I am redeemed.
Click to viewEvery tree has got her root
And every girl forbidden fruit
And got her demons
And the path I chose to go
A different girl so long ago
I had my reasons...
It took years for me to realize how weak and scared I was as I grew up. It was easy for me to blame it on those around me, on the ones who bullied me and made me feel as if I was incompetent, to my parents who constantly looked down on me and made me feel as if I could never be enough. I chose to hide constantly, hating myself and wishing I was someone else.
It has taken years, and sometimes I couldn't help but think I would not have wasted those years if only I had come to acknowledge myself at the time.
And she's in my head so loud
And screaming,
"Shouldn't you be proud of what you came from?
Oh you've been crippled and you've walked and
You've been shut up and you talked
So let's talk some more..."
Because it was easy for me to claim as if my struggles are nothing more but dramatically enhanced settings that are nothing more than daily occurrences to those who watch from the outside. But no, only now do I realise that seeing what I went through in such a light manner will not help me grow. My struggles are what make me who I am today. I had a hard time in the first half of 2011, facing my parent's issues, having my car stolen, and being forced to question my own self worth...
Where is the hand
For me to reach?
Where is the moral
I'll never teach myself?
In all the black
In all the grief
I am redeemed...
So many times, I'm forced to sit up and wonder, "Why is this happening to me? What am I supposed to learn from this? Did I do something to deserve all this pain?" More often than not, I'm forced to contend with the fact that I will never know the answers now, which only adds on to the pain.
And it's ripping at my heart
Because I'm dodging all the darts
And on a slow train
And then I'll wear it 'til it tatters
And it shatters on the floor
In instant replay...
So I put on a strong face, for my parents, for my family, for my colleague's. It felt as if the pain would never end, so I forced myself forward until I was running, chasing something I never really knew. I just kept running until everything finally shattered around me, and then I was forced to stop and pick up the pieces.
Oh, we're all rotten
And we're pure
And we're just looking for the cure
That feels like spring snow
And all we have is who we are
And where we been got us this far
So let me go...
As I picked up the broken pieces of my life and try to put it back together, I knew it was never going to be the same again. Mixed in the broken pieces are added knowledge of how life really worked, how terrible the world truly is, and how I in reality I am nothing more than a powerless being with weaknesses that I am ashamed of.
I am human. But despite this horrible knowledge, I smiled. I laughed. I wrote. I sang. I danced.
I was happy. I lived.
Where is the hand
For me to reach?
Where is the moral
I'll never teach myself?
In all the black
In all the grief
Through all the pain
And unbelief
These are the words
That they all scream...
I admit, I am still that weak being. I will have my moments where I want to break down and hold on to my old fears that have held me back for years. There is still so much for me to learn, and I know I have more obstacles to face with lessons that may continue to elude me for many years.
But I will take on 2012 and the years to come with my head held high. Because I know that through all the pain and tears, through all the adversities and self-doubts, through all the uncertainties and hopelessness...
I AM REDEEMED.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! I hope 2011 was a great year for you all and that despite any obstacles and adversities you've faced in that year, you have all managed to find some form of happiness.
I am wishing the same thing for you all in 2012, with extra amount of happiness and love for everyone as we take more steps forward! I'm hoping to achieve a lot more this year than I did in the last, which will be quite a feat, I know. XD But I'll do my best!
Take care everyone and have a great celebration!