been so long I've been hopelessly confused
This will make no sense to anyone. Don't read it, it's just me complaining and making no sense 'cause I don't feel like explaining it.
Man, I'm so miserable. I don't know why I try to pretend there's nothing wrong, that everything is just dandy. I'm so horribly unhappy. I try really hard...every single day to keep a smile on my face, I try very hard to not let things drag me down, but I can't fight everything. Nobody even listens. But why should they? I never help anyone else, so I guess this is just punishment for my mistakes. I've made so many, I'll be miserable the rest of my life. Besides, even if I told people, I can't expect them to solve my problems for me. I tell my parents that I'm unhappy, but they don't say anything. They don't give me one piece of advice. All my father says is, "What about graduating early?" or "Talk to your councelor to see if you can graduate early." My all time favorite is, "It's almost over." Wtf, that doesn't make me feel better at all. I can't be mad at him though, it's not easy to make people feel better. Maybe it's because I feel so alienated. My friends are so different, they don't even realize it. They don't even realize how hard it is for me to be around them, how hard it is for me to hold my opinions about their stupid decisions. What does it matter anyway? What happened, happened... I can't do anything about it now, I only wish I had been around before they made those decisions. I would have tried so hard to talk them out of it... I never thought they'd do any of the things they're doing now. Apparently I don't know my friends at all anymore, maybe I never did. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I don't even know what I'm so angry about, their stupid decisions or their great changes. Maybe I'm not even angry at all, I'm just... find it less appealing to talk to both of them. I want to crawl into a hole... I can't even talk to them, I just have to pretend nothing is bothering me. I tried bringing it up, but it doesn't phase them at all. When I talked to them about how I found out something that I thought they'd tell me about FROM SOMEONE ELSE, they just laughed and joked like it was no big deal. Like it didn't hurt my feelings at all that I found out from someone else. This was so long ago... but it just won't go away! I thought if I ignored it and kept pretending I was okay, this problem would dissapear. But I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm fine... "The longer that I wait, the more selfish I get." I'm trying so hard to like them again, to salvage the normal mood we had before they changed. I'm doing a fine job so far, they have no idea something's wrong with me. So... I guess I'll let this bug drive me mad until I figure out what to do. Writing about this helps me so much... though it makes me sad at the same time. It's not the sex, it's the changes. They're different people now, weather they see it or not. I don't even know HALF of what's going on with them anymore... if I did, I'd go mad. I'm already insane enough... I need to find my stillness in time...
"This could never really end,
It's infineatly sad.
Could someone tell me when,
something good became so bad?
If you have a cure,
to me would you please send
a picture of my life
with a letter telling how
it should really be instead."
-Jamiroquai (Picture Of My Life)
Man, I'm so miserable. I don't know why I try to pretend there's nothing wrong, that everything is just dandy. I'm so horribly unhappy. I try really hard...every single day to keep a smile on my face, I try very hard to not let things drag me down, but I can't fight everything. Nobody even listens. But why should they? I never help anyone else, so I guess this is just punishment for my mistakes. I've made so many, I'll be miserable the rest of my life. Besides, even if I told people, I can't expect them to solve my problems for me. I tell my parents that I'm unhappy, but they don't say anything. They don't give me one piece of advice. All my father says is, "What about graduating early?" or "Talk to your councelor to see if you can graduate early." My all time favorite is, "It's almost over." Wtf, that doesn't make me feel better at all. I can't be mad at him though, it's not easy to make people feel better. Maybe it's because I feel so alienated. My friends are so different, they don't even realize it. They don't even realize how hard it is for me to be around them, how hard it is for me to hold my opinions about their stupid decisions. What does it matter anyway? What happened, happened... I can't do anything about it now, I only wish I had been around before they made those decisions. I would have tried so hard to talk them out of it... I never thought they'd do any of the things they're doing now. Apparently I don't know my friends at all anymore, maybe I never did. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I don't even know what I'm so angry about, their stupid decisions or their great changes. Maybe I'm not even angry at all, I'm just... find it less appealing to talk to both of them. I want to crawl into a hole... I can't even talk to them, I just have to pretend nothing is bothering me. I tried bringing it up, but it doesn't phase them at all. When I talked to them about how I found out something that I thought they'd tell me about FROM SOMEONE ELSE, they just laughed and joked like it was no big deal. Like it didn't hurt my feelings at all that I found out from someone else. This was so long ago... but it just won't go away! I thought if I ignored it and kept pretending I was okay, this problem would dissapear. But I can't even fool myself into thinking I'm fine... "The longer that I wait, the more selfish I get." I'm trying so hard to like them again, to salvage the normal mood we had before they changed. I'm doing a fine job so far, they have no idea something's wrong with me. So... I guess I'll let this bug drive me mad until I figure out what to do. Writing about this helps me so much... though it makes me sad at the same time. It's not the sex, it's the changes. They're different people now, weather they see it or not. I don't even know HALF of what's going on with them anymore... if I did, I'd go mad. I'm already insane enough... I need to find my stillness in time...
"This could never really end,
It's infineatly sad.
Could someone tell me when,
something good became so bad?
If you have a cure,
to me would you please send
a picture of my life
with a letter telling how
it should really be instead."
-Jamiroquai (Picture Of My Life)