De Profundis III
I’ve come to realize that this a very insecure stage of my life. Hopefully it will pass by the time I return the States since two large problems are weighing me down at home. However, I’ve been going through many stressful events and allowing each one to pile on top of the other with no chance of resolving any of them. I’m overwhelmed and overworked from it. The snowball effect of my inner worries is affecting my personality quite severely; it’s turning me into something that resembles an airhead only concerned about her outer appearance. In my defense, my outer appearance is the only thing that isn’t on my list of concerns and I feel good about the way my body is developing. I am not happy with how my mind is reacting to my stress level which I can only seem to reduce for a few hours at a time - maybe that‘s why I‘ve been sleeping so much.
The deterioration of my mother’s mind is aggravating as hell. It’s not that she’s becoming senile, I don’t really know how to explain it. Her emotions are much more in control than her reasoning capabilities and anything that could possibly occur in a conversation or a daily situation is subject to extreme emotional outbursts. Every feeling she has is amplified to the extreme with no apparent logical explanation. Any confrontation with her emotional state leads to a massive argument never based in common sense and always showing pangs of paranoia and extreme hatred of the non-American. Everything seems to have gone downhill since the death of my Spanish grandmother and the reading of her will (uber long fight resulting in a redistribution of inheritance). That was the trigger in my mother’s regular bouts of hysteria and paranoia. She has an obscene obsession with my aunt and her treachery, to the point where she believes it’s my father’s fault he even has a sister. She’s turned the gazillion pets we have at home into her “children” seeing how she is very disappointed that neither my brother nor I are producing any offspring to satisfy her desire to be a grandmother. It’s actually quite unbelievable how much care she gives these pets - she boils chicken for the dogs 3 times a day! She has no grasp of modern technology and turns hysterical when she doesn’t understand something going on while she’s using the computer (My dad hadn’t logged out of his hotmail account and when she tried to check her email she ended up in his. She was so confused and paranoid about people seeing her email that she now refuses to use the computer at home). What I don’t understand is that she worked on computers constantly in the Navy transmitting messages and whatnot with systems much more complicated (I.e required special training, not user-friendly) than modern interface style that basically operates by clicking on a picture. She refuses to leave the house unless she has an important errand to do, complaining of the heat - but she won’t use our nice pool because it’s “dirty Spanish water.” She’s disappointed as hell that I can’t find a job and don’t have a driver’s license. Instead of praise for getting great grades at a damn fine college, she’s obsessed with the fact that I don’t live the life of a typical 16 year old American kid. There was a point when I had the patience to deal with her for a little while, now I don’t. Each day I think, this is it, I can’t be pushed any further, I will snap. But once again, I assume the cold visage.
With the Tomas situation, we spoke once while I was in Madrid for two weeks and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad. It was a refreshing break from worrying whether or not I’d have to turn my face awkwardly that night but I don’t want our friendship to fade away. However, if cutting himself off completely from me is what he needs then alright, let him do it. I want him to have a love life that doesn’t involve him comparing his flings with me. He needs to take me off this pedestal that I’m really uncomfortable being on and looking into new romantic interests. When I last saw him we parted on horrible terms. I was trashed, he drove me home on my moped which meant he ended up walking home from my house and walking back to the bar in the morning for his own moped. His main goal of the night was to get me to vent - which pissed me off because I will vent when I damn well need to vent. He insists on being my crying shoulder when I have no desire to cry nor am asking for a shoulder for anything. He frustrated me so completely that I lashed out at him, slammed him against a wall, and meekly started beating his chest with my fists before sitting in a corner and demanding that I get my keys back to open my door (which he wouldn‘t do for 15 minutes). He stormed off as I stumbled into my house and passed out in my bed. The day before I left for Madrid he texted me to attempt a reconciliation or explanation of what happened that night. I evaded it with a very poignant, “Sorry, I can’t.” Yet again, another situation wearing me out because I want the friendship to be there, but the other emotions aren’t mutual.
With the stalker situation… oy. I went out last night to meet up with some friends at a bar. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. Quite promptly I found myself on the ground with a throbbing eye and cheek as the crowd was acting wildly. Turns out the bastard punched me so hard I fell right on the ground, was dazed for a good minute, and the crowd pushed him out of the bar. Fortunately nothing is broken this time and my foot is in much better shape now from the previous incident (no more limp!). I went to the police and filed a report to no avail - they’re more concerned with deducting points from people’s licenses than protecting someone from a person trying to kill her. Right now the eye and cheek are very swollen with hefty bruising showing up. I look mangled which is now another reason for me to stay at home (where I get to deal with my mother and lack of ever quest for entertainment). After two weeks I had finally started to relax and sincerely believe that all this would just fade away. But on my first night back in the south I already encounter physical danger. Once again the Fates have decided that I am to be eternally miserable in my hometown.
And I’ve already expressed my extreme dread of the future. The first goal on my list when I return to MoHo is to finally get my driver’s license. I have to figure out what to do with my NY permit, hopefully they’ll just switch it to a Mass permit without making me retake the written test (how annoying!). Then I have to figure out how to even get to the DMV which is in another town (anyone willing to drive a helpless foreigner for a good cause?). Then I need MoHo to give me a letter proving my residence in Mass. Next I have to contact the driving school about lessons and to find out if I can use their car and person as sponsor for my road test (cause I don’t know who of my friends who are 21+ with an accessible car would be willing to come along, but any volunteers would be greatly appreciated). After all that, hopefully I’ll have a license. And then I get to worry about getting a car and insurance and all that, which in all likelihood I’m gonna need help from my father who won’t physically be in the States until December. I don’t know what I’m doing with all this transportation nonsense…I might not end up with a car until Christmas.
Next up is worrying about the GRE which doesn’t have a testing center in the vicinity. After that I get to consider when I want to go to grad school, if I want to grad school, what I want to go to grad school for, etc. Then I must compel myself to live in the CDC and attend every career event they provide since I am completely at a loss. I feel so completely useless to the working society that I’m in a state of panic.
I’ll never be a functioning adult at this rate.
“What is hope? Nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of.” - Byron
The deterioration of my mother’s mind is aggravating as hell. It’s not that she’s becoming senile, I don’t really know how to explain it. Her emotions are much more in control than her reasoning capabilities and anything that could possibly occur in a conversation or a daily situation is subject to extreme emotional outbursts. Every feeling she has is amplified to the extreme with no apparent logical explanation. Any confrontation with her emotional state leads to a massive argument never based in common sense and always showing pangs of paranoia and extreme hatred of the non-American. Everything seems to have gone downhill since the death of my Spanish grandmother and the reading of her will (uber long fight resulting in a redistribution of inheritance). That was the trigger in my mother’s regular bouts of hysteria and paranoia. She has an obscene obsession with my aunt and her treachery, to the point where she believes it’s my father’s fault he even has a sister. She’s turned the gazillion pets we have at home into her “children” seeing how she is very disappointed that neither my brother nor I are producing any offspring to satisfy her desire to be a grandmother. It’s actually quite unbelievable how much care she gives these pets - she boils chicken for the dogs 3 times a day! She has no grasp of modern technology and turns hysterical when she doesn’t understand something going on while she’s using the computer (My dad hadn’t logged out of his hotmail account and when she tried to check her email she ended up in his. She was so confused and paranoid about people seeing her email that she now refuses to use the computer at home). What I don’t understand is that she worked on computers constantly in the Navy transmitting messages and whatnot with systems much more complicated (I.e required special training, not user-friendly) than modern interface style that basically operates by clicking on a picture. She refuses to leave the house unless she has an important errand to do, complaining of the heat - but she won’t use our nice pool because it’s “dirty Spanish water.” She’s disappointed as hell that I can’t find a job and don’t have a driver’s license. Instead of praise for getting great grades at a damn fine college, she’s obsessed with the fact that I don’t live the life of a typical 16 year old American kid. There was a point when I had the patience to deal with her for a little while, now I don’t. Each day I think, this is it, I can’t be pushed any further, I will snap. But once again, I assume the cold visage.
With the Tomas situation, we spoke once while I was in Madrid for two weeks and I can’t tell if that’s good or bad. It was a refreshing break from worrying whether or not I’d have to turn my face awkwardly that night but I don’t want our friendship to fade away. However, if cutting himself off completely from me is what he needs then alright, let him do it. I want him to have a love life that doesn’t involve him comparing his flings with me. He needs to take me off this pedestal that I’m really uncomfortable being on and looking into new romantic interests. When I last saw him we parted on horrible terms. I was trashed, he drove me home on my moped which meant he ended up walking home from my house and walking back to the bar in the morning for his own moped. His main goal of the night was to get me to vent - which pissed me off because I will vent when I damn well need to vent. He insists on being my crying shoulder when I have no desire to cry nor am asking for a shoulder for anything. He frustrated me so completely that I lashed out at him, slammed him against a wall, and meekly started beating his chest with my fists before sitting in a corner and demanding that I get my keys back to open my door (which he wouldn‘t do for 15 minutes). He stormed off as I stumbled into my house and passed out in my bed. The day before I left for Madrid he texted me to attempt a reconciliation or explanation of what happened that night. I evaded it with a very poignant, “Sorry, I can’t.” Yet again, another situation wearing me out because I want the friendship to be there, but the other emotions aren’t mutual.
With the stalker situation… oy. I went out last night to meet up with some friends at a bar. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. Quite promptly I found myself on the ground with a throbbing eye and cheek as the crowd was acting wildly. Turns out the bastard punched me so hard I fell right on the ground, was dazed for a good minute, and the crowd pushed him out of the bar. Fortunately nothing is broken this time and my foot is in much better shape now from the previous incident (no more limp!). I went to the police and filed a report to no avail - they’re more concerned with deducting points from people’s licenses than protecting someone from a person trying to kill her. Right now the eye and cheek are very swollen with hefty bruising showing up. I look mangled which is now another reason for me to stay at home (where I get to deal with my mother and lack of ever quest for entertainment). After two weeks I had finally started to relax and sincerely believe that all this would just fade away. But on my first night back in the south I already encounter physical danger. Once again the Fates have decided that I am to be eternally miserable in my hometown.
And I’ve already expressed my extreme dread of the future. The first goal on my list when I return to MoHo is to finally get my driver’s license. I have to figure out what to do with my NY permit, hopefully they’ll just switch it to a Mass permit without making me retake the written test (how annoying!). Then I have to figure out how to even get to the DMV which is in another town (anyone willing to drive a helpless foreigner for a good cause?). Then I need MoHo to give me a letter proving my residence in Mass. Next I have to contact the driving school about lessons and to find out if I can use their car and person as sponsor for my road test (cause I don’t know who of my friends who are 21+ with an accessible car would be willing to come along, but any volunteers would be greatly appreciated). After all that, hopefully I’ll have a license. And then I get to worry about getting a car and insurance and all that, which in all likelihood I’m gonna need help from my father who won’t physically be in the States until December. I don’t know what I’m doing with all this transportation nonsense…I might not end up with a car until Christmas.
Next up is worrying about the GRE which doesn’t have a testing center in the vicinity. After that I get to consider when I want to go to grad school, if I want to grad school, what I want to go to grad school for, etc. Then I must compel myself to live in the CDC and attend every career event they provide since I am completely at a loss. I feel so completely useless to the working society that I’m in a state of panic.
I’ll never be a functioning adult at this rate.
“What is hope? Nothing but the paint on the face of Existence; the least touch of truth rubs it off, and then we see what a hollow-cheeked harlot we have got hold of.” - Byron