I feel like crying...

[cherrysquishy]

Actually, i am crying - its around christmas time you realize who are your friends and who arent your friends - i feel like i dont have anyone in the world who likes me - no one at work likes me, they all talk to me like im a piece of shit, no one gives me respect and all i do is kiss their asses and do everything for them - at work, im surprised they let me sign the card - i mean, hilarious i spent like 30 dollars on the three of them, and what do i get from them for christmas? 10 dollars to the movies - id rather have kept the 30 dollars myself! I mean, they all chip in like 3 dollars and split - bullshit. Everywhere i go, people treat me like shit. At curves, i have to sick up to the girls for anyone to talk to me, and some of them are so mean i dont even want to be there - my mom talks to me mean sometimes - constantly i get yelled at blue shadows, its not my fault im terrified of riding. I dont know where it came from, and all i know is i wish i had my own horse i could ride - a nice one that didnt try to kill me - but nooo. Krystal treated me like shit for dropping that stupid class ...people honk at me in the car all the time, even when im not doing anything, then give me mean looks when they speed up to pass me...Miguel treats me like shit, by calling me inviting me to go with him to the mall, making me break my plans with my dad, and as soon as i get in my own car, he ims me to tell me he no longer feels like hanging out with me..the friends he sees all the time, and the raves that are there are all the time are more important,..and then he doesnt give a shit when i say, dont worry you didnt hurt my feelings. No one can spare any time for me anymore = lauren goes on about how im two faced liar, and every night i pray that i would die. I swear its like every night, i keep asking God why he is torturing me by making me live! Everyone is soo mean to me, i just wish i could go somewhere else completely different.Just cause im fat doesnt mean i should have to be extra nice for someone to treat me with respect - other women at curves dont even look or acknowledge me when theyre having open conversations, most likely because im young, but if they would go a little deeper, they would see im not as dumb as i aparently appear to everyone in the world. Every time i turn around, im doing something wrong- and someone is being mean to me for some reason.

I hope you guys all have a merry crhstimas, cause mine is turning out to be the same as always
Shitty.

Its the christmas season - you all should be giving instead of being soo selfish towards me. I feel hate, and i shouldnt have to. I just wish sometimes like i was never born, then the world would be a lot better - and no one would be as mad or hate me as much, and i wouldnt have to dela with all this pain cause its too much for me to bear. Why am i always the one who is crying?You all look at me like im this gross fat thing - laughing when i get seriously hurt, or whatever it might be. Every time i turn around, someone is mad at me, and i just feel like quitting everything - I wish i could afford horse back riding lessons so maybe i could get over it...but the whole time im scared im going to fall off and get killed, or paralyzed - and trust me, it wouldnt be funny. I cant sleep so im getting all of this out. Sorry if it hurts anyones feelings, but you all have hurt mine - not that anyone cares or anything..but no worries, ill just go on, pretending like it doesnt hurt my feelings to be treated like some fat annoying slob, when secretly youre killing me more each day. Merry Christmas

- J