Comments | cherry_halos: [Fic] Business Trip

cherry_tiger in cherry_halos

[Fic] Business Trip

Oct 11, 2010 09:14

Title: Business Trip

Rating: M/NC-17 (Please take note of this!)

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters used here. They belong to their respective owners, namely the creators of Eyeshield 21.

Summary: After being away for 3 months, Hiruma Youichi really misses his wife. And boy, does he show it.

( You better be home. )

fandom: eyeshield 21, fanfic, pairing: hirumamo

Comments 20

bar_ohki October 11 2010, 01:54:02 UTC

Excellent smut. The right amount of description of the action, the emotion, and the led-in was perfect. ^^

cherry_tiger October 11 2010, 02:05:57 UTC

R-really? It wasn't weird or awkward? *breathes a sigh of relief* Oh thank goodness! I'm so glad that you enjoyed this! Well, that's one goal completed! Yay!

bar_ohki October 11 2010, 02:11:22 UTC

Yay for a mission accomplished!

...Wait, that was a goal?

cherry_tiger October 11 2010, 02:19:55 UTC

Hahaha! It actually kinda... was? Since the beginning of the year, really, not long after I finally got back to fic writing. I really wanted to try my hand at smut writing (or just something mature). But for some reason, every story I had in mind never really needed it.

I mean, I was even asking friends for prompts for some moments that could lead to smut! (Thank god, they're open minded!) So I guess for me to pull this out on my birthday's quite an interesting feat. And you confirming it's good is like a really nice present on my ability to write. ^^

Thread 9

dayofcaligula October 11 2010, 10:32:28 UTC

Hm, what can I say, it's a little too narrative for sex me. Plus, they're married, you don't have to put emphasis on their love in your transitions. It would've been better if you have a climax where the love aspect could be. Hiruma was a little OOC, but who cares... this is definitely hot sex!

cherry_tiger October 11 2010, 12:41:05 UTC

Ah, yeah... I wondered if I should have put in more of a story and focused more on their feelings. But this turned out to be more of an exercise for me to just write hot smut with a somewhat flimsy idea, I suppose. XD I'll do my best to write using a better premise next time. I just hope you enjoyed it somehow and that my over-descriptiveness wasn't too distracting!

tashlliya October 18 2010, 21:17:56 UTC

I like both hotness and plot, he probably wouldn't say he needs her if there wasn't decent time apart involved, and it is so sweet too <3

cherry_tiger October 19 2010, 00:46:06 UTC

Aww, I'm really glad you enjoyed this! Yeah, he pretty much learnt to appreciate her more after their time apart. XD It's an interesting concept to me.

bluewitch143 December 12 2010, 00:08:02 UTC

freaking hot!

Yoh! Mei Vir! XD wacky_jam0902 November 15 2011, 08:00:14 UTC

So... This was the smut fic you were talking about. Cool. It's quite steamy and hot with passion from the both of them. Having not seen your wife for so long with definitely make you feel like eating them.. hahahaha.. XD

Although, I noticed the timeline changed at the end? You said 3 months then Mamori said 2 months... Err.. Yeah. Just noticed it. Another thing you might want to use some other terms when it comes to their actions.. Instead of using the word "rubbing" again on the second part. You can use the word "grinding". XD

Overall you did a wonderful job on this one. -thumbs up tigress-

Re: Yoh! Mei Vir! XD cherry_tiger November 15 2011, 08:12:24 UTC

Oh wow... LOL! I didn't notice I made such a glaring mistake with the timeline (and it's hilarious how no one initially noticed it either)... nice catch max!

And yeah, one of my issues were the words used to describe a lot of the actions. It came to the point where, as I feared, I was probably being a bit too descriptive here. But hey, it's my first full out smut fic, so I thought I'd go full out as well. XD I'll do my best to not be too repetitive in the next one.

Glad you like it! ^^

Re: Yoh! Mei Vir! XD wacky_jam0902 November 15 2011, 08:18:51 UTC

No problem. You are an excellent writer. I'm sure you can pull off another smut fic if you wanted to. And you weren't that too descriptive. Actually it find it very entertaining. It gives you a vivid image of what's really going on.. hahahaha.. XD

I laughed at "skin slapping skin". XD

Re: Yoh! Mei Vir! XD cherry_tiger November 15 2011, 08:23:36 UTC

Bwahaha! Oh god, I read some Zutara smut fics and one person commented about how people always forget the sound effects of "skin slapping skin". So I thought "Oh! I better take note of this!" and kept it in here. It's one of the things, upon reading it after a year, I realize I really didn't have to be this descriptive (among other things, yeesh!). LOL!!! XD

Thanks for pointing these little things out, anything else to help me improve would definitely be great!

Thread 6