Meh
I really don't feel like myself... I'd prefer to stay home by myself then go out with people... I feel forgotten.... alone... awkward... and not me... hanging out with people isn't fixing it... I'm a needy person... I must know I'm needed or wanted and not just the last one on the totem pole...
And I know this is stupid but this all stemmed off of one thing and just has snowballed into this bigger mess... I'd hate to ever give her this gratification but her hatred towards me really just started this all. At first it made me second guess myself and hold back because there had to be a reason, I wouldn't want to make it worse...
But there is no reason, how could someone dislike me so much for no reason at all? Someone told me it was jealousy... or that I was two faced but still I've never done anything to her. I was actually being nice. Usually if someone hates me this much, they have a reason and chances are I can brush it off or make it better but I can't this time...
I'm second guessing my friendships and putting them to the test to see if I really have friends... which I shouldn't do because it's not fair to them and it'll only put me down in the end... like "hey Brianna, is something wrong you don't seem like yourself?" is all I wanted and the people to actually notice are not the ones I expected to say anything... and it's been only two people... that's better than none... and I don't want to talk to anyone, I tried and it gets turned back on me as I'm wrong and how does this effect you personally?
I feel like I've lost everything... my friends mean the world to me... and I'm nothing to them... It's making me second guess them... I feel like I'm being lied to... and now that I'm not out there... I wasn't that important to begin with to be dropped just... like.. that.
I was sad at first but now I'm just getting angry/sad why would you ignore me more? It'll just make it worse. I'm already questioning my worth and your not helping... and stepping in now feels useless... the whole "you can always talk to me" but I can't. I wish people meant it and didn't just say it to be nice.
Another thing that is bothering me is how this summer has revolved around drinking... It's fun but it's not an every hang out thing... The best memories... I've been sober for... alcohol changes things up but it doesn't make it better... or any substance for that case... Everyone is addicted it feels... as excited I am to turn 21 at the same time I don't care... drinking is an occasional thing... and once it's legal it will be an all the time thing
I feel different from everyone else... I may need new people to hang out with... people who are willing to have fun and are able to just hang out and have a conversation and give me an art talk fix... even if they don't know anything about it... just to be open to the idea... open to all new ideas for that matter... to make me not feel like the mature one... because I'm not.... or belittle me because it's easy or it's just me and I'll always be there...
I won't always be here... appreciate the time we have together... I want to live everyday as it would be my last (and learn like I'm going to live forever).... and right now... I'd be pretty bummed if this was my last...
New summer objective: draw/paint lots, clean lots and work lots.
And I know this is stupid but this all stemmed off of one thing and just has snowballed into this bigger mess... I'd hate to ever give her this gratification but her hatred towards me really just started this all. At first it made me second guess myself and hold back because there had to be a reason, I wouldn't want to make it worse...
But there is no reason, how could someone dislike me so much for no reason at all? Someone told me it was jealousy... or that I was two faced but still I've never done anything to her. I was actually being nice. Usually if someone hates me this much, they have a reason and chances are I can brush it off or make it better but I can't this time...
I'm second guessing my friendships and putting them to the test to see if I really have friends... which I shouldn't do because it's not fair to them and it'll only put me down in the end... like "hey Brianna, is something wrong you don't seem like yourself?" is all I wanted and the people to actually notice are not the ones I expected to say anything... and it's been only two people... that's better than none... and I don't want to talk to anyone, I tried and it gets turned back on me as I'm wrong and how does this effect you personally?
I feel like I've lost everything... my friends mean the world to me... and I'm nothing to them... It's making me second guess them... I feel like I'm being lied to... and now that I'm not out there... I wasn't that important to begin with to be dropped just... like.. that.
I was sad at first but now I'm just getting angry/sad why would you ignore me more? It'll just make it worse. I'm already questioning my worth and your not helping... and stepping in now feels useless... the whole "you can always talk to me" but I can't. I wish people meant it and didn't just say it to be nice.
Another thing that is bothering me is how this summer has revolved around drinking... It's fun but it's not an every hang out thing... The best memories... I've been sober for... alcohol changes things up but it doesn't make it better... or any substance for that case... Everyone is addicted it feels... as excited I am to turn 21 at the same time I don't care... drinking is an occasional thing... and once it's legal it will be an all the time thing
I feel different from everyone else... I may need new people to hang out with... people who are willing to have fun and are able to just hang out and have a conversation and give me an art talk fix... even if they don't know anything about it... just to be open to the idea... open to all new ideas for that matter... to make me not feel like the mature one... because I'm not.... or belittle me because it's easy or it's just me and I'll always be there...
I won't always be here... appreciate the time we have together... I want to live everyday as it would be my last (and learn like I'm going to live forever).... and right now... I'd be pretty bummed if this was my last...
New summer objective: draw/paint lots, clean lots and work lots.