i hate you, square one.
i feel like an incessant broken record.
always down on life.
always down on myself.
but honestly, i don't know what to do.
same as always.
am i always going to be this way?
god, please fucking tell me i'm not always going to be this way.
i suck.
i suck at this life thing.
not keeping jobs, not keeping school.
i'm good at nothing.
besides fucking up my life, and everyone else's around me.
once again i'm in another bad living situation.
the people around me who i've grown up with and known for years...
popping perscription pills.
inviting insane amounts of people over.
no food, nothing to drink.
always messy.
i thought this would be different.
i thought my life was changing.
i thought everything was going to come together.
but no.
so, kyle asks me if i want to move in with him, jamil, jacque and jeff.
i start getting excited. we make plans.
boom.
i find out that he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, 2 days before he asked me to be his girlfriend.
i find out that while he was telling me how amazing i was, and making me love him...
he was still with annie.
and he ended it with her in a text message.
not seeing her until a week later, telling her that he had cheated on her with me.
he says the relationship was over long before that. that she wasn't a part of his life for a long time, and that he knew what he did was horrible. but that he never loved her. never saw a future with her. and that he was too scared to be alone. until he met me. i'm the one he loves. i'm the one he wants to live with, marry, have kids with. and he'll spend the rest of his life proving it to me. that even though he was still technically with her, the relationship was over. he cried, begged me not to leave him. told me he would never cheat on me or lie to me like he lied to her.
but the reality is... that he did lie to me.
he hid this from me. telling me that they had broken up last year.
he made me the girl i have always hated.
the girl that was "better."
the girl i have always been left for.
he made me the fool.
the idiot who had no idea that while she was happy...
she was hurting someone else.
i don't know if i'd be an idiot to stay.
i don't know if my heart and my guilt will let me stay.
i love him. i love him with everything.
but... i just wanted this to be different.
i wanted there to be no secrets, no deception.
just for once.
i wanted it to be the way i thought it was.
but nothing can ever be simple.
i wish my mom was here.
she would know what to do. she would help me.
but honestly, i'm so lost.
all my friends tell me to stay. everyone tells me he loves me.
everyone tries to make me see it from an objective point of view.
but i don't know. i just don't know.
and after all of this...
i still find myself with him.
i still find myself telling him i love him.
i still find myself in his house.
i still find myself ready to go to sleep in his bed in his room.
and i will find myself pretending like everything's fine.
i will move in with him.
i will give him everything i can.
and i will lose.
i will be left.
and i will still find myself with nothing.
always down on life.
always down on myself.
but honestly, i don't know what to do.
same as always.
am i always going to be this way?
god, please fucking tell me i'm not always going to be this way.
i suck.
i suck at this life thing.
not keeping jobs, not keeping school.
i'm good at nothing.
besides fucking up my life, and everyone else's around me.
once again i'm in another bad living situation.
the people around me who i've grown up with and known for years...
popping perscription pills.
inviting insane amounts of people over.
no food, nothing to drink.
always messy.
i thought this would be different.
i thought my life was changing.
i thought everything was going to come together.
but no.
so, kyle asks me if i want to move in with him, jamil, jacque and jeff.
i start getting excited. we make plans.
boom.
i find out that he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, 2 days before he asked me to be his girlfriend.
i find out that while he was telling me how amazing i was, and making me love him...
he was still with annie.
and he ended it with her in a text message.
not seeing her until a week later, telling her that he had cheated on her with me.
he says the relationship was over long before that. that she wasn't a part of his life for a long time, and that he knew what he did was horrible. but that he never loved her. never saw a future with her. and that he was too scared to be alone. until he met me. i'm the one he loves. i'm the one he wants to live with, marry, have kids with. and he'll spend the rest of his life proving it to me. that even though he was still technically with her, the relationship was over. he cried, begged me not to leave him. told me he would never cheat on me or lie to me like he lied to her.
but the reality is... that he did lie to me.
he hid this from me. telling me that they had broken up last year.
he made me the girl i have always hated.
the girl that was "better."
the girl i have always been left for.
he made me the fool.
the idiot who had no idea that while she was happy...
she was hurting someone else.
i don't know if i'd be an idiot to stay.
i don't know if my heart and my guilt will let me stay.
i love him. i love him with everything.
but... i just wanted this to be different.
i wanted there to be no secrets, no deception.
just for once.
i wanted it to be the way i thought it was.
but nothing can ever be simple.
i wish my mom was here.
she would know what to do. she would help me.
but honestly, i'm so lost.
all my friends tell me to stay. everyone tells me he loves me.
everyone tries to make me see it from an objective point of view.
but i don't know. i just don't know.
and after all of this...
i still find myself with him.
i still find myself telling him i love him.
i still find myself in his house.
i still find myself ready to go to sleep in his bed in his room.
and i will find myself pretending like everything's fine.
i will move in with him.
i will give him everything i can.
and i will lose.
i will be left.
and i will still find myself with nothing.