"Fear Not."
At work, this guy found a ring in a theater. He brought it over to my little area where a girl I work with and I were talking. He sat in on the counter and we were trying it on. It didn't fit on any of her fingers, but it fit perfectly on my thumb. (I have little hands.) We both liked it, but she said I could have it if I wanted it and left it with me. When I saw it sitting on the back table, I put it on and wore it the rest of the night. Since last night when that happened, I've been thinking a lot about what it could mean. It could meant nothing, but it could mean so much more. You see, after my mom passed away 13 months ago, I feel like she guided us with signs. Like when my dad was finding her burial plot, there were several roses laying in one spot. Then the next morning, there were roses on our back porch. I didn't tell my dad, but I saw them and hid them in my room. When we buried her, there were more roses. And at her calling hours, we found a little porcelain angel in her hands. We asked around, but nobody claimed it to say that they had left it there. What I'm wondering is if my mother was speaking to me. I'm wondering if this is her sign. For the past few months, I have been wondering if she really cared anymore or if I should stop believing in the so-called after life. I had my heart broken and shredded to pieces. I honestly don't know how I got strength to deal with it all. I did, though. I was looking forward to my birthday. My excitement was like a child's. I was giddy, dancing around my room the night before and throughout the day until something slowed me down. I'm not sure what that was exactly. My friend Tom, who had cancer but it's hopefully gone completely, came down to see me and I had a nice time just seeing him. I did everything I could to make him feel better, but my mood kept getting worse. Last night after work, I went to this kid Leo's house. I saw an ex, someone that hurt me so deeply, with his pregnant girlfriend and I was fine. I felt notihng. I used to be afraid to go anywhere where I knew he could be and I was fine. School is terrible, but I think that's just because the month off got me a little bit lazy. I met someone tonight and I'm afraid of what that could lead to because this is someone I actually like. His personality, his response to me, the way he's talked to me so far, even his terms of endearment over a game of pool with a friend of mine and I. I don't like every guy, I don't get into things easily, and I definitely don't admire everything about a guy anymore. I had so much fun, but when I realized what I was doing I suddenly got very nervous. So if my mom was sending me a sign, telling me something in the way she can, then what should I not fear? Should I not fear caring about someone in general, or this someone specific? Should I not fear seeing someone that I felt so much for before? Should I not fear school? Should I not fear that a friend was so close to death without me knowing? Or is it just that I should not fear the fact that she's gone in real life, but she's still close in the after life? Maybe I just think way too much into things.
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I wrote that on myspace and I wanted to post it in here too just so everyone here can look at it if they'd like.
So to go on with life...
My birthday was alright. Of course, it feels no different being 19 then it felt being 18. I'm sure the same thing goes for my next birthday. Though I know 21 might be an interesting birthday, I'm not really looking forward to it. I don't feel older, I don't feel better, I don't feel smarter, I don't feel happier, I don't feel any less stressed out. So really, why have birthdays?
I met this guy Steve and the other night Liane, Steve and I went out to dinner and played some pool. Steve and I teamed up against Liane and we were both terrible but we beat her anyways. Then last night, he came over and we watched a movie. It was cute. =)
Hmmmm...really that's it besides already being stressed out over classes. Buh-byes.