I think it's time to settle this once and for all...
So... on the day I contemplate whether I want to change my life and pursue the one thing I've always thought about and wanted to do for so long, I receive this comment:
You need to stop singing. sounds really awful although it would probably require someone like Simon Cowell to convince you no offense..
And I just sat here in my seat feeling the same dread and fear course through me.
Yes, I have been contemplating on getting back into singing again. And to be honest, that's one of the fears I've been struggling with recently.
I went to see this astrologer for my friend, who's now moved to Manchester for a year to see if she can make a living there. After getting all the information I needed to help her out, and seeing as there was still time, I took the plunge and asked if he could do a reading for me.
I... didn't really want to know that much about myself. I did it mostly because I wanted to know if my family situation was going to continue, and whether or not things will get better soon. In the end, not only did he tell me that my dark days will continue until I turn 27, he said I will actually be changing my career course when I turn 30.
This wouldn't have bothered me so much... if it wasn't for the fact that later on he began to ask if I was involved in music. I quickly denied it. I said I did small things like helped out in choirs, but never anything big, thinking that's pretty much what's counted anyways in terms of what I did music related.
I knew I was lying. He even said I had stars related to music, that I had a music inclination. And I just kept silent, pretty much signifying that I doubted it.
Days later, his question hounded me. And then I began to question myself... why did I deny I was involved in music? Or at least have a love for it? What am I so afraid of?
After some thinking, everything soon became clear to me. Why even now I'm so afraid to take up singing lessons, even though the possibility of me doing it now is higher and so much more possible.
I'm afraid that singing isn't really my talent. I'm afraid I've always been deluding myself that I can sing, that I'm good with music, when in reality I'm nothing more than average, and there is nothing I can do in terms of music. THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME IF I GET INVOLVED IN MUSIC.
The thing is, I love singing, but I never had a specific genre that I like that I can focus on to work at. And at this point I feel like it's too late. Besides, Malaysia is a terrible country for music, where English singers get little to no support. As much as I enjoy speaking Malay, there are very few Malay songs I can connect to, and if they are, they're not popular. Or are Indonesian. XD
Add on to the fact that I've posted myself singing online, and more often than not I've been greeted with hateful comments that just crush me. And though I've ranted about this before, I'm going to be honest and say I'm not really over it. And it was so obvious as I read the comment above and felt this painful stab in my heart.
I tried telling myself it's okay... maybe that person's right. My singing IS awful after all. I don't have a Disney sweet voice, one that can garner thousands of fans and gushes of love. But surely... surely I can still do something with my voice. There are people who love it after all...
But again, I found myself unable to recall the good comments.
It took a while, but I slowly began to figure my way around that hateful comment and why did it come to me on the day where I've finally decided I'd make a call to the voice lesson centre and give it a try. Just like before, I want to believe these hateful comments are there for a reason. Sure, YouTube is an asshole of a place, and every singer has their haters, yes... but this felt too much of a sign to me.
And then I read the comment again, "It'd probably take someone like Simon Cowell to convince you..."
Then it all came back to me. This person's right. No matter HOW many times people told me I suck, that I should die in a fire and that it sounds like I'm a monkey having its brains removed... the urge to sing is still there. The comments have done NOTHING to stop this feeling from me. It has done little to kill it, or even crush my subconscious dreams of wanting to just sing.
No matter what they say, it was never enough to convince me to stop. It only convinced me to be scared, to be afraid of what I really want to do for so long now. And as I'm taking more steps to change, I definitely do not want to be chained by my own fears created by strangers who claim to know more than me.
And Malaysia may not be the perfect country but I was BORN here for a reason. No matter how tough things are here, I know if I try hard enough I'll find my way around. There are still a lot of things I can learn here, like what I'm learning right now with my current job. And as the chance to get into music is there, there's no way I'm pushing it away.
I don't know where I'd be going taking such lessons, whether or not it'd be worth it or if I'm just wasting my time. I don't expect this to be the thing to change my career in 5 years time. I have my writing after all, I'm content to stick to it. But rather than continuously suppress my feelings and feel so miserable because of it, I think it's time I took that step forward.
It's time to finally let go of that fear, and finally do what I've always loved doing since I was a toddler. Sing.
Wish me luck. :)
You need to stop singing. sounds really awful although it would probably require someone like Simon Cowell to convince you no offense..
And I just sat here in my seat feeling the same dread and fear course through me.
Yes, I have been contemplating on getting back into singing again. And to be honest, that's one of the fears I've been struggling with recently.
I went to see this astrologer for my friend, who's now moved to Manchester for a year to see if she can make a living there. After getting all the information I needed to help her out, and seeing as there was still time, I took the plunge and asked if he could do a reading for me.
I... didn't really want to know that much about myself. I did it mostly because I wanted to know if my family situation was going to continue, and whether or not things will get better soon. In the end, not only did he tell me that my dark days will continue until I turn 27, he said I will actually be changing my career course when I turn 30.
This wouldn't have bothered me so much... if it wasn't for the fact that later on he began to ask if I was involved in music. I quickly denied it. I said I did small things like helped out in choirs, but never anything big, thinking that's pretty much what's counted anyways in terms of what I did music related.
I knew I was lying. He even said I had stars related to music, that I had a music inclination. And I just kept silent, pretty much signifying that I doubted it.
Days later, his question hounded me. And then I began to question myself... why did I deny I was involved in music? Or at least have a love for it? What am I so afraid of?
After some thinking, everything soon became clear to me. Why even now I'm so afraid to take up singing lessons, even though the possibility of me doing it now is higher and so much more possible.
I'm afraid that singing isn't really my talent. I'm afraid I've always been deluding myself that I can sing, that I'm good with music, when in reality I'm nothing more than average, and there is nothing I can do in terms of music. THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME IF I GET INVOLVED IN MUSIC.
The thing is, I love singing, but I never had a specific genre that I like that I can focus on to work at. And at this point I feel like it's too late. Besides, Malaysia is a terrible country for music, where English singers get little to no support. As much as I enjoy speaking Malay, there are very few Malay songs I can connect to, and if they are, they're not popular. Or are Indonesian. XD
Add on to the fact that I've posted myself singing online, and more often than not I've been greeted with hateful comments that just crush me. And though I've ranted about this before, I'm going to be honest and say I'm not really over it. And it was so obvious as I read the comment above and felt this painful stab in my heart.
I tried telling myself it's okay... maybe that person's right. My singing IS awful after all. I don't have a Disney sweet voice, one that can garner thousands of fans and gushes of love. But surely... surely I can still do something with my voice. There are people who love it after all...
But again, I found myself unable to recall the good comments.
It took a while, but I slowly began to figure my way around that hateful comment and why did it come to me on the day where I've finally decided I'd make a call to the voice lesson centre and give it a try. Just like before, I want to believe these hateful comments are there for a reason. Sure, YouTube is an asshole of a place, and every singer has their haters, yes... but this felt too much of a sign to me.
And then I read the comment again, "It'd probably take someone like Simon Cowell to convince you..."
Then it all came back to me. This person's right. No matter HOW many times people told me I suck, that I should die in a fire and that it sounds like I'm a monkey having its brains removed... the urge to sing is still there. The comments have done NOTHING to stop this feeling from me. It has done little to kill it, or even crush my subconscious dreams of wanting to just sing.
No matter what they say, it was never enough to convince me to stop. It only convinced me to be scared, to be afraid of what I really want to do for so long now. And as I'm taking more steps to change, I definitely do not want to be chained by my own fears created by strangers who claim to know more than me.
And Malaysia may not be the perfect country but I was BORN here for a reason. No matter how tough things are here, I know if I try hard enough I'll find my way around. There are still a lot of things I can learn here, like what I'm learning right now with my current job. And as the chance to get into music is there, there's no way I'm pushing it away.
I don't know where I'd be going taking such lessons, whether or not it'd be worth it or if I'm just wasting my time. I don't expect this to be the thing to change my career in 5 years time. I have my writing after all, I'm content to stick to it. But rather than continuously suppress my feelings and feel so miserable because of it, I think it's time I took that step forward.
It's time to finally let go of that fear, and finally do what I've always loved doing since I was a toddler. Sing.
Wish me luck. :)