1 step forward, 2 back.
my "happy" streak is over. or at the very least, stalled. and i hate writing like this, because i hate reading this shit when others on lj have their own pity parties. nothing is more unattractive. oh well...
(and no offense, because i know we all have our moments, that's what journaling is about. i've had my more than my fair share of breakdowns in the past!)
i'm just existing these days. i find it hard to leave the house. so much so that i've been going 2 days between showers. it's totally gross. even now i've gotten my shower stuff all ready to go. even waited till dark so i'm not seen, but i'm still stalling. my house is still a mess. my arms are totally breaking out. and i've gotten 3 bad rashes. really bad. i've itched my skin till it bleeds and it's inflamed and swollen. i need to break down and buy some gold bond ointment, i guess, but i can't imagine going into a crowded walmart. plus, i'm redic cheap and that stuff's expensive. (btw, the skin stuff happened before my recent lack of hygeine). i'm failing on the exercise front after doing so well.
other than the facts i've just mentioned, i don't know what else to say. i don't even know what i'm feeling. it doesn't feel like depression, i'm not sad. and i don't quite feel empty, because i'm not yearning for anything. i just feel shut off, if that makes sense. everyday that passes i tell myself "tomorrow you're going to do better".
i feel like i'm letting myself and Mel down about the moving thing. maybe i'm punishing myself. i so want to get out of here, but it's not going to be as easy as i thought.
(and no offense, because i know we all have our moments, that's what journaling is about. i've had my more than my fair share of breakdowns in the past!)
i'm just existing these days. i find it hard to leave the house. so much so that i've been going 2 days between showers. it's totally gross. even now i've gotten my shower stuff all ready to go. even waited till dark so i'm not seen, but i'm still stalling. my house is still a mess. my arms are totally breaking out. and i've gotten 3 bad rashes. really bad. i've itched my skin till it bleeds and it's inflamed and swollen. i need to break down and buy some gold bond ointment, i guess, but i can't imagine going into a crowded walmart. plus, i'm redic cheap and that stuff's expensive. (btw, the skin stuff happened before my recent lack of hygeine). i'm failing on the exercise front after doing so well.
other than the facts i've just mentioned, i don't know what else to say. i don't even know what i'm feeling. it doesn't feel like depression, i'm not sad. and i don't quite feel empty, because i'm not yearning for anything. i just feel shut off, if that makes sense. everyday that passes i tell myself "tomorrow you're going to do better".
i feel like i'm letting myself and Mel down about the moving thing. maybe i'm punishing myself. i so want to get out of here, but it's not going to be as easy as i thought.