A plethora of disgust has blessed my table...
So, I recieved an email from Troy University email system today, informing me that, because I am not a registered student this semester, I will be cut from the email listing on 2-22-05. Being cut from email access of TSU email doesn't break my heart... but, the mere fact of being reminded of my "un-student" status. that hit pretty hard.
And yeah, I was supposed to graduate this semester with a degree in psychology, a minor in HR. That doesn't even get to me. I have time to graduate later.
The fact is, I am angry with myself for becoming almost non-existant. My current daily routine... I cook, clean-up my mom's house (or attempt to), I walk Pavlov around the neighborhood (weather permitting), I smoke alot of cigs, I journal, I make cookbooks, I watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Full House marathons, I try to find something else to clean.... I do read and write alot, but I have little inspiration. I am in Opp AL for what seems like ever. I have very little interaction with anyone, except for the occasional excursions to Adam's house...
I wasted away, and now I am suffering the terms of my illness. Isolation. I pushed people away, or at least tried my hardest to. And now, I am reaping the rewards...
The atmosphere in my home is no better of an influence than the North Carolina situation. My mom is bitter at the world, which results in just a very ugly attitude from her. My stepdad refuses to take his medications and tends to take out his rage on me. My granny is my support unit in the house, but she is too sick to be carrying on my issues.
I am honestly not meaning to whine and moan about my homelife... it could be much worse. I just, I need a break. A vent. I need a vacation from what was supposed to be a "less stressed" environment.
And, the problem always comes back to me. I was so manipulative in the worst parts of my sickness... and, that is all any of my family seems to focus on right now. I mean, with every bite of food I take, I am just in awe of how I have progressed so quickly. I can put down some salad, and I actually enjoy preparing and sitting down for dinner... But, it doesn't even phase my mom. She is so focused on being in control, and being negative about everything, she cannot even share a meal with me without some sort of argument. It really builds a resentment in me towards her.
These have just been a rough couple of weeks. I am so used to living on my own, and... being packed into a house with this cast from hell just... does not seem beneficial to me.
I do have a great source of encouragement from my friends.
Blake has been very supportive and, interested in my well-being and, just life in general. He calls, at what always seems the right time, and, he is just always there for me.
Adam and Matt have both been so good to me. It makes me feel a bit more human again to be around them both. From hearing them sing "I Just Want to Live" to, just enjoying a cig in the yard... there is a bond between the three of us. It really is beautiful. GOd, i treated them so bad, and they still are there for me.
THere is also everyone on the internet (which I am rarely on now)... Getting a random email or, something left on LJ just for a smile's sake. it helps.
And... Troy. Babe, you have been my main source of support and love. seeing your face light up when I just walk in the room... You let me know that I am appreciated. And, you, you give me reason for pushing myself. And, just seeing how much stronger this relationship has become, just over the past months... I am so in love with you babe.
Just, someone, remind me please that there is actually and existance outside of the walls of my house. I am losing memory of what it feels like to drive a car... get trashed at the movie theatre... or get trashed anywhere. Or just staying up all night watching Cowboy Bebop. or making wall collages. I mean. I just miss life.
Ok, I am tired of battling with this slow ass computer. Good night/morning, whichever you prefer it to be right now.
And yeah, I was supposed to graduate this semester with a degree in psychology, a minor in HR. That doesn't even get to me. I have time to graduate later.
The fact is, I am angry with myself for becoming almost non-existant. My current daily routine... I cook, clean-up my mom's house (or attempt to), I walk Pavlov around the neighborhood (weather permitting), I smoke alot of cigs, I journal, I make cookbooks, I watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Full House marathons, I try to find something else to clean.... I do read and write alot, but I have little inspiration. I am in Opp AL for what seems like ever. I have very little interaction with anyone, except for the occasional excursions to Adam's house...
I wasted away, and now I am suffering the terms of my illness. Isolation. I pushed people away, or at least tried my hardest to. And now, I am reaping the rewards...
The atmosphere in my home is no better of an influence than the North Carolina situation. My mom is bitter at the world, which results in just a very ugly attitude from her. My stepdad refuses to take his medications and tends to take out his rage on me. My granny is my support unit in the house, but she is too sick to be carrying on my issues.
I am honestly not meaning to whine and moan about my homelife... it could be much worse. I just, I need a break. A vent. I need a vacation from what was supposed to be a "less stressed" environment.
And, the problem always comes back to me. I was so manipulative in the worst parts of my sickness... and, that is all any of my family seems to focus on right now. I mean, with every bite of food I take, I am just in awe of how I have progressed so quickly. I can put down some salad, and I actually enjoy preparing and sitting down for dinner... But, it doesn't even phase my mom. She is so focused on being in control, and being negative about everything, she cannot even share a meal with me without some sort of argument. It really builds a resentment in me towards her.
These have just been a rough couple of weeks. I am so used to living on my own, and... being packed into a house with this cast from hell just... does not seem beneficial to me.
I do have a great source of encouragement from my friends.
Blake has been very supportive and, interested in my well-being and, just life in general. He calls, at what always seems the right time, and, he is just always there for me.
Adam and Matt have both been so good to me. It makes me feel a bit more human again to be around them both. From hearing them sing "I Just Want to Live" to, just enjoying a cig in the yard... there is a bond between the three of us. It really is beautiful. GOd, i treated them so bad, and they still are there for me.
THere is also everyone on the internet (which I am rarely on now)... Getting a random email or, something left on LJ just for a smile's sake. it helps.
And... Troy. Babe, you have been my main source of support and love. seeing your face light up when I just walk in the room... You let me know that I am appreciated. And, you, you give me reason for pushing myself. And, just seeing how much stronger this relationship has become, just over the past months... I am so in love with you babe.
Just, someone, remind me please that there is actually and existance outside of the walls of my house. I am losing memory of what it feels like to drive a car... get trashed at the movie theatre... or get trashed anywhere. Or just staying up all night watching Cowboy Bebop. or making wall collages. I mean. I just miss life.
Ok, I am tired of battling with this slow ass computer. Good night/morning, whichever you prefer it to be right now.