(no subject)
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. one minute you tell me that you miss me & you want me around, the next you say you don't know how to act around me. i know you don't mean to, but you're hurting me. there is so much going on in my head - everyone knows most of it except you, and you're the only person i want to tell. i was stupid to expect that you'd stick around regardless.
sometimes i don't even want to say "hi". every time we speak i have to stop myself from blurting out the truth. it's easy, i lie. strings of sentences that don't make sense; "i loved you like you love me, once", "sometimes i look at people on the street and i wonder what it'd be like to have sex with them", "i should never have let him get away", "her advice cannot compare to yours" ... "i still love him".
it's all bullshit; at least i wish it was. everyone has been complimenting me lately. stupid things, like how my hair looks, or what i'm wearing. some of them run deeper, but not many.
"you're being so strong".
they all sound the same - they all go stale, after a while. i feel like running away from everything and starting all over. there'd be no point, you realise, because it doesn't matter where i am or who i'm with; he just will not go away. i said some things yesterday that i regret. i wasn't lying, i should have just kept it to myself. played my cards closer to my chest, i guess. i should never give people the power to let themselves back in, they'll only hurt me, intentionally or otherwise. i let you back in after every drunken mistake. i don't regret it, i just wish you'd appreciate it. i wish i was enough to make you happy from where i am.
p.s. i keep dreaming about a boy i've never even met.