déjà vécu (part 2a)
1948.
Soojung is getting married.
It’s an arranged marriage, but it could be worse, she supposes. She knows him, somewhat, they’ve lived in the same neighborhood all their lives. They’ve played in the same fields, passed by each other in the school hallways, and she has to admit he’s grown up to be quite a handsome young man. She knows he's a good dancer because she'd seen him at school events, performances and even during physical education, but her mother tells her he’s got a more practical career option and is apprenticed to his father, the best potter in the village. She only hears good things about him, that he’s a little shy but sweet and genuinely kind, and is apparently very strong because his father’s made him collect firewood for his kiln for years.
It could be a lot worse, but it could be better, too. Because a lot of the things she hears about him she hears from her next-door neighbor Kyungri, and the reason why she knows about him as well as she does is because they used to be lovers. And Soojung knows that the only reason why they stopped being lovers is because Kyungri was arranged to marry someone else.
“Don’t overthink this, Soojung-ah.” Soojung was sitting at her neighbor’s kitchen table and Kyungri’s back was turned towards her as she was cooking something on the stove. “So we did see each other, and if I hadn’t gotten married then things might have turned out differently, but I did get married and soon you’re getting married too. Why does it have to mean anything now that Jongin and I were… you know…” Kyungri’s voice trails off as she reaches for the salt.
“I know you’re not together anymore, unni. You’re obviously married. With kids,” Soojung points out. “But just because you’re not together it doesn’t mean… Maybe I’m being too idealistic given our circumstances but I’d like to marry for love. And we may not be in love right now, yet, but I’m just hoping, eventually…”
“And you can be, Soojung,” Kyungri says firmly. “Eventually. You can. Please don’t tell me you’re afraid of marrying him because you think he’s still in love with me.”
The atmosphere grows quiet, and Kyungri sighs as she gets out two ceramic bowls. They were beautiful, glazed with celadon. Jongin’s father probably made them. “It’s not as ridiculous as you’re implying it to be, unni,” Soojung mumbles. “He was infatuated with you.”
Kyungri stays silent as she ladles kimchi jjigae into the bowls. Soojung doesn’t say that what she really feels is that she just doesn’t measure up to Kyungri, the perfect, quintessential housewife, only a year older than her and yet so much more competent at - well, everything. Aside from her sister, Soojung has looked up to Kyungri for as long as she’s lived next door, which was all her life. They were closer in age and Soojung had witnessed from a close proximity how Kyungri was always the smartest student in class, how she always appeared sweet and delicate and yet managed to beat up any boy who disturbed her, how she breezed through puberty and blossomed as a beautiful young woman, petite and curvy with doe eyes and silky hair. In comparison, Soojung feels like an overgrown child.
It’s no wonder, really, that almost every boy in the neighborhood has had a crush on Kyungri, and that Kim Jongin was in love with her for years. Is probably still in love with her.
“Look, Soojung, I honestly don’t know what he feels about me now,” Kyungri admits as she pushes the bowl in front of Soojung’s face. “But don’t let me get in the way of your relationship. Even if he… does have feelings for me, he’s reasonable. Regardless, I know he’ll try to make it work… and promise me you won’t compare yourself to me, promise me you’ll build a new relationship with him and that it’ll be you, you being yourself and no one else.”
“I promise,” Soojung says meekly in between sips of her soup. “Just… Do you think you can teach me how to cook?”
Even by the time their wedding came around, they haven't really spoken much to each other.
Soojung doesn't remember every single detail about that day. She remembers that it was kind of awkward between them, so in a way she was somehow grateful for the complicated wedding ceremony because at least it gave them something to focus on. She also remembers exchanging shy smiles with him countless times that day, which, at that time, was probably like their most preferred method of communication.
But what she remembers the most was when they danced.
Soojung was not a dancer by any means. But somehow, it was so easy to fall into step with Jongin as he gently guides her around his movements. His hand on the small of her back felt so steady, secure. And somehow that tells her that their marriage will be just fine, that he's dependable, that they'll be able to figure this out together.
So when they finish the dance, she takes the hand he offers her, intertwining their fingers. And when they smile at each other, it's less awkward and more reassuring. By the end of the night, Soojung tells herself that if she had to spend the rest of her life with one person, she probably wouldn't mind spending it with Jongin.
Despite the unavoidable initial awkwardness, Soojung finds that she likes living with Jongin.
He helps her make the bed every morning before he goes to his father’s workshop. He tolerates her cooking, which was still mediocre at best. He has three dogs and brings them over to their new house, and though they add to her chores they keep her company during the day when he’s at his father’s place. And besides, he helps with her chores whenever he is at home, which is honestly more than what she expects him to do.
He tells her not to do laundry by herself and to wait for him to get home so that he could help her, and it becomes something of a ritual for them to do laundry together. Soojung thinks there’s something incredibly sweet about a husband who helps her separate the lights and darks and always insists on carrying the heavy load of laundry.
He makes her lots of things, mugs and bowls and plates as well as little trinkets like a tiny ceramic rabbit and a ring engraved with their initials. He’s sweet and earnest and Soojung likes him a lot, and she really doesn’t mind being married to him.
She’s appreciative towards him and wants to be a better wife, wants to love and comfort and spoil him. She knows his little habits by now - learns that he likes sleeping past lunchtime, likes his coffee really sweet, doesn’t like wearing shirts inside the house (which still makes her blush if she’s being really honest). But she feels that she could do more, at least get better at cooking and cleaning and sewing, and that’s where Kyungri comes in.
Soojung could not be more grateful to Kyungri for guiding her through this maze of new adulthood, being basically a human version of How To Be a Housewife for Dummies. Still, she tries to get Kyungri out of the house before Jongin gets home.
Because her heart kind of drops a little whenever he looks at Kyungri with stars in his eyes, whenever he stutters out a shy “Hi, Kyungri-noona.” She doesn’t miss the subtle shift of Kyungri’s face either, the way it melts from its usual indifferent expression to one of affection. And maybe she’s overthinking, reading into the situation too much because of course they were still important to each other, and they probably found it a little odd and yet exhilarating at the same time to be around each other with the given circumstances. Soojung just can’t help but be a little left out, jealous, wanting to have a bigger piece of his heart than Kyungri did.
And she knows that he likes her okay, does his best to treat her well, but she feels like that’s done partly out of obligation, trying to do his part to make the marriage work. Somehow that’s not really enough for Soojung. She wants this to be more than just a working relationship. She wants love, because she’s never been in love before.
They kiss for the first time six months into their marriage.
Their development is pretty slow, especially if you take into account that Kyungri was pregnant about four months into her marriage. But Soojung is awkward and Jongin is shy and they never really discussed their physical boundaries, didn’t really know how to bring it up. Soojung does want to be physically intimate with him but she doesn’t know if it’s appropriate for her to say so.
One balmy Saturday afternoon, they pack up some food in a basket and take their dogs out for a walk, ending up on a grassy hilltop overlooking the village. They were sitting down and leaning against a tree, Jongin’s arm loosely draped around Soojung’s shoulders as she absent-mindedly feeds him kimbap. He threads her fingers through hers when she runs out of kimbap to give and she lets him, not really paying attention as she watches Jjangah and Monggu chase a butterfly. Jjanggu is getting really fat, she muses as the third poodle waddles up to his playmates. Don’t I feed them all the same thing..? Has he been taking food from Monggu?
“Hey, do you think Jjanggu’s too fat…” Soojung’s voice trails off as she turns to look at her husband. Jongin is looking at her with an unusual expression on his face; affectionate and contemplative, eyes warm and a tiny smile on his lips. “Uhh… Jongin-ah?”
And then Jongin suddenly leans over and pecks her on the lips. It was short and chaste, really not a big deal at all, but she was so taken aback that she jerks her head back and bangs it against the tree trunk. A vision of poise and grace. “Ow!”
“I’m sorry!” He backs off immediately, scooting further away from her. "I just -- I just thought that I -- I mean, we, you know -- "
Soojung bursts out laughing. "Jongin, it's okay," she says. "I was just surprised."
His expression shifts from apprehensive to relieved. "Okay," he says. Then, almost shyly, he adds, "I've wanted to do that for a while, actually."
His face is so earnest, so open. Soojung feels a little giddy. "Me too," she manages to say, and to prove her statement she leans forward and presses her lips back on to his. He froze in shock for approximately two seconds before parting his lips and pulling her close.
They slow-kiss and snuggle under that tree for hours, until the poodles have gotten tired of exploring the hill and the sky starts turning orange.
They become a lot more affectionate after that.
They start by exchanging quick hugs and kisses each time they part ways, and whenever they meet again. It was then that Soojung finds out that Jongin is naturally clingy, and likes randomly draping himself all over her when she’s cooking or reading on the couch or watering the plants. Sometimes, when Jongin gets especially clingy in the kitchen and Soojung gets distracted by him nosing along the line of her neck, they end up making out and burning the food. The first couple of times it happens Soojung frets about it, but then Jongin will say “Don’t worry about it”, pick her up and carry her to their bedroom.
The first time was awkward and painful, at least for Soojung, but it didn't take too long for them to get used to one another. Soon it became easy for them to express their affection through their bodies, and they become more comfortable with each other in general as well.
Saturday mornings then become devoted to lying in between the sheets until about eleven a.m., which is less romantic than it sounds in their case due to Jongin being asleep the whole time and Soojung wide-awake and trapped among his limbs. But Soojung finds that she is content being his personal body pillow, held in his arms like that, staring at his face for hours on end. He frowns in his sleep, sometimes, eyebrows furrowing and full lips forming a pout. Sometimes he'd tuck his own head under Soojung's chin, burrowing into her neck, while other times he'd pull her under his own chin and she'd curl into his chest. All while asleep.
And then when he'd awake at long last, they'd snuggle and kiss for another half hour or so before Soojung decides that she'd lost all feeling in her arms and legs and should get up to start preparing lunch. Jongin would protest and Soojung would struggle out of his grasp for about another fifteen minutes. Essentially, neither of them is usually out of bed before midday. But once Jongin is up with food in his system, he's very helpful with Soojung's chores and they get things done even with the extremely late start in the day.
Jongin is not naturally good with kids. Not exactly. Not with all kids. But he has two nieces and a nephew, and now the kids next door, and they all like him fine. The kids next door like him a little too much.
Kyungri is probably the most placid person Soojung has ever encountered in her life, and her husband Joonmyun is equally calm and mild-mannered. It is beyond Soojung how they could have twins that are not unlike a pair of firecrackers, unable to sit still for more than 0.3 seconds, with little to no understanding of the concept of inside voices.
Kyungri-unni barely spoke more than one sentence at a time until she was nine, Soojung thinks to herself as she watches Kyungri's three-year-old daughter, seated on Jongin's knee, babble animatedly. Baekyeon's speaking in whole paragraphs already, limited vocabulary and all. She smiles fondly at the little girl, pretty with almond-shaped eyes like Joonmyun's. Her mouth becomes rectangular when she laughs, or smiles widely, or shouts, and most of the time she is doing one or the other. Her twin brother Chanyoung is playing with the dogs, running around the living room with them and laughing boisterously. He has Kyungri's eyes, as large and round as Baekyeon's are small and oval, and plush lips also inherited from his mother.
"Nini hyung~" Chanyoung has suddenly decided that he didn't want his sister stealing all of Jongin's attention, and abandoned the dogs in favor of hugging Jongin's leg. Jongin smiles down at him fondly as he says, "Up, hyung, up."
There is a knock on the door just as Chanyoung settles down on Jongin's other knee, and Soojung goes over to open it. As she predicted, it was Kyungri. "I've come to take my kids back," she says brightly. "Though I have a feeling they won't want to come home."
"Yeah, well, they're currently attached to Jongin's knees." Soojung leads her to the living room where the twins are fighting for Jongin's attention by trying to out-talk one another. "Hey, kids, your mom's here."
"UMMMAAAA!!" Baekyeon shrieks, and Jongin winces. Chanyoung is completely immune.
"Kids, come here." The twins share a brief look, then immediately scramble off Jongin's knees and run to their mother. Her tone is amiable enough, but both kids know better than to test that. "We'd best get going."
"Umma, can we take Nini-oppa home with us, please?" Jongin chokes on his glass of water and Soojung tries to muffle her laughter, hiding behind him.
Kyungri is not surprised by this question. "I don't know, Baek, you'll have to ask Soojung-unni."
"You can't just take him from me, Baekyeon-ah," Soojung says after recovering herself, looping her arms around Jongin's neck and propping her chin on his shoulder. "Who's gonna keep me company here?"
Baekyeon thinks for a moment, then grabs her brother's arm. "I'll trade you Chanyoungie!" she says brightly, and Chanyoung squawks in indignation. "He can... he can... he can take care of the puppies! And he's, um... he's great at jumping on the bed! And also, he's, uh..." She wrinkles her nose as she tries to think of more. "Well, he's not much use at anything, really," she admits, and her brother gives her a shove. "But he's fun!" she concludes her little advertisement.
"You can't just trade people like that, Baek," Jongin chides gently. "We don't belong to anybody. Though, I suppose, Chanyoungie belongs to your umma." He tilts his head a little and pecks Soojung's cheek. "And I belong to your Soojung-unni."
Everything starts crumbling down one sunny Saturday morning.
Soojung thinks she hears a knock on the front door. She tries to get up but it isn’t easy when Jongin’s still asleep and holding on tight to her, whimpering when she tries to move away.
Finally, she manages to pry herself off him, get dressed and opens the front door to see Kyungri’s husband standing on the doorstep. “I’m sorry for the wait, Joonmyun-oppa,” she apologizes with a smile. “What can I do for you?”
“It’s okay, Soojung-ah. I assume Jongin’s still asleep?”
“Er, yeah. Please come in, oppa, I’ll wake him up for you.” She leads him to the kitchen and pours him a glass of cold water before going back into her bedroom.
"Jongin-ah." She takes out the pillow underneath his head and hits him with it. "Wake up."
He gives a little discontented grunt and pulls the covers over his head.
Soojung hits a little harder. "Yah, get up! Get up!"
Suddenly Jongin emerges from under all the blankets, grabs her arms and pulls her towards him. Startled, she topples on top of him and shrieks with laughter as he wraps his arms and legs around her and squeezes tight. "Jongin, stop," she gasps, a little breathless from laughing, as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. "Hey, stop. Joonmyun-oppa's here to see you."
Jongin stops nuzzling her neck. "Joonmyun-hyung?"
"Yeah."
"Why..? It's a Saturday morning..."
"Well, you would know if you got up. And it's not morning anymore." Soojung wrestles out of his grip and manages to drag him out of bed with her. "So get a move on."
Soojung leaves them to talk in the kitchen and does a couple of small chores around the house before returning to cook lunch. When she does, the two men are oddly silent, and she gives them a quizzical look. Joonmyun looks solemn, and Jongin looks... sad. "What's wrong?"
"Soojung, come here," Jongin says softly and she comes over to sit on his lap. "Joonmyun-hyung's just been telling me about the civil war."
An uneasy feeling stirs up in Soojung's gut.
"Things aren't looking good, so they're expanding the militia," Joonmyun continues. "They're looking in every village now, and they're requiring one man from each household."
"Soojung, you know what this means, right?" Soojung slumps weakly against him and nods.
The night before Jongin leaves, Soojung retreats to bed extremely early, before he gets home, and weeps alone in the darkness.
She's wanted to cry ever since she knew he was leaving but she's tried so hard to hold it in for his sake. She knows he must be scared, too, and the least she could do was put on a brave face. But she just needed to let it out so badly, all the anguish and fear and uneasy feeling of uncertainty, and the fact that he was leaving tomorrow brings all those feelings up to a climax.
She hopes to be done with her grieving by the time he comes home, but when he pokes his head around their bedroom door she's still curled up in fetal position with tears running down her face. She was in such a state she barely noticed his presence until he slips in under the sheets next to her, wraps an arm around her waist and gently wipes her tears away with his thumb. "Soojungie."
Soojung knows it's too late by now to pretend she's not crying. "Do you really have to leave?" she chokes out, turning to face him. Jongin responds by kissing her forehead, and eyelids when she closes her eyes. The tears are still coming but at least her breathing is even now.
"I love you." Her breathing hitches; she knows they're very fond of and extremely comfortable around one another by now, but neither of them had said those words out loud before. "I love you so much, Soojung-ah. I just want you to know that."
"I love you too," she whispers, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. "Please come back to me."
Jongin is quiet for a while. "I can't promise you that, but I will try."
"I know you will."
He slides one hand under the silk robe she has on and kisses the underside of her jaw. "Take care of the kids for me."
Soojung snorts. "I'm always the one taking care of them, anyway," she replies and feels him smile against her skin.
"Maybe you won't burn the food without me around to distract you." He slips the robe off her shoulders easily and eases her body underneath his.
"That's assuming I have someone to cook for."
He pauses and frowns. "Take good care of yourself, okay? Promise me. Don't forget to eat, stay warm, go out for a walk every once in a while..." His fingers dip between her thighs and Soojung finds it hard to concentrate on his words. "Take care of yourself."
"I will," she whispers, parting her legs. "Just... take care of me right now."
For the first time since they started living together, Jongin wakes up before Soojung does.
He gives himself time to hold her close and observe her beautiful, sleeping face, but he has to be gone by sunrise and he wants to be gone before she wakes up. Because he still hasn't figured out how to say goodbye, and if she starts to cry again he probably wouldn't be able to go.
He slips out of bed as stealthily as possible, and his heart starts to palpitate painfully when she whimpers and curls into the warm spot on the bed he had just vacated. He forces himself to get dressed and pack his bag before returning to her, kneeling by their bed. He lets himself stroke her hair and drop feather-light kisses on her face, down her neck and on her bare shoulders before checking the time and making himself move along. Somehow, he feels a little bad for leaving her to deal with the soiled sheets, but there was obviously nothing he can do about them now. He had just enough time for one more thing.
He finds some stationery and brings it out to the kitchen where there's light. There he writes a letter, and it's fairly quick because he already knows what he wants to write, has been running through the words in his head ever since he got the news from Joonmyun. He finishes writing and folds it up into an envelope. Then, because he doesn't want her to read that one just yet, he writes a second note. Short and sweet, just saying that he loves her and he'll be back soon.
He hides the first letter in his underwear drawer and puts the note next to the bed. Then he kneels and kisses her lips. "I love you," he whispers. "Someday you'll wake up next to me again."
Soojung finds out she is pregnant about four months after Jongin goes to war.
She’s been throwing up for weeks already, but she didn’t give it much thought as she was still pretty much distraught by Jongin leaving and assumed it was some sort of side effect, as she also had occasional headaches and felt extremely weepy at times. One time, though, she felt extremely nauseous and since Kyungri happened to be at her house, she made her some special tea.
As Soojung tearfully recounts the symptoms of her separation from Jongin, Kyungri carefully observes the girl. “Soojung-ah,” she says slowly, “do you remember when you last got your period?”
Soojung shakes her head. “I don’t keep track of things like that, unni, I just - ”
“Do you remember getting it after Jongin left?”
Soojung thinks about it. “Um… no, I don’t think so.”
“Soojung, come here,” Kyungri says softly and Soojung scoots closer, letting Kyungri rub a hand across her lower abdomen.
“Soojung,” Kyungri says again, so gently that Soojung knows what she is about to say before she even says it.
“Unni, no,” Soojung whispers, not even daring to touch her own stomach.
“Soojung…”
Soojung sinks her head into her hands. “I can’t,” she says so quietly Kyungri almost doesn’t hear her. “I can’t do this by myself.”
Kyungri pulls her closer and lets Soojung cry into her lap. “You have me,” she reminds her. As if on cue, Chanyoung toddles into the kitchen and makes a beeline for his mother. “Umma!” he intones, bright and cheery. “I’m hungry!”
Kyungri smiles at her son. “Hey, sweetie, you’re awake,” she says and watches as he peers curiously at Soojung. “Umma, what’s wrong with noona?” Soojung peels herself off Kyungri and tries to compose herself for the kid’s sake, but Chanyoung sees through her and climbs on her lap. “Don’t be sad, noona,” he says sweetly, hugging her neck and kissing the tears off her cheeks. “Don’t be sad, Chanyoungie loves you.”
“UMMMAAAAAAAA!!”
The other child barges in with her arms outstretched towards Kyungri, who picks her up. She, too, stares in interest as her twin brother does his best to cheer Soojung up, but his sweet gestures only make her feel more choked up. Finally he just lets himself be held as Soojung wraps her arms around him.
“Umma, you should cook for Soojung unni,” Baekyeon says brightly. “Then maybe she will feel better, and Chanyoungie and I can eat.”
“Okay, I get it, you’re hungry,” Kyungri laughs as she gets up to make them food, Baekyeon still clinging on to her neck. “Baekyeon-ah, get off me, Umma can’t cook like this.” Baekyeon doesn’t heed her word and Kyungri has to deal with it.
Soojung buries her nose in Chanyoung’s hair and inhales his sweet baby scent. Caring for two kids alone must be difficult for Kyungri, but are they actually more a source of comfort than trouble? Chanyoung and Baekyeon especially are a lot of work, but there is something about their sweetness and childish innocence that makes up for it, and maybe nothing in this world would make you feel better than a child’s embrace.
Later that night, when the twins are fast asleep and Soojung is lying down beside Kyungri, she says again, “Unni, I’m not ready to have a baby.”
Kyungri is silent for a moment. “I don’t know what to tell you, Soojung,” she says finally. “You have to be ready. And when the time comes, you can be. You will be. You have to force yourself to be strong, sometimes.”
Soojung takes a deep breath and lets it out. Lying down, she can very clearly see the contours of the bump. She touches it tentatively as she begins to close her eyes and tells herself that this child is the closest thing to Jongin she can have right now, and that at least should help ease the pain.
Soojung-ah,
Don't worry about me. I'm alright. Well, as alright as I can be given these circumstances. I'm so glad I got put together with Joonmyun-hyung because he's been a great help, and comfort, to me in so many ways.
The physical aspect of combat is not that hard. It's more of the fact that I get startled by rustling leaves, and that the more nervous I get the clumsier I become, and that I have to do things I'd never thought I would ever do.
I've killed people now, and I know that's probably not a surprise considering that's what I was sent here to do. But I still can't believe I did it, and I can't help feeling ashamed, though I know -- and this is not something I'm proud of, either -- I'd kill anything and anyone if it means keeping you safe and going back to you in one piece.
I'm so terribly homesick. I miss the warmth and comfort of our home. I miss you. I miss the kids.
Which brings me to your news. I'm so, so happy, Soojung-ah, of course I am. Our first child that isn't a poodle. But, well, I'm sad too. Sad that I'm not there for you right now, sad that I don't know for sure whether or not I'll be home by the time he/she arrives. I'm hoping like crazy that I will be.
For now, all I can do is send you and the kid my love.
And the flower, well, the battlefield is dry and barren but I somehow stumbled upon this. I just, well, I thought it was like a symbol. Of hope. And I know me pulling it out of the ground and killing it just ruins the metaphor but I so badly wanted to send you something. I actually tried making something, out of earth and a bit of water in the hopes it'd act like clay but all it became was a mud pie, so this is what you get.
Tell Kyungri-noona to take good care of you. I hope she's doing well, and the twins too.
Joonmyun-hyung is telling me to hurry. He says hi, by the way.
Love,
Jongin
With Kyungri's help, Soojung adjusts to her pregnancy.
She'd been neglecting to eat properly before, but now she's monitoring her diet carefully, helped by Kyungri's laundry list of good things to eat while pregnant. For the most part, she tries to completely focus on staying healthy, and that redirects her overwhelming emotions.
Except, of course, the moments when her hormones kicked in and she could do little to fight them. During those moments she'd just retreat to her bed and wallow in gloom. She'd let herself cry and sleep as much as she pleased, not really knowing how else to deal with her feelings as she'd been relatively apathetic for most of her life.
Soojung-ah,
I really hate that I can't be there for you when you're feeling down. But whenever I feel dejected here, I find that it helps to think about happier times. And then, I mean, after that sometimes I feel even worse because I return to reality, but at least for a while, I can pretend I'm reliving the past.
I don't even know how I got around to thinking this. But whenever I think about the beginning of us, I feel that we were very... young. Kyungri noona married when she was younger than both of us when we got married but she somehow seemed like an adult straight away? While with us, I sort of felt like we were playing house. And I don't mean that as a bad thing. I think we've briefly talked about this once and if I remember correctly you mentioned you felt the same way. Adulthood seemed like such a foreign concept at that time, and everyone kept telling me that I have to be the man of the house now, while I didn't even know what that really meant. Also -- you've brought this up a couple of times and I've never been able to answer, but I thought about it. Honestly, I think that was why Kyungri-noona and I couldn't work out in the end. Because in the end, I was a child to her. Eventually I understood that. How could I be the head of her household if she's the one taking care of me, that sort of thing.
The difference is, with you, I felt like we were on the same level and that we were helping each other out. It didn't really matter that neither of us knew what we were doing at first because we were learning together. And after a while adulthood doesn't seem like a burden, does it? We had a routine and we had a little extra time on the side. And we somehow got to be kids and adults at the same time. I mean, we were able to manage a household and raise kids together -- okay, dogs aren't kids and they don't really count, but still. They show that we're responsible. Okay, they show that you're responsible since you're always the one feeding them and all but they're my kids first. And other times you do dumb things with me like try to fit inside the laundry basket. Starting water fights when you're doing the dishes or in the bath. Piling up the kids on me when I'm asleep. Actually, you prank me a lot when I'm asleep. Remember that one time you braided all my hair in little braids and wouldn't help me undo any of them.
And now we've got some more growing up to do and our own battles to face, you with our baby and me with the war. We have no time to be children anymore these days. But, well, what use is it constantly reminding ourselves that we're not together in this time of struggle? Let's try to look forward, look at the future. Think about how, when this is all over, we'll get to be together again, and with a new addition to our family.
That's what I try to focus on most of the time, these days. Happy things. I miss you so much that I try to remember the past with you, and imagine the future with you. I know that this isn't enough, but it's all we have and for now it would have to make do.
Be patient, my love.
Jongin
Halfway into her third trimester, Soojung's mother and a midwife come to stay at her house. Kyungri is often there, too, and as a result her children were witnesses to the expansion of Soojung's belly.
Of course, they ask plenty of questions. But seeing as they were only four, Kyungri didn't see the need to explain in great detail. She just did a lot of reassuring that no, Soojung-unni is not sick, and no, Soojung-unni was not cursed by a witch and no, Soojung-noona was definitely not bitten by a bear and mutated. This is something natural and a part of life which I will explain when you're older.
Soojung didn't feel very well in the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy, so the memory of that time was nothing but a blur of headaches, soup, stomach pains and sleep. Since she was semi-delirious most of that time, it was a good thing that her mother happened to be in the room when her water broke.
Soojung hadn't even realized. Her contractions had barely started then. All she knew was that one second she was falling asleep and the next, three women were suddenly crowded around her bed and telling her to stay calm and breathe deeply. It took a while for her to register what was happening, and when she did, her eyes fill with tears.
"Shh, it's okay," her mother whispers, stroking her hair. "It's okay, Soojung-ah. Don't be scared."
She grips her mother's hand as a surge of pain travels up her spine. But she can't seem to stop the tears as more contractions come her way, each one more painful and grueling than the last. At one point, she feels Kyungri wipe her face with a damp cloth and asking, "Do you want anything, Soojung-ah? Some water?"
Soojung was downright sobbing by this point. "Jongin," she manages to say. "I want Jongin."
There was a silence, which Soojung doesn't even realize because another contraction had come then, so strong it made her cringe. Once that contraction was over, she opens her eyes to find Kyungri kneeling next to her. "Soojung," she says gently, "let's not think about him right now, okay? Let's focus on what's going on now. Let's focus on your baby."
Two hours later, the midwife finally places a squalling baby boy in Soojung's arms, and her tears are no longer tears of pain but tears of joy. Her mother is tearing up, too. "Do you have a name in mind, honey?"
Soojung nods. She and Jongin had discussed it in their last couple of letters. "I do," she says. "His name is Seojoon."
((next part here))
Soojung is getting married.
It’s an arranged marriage, but it could be worse, she supposes. She knows him, somewhat, they’ve lived in the same neighborhood all their lives. They’ve played in the same fields, passed by each other in the school hallways, and she has to admit he’s grown up to be quite a handsome young man. She knows he's a good dancer because she'd seen him at school events, performances and even during physical education, but her mother tells her he’s got a more practical career option and is apprenticed to his father, the best potter in the village. She only hears good things about him, that he’s a little shy but sweet and genuinely kind, and is apparently very strong because his father’s made him collect firewood for his kiln for years.
It could be a lot worse, but it could be better, too. Because a lot of the things she hears about him she hears from her next-door neighbor Kyungri, and the reason why she knows about him as well as she does is because they used to be lovers. And Soojung knows that the only reason why they stopped being lovers is because Kyungri was arranged to marry someone else.
“Don’t overthink this, Soojung-ah.” Soojung was sitting at her neighbor’s kitchen table and Kyungri’s back was turned towards her as she was cooking something on the stove. “So we did see each other, and if I hadn’t gotten married then things might have turned out differently, but I did get married and soon you’re getting married too. Why does it have to mean anything now that Jongin and I were… you know…” Kyungri’s voice trails off as she reaches for the salt.
“I know you’re not together anymore, unni. You’re obviously married. With kids,” Soojung points out. “But just because you’re not together it doesn’t mean… Maybe I’m being too idealistic given our circumstances but I’d like to marry for love. And we may not be in love right now, yet, but I’m just hoping, eventually…”
“And you can be, Soojung,” Kyungri says firmly. “Eventually. You can. Please don’t tell me you’re afraid of marrying him because you think he’s still in love with me.”
The atmosphere grows quiet, and Kyungri sighs as she gets out two ceramic bowls. They were beautiful, glazed with celadon. Jongin’s father probably made them. “It’s not as ridiculous as you’re implying it to be, unni,” Soojung mumbles. “He was infatuated with you.”
Kyungri stays silent as she ladles kimchi jjigae into the bowls. Soojung doesn’t say that what she really feels is that she just doesn’t measure up to Kyungri, the perfect, quintessential housewife, only a year older than her and yet so much more competent at - well, everything. Aside from her sister, Soojung has looked up to Kyungri for as long as she’s lived next door, which was all her life. They were closer in age and Soojung had witnessed from a close proximity how Kyungri was always the smartest student in class, how she always appeared sweet and delicate and yet managed to beat up any boy who disturbed her, how she breezed through puberty and blossomed as a beautiful young woman, petite and curvy with doe eyes and silky hair. In comparison, Soojung feels like an overgrown child.
It’s no wonder, really, that almost every boy in the neighborhood has had a crush on Kyungri, and that Kim Jongin was in love with her for years. Is probably still in love with her.
“Look, Soojung, I honestly don’t know what he feels about me now,” Kyungri admits as she pushes the bowl in front of Soojung’s face. “But don’t let me get in the way of your relationship. Even if he… does have feelings for me, he’s reasonable. Regardless, I know he’ll try to make it work… and promise me you won’t compare yourself to me, promise me you’ll build a new relationship with him and that it’ll be you, you being yourself and no one else.”
“I promise,” Soojung says meekly in between sips of her soup. “Just… Do you think you can teach me how to cook?”
Even by the time their wedding came around, they haven't really spoken much to each other.
Soojung doesn't remember every single detail about that day. She remembers that it was kind of awkward between them, so in a way she was somehow grateful for the complicated wedding ceremony because at least it gave them something to focus on. She also remembers exchanging shy smiles with him countless times that day, which, at that time, was probably like their most preferred method of communication.
But what she remembers the most was when they danced.
Soojung was not a dancer by any means. But somehow, it was so easy to fall into step with Jongin as he gently guides her around his movements. His hand on the small of her back felt so steady, secure. And somehow that tells her that their marriage will be just fine, that he's dependable, that they'll be able to figure this out together.
So when they finish the dance, she takes the hand he offers her, intertwining their fingers. And when they smile at each other, it's less awkward and more reassuring. By the end of the night, Soojung tells herself that if she had to spend the rest of her life with one person, she probably wouldn't mind spending it with Jongin.
Despite the unavoidable initial awkwardness, Soojung finds that she likes living with Jongin.
He helps her make the bed every morning before he goes to his father’s workshop. He tolerates her cooking, which was still mediocre at best. He has three dogs and brings them over to their new house, and though they add to her chores they keep her company during the day when he’s at his father’s place. And besides, he helps with her chores whenever he is at home, which is honestly more than what she expects him to do.
He tells her not to do laundry by herself and to wait for him to get home so that he could help her, and it becomes something of a ritual for them to do laundry together. Soojung thinks there’s something incredibly sweet about a husband who helps her separate the lights and darks and always insists on carrying the heavy load of laundry.
He makes her lots of things, mugs and bowls and plates as well as little trinkets like a tiny ceramic rabbit and a ring engraved with their initials. He’s sweet and earnest and Soojung likes him a lot, and she really doesn’t mind being married to him.
She’s appreciative towards him and wants to be a better wife, wants to love and comfort and spoil him. She knows his little habits by now - learns that he likes sleeping past lunchtime, likes his coffee really sweet, doesn’t like wearing shirts inside the house (which still makes her blush if she’s being really honest). But she feels that she could do more, at least get better at cooking and cleaning and sewing, and that’s where Kyungri comes in.
Soojung could not be more grateful to Kyungri for guiding her through this maze of new adulthood, being basically a human version of How To Be a Housewife for Dummies. Still, she tries to get Kyungri out of the house before Jongin gets home.
Because her heart kind of drops a little whenever he looks at Kyungri with stars in his eyes, whenever he stutters out a shy “Hi, Kyungri-noona.” She doesn’t miss the subtle shift of Kyungri’s face either, the way it melts from its usual indifferent expression to one of affection. And maybe she’s overthinking, reading into the situation too much because of course they were still important to each other, and they probably found it a little odd and yet exhilarating at the same time to be around each other with the given circumstances. Soojung just can’t help but be a little left out, jealous, wanting to have a bigger piece of his heart than Kyungri did.
And she knows that he likes her okay, does his best to treat her well, but she feels like that’s done partly out of obligation, trying to do his part to make the marriage work. Somehow that’s not really enough for Soojung. She wants this to be more than just a working relationship. She wants love, because she’s never been in love before.
They kiss for the first time six months into their marriage.
Their development is pretty slow, especially if you take into account that Kyungri was pregnant about four months into her marriage. But Soojung is awkward and Jongin is shy and they never really discussed their physical boundaries, didn’t really know how to bring it up. Soojung does want to be physically intimate with him but she doesn’t know if it’s appropriate for her to say so.
One balmy Saturday afternoon, they pack up some food in a basket and take their dogs out for a walk, ending up on a grassy hilltop overlooking the village. They were sitting down and leaning against a tree, Jongin’s arm loosely draped around Soojung’s shoulders as she absent-mindedly feeds him kimbap. He threads her fingers through hers when she runs out of kimbap to give and she lets him, not really paying attention as she watches Jjangah and Monggu chase a butterfly. Jjanggu is getting really fat, she muses as the third poodle waddles up to his playmates. Don’t I feed them all the same thing..? Has he been taking food from Monggu?
“Hey, do you think Jjanggu’s too fat…” Soojung’s voice trails off as she turns to look at her husband. Jongin is looking at her with an unusual expression on his face; affectionate and contemplative, eyes warm and a tiny smile on his lips. “Uhh… Jongin-ah?”
And then Jongin suddenly leans over and pecks her on the lips. It was short and chaste, really not a big deal at all, but she was so taken aback that she jerks her head back and bangs it against the tree trunk. A vision of poise and grace. “Ow!”
“I’m sorry!” He backs off immediately, scooting further away from her. "I just -- I just thought that I -- I mean, we, you know -- "
Soojung bursts out laughing. "Jongin, it's okay," she says. "I was just surprised."
His expression shifts from apprehensive to relieved. "Okay," he says. Then, almost shyly, he adds, "I've wanted to do that for a while, actually."
His face is so earnest, so open. Soojung feels a little giddy. "Me too," she manages to say, and to prove her statement she leans forward and presses her lips back on to his. He froze in shock for approximately two seconds before parting his lips and pulling her close.
They slow-kiss and snuggle under that tree for hours, until the poodles have gotten tired of exploring the hill and the sky starts turning orange.
They become a lot more affectionate after that.
They start by exchanging quick hugs and kisses each time they part ways, and whenever they meet again. It was then that Soojung finds out that Jongin is naturally clingy, and likes randomly draping himself all over her when she’s cooking or reading on the couch or watering the plants. Sometimes, when Jongin gets especially clingy in the kitchen and Soojung gets distracted by him nosing along the line of her neck, they end up making out and burning the food. The first couple of times it happens Soojung frets about it, but then Jongin will say “Don’t worry about it”, pick her up and carry her to their bedroom.
The first time was awkward and painful, at least for Soojung, but it didn't take too long for them to get used to one another. Soon it became easy for them to express their affection through their bodies, and they become more comfortable with each other in general as well.
Saturday mornings then become devoted to lying in between the sheets until about eleven a.m., which is less romantic than it sounds in their case due to Jongin being asleep the whole time and Soojung wide-awake and trapped among his limbs. But Soojung finds that she is content being his personal body pillow, held in his arms like that, staring at his face for hours on end. He frowns in his sleep, sometimes, eyebrows furrowing and full lips forming a pout. Sometimes he'd tuck his own head under Soojung's chin, burrowing into her neck, while other times he'd pull her under his own chin and she'd curl into his chest. All while asleep.
And then when he'd awake at long last, they'd snuggle and kiss for another half hour or so before Soojung decides that she'd lost all feeling in her arms and legs and should get up to start preparing lunch. Jongin would protest and Soojung would struggle out of his grasp for about another fifteen minutes. Essentially, neither of them is usually out of bed before midday. But once Jongin is up with food in his system, he's very helpful with Soojung's chores and they get things done even with the extremely late start in the day.
Jongin is not naturally good with kids. Not exactly. Not with all kids. But he has two nieces and a nephew, and now the kids next door, and they all like him fine. The kids next door like him a little too much.
Kyungri is probably the most placid person Soojung has ever encountered in her life, and her husband Joonmyun is equally calm and mild-mannered. It is beyond Soojung how they could have twins that are not unlike a pair of firecrackers, unable to sit still for more than 0.3 seconds, with little to no understanding of the concept of inside voices.
Kyungri-unni barely spoke more than one sentence at a time until she was nine, Soojung thinks to herself as she watches Kyungri's three-year-old daughter, seated on Jongin's knee, babble animatedly. Baekyeon's speaking in whole paragraphs already, limited vocabulary and all. She smiles fondly at the little girl, pretty with almond-shaped eyes like Joonmyun's. Her mouth becomes rectangular when she laughs, or smiles widely, or shouts, and most of the time she is doing one or the other. Her twin brother Chanyoung is playing with the dogs, running around the living room with them and laughing boisterously. He has Kyungri's eyes, as large and round as Baekyeon's are small and oval, and plush lips also inherited from his mother.
"Nini hyung~" Chanyoung has suddenly decided that he didn't want his sister stealing all of Jongin's attention, and abandoned the dogs in favor of hugging Jongin's leg. Jongin smiles down at him fondly as he says, "Up, hyung, up."
There is a knock on the door just as Chanyoung settles down on Jongin's other knee, and Soojung goes over to open it. As she predicted, it was Kyungri. "I've come to take my kids back," she says brightly. "Though I have a feeling they won't want to come home."
"Yeah, well, they're currently attached to Jongin's knees." Soojung leads her to the living room where the twins are fighting for Jongin's attention by trying to out-talk one another. "Hey, kids, your mom's here."
"UMMMAAAA!!" Baekyeon shrieks, and Jongin winces. Chanyoung is completely immune.
"Kids, come here." The twins share a brief look, then immediately scramble off Jongin's knees and run to their mother. Her tone is amiable enough, but both kids know better than to test that. "We'd best get going."
"Umma, can we take Nini-oppa home with us, please?" Jongin chokes on his glass of water and Soojung tries to muffle her laughter, hiding behind him.
Kyungri is not surprised by this question. "I don't know, Baek, you'll have to ask Soojung-unni."
"You can't just take him from me, Baekyeon-ah," Soojung says after recovering herself, looping her arms around Jongin's neck and propping her chin on his shoulder. "Who's gonna keep me company here?"
Baekyeon thinks for a moment, then grabs her brother's arm. "I'll trade you Chanyoungie!" she says brightly, and Chanyoung squawks in indignation. "He can... he can... he can take care of the puppies! And he's, um... he's great at jumping on the bed! And also, he's, uh..." She wrinkles her nose as she tries to think of more. "Well, he's not much use at anything, really," she admits, and her brother gives her a shove. "But he's fun!" she concludes her little advertisement.
"You can't just trade people like that, Baek," Jongin chides gently. "We don't belong to anybody. Though, I suppose, Chanyoungie belongs to your umma." He tilts his head a little and pecks Soojung's cheek. "And I belong to your Soojung-unni."
Everything starts crumbling down one sunny Saturday morning.
Soojung thinks she hears a knock on the front door. She tries to get up but it isn’t easy when Jongin’s still asleep and holding on tight to her, whimpering when she tries to move away.
Finally, she manages to pry herself off him, get dressed and opens the front door to see Kyungri’s husband standing on the doorstep. “I’m sorry for the wait, Joonmyun-oppa,” she apologizes with a smile. “What can I do for you?”
“It’s okay, Soojung-ah. I assume Jongin’s still asleep?”
“Er, yeah. Please come in, oppa, I’ll wake him up for you.” She leads him to the kitchen and pours him a glass of cold water before going back into her bedroom.
"Jongin-ah." She takes out the pillow underneath his head and hits him with it. "Wake up."
He gives a little discontented grunt and pulls the covers over his head.
Soojung hits a little harder. "Yah, get up! Get up!"
Suddenly Jongin emerges from under all the blankets, grabs her arms and pulls her towards him. Startled, she topples on top of him and shrieks with laughter as he wraps his arms and legs around her and squeezes tight. "Jongin, stop," she gasps, a little breathless from laughing, as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. "Hey, stop. Joonmyun-oppa's here to see you."
Jongin stops nuzzling her neck. "Joonmyun-hyung?"
"Yeah."
"Why..? It's a Saturday morning..."
"Well, you would know if you got up. And it's not morning anymore." Soojung wrestles out of his grip and manages to drag him out of bed with her. "So get a move on."
Soojung leaves them to talk in the kitchen and does a couple of small chores around the house before returning to cook lunch. When she does, the two men are oddly silent, and she gives them a quizzical look. Joonmyun looks solemn, and Jongin looks... sad. "What's wrong?"
"Soojung, come here," Jongin says softly and she comes over to sit on his lap. "Joonmyun-hyung's just been telling me about the civil war."
An uneasy feeling stirs up in Soojung's gut.
"Things aren't looking good, so they're expanding the militia," Joonmyun continues. "They're looking in every village now, and they're requiring one man from each household."
"Soojung, you know what this means, right?" Soojung slumps weakly against him and nods.
The night before Jongin leaves, Soojung retreats to bed extremely early, before he gets home, and weeps alone in the darkness.
She's wanted to cry ever since she knew he was leaving but she's tried so hard to hold it in for his sake. She knows he must be scared, too, and the least she could do was put on a brave face. But she just needed to let it out so badly, all the anguish and fear and uneasy feeling of uncertainty, and the fact that he was leaving tomorrow brings all those feelings up to a climax.
She hopes to be done with her grieving by the time he comes home, but when he pokes his head around their bedroom door she's still curled up in fetal position with tears running down her face. She was in such a state she barely noticed his presence until he slips in under the sheets next to her, wraps an arm around her waist and gently wipes her tears away with his thumb. "Soojungie."
Soojung knows it's too late by now to pretend she's not crying. "Do you really have to leave?" she chokes out, turning to face him. Jongin responds by kissing her forehead, and eyelids when she closes her eyes. The tears are still coming but at least her breathing is even now.
"I love you." Her breathing hitches; she knows they're very fond of and extremely comfortable around one another by now, but neither of them had said those words out loud before. "I love you so much, Soojung-ah. I just want you to know that."
"I love you too," she whispers, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. "Please come back to me."
Jongin is quiet for a while. "I can't promise you that, but I will try."
"I know you will."
He slides one hand under the silk robe she has on and kisses the underside of her jaw. "Take care of the kids for me."
Soojung snorts. "I'm always the one taking care of them, anyway," she replies and feels him smile against her skin.
"Maybe you won't burn the food without me around to distract you." He slips the robe off her shoulders easily and eases her body underneath his.
"That's assuming I have someone to cook for."
He pauses and frowns. "Take good care of yourself, okay? Promise me. Don't forget to eat, stay warm, go out for a walk every once in a while..." His fingers dip between her thighs and Soojung finds it hard to concentrate on his words. "Take care of yourself."
"I will," she whispers, parting her legs. "Just... take care of me right now."
For the first time since they started living together, Jongin wakes up before Soojung does.
He gives himself time to hold her close and observe her beautiful, sleeping face, but he has to be gone by sunrise and he wants to be gone before she wakes up. Because he still hasn't figured out how to say goodbye, and if she starts to cry again he probably wouldn't be able to go.
He slips out of bed as stealthily as possible, and his heart starts to palpitate painfully when she whimpers and curls into the warm spot on the bed he had just vacated. He forces himself to get dressed and pack his bag before returning to her, kneeling by their bed. He lets himself stroke her hair and drop feather-light kisses on her face, down her neck and on her bare shoulders before checking the time and making himself move along. Somehow, he feels a little bad for leaving her to deal with the soiled sheets, but there was obviously nothing he can do about them now. He had just enough time for one more thing.
He finds some stationery and brings it out to the kitchen where there's light. There he writes a letter, and it's fairly quick because he already knows what he wants to write, has been running through the words in his head ever since he got the news from Joonmyun. He finishes writing and folds it up into an envelope. Then, because he doesn't want her to read that one just yet, he writes a second note. Short and sweet, just saying that he loves her and he'll be back soon.
He hides the first letter in his underwear drawer and puts the note next to the bed. Then he kneels and kisses her lips. "I love you," he whispers. "Someday you'll wake up next to me again."
Soojung finds out she is pregnant about four months after Jongin goes to war.
She’s been throwing up for weeks already, but she didn’t give it much thought as she was still pretty much distraught by Jongin leaving and assumed it was some sort of side effect, as she also had occasional headaches and felt extremely weepy at times. One time, though, she felt extremely nauseous and since Kyungri happened to be at her house, she made her some special tea.
As Soojung tearfully recounts the symptoms of her separation from Jongin, Kyungri carefully observes the girl. “Soojung-ah,” she says slowly, “do you remember when you last got your period?”
Soojung shakes her head. “I don’t keep track of things like that, unni, I just - ”
“Do you remember getting it after Jongin left?”
Soojung thinks about it. “Um… no, I don’t think so.”
“Soojung, come here,” Kyungri says softly and Soojung scoots closer, letting Kyungri rub a hand across her lower abdomen.
“Soojung,” Kyungri says again, so gently that Soojung knows what she is about to say before she even says it.
“Unni, no,” Soojung whispers, not even daring to touch her own stomach.
“Soojung…”
Soojung sinks her head into her hands. “I can’t,” she says so quietly Kyungri almost doesn’t hear her. “I can’t do this by myself.”
Kyungri pulls her closer and lets Soojung cry into her lap. “You have me,” she reminds her. As if on cue, Chanyoung toddles into the kitchen and makes a beeline for his mother. “Umma!” he intones, bright and cheery. “I’m hungry!”
Kyungri smiles at her son. “Hey, sweetie, you’re awake,” she says and watches as he peers curiously at Soojung. “Umma, what’s wrong with noona?” Soojung peels herself off Kyungri and tries to compose herself for the kid’s sake, but Chanyoung sees through her and climbs on her lap. “Don’t be sad, noona,” he says sweetly, hugging her neck and kissing the tears off her cheeks. “Don’t be sad, Chanyoungie loves you.”
“UMMMAAAAAAAA!!”
The other child barges in with her arms outstretched towards Kyungri, who picks her up. She, too, stares in interest as her twin brother does his best to cheer Soojung up, but his sweet gestures only make her feel more choked up. Finally he just lets himself be held as Soojung wraps her arms around him.
“Umma, you should cook for Soojung unni,” Baekyeon says brightly. “Then maybe she will feel better, and Chanyoungie and I can eat.”
“Okay, I get it, you’re hungry,” Kyungri laughs as she gets up to make them food, Baekyeon still clinging on to her neck. “Baekyeon-ah, get off me, Umma can’t cook like this.” Baekyeon doesn’t heed her word and Kyungri has to deal with it.
Soojung buries her nose in Chanyoung’s hair and inhales his sweet baby scent. Caring for two kids alone must be difficult for Kyungri, but are they actually more a source of comfort than trouble? Chanyoung and Baekyeon especially are a lot of work, but there is something about their sweetness and childish innocence that makes up for it, and maybe nothing in this world would make you feel better than a child’s embrace.
Later that night, when the twins are fast asleep and Soojung is lying down beside Kyungri, she says again, “Unni, I’m not ready to have a baby.”
Kyungri is silent for a moment. “I don’t know what to tell you, Soojung,” she says finally. “You have to be ready. And when the time comes, you can be. You will be. You have to force yourself to be strong, sometimes.”
Soojung takes a deep breath and lets it out. Lying down, she can very clearly see the contours of the bump. She touches it tentatively as she begins to close her eyes and tells herself that this child is the closest thing to Jongin she can have right now, and that at least should help ease the pain.
Soojung-ah,
Don't worry about me. I'm alright. Well, as alright as I can be given these circumstances. I'm so glad I got put together with Joonmyun-hyung because he's been a great help, and comfort, to me in so many ways.
The physical aspect of combat is not that hard. It's more of the fact that I get startled by rustling leaves, and that the more nervous I get the clumsier I become, and that I have to do things I'd never thought I would ever do.
I've killed people now, and I know that's probably not a surprise considering that's what I was sent here to do. But I still can't believe I did it, and I can't help feeling ashamed, though I know -- and this is not something I'm proud of, either -- I'd kill anything and anyone if it means keeping you safe and going back to you in one piece.
I'm so terribly homesick. I miss the warmth and comfort of our home. I miss you. I miss the kids.
Which brings me to your news. I'm so, so happy, Soojung-ah, of course I am. Our first child that isn't a poodle. But, well, I'm sad too. Sad that I'm not there for you right now, sad that I don't know for sure whether or not I'll be home by the time he/she arrives. I'm hoping like crazy that I will be.
For now, all I can do is send you and the kid my love.
And the flower, well, the battlefield is dry and barren but I somehow stumbled upon this. I just, well, I thought it was like a symbol. Of hope. And I know me pulling it out of the ground and killing it just ruins the metaphor but I so badly wanted to send you something. I actually tried making something, out of earth and a bit of water in the hopes it'd act like clay but all it became was a mud pie, so this is what you get.
Tell Kyungri-noona to take good care of you. I hope she's doing well, and the twins too.
Joonmyun-hyung is telling me to hurry. He says hi, by the way.
Love,
Jongin
With Kyungri's help, Soojung adjusts to her pregnancy.
She'd been neglecting to eat properly before, but now she's monitoring her diet carefully, helped by Kyungri's laundry list of good things to eat while pregnant. For the most part, she tries to completely focus on staying healthy, and that redirects her overwhelming emotions.
Except, of course, the moments when her hormones kicked in and she could do little to fight them. During those moments she'd just retreat to her bed and wallow in gloom. She'd let herself cry and sleep as much as she pleased, not really knowing how else to deal with her feelings as she'd been relatively apathetic for most of her life.
Soojung-ah,
I really hate that I can't be there for you when you're feeling down. But whenever I feel dejected here, I find that it helps to think about happier times. And then, I mean, after that sometimes I feel even worse because I return to reality, but at least for a while, I can pretend I'm reliving the past.
I don't even know how I got around to thinking this. But whenever I think about the beginning of us, I feel that we were very... young. Kyungri noona married when she was younger than both of us when we got married but she somehow seemed like an adult straight away? While with us, I sort of felt like we were playing house. And I don't mean that as a bad thing. I think we've briefly talked about this once and if I remember correctly you mentioned you felt the same way. Adulthood seemed like such a foreign concept at that time, and everyone kept telling me that I have to be the man of the house now, while I didn't even know what that really meant. Also -- you've brought this up a couple of times and I've never been able to answer, but I thought about it. Honestly, I think that was why Kyungri-noona and I couldn't work out in the end. Because in the end, I was a child to her. Eventually I understood that. How could I be the head of her household if she's the one taking care of me, that sort of thing.
The difference is, with you, I felt like we were on the same level and that we were helping each other out. It didn't really matter that neither of us knew what we were doing at first because we were learning together. And after a while adulthood doesn't seem like a burden, does it? We had a routine and we had a little extra time on the side. And we somehow got to be kids and adults at the same time. I mean, we were able to manage a household and raise kids together -- okay, dogs aren't kids and they don't really count, but still. They show that we're responsible. Okay, they show that you're responsible since you're always the one feeding them and all but they're my kids first. And other times you do dumb things with me like try to fit inside the laundry basket. Starting water fights when you're doing the dishes or in the bath. Piling up the kids on me when I'm asleep. Actually, you prank me a lot when I'm asleep. Remember that one time you braided all my hair in little braids and wouldn't help me undo any of them.
And now we've got some more growing up to do and our own battles to face, you with our baby and me with the war. We have no time to be children anymore these days. But, well, what use is it constantly reminding ourselves that we're not together in this time of struggle? Let's try to look forward, look at the future. Think about how, when this is all over, we'll get to be together again, and with a new addition to our family.
That's what I try to focus on most of the time, these days. Happy things. I miss you so much that I try to remember the past with you, and imagine the future with you. I know that this isn't enough, but it's all we have and for now it would have to make do.
Be patient, my love.
Jongin
Halfway into her third trimester, Soojung's mother and a midwife come to stay at her house. Kyungri is often there, too, and as a result her children were witnesses to the expansion of Soojung's belly.
Of course, they ask plenty of questions. But seeing as they were only four, Kyungri didn't see the need to explain in great detail. She just did a lot of reassuring that no, Soojung-unni is not sick, and no, Soojung-unni was not cursed by a witch and no, Soojung-noona was definitely not bitten by a bear and mutated. This is something natural and a part of life which I will explain when you're older.
Soojung didn't feel very well in the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy, so the memory of that time was nothing but a blur of headaches, soup, stomach pains and sleep. Since she was semi-delirious most of that time, it was a good thing that her mother happened to be in the room when her water broke.
Soojung hadn't even realized. Her contractions had barely started then. All she knew was that one second she was falling asleep and the next, three women were suddenly crowded around her bed and telling her to stay calm and breathe deeply. It took a while for her to register what was happening, and when she did, her eyes fill with tears.
"Shh, it's okay," her mother whispers, stroking her hair. "It's okay, Soojung-ah. Don't be scared."
She grips her mother's hand as a surge of pain travels up her spine. But she can't seem to stop the tears as more contractions come her way, each one more painful and grueling than the last. At one point, she feels Kyungri wipe her face with a damp cloth and asking, "Do you want anything, Soojung-ah? Some water?"
Soojung was downright sobbing by this point. "Jongin," she manages to say. "I want Jongin."
There was a silence, which Soojung doesn't even realize because another contraction had come then, so strong it made her cringe. Once that contraction was over, she opens her eyes to find Kyungri kneeling next to her. "Soojung," she says gently, "let's not think about him right now, okay? Let's focus on what's going on now. Let's focus on your baby."
Two hours later, the midwife finally places a squalling baby boy in Soojung's arms, and her tears are no longer tears of pain but tears of joy. Her mother is tearing up, too. "Do you have a name in mind, honey?"
Soojung nods. She and Jongin had discussed it in their last couple of letters. "I do," she says. "His name is Seojoon."
((next part here))