I give myself very good advice, but very seldom follow it...
I have been at the mountains for five days now, my stay here coming to an end tomorrow unfortunately. I wish I could stay here much longer, I wish I could live here with mom, Ian and Deb. I feel so much more whole somehow every time I come here, this is probably a result of my wilderness camp experience. Wilderness was the first place I had truly felt safe, able to be myself and surrounded by people who cared about me and really wanted to help. And all the while I was enveloped in the secluded majesty of the mountains, it was almost as if they were watching over me, sheltering me from the outside world and its pain. The moment I left wilderness I swore up and down that I never wanted to see another mountain in my life, funnily enough now there is nowhere I would rather be. I miss them and relish any time spent here. Tomorrow I have to go back to the real world and two days afterwords I have to take the SAT. I’m so worried about the math because I know I shall do so very poorly, I haven’t studied a bit even though I’ve had months to do so. I planned to study during my time here at Mouse Hole, I even cracked open the books and reviewed notes and such from my old GED classes. But for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to bite the bullet and actually study. I knew it wouldn’t make much of a difference because the test was only five days away. Thats what I told myself anyway. I’m sure it would have made at least some bit of difference. It’s not like I’m doing myself any favors, I’m only furthering my reasons for feeling inadequate and unintelligent. I’m lapsing back into the old routine of, “it’s boring and tedious and hard so I’m not going to do it.” If I want to get into college and actually successfully complete college in a timely manner then I am going to HAVE to suck it up and learn to do things I don’t want to do when there are better things I’d rather be doing. You have to make certain sacrifices if you want a good education, which is why some people don’t have one. They don’t want to make the effort, the sacrifices, bettering themselves isn’t important while having fun and doing what you want when you want, is. I’m not a very good example of that at the moment, in fact I seem to fall in the latter category. But from now on, that’s going to change. Really.
I really hope that if I am accepted into the college of my choice for next fall that I actually do well and am not floundering about and cracked under the pressure of actual work. All the colleges I want to get into have very high standards for educational achievement. The classes are hard and challenging, I just hope I can rise to the challenge and not fail. Because when I fail I don’t just do it a little bit, I end up failing MISERABLY. Which is something I wish to avoid. But all the wishing in the world won’t help me, I’m going to have to actually do not just want. Wish me luck.