Looking back and looking ahead

[cheryls_world]

I talked with a friend yesterday and it made me realize how my grieve over losing B will be lifelong. After I lost B I was sad and scared, but I tried to put it behind me at the time since Caitlyn needed so much help. I thought because of this that I handled things pretty well and for many months I thought me losing B was all behind me. A few things would set me off, but I was able to manage. Then receiving news that Caitlyn will have twin cousins next year was the last straw. It seems the older Caitlyn gets, the more I think about how it would have been like if B lived. I think seeing twins makes this more real to me. In my mind because I never got to see B as an actual formed baby (B looked more fetal like then baby like when I delivered) I was never able to get that close, but when looking at twins and knowing one of them was B just like my baby makes me realize that B was its own person and Caitlyn can not replace that. I would never say to a twin mom how about I take away your twin B and you can just be left with your twin A baby. MoM knows that each baby is unique and not replace by the other.

Also this isn't a good time for me. Last year at this time I was pregnant with two healthy, normal babies. I had already made it through the first trimester when most twins die and so I thought I was pretty much guaranteed two babies. We started to prepare for two babies.
I remember last Halloween thinking of what costumes I will dress the pair in the following year. Now I look at Caitlyn and her costume and it isn't the same. This wasn't the idea I had in my mind last October :(