It's nearly christmas...
I have decided to delete all past posts and start afresh. I rarely have the energy or ability to post in here anymore, my life is shaping and changing with disturbing predictability.
Going around in circles, changing but staying the same it's a kind of unpredictable predictability. God only knows what 2005 may bring. A part of me hopes that it will bring the same riches and adventure as 2003, making this year a forgotten time that I can move on from. But saying that.. 2004 has taught me a thing or two.
* Relationships are hard work, family are hard work, friends are hard work but not impossible if the depth of feeling and ability to forgive are installed and worked on with care and consideration. If you love these people, things will come good and feeling will be respected.
* People, new people, strangers and people you forge strong bonds with... All hold a life of their own experiences and a world of possibility. You can find more wisdom in a stranger than people you know. I have been taught that by stepping out of your comfortable world, you can find adventure and experiences that change your life. In the most average places, we do not always need to travel the world to find excitement and optimism, or something that already lies within ourselves.
* Jealousy, insecurity, spite and anger are the most destructive hateful and selfish emotions I have had to deal with this year. Ridding myself of these emotions and facing up to the realitites of human nature taught me to breathe again and see the self worth inside of me. Whether these emotions are connected to someone you love, something you love or generally affect you as a person... they will ravage and destroy your ability to see yourself as someone worthy. We are all worthy of love, success and luck. But the strong person will overcome such feelings, make their own luck and feel like they have something to offer the world.
* Honesty is something important if you are to respect someone you care about and their entitlement to it should always be at the top of your list. Be graceful and tactful but know when to stop talking(!). It takes a lot of courage to be honest.
* If you find someone you love and would like to be with then make sure you feel like you're worthy of them and that you could live your life without them, as strange as it sounds. This sense of self worth will give you both strength to support each other. Will make a relationship a situation where you're not dependant and therefore able, to put energy in to doing things together. Instead of wasting valuable emotional energy on picking yourself out of a hole and wasting away in arguments and petty bickering.
* If someone tells you they love you, cherish them and adore them,but most of all believe them. But respect them as well as yourself. You're always of equal importance, no matter what the situation. Putting people before yourself makes you open to losing them and your dignity. Occasionaly it is a wonderful thing to do, but frequentely is irresponsible and foolish.
* Friends are a wonderful source of information, advice, ganja and musical knowledge. They're the backbone of your life and when you parents go, your family are gone and your relationship sinks to piss, make sure you have good friends. Work, love and ignorance can ruin friendships and when you're not doing those things who will you need? Forge strong friendships and you will be strong and fufilled, even if everything else goes to bollocks a good friend will be there for you. Appreciate them and love them because they do you, for who you are, not for sex and not for superficial reasons. If a friend see's only shallow things in you then I have found they're not a friend, merely a lesson for the future, in choosing friends maybe :)
* Optimism and meditation can bring a mind the clarity that is so needed if you're a sensitive soul.
* Sometimes things do not work out for a reason, people may dissapoint you, people may hurt you and people may turn you away from something you thought you wanted to do. But what you're left with, your frame of mind and decisions that follow can turn minor rejection in to something wonderful and prosperous. Dissapointment can be a point in the right direction, though it all depends on the life you base around your plans.
* Memories are memories and the future is the next step towards creating more. Sometimes it can be scary to think about what the future may be. If you're upset, or heartbroken or greiving then what tomorrow brings can be almost unbearable. Life has a funny way of picking you up as well as knocking you down. You just have to look at life with a smile, wonder what lies in the next day and treat people with sincerity and care. Be generous, be kind and be observant, then tomorrow will be something of an adventure. Appreciate the natural beauty of your surroundings, be at one with what you see and laugh at the chaos that is trying to be controlled around you. Life is precious, do not waste it. Or abuse yourself. Or allow others to abuse you. Make your own decisions and take what I say with a pinch of salt.
* New Year is the time of year that people try and fail to reform themselves with resolutions with alarming predictability.. "Next week? Next month? Next fucking life!" as Janis Joplin said. Things are not going to get better, if you think a change of month or day will create that. It lies within and nobody but you can create change in yourlife fairly, we are responsible for ourselves, or development and life. Peopel fail in the New Year because they believe January is a fresh start, any time is a fresh start, if you have the dedication, self belief and strength to make it happen. It's dangerous to live your life by a gimmick, trust your own judgement and prosperity will follow in time.
* Taoism is something that has intrigued me since a very attractive curly haired gentle person introduced me to the tao te ching in 2003. At first I was intrigued but apprehensive, recentely the philosophy has inspired me and affected me in a wondeful way. I find myself being aware of the tao, and words spoken as advice, when I try to motivate people are surely benefited by reading that book and being aware of Taoism. It is not intrusive or overtly influential and though to some people it is god and to others the way, to me it is something gentle. The Tao is my little pick me up, it is strength, it is love and it is what helps me face the day with possibility and a smile even if I am crying inside. It is what helps me understand the person I love, even if he needs time to realise I understand. It is what makes the rain, the clouds, the sun and snow beautiful to me, it is a part of my spirit and it is the closest thing I have had to unconditional love and comfort. I expect, get bored and become irrational and restless. I can be a spoilt child, I can be selfish and I can be a horrible person. BUT now realisation and comfort can point me in the right direction, and knowing you are better than such emotions can help alleviate them form your world, and those you care about. It is control over things that create harm and chaos for yourself and those close to you.
I do not consider myself to be wise, or knowing or anything remarkable. I am learning lessons about people, life and love sometimes the hard way but most of the time, recognising mistakes made. Soemtimes it is too late to modify what you have done, how you have behaved and for people to accept bad they have seen in you is not as simple as just saying sorry. You have to respect the person/people and how they heal from the pain you create, some people want to be alone, some people need to cry, some people need to be away from you and some, there are a few special people that try to be there even if they can't. But if you realise someone cannot be there and you try to make them do so, it can result in you treating that person with less respect and love than you claim to feel for them.
I have been an idiot this year, I have been a mess and have been through patches of darkness. It has not all been bad, I have had some tender, beautiful and fun moments as well. Through it all I have never lost the ability to swim through the hard times and surface with a smile. This year will be no different. I understand my past and how it has helped shape me in to something, and you cannot just forget your past. It's important, I believe to give it a brief hug and then focus forward with wonder and optimism. I may have lost a person I care about, from my daily routine, from my life and may only have our memories and words said. It's something that has to be accepted, but it's not easy to face with a smile. when other people would find it hard to match such a figure it is easy to resort to spite and anger for some. I'll stand and quietly watch, even if it breaks a part of me, because this is a time when others have to be put before yourself. Even if it means you have to stand alone, even if you ache for someone, you sometimes have to stand alone. Have faith in yourself and the decisions of others.
Happy 2005 to everyone. I hope you have good health and strength of mind, love and happiness.