Friday Night Lights // Expectations And The Lack Thereof (Tim/Lyla, Jason/Lyla, Tyra)
Title: Expectations And The Lack Thereof
Author: cherryroad
Fandom: Friday Night Lights
Pairings/Characters: Tim/Lyla, Jason/Lyla, Tyra.
Length: 4560 words.
Rating: Soft R.
Spoilers/Continuity: Set after 1x10, before 1x11. I don't know anything about Tyra's mother, who, with my luck, will probably be completely different in the show.
Notes: This is my first FNL fic, and I'm posting it to get it out of my mind and get some constructive criticism - I guess I shouldn't be saying that I don't like it all that much, but I really don't (I think it's all the stupid plot's fault), so you can be honest with me so I learn for my next FNL story. The first two parts are betaed by riggins_girl, thank you.
I.
It's not that Tyra has never done what Tim has at almost his same level - she did cheat on him with Jason, sort of, even if they only made out, but that was because they were younger and she was unsure about sex with anyone but Tim and that part of their relationship went on unaltered, he still was her first and only and they were going through their third break-up in four months and it was not unexpected. And then they cheated on each other, and did not cheat on each other, and no one knew when it was one and when it was another.
That is the problem with Lyla - people have expectations of her. People have really high expectations of her, which Tyra supposes is a big pressure, but she's pretty sure it has never affected Lyla, because she has always met them without difficulty, and even been ahead of them at some points. She has dug her own grave, in a way, by doing that - if she had not been such a good girl, if she had not spent days and days in the hospital, everyone would be silent now. Tyra would be silent now.
The thing is, Tyra does not blame Lyla. She doesn't know whether she should or not, but she knows Tim. And she thinks that Tim is the kind of person who would do something like that, something like sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend, just like he has ignored his best friend's problems for weeks. Everyone thinks that Tim is that kind of person. That is why no one ever calls him names - that, and their fear of getting their heads broken.
See, this is one of the things that Tyra hates about Dillon and high school and high school in Dillon - there is you and there is me and I know if I can mess with you and how, because I have known you since forever and that means that I could write your next conversation and no one would notice it's not you talking. Or maybe I have not known you since forever, but there has been someone who has told me what to think of you. That is Lyla's problem.
When Tyra figures out that Tim --who many people call Tyra's Tim, or Riggs or the young Riggins boy or that alcoholic kid, although Tyra's Tim is the only one that's not accurate at all-- is in love with Lyla, Tyra does not envy Lyla's position. In fact, she feels happy about having goals that only depend on her and about finally finding a reason to make the definite break-up, the break-up of all break-ups.
Four days later, Tyra opens her locker to find a twenty-page study plan signed by "Lyla Garrity, your savior" and with a postscript that reads
"An early Christmas gift."
and makes her think what the fuck fifty times on her way to work.
That is the problem with Tyra - no one has expectations of her but herself, and that's the way it's supposed to be, and it is not in the spirit of assumptions to rebel.
*
If Tyra finds herself standing on the doorway of Lyla Garrity's house at the beginning of December, it's definitely not because she is the slightest bit interested in Lyla's intentions, but because she is interested in Lyla to know her own.
Lyla's dad opens the door and looks at her like he has just seen a ghost. Tyra expects him to say something, like "Are you looking for Lyla?", because, well, she does look her age, sort of, and that's the kind of thing parents say when someone who looks like they're their daughter's age knocks on the door. Buddy Garrity, however, stays quiet, a hand on the doorknob and his eyes on her neck.
"Hey, is Lyla here?"
Tyra shakes her head because that's more polite than waving in front of a fifty-year-old's face, and Buddy Garrity goes inside, leaving the door slightly open. Tyra hears him call Lyla, There's a girl at the door asking for you! and say to his wife, She's blonde.
"A blonde girl? Is she a cheerleader?" her wife answers.
"I think she's a waitress."
Tyra's close to craftily sticking her head out through the gap of the door when Lyla jumps in the hallway and out of the house, pulling Tyra's arm with her until they're between the street sidewalk and Lyla's house's front lawn.
"What the hell was that about?"
"What was what about?" Lyla not-answers, moving her ponytail like a five-year-old.
"Everything!" Lyla asks her to specify with a gesture, or lack thereof. "Well, for one, no one's father looks at someone like yours just looked at me."
"Oh. That." She's obviously disappointed. "He's not used to seeing girls without the cheerleading uniform at the door."
There are barely ten seconds of silence before Lyla gets ahold of Tyra's arm again and starts walking, too quickly for Tyra to react, without any apparent direction. Tyra is certain that Lyla is not stupid enough not to notice that Tyra has no idea what she is doing. "Stop," Tyra says, and they stop. Lyla looks at her. "What is this whole study-plan thing about?"
"You don't seem to be doing well in school. I thought I'd help."
See, that is one of the things that Tyra hates about Lyla and good girls in general - there are no undertones in their good actions. Lyla could say I have nothing better to do, anyway or This will distract me from my problems or I'm taking you down with me, or act like she is thinking it, but Tyra knows that Lyla is being honest and she feels like a horrible person in comparison, but she does not need this, she does not need to waste Lyla's time, and that is as good a excuse as any.
She disentangles their arms and runs a hand through her hair.
"I don't need any help. None at all. I'm going away. Far away. I don't do stupid tutoring things. I'll be gone," and she enjoys the sound of that word like no other, "next semester."
"You're not gonna finish high school?"
Tyra chuckles. "Did you think I was gonna do it?"
"My study plan? No. But yes, I thought you'd at least graduate. It doesn't seem right for anyone in our grade not to."
"It seems perfectly fine for me." Tyra turns her head to look at the sun, her hand avoiding direct contact with her eyes, and turns back to Lyla. "I have to go. I have a job."
Tyra turns her back on Lyla and starts walking.
*
On Friday, Tyra gets sent to table four at Applebee's and finds Lyla looking up at her. That is not surprising - the pile of papers on the table is. She uncovers her pen and waits for Lyla to say something. Lyla looks around like she's doing an inspection on the bar, and she probably is, somehow. "I had never noticed how bad your job is."
The thing with this new Lyla is that Tyra never knows what the hell she's supposed to answer. "Are you gonna order?"
"Not really."
"Then you have to go."
Lyla smiles sweetly, stands up, and walks out. Tyra observes from the picture window how Lyla gets into Tim's truck and shrugs. They talk before Tim turns on the engine and they disappear into the sandy air of Dillon.
*
Mrs. Taylor arranges a little meeting with Tyra for the following Wednesday; Tyra knocks on her door and is greeted by Mrs. Taylor, notebook in hand and her bag hanging off her shoulder. "I thought we could maybe talk about this outside. The wind will do us good."
Tyra's going to ask What wind?, but instead follows Mrs. Taylor to the school grounds and the football pitch. They don't talk until they sit on the bleachers, and even there, they take a minute to look at the boys training before Mrs. Taylor lets her notebook rest on her thighs and looks at her. "How do you plan to study for the GED, Tyra?"
Tyra looks at her, amazed at the lack of small talk, and leans her head on her hands, her elbows on her knees. "However I plan to study is not really the kind of thing I need to discuss with anyone."
"I know. But I'm here if you need to talk." Mrs. Taylor leaves the stupid notebook on the stands, next to her, and, playing with her pen on her thigh, adds, "Your mother's worried about you. She's worried about you not having the life that you deserve."
At that moment, Tyra's only thought is Are you serious? and she laughs instead of answering out loud, and looks at the horizon. Mentioning her mother is not the way to get to her, she thinks. The fucking sun is still as asphyxiating as always, even in December. Maybe even more so now that Christmas is so close.
"She's convinced that it wouldn't be a big problem for you to wait just six more months and be in your graduation and get some really fantastic grades," Mrs. Taylor goes on, and Tyra forces her to at least listen to her, though she is not looking. "I don't know what you've been telling her about your results, but it sure has made an impression." She sighs. "Tyra," and Tyra looks at her. That disgusting Texas sun hits her obliquely like a headache. "You shouldn't lie to your mother about this." Tyra chuckles and looks away again, and Mrs. Taylor corrects herself, "I mean - if you are so sure of everything, there is no reason to lie. She will supp-," but she thinks it over and rewrites, "she will let you do it. She will be disappointed, but she will support you not long after you tell her. I don't know your mother, but she seems to be a good woman."
"She is," Tyra replies, sarcastically, and she feels bad because it would be true but the tone makes it a lie and she doesn't need to lie about her mother, but she doesn't need to get her involved in this either, and that justifies whatever she may say.
The sun is setting when she arrives at the bar.
Her decision does not seem to be going to quiver any time soon.
II.
It's like group therapy. That's the way Lyla understands this, understands what Jason wants to do with them, with Tim - group therapy. Tell me your problems and I'll tell you mine, Tim calls it, that and The biggest waste of time I've seen in my life, although he doesn't say that to Jason's face. After kissing Lyla on the cheek, in front of him, he's more likely to swear --lie-- that he doesn't feel much and Lyla's not interested in him at all and Yeah, this helps a lot like he means it, because he wants to mean it. Lyla wonders if Jason knows that, how much he knows, exactly.
She doesn't ask, because she is not entitled to, not after what she's done; she smiles shyly at Jason, like there's an unstoppable fire in the other room and she's hoping for him not to notice until it has consumed the entire house and themselves and there is nothing that can be done about it.
Tim takes a sip of his beer, and Jason moves his wheelchair a little to the right. That way, he is facing both Lyla and Tim, instead of only Lyla. There is something about this position that feels like a trial or an interrogation but Lyla thinks that she deserves that and Tim does not really think about it when, actually, the only thing he wants is getting his best friend back, although he does not show much enthusiasm in this path to it.
"Kiss her on the lips," Jason says, and it is like a challenge, and Lyla has no idea if Jason wants Tim to do it or not to do it, but Tim takes this like group therapy and acts accordingly, kisses her.
It's soft, dry, and Lyla wonders if Jason knows that these kisses are cold and inhibited by his presence and do not mean anything to Tim because, at those moments, he is not kissing Lyla, he is doing mouth-to-mouth respiration to a mannequin.
Jason says goodbye to Lyla with a demonstration of affection for the first time since they started these meetings; it's just a soft touch of lips to lips, but Lyla takes it like an important improvement, smiles sweetly, caresses his cheek and whispers See you tomorrow. Tim takes Lyla home like he has been doing for the past two weeks, but this time, he does not let go of her arm when they arrive at her house. He holds her steady inside the car and she stays still when he slowly gets closer to her and kisses her again, this time with some sort of emotion that Lyla finds difficult to describe, does not want to believe that it is what she is thinking that it is, and she tries not to reply, not to kiss back, and learns that, if she has gotten anything out of what has happened, is the ability to put what is right over what seems right at the time.
Tim opens the door for her to exit and leans back against his seat.
"I can't not feel anything," he murmurs when Lyla has a leg out of the car. She stops for a second, but does not reply, and before she gets to the door, Tim and his truck are gone.
*
Lyla usually talks with Tim when he takes her home. Granted, a high percent of it is uncomfortable silence, and another lower percent is comfortable one, but they make the effort to keep a dialogue. They also have sort of a silent agreement that dictates for him not to ever shift his gaze towards her and for her not to ever criticize the way he acts towards Jason. A week and a half ago, they ran out of conversation topics and Tim brought up Tyra Collette and her plans to run away from Dillon and high school and everything else.
"Why does she want to do it now? Why can't she just get school over with and run away after that?" Lyla asked, not really concerned about Tyra yet, just confused about her reasons.
"Don't ask me, I would do the same."
Silence.
"Look, I have no idea what runs through that girl's mind. That's why we break up so many times, I don't get her at all."
"But why didn't she do it a year ago? Now there are only six months left and it just seems stupid to give up."
Silence.
"Maybe we could help her."
Tim stopped the car and looked at her. She looked outside - they had gotten to their destination - but if she got off the car, that meant Tim would avoid the subject forever, so she forced him to look at her by not moving.
"Really, maybe she just needs a push."
"Do you even like Tyra?"
Lyla considered answering the question, but finally decided against it. "Do you think she deserves a good life?"
"I guess," Tim replied, after a few seconds, and Lyla turned around to face him, leaning on her side on the back of the co-driver seat.
"Then we can help her," and thus got settled the convincing-Tyra-not-to-quit-school-before-it-is-due operation, shortened since to the Tyra issue or the Tyra thing.
Tim writes her lines. It is funny, the situation they have gotten themselves into, and those moments, those moments when they plan stuff? They are fun, friendly fun, and Lyla feels amazing about it, because that is what she wants with Tim, she wants to be her friend and him to be Jason's friend and everything to go back to the way it was. She is a horrible actress and finds it hard not to laugh at herself and say I'm sorry, let me repeat that when she talks to Tyra, because it is so not her, and it is so not the image that anyone in this town has of her, but they have a good purpose and a nice way of getting to it and she is convinced that they can cajole Tyra into graduating.
Or she is at first, because now, after talking to her for the third time, she has started to think that the girl really has everything well planned, and that this is too nosy even for a badly characterized version of herself.
*
A few days before Christmas break, Lyla finds Tyra in the parking lot leaning over her car's hood, maybe waiting for someone, maybe waiting for something, maybe just killing time. Lyla walks towards her and stops a few feet from her.
"Hey," she says, and Tyra moves her head slightly up for a moment as a sign of acknowledgement. "You know, I've been acting really nosy lately."
"Really?" Tyra asks, sarcastically, and laughs.
"Yeah, okay, just so you know, that wasn't me..."
"That was my evil twin sister."
"No, that wasn't my evil twin sister, that was Tim's way of making me get to you." Tyra sits up and smiles. Lyla is not sure of what that gesture means, but is rather certain it is nothing good.
"Oh, wow, that's interesting. Twisted. I like it."
Lyla sighs. "It is really not like that. I just wanted to help out, but I see you don't want that and have everything well planned and all, so I'll leave you alone. There's not much I can do at this stage of your decision, anyway, and you seem like you have everything under control, so."
"That's all?" Lyla shrugs. "No lectures on how easy it would be to just finish the only semester that's left and leaving after that?"
"I'm sure you've already heard that a thousand times, it's useless at this point," Lyla states, and she starts walking away.
"I'm glad you noticed." Lyla turns her head around, but does not stop walking.
"Yeah, me too."
*
It is really a decision that she should have asked Tim about, Lyla thinks, has thought a few times since she did it. Tim and she have not talked about it, and she has been taking for granted that Tim knows she has given up, but is not sure and does not dare to prove it. The group therapy and their car conversations get stuck over the last week before Christmas - there is not much to do about any of the problems other than waiting for Jason to digest them and choose whatever he thinks is best. Lyla has stopped pressuring him by his demand and Tim has stopped pressuring her because of her reaction, or lack thereof.
Jason suggests exchanging gifts for Christmas - not buyable ones, but details that mean something. It's really fucking girly, Tim comments when they get into his truck, and Lyla does not answer, she just looks front and wonders if Jason is using this as some sort of psychological proof. He has been reading a lot of books about therapy (Group therapy, just like I said. 'S all a huge lot of crap.) and psychoanalysis and human relationships and there is a lot of things that Lyla does not quite understand and another bunch of them that Lyla understands but finds amazingly twisted and confusing, manipulative and sort of perverse.
She mentions that while Jason is in the bathroom. She does not use those exact words, of course, because she loves Jason and does not want to enter Tim's brutal criticism (that he does not really mean, Lyla swears to herself) behind Jason's back game.
"I'm worried," she murmurs. Tim doesn't answer; he crosses his arms over the table, leans his chin on his forearms and looks at her sideways. "I'm worried I'm going to do something that those books say it's the wrong thing."
Tim sinks his head in the empty space between his arms and his chest, and looks at her from the corner of his left eye, between his bangs. "You won't. I will," he says, and adds, although it is difficult to understand with his mouth practically pasted to the inside of his arm, "I probably have already." He sits up and runs a hand through his hair, quickly. "I keep thinking I should either kiss you properly or not kiss you at all. When he asks."
There is silence for almost a minute; then Lyla says I know, which becomes a whisper at the end, and Jason comes back and suggests the gift thing and Lyla thinks of buying one of those books to cheat a little, but the ride home drinks that idea and leaves her brain almost completely dry.
III.
Tim doesn't go to Jason's house the last Saturday before Christmas, the day they're supposed to do the gift exchanging thing. It's really not about wanting to go or not, but about how he hasn't come up with anything to get them for that and he'd prefer to give Lyla the drawing that he has done of her in private, although he's starting to think of not giving it to her at all.
He gets as far as the street corner with his truck, but decides to go back at the sight of Lyla entering Jason's house. He spends the afternoon getting wasted and trying to leave his mind completely blank, like there's nothing to think about and nothing to consider and nothing to fix. Like Lyla thinks and considers and Jason fixes and he's just an obstacle and leaving his mind blank is definitely not working because he starts to feel like an asshole at eight or nine.
*
"I need to talk to Tim."
Lyla pays him a visit on Christmas Eve. She wakes Tim up; when he can open his eyes enough to see the clock, it's six in the morning. It's Billy who opens the door and has to move aside to preserve his well-being after saying Come on in and letting enough of a gap for her to pass. He hears their voices in the living-room.
"Thank you. Where's Tim?"
"Sleeping," Billy answers, moodily, and murmurs in a loud enough voice for Lyla and Tim to hear, "as I was before you burst in." He walks towards Tim's bedroom and shouts, "Tim! A lady wants to talk to you!" He waits for a moment and then says to Lyla, "If you'll excuse me," and goes back to his own bedroom.
Tim comes out when his brother disappears from his view and indicates Lyla to go to his room. His hair is more tangled than usual and he's only wearing boxers and a pair of unzipped jeans; he can see Lyla blush when she enters, although he doesn't really understand why. He puts on his sneakers while waiting for Lyla to say something, but she doesn't, so he starts the conversation.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Why didn't you come yesterday?"
"It's not an obligatory activity, you know."
"It is if you want to regain Jason's trust."
"Maybe I don't want to regain Jason's trust," Tim says, and it's so low it could pass as a whisper.
"But I do, Tim, it's important for me." Tim looks up at her.
"Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I haven't known that this is just revenge on us since the beginning of it?" For a moment, he's tempted to mention that he asked Jason to take her back, but that would just make him look like an idiot, so he doesn't. "Really, Lyla, can't you just see that I exist beyond that relationship of yours?"
She sighs and sits beside him on his bed; he doesn't look at her, but he knows she's looking at him. "Right now, the most important thing in my life is getting Jason to forgive me for what I did. For the mistake that I did. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but it's over. It's really over." Tim looks at her now. There's some sort of fear in her eyes and Tim wonders why, what she's thinking, why the hell she would be afraid of him. He wants to erase that fear, but doesn't know how to, and that makes him angry. He stands up.
"Do you seriously think it's over?" he shouts after a moment, and Lyla stands up too, ready to give up and go, but Tim holds her arm when she's a foot away from the door and kisses her more roughly that he has ever kissed anyone in his life. And it shouldn't be like this, because he has feelings for her, but he feels it this way and he acts this way and there's no thinking in between.
He kisses her before noticing that he has just waken up and hasn't brushed his teeth, but she doesn't seem to care; he covers her face with his hands and takes her kissing back as permission to pin her to the door, a way to close it that doesn't mean moving away. Her mouth tastes like coffee and toothpaste and things that he has felt before. His hands hold her wrists as he presses himself against her and she bucks her hips against his, her breath coming out in short, irregular gasps.
He licks her jaw, openmouthed, and leaves a trail of kisses from her chin to her ear, where he starts to nibble.
"Do you seriously think it's over?" he repeats, breathlessly, and she moans and puts a leg around his legs, pulling him even closer to her. Her head falls back against the door and he slides his right hand behind her back, her butt, and holds her thigh as his other hand grabs her leg so he can take her to his bed.
*
The problem with being in love with Lyla lies in the fact that she's probably in love with someone else. Someone else whose name is Jason Street and to whom Tim shouldn't be doing this, because he has been his freaking best friend for years and you don't fuck your best friend's girlfriend, ever. It's not a stupid girly rule, it's the basics of a friendship.
Tim tells himself that maybe Lyla loves him back, that maybe, only maybe, she doesn't really love Jason. Then he gets avoided for a week and called a mistake, a double mistake, in the middle of a crowded school corridor, like Lyla thinks he's going to try something again, and it's difficult to keep your hopes up like this.
Maybe he deserves this, everything bad that's happening to him, for messing with his best friend's life. Maybe he deserves Lyla begging him to keep this second mistake as a secret, to let her get Jason back.
"I love Jason. I'm sorry, but I do," Lyla says, and Tim gives up a little.
Author: cherryroad
Fandom: Friday Night Lights
Pairings/Characters: Tim/Lyla, Jason/Lyla, Tyra.
Length: 4560 words.
Rating: Soft R.
Spoilers/Continuity: Set after 1x10, before 1x11. I don't know anything about Tyra's mother, who, with my luck, will probably be completely different in the show.
Notes: This is my first FNL fic, and I'm posting it to get it out of my mind and get some constructive criticism - I guess I shouldn't be saying that I don't like it all that much, but I really don't (I think it's all the stupid plot's fault), so you can be honest with me so I learn for my next FNL story. The first two parts are betaed by riggins_girl, thank you.
I.
It's not that Tyra has never done what Tim has at almost his same level - she did cheat on him with Jason, sort of, even if they only made out, but that was because they were younger and she was unsure about sex with anyone but Tim and that part of their relationship went on unaltered, he still was her first and only and they were going through their third break-up in four months and it was not unexpected. And then they cheated on each other, and did not cheat on each other, and no one knew when it was one and when it was another.
That is the problem with Lyla - people have expectations of her. People have really high expectations of her, which Tyra supposes is a big pressure, but she's pretty sure it has never affected Lyla, because she has always met them without difficulty, and even been ahead of them at some points. She has dug her own grave, in a way, by doing that - if she had not been such a good girl, if she had not spent days and days in the hospital, everyone would be silent now. Tyra would be silent now.
The thing is, Tyra does not blame Lyla. She doesn't know whether she should or not, but she knows Tim. And she thinks that Tim is the kind of person who would do something like that, something like sleeping with his best friend's girlfriend, just like he has ignored his best friend's problems for weeks. Everyone thinks that Tim is that kind of person. That is why no one ever calls him names - that, and their fear of getting their heads broken.
See, this is one of the things that Tyra hates about Dillon and high school and high school in Dillon - there is you and there is me and I know if I can mess with you and how, because I have known you since forever and that means that I could write your next conversation and no one would notice it's not you talking. Or maybe I have not known you since forever, but there has been someone who has told me what to think of you. That is Lyla's problem.
When Tyra figures out that Tim --who many people call Tyra's Tim, or Riggs or the young Riggins boy or that alcoholic kid, although Tyra's Tim is the only one that's not accurate at all-- is in love with Lyla, Tyra does not envy Lyla's position. In fact, she feels happy about having goals that only depend on her and about finally finding a reason to make the definite break-up, the break-up of all break-ups.
Four days later, Tyra opens her locker to find a twenty-page study plan signed by "Lyla Garrity, your savior" and with a postscript that reads
"An early Christmas gift."
and makes her think what the fuck fifty times on her way to work.
That is the problem with Tyra - no one has expectations of her but herself, and that's the way it's supposed to be, and it is not in the spirit of assumptions to rebel.
*
If Tyra finds herself standing on the doorway of Lyla Garrity's house at the beginning of December, it's definitely not because she is the slightest bit interested in Lyla's intentions, but because she is interested in Lyla to know her own.
Lyla's dad opens the door and looks at her like he has just seen a ghost. Tyra expects him to say something, like "Are you looking for Lyla?", because, well, she does look her age, sort of, and that's the kind of thing parents say when someone who looks like they're their daughter's age knocks on the door. Buddy Garrity, however, stays quiet, a hand on the doorknob and his eyes on her neck.
"Hey, is Lyla here?"
Tyra shakes her head because that's more polite than waving in front of a fifty-year-old's face, and Buddy Garrity goes inside, leaving the door slightly open. Tyra hears him call Lyla, There's a girl at the door asking for you! and say to his wife, She's blonde.
"A blonde girl? Is she a cheerleader?" her wife answers.
"I think she's a waitress."
Tyra's close to craftily sticking her head out through the gap of the door when Lyla jumps in the hallway and out of the house, pulling Tyra's arm with her until they're between the street sidewalk and Lyla's house's front lawn.
"What the hell was that about?"
"What was what about?" Lyla not-answers, moving her ponytail like a five-year-old.
"Everything!" Lyla asks her to specify with a gesture, or lack thereof. "Well, for one, no one's father looks at someone like yours just looked at me."
"Oh. That." She's obviously disappointed. "He's not used to seeing girls without the cheerleading uniform at the door."
There are barely ten seconds of silence before Lyla gets ahold of Tyra's arm again and starts walking, too quickly for Tyra to react, without any apparent direction. Tyra is certain that Lyla is not stupid enough not to notice that Tyra has no idea what she is doing. "Stop," Tyra says, and they stop. Lyla looks at her. "What is this whole study-plan thing about?"
"You don't seem to be doing well in school. I thought I'd help."
See, that is one of the things that Tyra hates about Lyla and good girls in general - there are no undertones in their good actions. Lyla could say I have nothing better to do, anyway or This will distract me from my problems or I'm taking you down with me, or act like she is thinking it, but Tyra knows that Lyla is being honest and she feels like a horrible person in comparison, but she does not need this, she does not need to waste Lyla's time, and that is as good a excuse as any.
She disentangles their arms and runs a hand through her hair.
"I don't need any help. None at all. I'm going away. Far away. I don't do stupid tutoring things. I'll be gone," and she enjoys the sound of that word like no other, "next semester."
"You're not gonna finish high school?"
Tyra chuckles. "Did you think I was gonna do it?"
"My study plan? No. But yes, I thought you'd at least graduate. It doesn't seem right for anyone in our grade not to."
"It seems perfectly fine for me." Tyra turns her head to look at the sun, her hand avoiding direct contact with her eyes, and turns back to Lyla. "I have to go. I have a job."
Tyra turns her back on Lyla and starts walking.
*
On Friday, Tyra gets sent to table four at Applebee's and finds Lyla looking up at her. That is not surprising - the pile of papers on the table is. She uncovers her pen and waits for Lyla to say something. Lyla looks around like she's doing an inspection on the bar, and she probably is, somehow. "I had never noticed how bad your job is."
The thing with this new Lyla is that Tyra never knows what the hell she's supposed to answer. "Are you gonna order?"
"Not really."
"Then you have to go."
Lyla smiles sweetly, stands up, and walks out. Tyra observes from the picture window how Lyla gets into Tim's truck and shrugs. They talk before Tim turns on the engine and they disappear into the sandy air of Dillon.
*
Mrs. Taylor arranges a little meeting with Tyra for the following Wednesday; Tyra knocks on her door and is greeted by Mrs. Taylor, notebook in hand and her bag hanging off her shoulder. "I thought we could maybe talk about this outside. The wind will do us good."
Tyra's going to ask What wind?, but instead follows Mrs. Taylor to the school grounds and the football pitch. They don't talk until they sit on the bleachers, and even there, they take a minute to look at the boys training before Mrs. Taylor lets her notebook rest on her thighs and looks at her. "How do you plan to study for the GED, Tyra?"
Tyra looks at her, amazed at the lack of small talk, and leans her head on her hands, her elbows on her knees. "However I plan to study is not really the kind of thing I need to discuss with anyone."
"I know. But I'm here if you need to talk." Mrs. Taylor leaves the stupid notebook on the stands, next to her, and, playing with her pen on her thigh, adds, "Your mother's worried about you. She's worried about you not having the life that you deserve."
At that moment, Tyra's only thought is Are you serious? and she laughs instead of answering out loud, and looks at the horizon. Mentioning her mother is not the way to get to her, she thinks. The fucking sun is still as asphyxiating as always, even in December. Maybe even more so now that Christmas is so close.
"She's convinced that it wouldn't be a big problem for you to wait just six more months and be in your graduation and get some really fantastic grades," Mrs. Taylor goes on, and Tyra forces her to at least listen to her, though she is not looking. "I don't know what you've been telling her about your results, but it sure has made an impression." She sighs. "Tyra," and Tyra looks at her. That disgusting Texas sun hits her obliquely like a headache. "You shouldn't lie to your mother about this." Tyra chuckles and looks away again, and Mrs. Taylor corrects herself, "I mean - if you are so sure of everything, there is no reason to lie. She will supp-," but she thinks it over and rewrites, "she will let you do it. She will be disappointed, but she will support you not long after you tell her. I don't know your mother, but she seems to be a good woman."
"She is," Tyra replies, sarcastically, and she feels bad because it would be true but the tone makes it a lie and she doesn't need to lie about her mother, but she doesn't need to get her involved in this either, and that justifies whatever she may say.
The sun is setting when she arrives at the bar.
Her decision does not seem to be going to quiver any time soon.
II.
It's like group therapy. That's the way Lyla understands this, understands what Jason wants to do with them, with Tim - group therapy. Tell me your problems and I'll tell you mine, Tim calls it, that and The biggest waste of time I've seen in my life, although he doesn't say that to Jason's face. After kissing Lyla on the cheek, in front of him, he's more likely to swear --lie-- that he doesn't feel much and Lyla's not interested in him at all and Yeah, this helps a lot like he means it, because he wants to mean it. Lyla wonders if Jason knows that, how much he knows, exactly.
She doesn't ask, because she is not entitled to, not after what she's done; she smiles shyly at Jason, like there's an unstoppable fire in the other room and she's hoping for him not to notice until it has consumed the entire house and themselves and there is nothing that can be done about it.
Tim takes a sip of his beer, and Jason moves his wheelchair a little to the right. That way, he is facing both Lyla and Tim, instead of only Lyla. There is something about this position that feels like a trial or an interrogation but Lyla thinks that she deserves that and Tim does not really think about it when, actually, the only thing he wants is getting his best friend back, although he does not show much enthusiasm in this path to it.
"Kiss her on the lips," Jason says, and it is like a challenge, and Lyla has no idea if Jason wants Tim to do it or not to do it, but Tim takes this like group therapy and acts accordingly, kisses her.
It's soft, dry, and Lyla wonders if Jason knows that these kisses are cold and inhibited by his presence and do not mean anything to Tim because, at those moments, he is not kissing Lyla, he is doing mouth-to-mouth respiration to a mannequin.
Jason says goodbye to Lyla with a demonstration of affection for the first time since they started these meetings; it's just a soft touch of lips to lips, but Lyla takes it like an important improvement, smiles sweetly, caresses his cheek and whispers See you tomorrow. Tim takes Lyla home like he has been doing for the past two weeks, but this time, he does not let go of her arm when they arrive at her house. He holds her steady inside the car and she stays still when he slowly gets closer to her and kisses her again, this time with some sort of emotion that Lyla finds difficult to describe, does not want to believe that it is what she is thinking that it is, and she tries not to reply, not to kiss back, and learns that, if she has gotten anything out of what has happened, is the ability to put what is right over what seems right at the time.
Tim opens the door for her to exit and leans back against his seat.
"I can't not feel anything," he murmurs when Lyla has a leg out of the car. She stops for a second, but does not reply, and before she gets to the door, Tim and his truck are gone.
*
Lyla usually talks with Tim when he takes her home. Granted, a high percent of it is uncomfortable silence, and another lower percent is comfortable one, but they make the effort to keep a dialogue. They also have sort of a silent agreement that dictates for him not to ever shift his gaze towards her and for her not to ever criticize the way he acts towards Jason. A week and a half ago, they ran out of conversation topics and Tim brought up Tyra Collette and her plans to run away from Dillon and high school and everything else.
"Why does she want to do it now? Why can't she just get school over with and run away after that?" Lyla asked, not really concerned about Tyra yet, just confused about her reasons.
"Don't ask me, I would do the same."
Silence.
"Look, I have no idea what runs through that girl's mind. That's why we break up so many times, I don't get her at all."
"But why didn't she do it a year ago? Now there are only six months left and it just seems stupid to give up."
Silence.
"Maybe we could help her."
Tim stopped the car and looked at her. She looked outside - they had gotten to their destination - but if she got off the car, that meant Tim would avoid the subject forever, so she forced him to look at her by not moving.
"Really, maybe she just needs a push."
"Do you even like Tyra?"
Lyla considered answering the question, but finally decided against it. "Do you think she deserves a good life?"
"I guess," Tim replied, after a few seconds, and Lyla turned around to face him, leaning on her side on the back of the co-driver seat.
"Then we can help her," and thus got settled the convincing-Tyra-not-to-quit-school-before-it-is-due operation, shortened since to the Tyra issue or the Tyra thing.
Tim writes her lines. It is funny, the situation they have gotten themselves into, and those moments, those moments when they plan stuff? They are fun, friendly fun, and Lyla feels amazing about it, because that is what she wants with Tim, she wants to be her friend and him to be Jason's friend and everything to go back to the way it was. She is a horrible actress and finds it hard not to laugh at herself and say I'm sorry, let me repeat that when she talks to Tyra, because it is so not her, and it is so not the image that anyone in this town has of her, but they have a good purpose and a nice way of getting to it and she is convinced that they can cajole Tyra into graduating.
Or she is at first, because now, after talking to her for the third time, she has started to think that the girl really has everything well planned, and that this is too nosy even for a badly characterized version of herself.
*
A few days before Christmas break, Lyla finds Tyra in the parking lot leaning over her car's hood, maybe waiting for someone, maybe waiting for something, maybe just killing time. Lyla walks towards her and stops a few feet from her.
"Hey," she says, and Tyra moves her head slightly up for a moment as a sign of acknowledgement. "You know, I've been acting really nosy lately."
"Really?" Tyra asks, sarcastically, and laughs.
"Yeah, okay, just so you know, that wasn't me..."
"That was my evil twin sister."
"No, that wasn't my evil twin sister, that was Tim's way of making me get to you." Tyra sits up and smiles. Lyla is not sure of what that gesture means, but is rather certain it is nothing good.
"Oh, wow, that's interesting. Twisted. I like it."
Lyla sighs. "It is really not like that. I just wanted to help out, but I see you don't want that and have everything well planned and all, so I'll leave you alone. There's not much I can do at this stage of your decision, anyway, and you seem like you have everything under control, so."
"That's all?" Lyla shrugs. "No lectures on how easy it would be to just finish the only semester that's left and leaving after that?"
"I'm sure you've already heard that a thousand times, it's useless at this point," Lyla states, and she starts walking away.
"I'm glad you noticed." Lyla turns her head around, but does not stop walking.
"Yeah, me too."
*
It is really a decision that she should have asked Tim about, Lyla thinks, has thought a few times since she did it. Tim and she have not talked about it, and she has been taking for granted that Tim knows she has given up, but is not sure and does not dare to prove it. The group therapy and their car conversations get stuck over the last week before Christmas - there is not much to do about any of the problems other than waiting for Jason to digest them and choose whatever he thinks is best. Lyla has stopped pressuring him by his demand and Tim has stopped pressuring her because of her reaction, or lack thereof.
Jason suggests exchanging gifts for Christmas - not buyable ones, but details that mean something. It's really fucking girly, Tim comments when they get into his truck, and Lyla does not answer, she just looks front and wonders if Jason is using this as some sort of psychological proof. He has been reading a lot of books about therapy (Group therapy, just like I said. 'S all a huge lot of crap.) and psychoanalysis and human relationships and there is a lot of things that Lyla does not quite understand and another bunch of them that Lyla understands but finds amazingly twisted and confusing, manipulative and sort of perverse.
She mentions that while Jason is in the bathroom. She does not use those exact words, of course, because she loves Jason and does not want to enter Tim's brutal criticism (that he does not really mean, Lyla swears to herself) behind Jason's back game.
"I'm worried," she murmurs. Tim doesn't answer; he crosses his arms over the table, leans his chin on his forearms and looks at her sideways. "I'm worried I'm going to do something that those books say it's the wrong thing."
Tim sinks his head in the empty space between his arms and his chest, and looks at her from the corner of his left eye, between his bangs. "You won't. I will," he says, and adds, although it is difficult to understand with his mouth practically pasted to the inside of his arm, "I probably have already." He sits up and runs a hand through his hair, quickly. "I keep thinking I should either kiss you properly or not kiss you at all. When he asks."
There is silence for almost a minute; then Lyla says I know, which becomes a whisper at the end, and Jason comes back and suggests the gift thing and Lyla thinks of buying one of those books to cheat a little, but the ride home drinks that idea and leaves her brain almost completely dry.
III.
Tim doesn't go to Jason's house the last Saturday before Christmas, the day they're supposed to do the gift exchanging thing. It's really not about wanting to go or not, but about how he hasn't come up with anything to get them for that and he'd prefer to give Lyla the drawing that he has done of her in private, although he's starting to think of not giving it to her at all.
He gets as far as the street corner with his truck, but decides to go back at the sight of Lyla entering Jason's house. He spends the afternoon getting wasted and trying to leave his mind completely blank, like there's nothing to think about and nothing to consider and nothing to fix. Like Lyla thinks and considers and Jason fixes and he's just an obstacle and leaving his mind blank is definitely not working because he starts to feel like an asshole at eight or nine.
*
"I need to talk to Tim."
Lyla pays him a visit on Christmas Eve. She wakes Tim up; when he can open his eyes enough to see the clock, it's six in the morning. It's Billy who opens the door and has to move aside to preserve his well-being after saying Come on in and letting enough of a gap for her to pass. He hears their voices in the living-room.
"Thank you. Where's Tim?"
"Sleeping," Billy answers, moodily, and murmurs in a loud enough voice for Lyla and Tim to hear, "as I was before you burst in." He walks towards Tim's bedroom and shouts, "Tim! A lady wants to talk to you!" He waits for a moment and then says to Lyla, "If you'll excuse me," and goes back to his own bedroom.
Tim comes out when his brother disappears from his view and indicates Lyla to go to his room. His hair is more tangled than usual and he's only wearing boxers and a pair of unzipped jeans; he can see Lyla blush when she enters, although he doesn't really understand why. He puts on his sneakers while waiting for Lyla to say something, but she doesn't, so he starts the conversation.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Why didn't you come yesterday?"
"It's not an obligatory activity, you know."
"It is if you want to regain Jason's trust."
"Maybe I don't want to regain Jason's trust," Tim says, and it's so low it could pass as a whisper.
"But I do, Tim, it's important for me." Tim looks up at her.
"Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I haven't known that this is just revenge on us since the beginning of it?" For a moment, he's tempted to mention that he asked Jason to take her back, but that would just make him look like an idiot, so he doesn't. "Really, Lyla, can't you just see that I exist beyond that relationship of yours?"
She sighs and sits beside him on his bed; he doesn't look at her, but he knows she's looking at him. "Right now, the most important thing in my life is getting Jason to forgive me for what I did. For the mistake that I did. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done what I did, but it's over. It's really over." Tim looks at her now. There's some sort of fear in her eyes and Tim wonders why, what she's thinking, why the hell she would be afraid of him. He wants to erase that fear, but doesn't know how to, and that makes him angry. He stands up.
"Do you seriously think it's over?" he shouts after a moment, and Lyla stands up too, ready to give up and go, but Tim holds her arm when she's a foot away from the door and kisses her more roughly that he has ever kissed anyone in his life. And it shouldn't be like this, because he has feelings for her, but he feels it this way and he acts this way and there's no thinking in between.
He kisses her before noticing that he has just waken up and hasn't brushed his teeth, but she doesn't seem to care; he covers her face with his hands and takes her kissing back as permission to pin her to the door, a way to close it that doesn't mean moving away. Her mouth tastes like coffee and toothpaste and things that he has felt before. His hands hold her wrists as he presses himself against her and she bucks her hips against his, her breath coming out in short, irregular gasps.
He licks her jaw, openmouthed, and leaves a trail of kisses from her chin to her ear, where he starts to nibble.
"Do you seriously think it's over?" he repeats, breathlessly, and she moans and puts a leg around his legs, pulling him even closer to her. Her head falls back against the door and he slides his right hand behind her back, her butt, and holds her thigh as his other hand grabs her leg so he can take her to his bed.
*
The problem with being in love with Lyla lies in the fact that she's probably in love with someone else. Someone else whose name is Jason Street and to whom Tim shouldn't be doing this, because he has been his freaking best friend for years and you don't fuck your best friend's girlfriend, ever. It's not a stupid girly rule, it's the basics of a friendship.
Tim tells himself that maybe Lyla loves him back, that maybe, only maybe, she doesn't really love Jason. Then he gets avoided for a week and called a mistake, a double mistake, in the middle of a crowded school corridor, like Lyla thinks he's going to try something again, and it's difficult to keep your hopes up like this.
Maybe he deserves this, everything bad that's happening to him, for messing with his best friend's life. Maybe he deserves Lyla begging him to keep this second mistake as a secret, to let her get Jason back.
"I love Jason. I'm sorry, but I do," Lyla says, and Tim gives up a little.