(no subject)
my life is honestly a cruel joke.
so things with Bill have been going wonderfully, we told eachother how we felt, and decided to go on our first date Saturday when he comes back from New York (where he'll be working until December 22nd) so i should be happy, right? i thought so, too. and i really was until i found out he had a vasectomy a few years back (he already has two kids from a previous marriage). at first, it didn't really phase me...but now that i've had more time to process it, it seriously bothers me. and i've come to the realization that i resent people who get vasectomies or tie their tubes so they can't have children. i didn't get to choose, and even though there's a slight chance i could get pregnant, being able to not have them is a more realistic possibility. which isn't to say i'm not going to try my very hardest, and that's something i really want for my life. i want a family of my own. i know it seems crazy to be thinking about this with a guy i haven't even gone on an official date with yet, but unfortunately these are the type of things i'm forced to consider, even at 22. i don't get the luxury of seeing what happens. i can't casually date with the risk of falling in love with a man who can't have children. i've always considered adoption, but i really want to try to have at least one child of my own with the person i spend my life with...it's just something that's always been important to me. so why, when i FINALLY put Johna behind me and find a guy who's so wonderful, i can't be with him? at least long-term anyway, and everyone knows i'm not a casual dater. if i'm going to be with someone, it's because i see them as a potential forever kind of guy. he can't give me the forever i'm looking for and that sucks. i'm so miserable right now.
so things with Bill have been going wonderfully, we told eachother how we felt, and decided to go on our first date Saturday when he comes back from New York (where he'll be working until December 22nd) so i should be happy, right? i thought so, too. and i really was until i found out he had a vasectomy a few years back (he already has two kids from a previous marriage). at first, it didn't really phase me...but now that i've had more time to process it, it seriously bothers me. and i've come to the realization that i resent people who get vasectomies or tie their tubes so they can't have children. i didn't get to choose, and even though there's a slight chance i could get pregnant, being able to not have them is a more realistic possibility. which isn't to say i'm not going to try my very hardest, and that's something i really want for my life. i want a family of my own. i know it seems crazy to be thinking about this with a guy i haven't even gone on an official date with yet, but unfortunately these are the type of things i'm forced to consider, even at 22. i don't get the luxury of seeing what happens. i can't casually date with the risk of falling in love with a man who can't have children. i've always considered adoption, but i really want to try to have at least one child of my own with the person i spend my life with...it's just something that's always been important to me. so why, when i FINALLY put Johna behind me and find a guy who's so wonderful, i can't be with him? at least long-term anyway, and everyone knows i'm not a casual dater. if i'm going to be with someone, it's because i see them as a potential forever kind of guy. he can't give me the forever i'm looking for and that sucks. i'm so miserable right now.