When will I truly be happy with myself?
We all have a weakness,
but some of ours are easy to identify,
look me in the eye,
and ask for forgiveness,
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
So as I said in the last entry, things are going well. My school is going well. My apartment is clean and peaceful. I'm considering getting a CO-OP at a lab or getting a regular job. I'm starting to be surrounded by people that like me at my school instead of being alone all the time. There are things to look forward to and tasks at hand. I'm even turning 20 soon.
But after heading home from watching Nip/Tuck with my friends, my heart sank. So I sat and tried thinking about why I feel certain ways.
My mom says that she should have taught me how to love myself more. Melissa, one of my good friends, says that I'm beautiful and that I need to take a better look in the mirror. My sister Nina stopped to correct me when I said I was no longer a hopeful child.
But in complete honesty, that's the way I feel.
So I know people don't want me to say this, but when it comes down to it, I honestly hate myself for so much.
When I look in the mirror, all I feel is disgust. All I see is what I shouldn't be. I need to lose weight. I need to dress better. When guys look at my dry and discolored skin, they will cringe in disgust. Whether the self-evaluation was drawn into me over years and years of emotional abuse or a product of what society expects me to look like is of no concern to me. I compare myself to a higher standard out of my own will.
When I evaluate my academic performance, I feel like I should drop out of college. My grades are not bad, but more like mediocre. They're not of the caliber I feel I need to get into a medical school. My academic adviser even told me to look up because there's still potential, but I felt as if I failed. I should be at my dream school NYU, or Tufts, or Boston University, or North Eastern. Not Suffolk, even though it's not bad. And it's ultimately my fault for not trying at all when I had a fair chance of making it during high school. Sometimes, I want to drop out of Suffolk and just join a nursing program to start making money, because I could so easily do so if I wanted to. But I know that's not the right path to take if I want to make a higher income in the future and have the kind of job satisfaction I seek. Something with a higher purpose, that helps people on the level I want to help them.
I also refuse to take over my mother's hotel even though I would be fabulously wealthy because I refuse to owe all of my success to her. It would not give me emotional satisfaction to be given my livelihood. I would actually look at myself in more disgust if this happened. I want to work and build my own dreams. Not have them handed out to me.
I've been called many things of various pejorative contexts and accept them to various degrees. From fat, stupid, slow, ugly, etc. I own up to them. I accept that I am not perfect and lack many qualities. It's why I could take Flora putting my face on the Sumo Wrestler without flinching and rebuttal by putting down her actions and attitudes. Real, hearty insults that should be taken to heart. The kind that criticize you as a person. How does she expect to make me cry about being fat when I understand and quietly accept what I am? People should bring to light what I don't know about myself if they want to hurt me. I encourage people to criticize me so I can motivate myself into becoming a better person at the end of everything. I know I should work harder because I have not had a hard life. I feel like I am more obligated to do so for my less fortunate friends who look at me with envy. For all that I've been given and have I should hold myself to a better standard.
Therein lies the biggest source of my depression. I am not the person I want to be and expect so much more out of life. I want so much more for myself.
So much more that I am disappointed with myself.
But this is a part of me. And when people try to deny the existence of this malice inside of me, they refuse to accept me completely. But I tell you. It is ALL ME. The good and the bad and the ugly. The really ugly. I work on simple values of integrity and can be shallow to a point.
So I apologize for when my self-esteem or repressed pride for the person I internally demand to be rears its ugly head. I know it's not pleasant to deal with but bear with me. I know I say mean things about myself and that I am too harsh. But that's why this journal existed in the first place. So I could express the sadness, the ugliness, the anger, and everything else I couldn't express openly before aside from peoples' comentary. No other reason other than that. I absolutely refuse to censor myself anymore unless I know it will really hurt someone I love, not including negative attitudes towards myself.
My mood and attitude will improve when the sun rises, when it won't drop below 0 degrees, when I hear from the people I feel don't care about me, or when my body chemicals balance out. Whatever exposure works first.
Or maybe when I can honestly say, without reservation, that I'm truly happy and proud of myself. I'd finally be able to see the people I was ashamed to present myself to and look at them with my smile that says I've fulfilled their expectations of me. I want to have faith in myself again. Can I really believe?
Until then, I'm going to try and be content with this type of quiet life I'm living now.
I need to keep in mind the words my English teacher spoke.
"Your value as a person is not determined by the things you've failed at."
But sometimes, it hurts so much that I don't ignore it.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
Please tell me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
but some of ours are easy to identify,
look me in the eye,
and ask for forgiveness,
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
So as I said in the last entry, things are going well. My school is going well. My apartment is clean and peaceful. I'm considering getting a CO-OP at a lab or getting a regular job. I'm starting to be surrounded by people that like me at my school instead of being alone all the time. There are things to look forward to and tasks at hand. I'm even turning 20 soon.
But after heading home from watching Nip/Tuck with my friends, my heart sank. So I sat and tried thinking about why I feel certain ways.
My mom says that she should have taught me how to love myself more. Melissa, one of my good friends, says that I'm beautiful and that I need to take a better look in the mirror. My sister Nina stopped to correct me when I said I was no longer a hopeful child.
But in complete honesty, that's the way I feel.
So I know people don't want me to say this, but when it comes down to it, I honestly hate myself for so much.
When I look in the mirror, all I feel is disgust. All I see is what I shouldn't be. I need to lose weight. I need to dress better. When guys look at my dry and discolored skin, they will cringe in disgust. Whether the self-evaluation was drawn into me over years and years of emotional abuse or a product of what society expects me to look like is of no concern to me. I compare myself to a higher standard out of my own will.
When I evaluate my academic performance, I feel like I should drop out of college. My grades are not bad, but more like mediocre. They're not of the caliber I feel I need to get into a medical school. My academic adviser even told me to look up because there's still potential, but I felt as if I failed. I should be at my dream school NYU, or Tufts, or Boston University, or North Eastern. Not Suffolk, even though it's not bad. And it's ultimately my fault for not trying at all when I had a fair chance of making it during high school. Sometimes, I want to drop out of Suffolk and just join a nursing program to start making money, because I could so easily do so if I wanted to. But I know that's not the right path to take if I want to make a higher income in the future and have the kind of job satisfaction I seek. Something with a higher purpose, that helps people on the level I want to help them.
I also refuse to take over my mother's hotel even though I would be fabulously wealthy because I refuse to owe all of my success to her. It would not give me emotional satisfaction to be given my livelihood. I would actually look at myself in more disgust if this happened. I want to work and build my own dreams. Not have them handed out to me.
I've been called many things of various pejorative contexts and accept them to various degrees. From fat, stupid, slow, ugly, etc. I own up to them. I accept that I am not perfect and lack many qualities. It's why I could take Flora putting my face on the Sumo Wrestler without flinching and rebuttal by putting down her actions and attitudes. Real, hearty insults that should be taken to heart. The kind that criticize you as a person. How does she expect to make me cry about being fat when I understand and quietly accept what I am? People should bring to light what I don't know about myself if they want to hurt me. I encourage people to criticize me so I can motivate myself into becoming a better person at the end of everything. I know I should work harder because I have not had a hard life. I feel like I am more obligated to do so for my less fortunate friends who look at me with envy. For all that I've been given and have I should hold myself to a better standard.
Therein lies the biggest source of my depression. I am not the person I want to be and expect so much more out of life. I want so much more for myself.
So much more that I am disappointed with myself.
But this is a part of me. And when people try to deny the existence of this malice inside of me, they refuse to accept me completely. But I tell you. It is ALL ME. The good and the bad and the ugly. The really ugly. I work on simple values of integrity and can be shallow to a point.
So I apologize for when my self-esteem or repressed pride for the person I internally demand to be rears its ugly head. I know it's not pleasant to deal with but bear with me. I know I say mean things about myself and that I am too harsh. But that's why this journal existed in the first place. So I could express the sadness, the ugliness, the anger, and everything else I couldn't express openly before aside from peoples' comentary. No other reason other than that. I absolutely refuse to censor myself anymore unless I know it will really hurt someone I love, not including negative attitudes towards myself.
My mood and attitude will improve when the sun rises, when it won't drop below 0 degrees, when I hear from the people I feel don't care about me, or when my body chemicals balance out. Whatever exposure works first.
Or maybe when I can honestly say, without reservation, that I'm truly happy and proud of myself. I'd finally be able to see the people I was ashamed to present myself to and look at them with my smile that says I've fulfilled their expectations of me. I want to have faith in myself again. Can I really believe?
Until then, I'm going to try and be content with this type of quiet life I'm living now.
I need to keep in mind the words my English teacher spoke.
"Your value as a person is not determined by the things you've failed at."
But sometimes, it hurts so much that I don't ignore it.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
Please tell me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.