(no subject)
Hey Livejournal.
I guess I haven’t posted in a while. It’s because I’ve been messing up a lot lately. I can’t be too detailed about what I’ve done because there are a few too many people who creep this journal... but trust me... it’s been rough.
So I don’t know where to start. I first want to start off by saying that for some reason I’m just angry all the time. I’m not angry in any monumental way, but just this steady discontent cynical stream of anger yet one step away from apathy. I guess it just stems from the past month. This past month I appealed to the orange side of my personality and I can’t determine if it was worth it or not. Needless to say, a lot of drama happened - a lot of boys, a lot of discussion, a lot of mistakes. Whatever though because in the end I got exactly out of the situations what I wanted. It all came at the cost of some dignity with a the addition of a few scary memories. But here I am... with a bit of an ego boost, some good short-term moments, and being the person I thought I wanted to be.
I’m not sure though that I don’t want to be the person I’ve been the past month. It’s weird. I’ve always known that at one point in my life I was going to ask the ultimate question again... Is this what I want? If you know me you know that I am a goal driven person. I look towards the future nonstop. I’m basically bizzaro Gatsby. So right... I have this goal of what I want the end of my life to look like and then I have these concrete steps on how to get there. I just can’t help but feeling though that these steps skip over life. Is it worth it to get to my dream if I don’t like how I get there? Do I make the choices that make me happy or do I make the choices that may make me happy in the future? How much do I have to postpone my happiness? I don’t know. The cost benefit analysis is a bit too tough on this one. I put in my declaration of graduation for both my majors officially yesterday and I guess I’m just freaking out. There is so much I haven’t done yet and so much I know I need to do (Capitol Scholars essays -_-;). It’s so hard to do it though when you are in the middle of an existential quarter-life crisis. But anyways, that’s just problem one... and I know nearly every college kid feels like this but shh.
Anyways, so I hit problem two. So we all know my relationships have been complete failures this year. Between that and the fact that I won’t be here this summer (hopefully), I was ready just to do things for fun. In fact, I’ve made a lot of decisions lately that support the idea that I’m not looking for anything serious. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed making these types of decisions (except for the time I led a guy on), but now I’m rethinking it all. I’ve done a lot of self-examination in the past week. Right now, I’m just looking for a chill guy... the type of guy where you can just sit back and watch some good comedies on a few Friday nights. But, I really don’t want to put my heart out there and then just have it end at the summer. After all, the newest addition to my top fears is that I’ll never have a relationship that will last past a month. So yeah... I guess I’m at odds with the present vs future ordeal again. Do what I want or what I know I’ll want in the future?
But there are a few positives that have sprung from the past month. All of this self reflection gives me time to clean my room. Yay me for cleaning it four times in under four weeeks. The other big positive is that my self-esteem is kind of a big deal right now.
Despite all of these positives and negatives, though, I feel like I’m stagnating. Goodness knows how much stuff I’ve done this past month ... I’ve probably done more shit this month than in my whole high school life put together. Nothing is changing. I’m growing up, but people from the past keep coming back. I’m still reading the generic political science stuff and I’m still an RA. Nothing is new. Partying feels stale and guys are all the same. What now? I’m not sure if having a future goal is good enough to drive me anymore. Give me something new world. Toss a curveball my way, but make sure that it is one I can hit. Keep me interested.
I guess I haven’t posted in a while. It’s because I’ve been messing up a lot lately. I can’t be too detailed about what I’ve done because there are a few too many people who creep this journal... but trust me... it’s been rough.
So I don’t know where to start. I first want to start off by saying that for some reason I’m just angry all the time. I’m not angry in any monumental way, but just this steady discontent cynical stream of anger yet one step away from apathy. I guess it just stems from the past month. This past month I appealed to the orange side of my personality and I can’t determine if it was worth it or not. Needless to say, a lot of drama happened - a lot of boys, a lot of discussion, a lot of mistakes. Whatever though because in the end I got exactly out of the situations what I wanted. It all came at the cost of some dignity with a the addition of a few scary memories. But here I am... with a bit of an ego boost, some good short-term moments, and being the person I thought I wanted to be.
I’m not sure though that I don’t want to be the person I’ve been the past month. It’s weird. I’ve always known that at one point in my life I was going to ask the ultimate question again... Is this what I want? If you know me you know that I am a goal driven person. I look towards the future nonstop. I’m basically bizzaro Gatsby. So right... I have this goal of what I want the end of my life to look like and then I have these concrete steps on how to get there. I just can’t help but feeling though that these steps skip over life. Is it worth it to get to my dream if I don’t like how I get there? Do I make the choices that make me happy or do I make the choices that may make me happy in the future? How much do I have to postpone my happiness? I don’t know. The cost benefit analysis is a bit too tough on this one. I put in my declaration of graduation for both my majors officially yesterday and I guess I’m just freaking out. There is so much I haven’t done yet and so much I know I need to do (Capitol Scholars essays -_-;). It’s so hard to do it though when you are in the middle of an existential quarter-life crisis. But anyways, that’s just problem one... and I know nearly every college kid feels like this but shh.
Anyways, so I hit problem two. So we all know my relationships have been complete failures this year. Between that and the fact that I won’t be here this summer (hopefully), I was ready just to do things for fun. In fact, I’ve made a lot of decisions lately that support the idea that I’m not looking for anything serious. And don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed making these types of decisions (except for the time I led a guy on), but now I’m rethinking it all. I’ve done a lot of self-examination in the past week. Right now, I’m just looking for a chill guy... the type of guy where you can just sit back and watch some good comedies on a few Friday nights. But, I really don’t want to put my heart out there and then just have it end at the summer. After all, the newest addition to my top fears is that I’ll never have a relationship that will last past a month. So yeah... I guess I’m at odds with the present vs future ordeal again. Do what I want or what I know I’ll want in the future?
But there are a few positives that have sprung from the past month. All of this self reflection gives me time to clean my room. Yay me for cleaning it four times in under four weeeks. The other big positive is that my self-esteem is kind of a big deal right now.
Despite all of these positives and negatives, though, I feel like I’m stagnating. Goodness knows how much stuff I’ve done this past month ... I’ve probably done more shit this month than in my whole high school life put together. Nothing is changing. I’m growing up, but people from the past keep coming back. I’m still reading the generic political science stuff and I’m still an RA. Nothing is new. Partying feels stale and guys are all the same. What now? I’m not sure if having a future goal is good enough to drive me anymore. Give me something new world. Toss a curveball my way, but make sure that it is one I can hit. Keep me interested.