We live in a world filled with conflicting messages.
"The pen is mightier than the sword" yet "action speaks louder than words". "Slow and steady wins the race" yet "the early bird catches the worm".
To be honest, I've been meaning to blog about my condition/situation lately for months. There has been a lot of internal conflict boiling up within me that being able to write it here, on the net, for everyone to see has left me torn up countless of times. I honestly don't know how to put down what I'm going through in words without sounding pathetic. My story is far from unique, but basically it is mine, and so it's unique to me.
A few weeks back, I attempted at committing suicide.
During the time of my turmoil, the idea of dying was the only solution I could see after the countless disappointments I received. My life has far from changed and my situation has not gotten any better. The worst part was that I was alone. Very, very much alone in my quest to at least understand what I was going through and overcome this. And as someone who grew up hating loneliness, the pain in my heart doubled.
Let me share with you something about that moment where I decided I could end my life: for a brief moment, the pain of being so alone and lost quickly disappeared as I began to choke myself. It felt as if all the chains that were keeping me in this world had finally let me go, and taking that step to dying would be totally worth it. I laughed, I was happy, I was keen on ending my life.
Looking back now, I know it was probably the most pathetic thing to have ever happened to me. It's cliched, like some drama movie where I went insane and started laughing after crying so hard that it physically hurt... except I didn't die. I lived. And no, there was no prince on a white horse, no superhero flying in to save me... nobody saved me.
After a long day, my plan to die was hazy and it needed more work. I was exhausted so I told myself to live for one more day... I can kill myself tomorrow. When I woke up, I knew something was terribly wrong with me and despite hesitating a heck load, I finally opened up about my condition.
But you know what I learnt from finally opening up? The very, very hard truth that I am ultimately alone in this world. And this is something that I've suffered from after being bullied as a child. I know I am not alone. I know I have people out there who love me and care about me. But the lonely feeling has never left me... instead, my parent's issues have highlighted that it never will. No matter what, I am meant to go through this path on my own.
It was only after I came to accept that I am truly meant to be alone, meaning I didn't struggle with the idea of it, I didn't hate myself for it, I didn't blame anyone or anything for it, did I finally became at peace with myself. And now the idea of dying is far from my mind.
But sometimes I sit here and wonder whether I am learning the wrong thing from everything I've been through, whether there's a conflicting message and I am taking the wrong one. There's no doubt that as a human, we were likely born alone and shall die one as well. That loneliness is something everyone goes through, and that it's not bad being alone either. In fact, you can focus better that way too.
Then you read messages of how you weren't meant to be alone, that you were meant to be a part of something... and yet I've never really felt that way. I feel like it's been forever since I ever felt connected to society and to the people around me. My best friends are in other countries, the one that's still here is doing her best to get the visa to leave. I still feel distant with any of the people I meet... like a glass keeps me separated them, something I may have created after experiencing too many betrayals and disappointments. One I wish I could take down, but I can't.
And so I sit here, within my glass walls, accepting that this is the way it is. And yet the conflicting messages bother me.
Do I keep trying to break down these walls, or are these walls saving me, protecting me until I am strong enough to finally let people in?
And as I try to look at a bigger perspective of my situation, it seems that I am currently doomed to continuously face these conflicting messages not just about me, but in almost everything that I do.
Which includes still being alive right now.
I suppose that's what growing up is about... I can only hope an answer will come to me soon. Or else, I guess crying at night isn't such a bad routine after all.