(no subject)
i've been fighting a constant battle with myself these last few days, and i dont want to give him the pleasure of knowing he hurt me, but i just have to write, because everytime i try to talk to someone.. i started crying and i have to hang up. i think in a way i am mad at myself because i let myself believe that he loved me, and that he would not hurt me, i guess i was so wrong. i mean i would understand a little better if the stuff he accused me of was true, but it isnt in any way, i mean if i remember correctly, i was the one who came to help him thursday night and he was the one who disappeared, i was the one who was on my way there with a few million things that would complete his life, and he is the one who told me to turn around. it just isnt fair to me, i dont know what to do, i cant even cry because i am so hurt, and that says alot. i wish i was capable of hurting someone like that, but all i did was love him, and believed him when he said he loved me. all i ever asked of him was... to not look like a fool in the end, and he promised i wouldnt, and guess who did? yes.. me again. 8 months is a long time to be with someone, just to be hurt so much. i know iwas not perfect but he was the one working so hard lately to fix things, and he was the one begging me to stay, and all that did was show me that maybe he does really love me and it made me fall in love a hundred times more. i mean it just hurts so bad, and i feel like i have no desire to talk to him, because i would only be hurt but i just want a way out.
ive decided that i am going to refuse treatment, and then by christmas, everyone will be happy, i mean really, everything that i loved, just totally fucked me over.
car dealerships dont take cars back as easy as.. say sears takes clothes back, i learned that today, so now i am just stuck with it i guess. i dont really know what to do, because all it does is remind me of him. i tried to contact charities but they dont take too many funds, so im fucked in that area too, i just dont know what to do anymore, i guess just sit here and hurt.
all that keeps playing over and over in my head is .. him saying "ericka, i am the only person who loves you, and i am the only person who even cares about helping you"
so much for that i guess. i am just way too hurt.
i guess that makes him happy hearing that though.
ive decided that i am going to refuse treatment, and then by christmas, everyone will be happy, i mean really, everything that i loved, just totally fucked me over.
car dealerships dont take cars back as easy as.. say sears takes clothes back, i learned that today, so now i am just stuck with it i guess. i dont really know what to do, because all it does is remind me of him. i tried to contact charities but they dont take too many funds, so im fucked in that area too, i just dont know what to do anymore, i guess just sit here and hurt.
all that keeps playing over and over in my head is .. him saying "ericka, i am the only person who loves you, and i am the only person who even cares about helping you"
so much for that i guess. i am just way too hurt.
i guess that makes him happy hearing that though.