Sadly not.”
“Drat. A secret base in the cellar would have been extremely thematic.”
“Bats do not often dwell in cellars, I believe.”
“It was a metaphor, Jeeves. A bat must have his cave, you know.”
“Or a badger his hole?”
“Do stop going on about badgers, Jeeves.”
“Certainly, sir.”
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I need Hugh Laurie icons...