(no subject)
Somewhere along the way of growing up I keep reaching this endless detour which keeps looping me back into irresponsibility. I want to not care, I want to get drunk, I want to get high, I want to make a mess of things and have it all solved easily with Daddy talking to a teacher after school. There are so many real life (i.e. non MHC bubble) events that are about to charge and smack me onto the ground. I don't know how to do taxes, I haven't held a real job, and how am I ever going to find some place to live?
You know all those teenage rites of passage, like getting your license (hah! a joke in my case) or when you fill out into a bra (not a training bra, mind you)? Remember how someone would say "Awww, he/she's all grown up now!" very excitedly and you smile or get embarassed because you are, in fact, growing up? It's BULLSHIT. Inside they're laughing at you, snickering at how you're going to figure out that if you don't get your shit together you're gonna end up in the army.
At least when you're a kid, if you screw up, you get grounded. As an adult, when you screw up, you could quite possibly end up in jail. And there are very few people who are willing to show you the safe way into a prison free life. Many want you to figure it out on your own, just like they did. Maybe it is fulfilling to wake up one morning, sitting in your apartment and thinking "Shit, maybe this isn't so hard after all." However, I personally have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm living, who I'm living with, etc.
I suppose it's easier for most Americans in some ways to grow up. You're expected to leave college with a level of maturity sufficient for beginning your own life parents-free. You're young and ready to conquer the world. Since high school you've been building up credit and a financial base. Europeans do it a little different. In Spain, at least, not many people finish high school or feel the need to. They get jobs in their family restaurants and bars. They get married early and start families. They don't build financial credit early on. Many students have never had a job before. A lot stay close to home so they can live in their family's house. Hell, a lot of people just live with their parents until they're married!
One of my biggest problems is coming from a European background into the American transitional period of college-adult life. I'm not prepared in any way to lead an American adult life, but I'm not willing to be a European adult house-wife either. I've always been in that gray area between American and European - and until now it's been a huge plus. I have so many options that everything is just overwhelming. Do I want to live in the US or in Europe? Which language do I want to speak more often? Will my American citizenship be a problem in the job market (in Spain it is)? Do I want to continue studying or finally start working? Do I just want to suck it up and get married so I end all my whining?
A problem with having so many opportunities nowadays is being able to pick one... Or pick them all... Or pick none... Or pick two.... GOD DAMMIT. I want to be a professional sleeper, that's it. I'll test out people's beds for a living.
You know lately all I've wanted to do is smoke a large amount of cigarettes, drink a bottle of Jack, and sit on a beach. Forever. Screw this growing up shit. It's not for me.
And next year I get to graduate and decide what will become of me.
I don't feel older, I feel 16 again with a plethora of stupid decisions in front of me.
You know all those teenage rites of passage, like getting your license (hah! a joke in my case) or when you fill out into a bra (not a training bra, mind you)? Remember how someone would say "Awww, he/she's all grown up now!" very excitedly and you smile or get embarassed because you are, in fact, growing up? It's BULLSHIT. Inside they're laughing at you, snickering at how you're going to figure out that if you don't get your shit together you're gonna end up in the army.
At least when you're a kid, if you screw up, you get grounded. As an adult, when you screw up, you could quite possibly end up in jail. And there are very few people who are willing to show you the safe way into a prison free life. Many want you to figure it out on your own, just like they did. Maybe it is fulfilling to wake up one morning, sitting in your apartment and thinking "Shit, maybe this isn't so hard after all." However, I personally have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm living, who I'm living with, etc.
I suppose it's easier for most Americans in some ways to grow up. You're expected to leave college with a level of maturity sufficient for beginning your own life parents-free. You're young and ready to conquer the world. Since high school you've been building up credit and a financial base. Europeans do it a little different. In Spain, at least, not many people finish high school or feel the need to. They get jobs in their family restaurants and bars. They get married early and start families. They don't build financial credit early on. Many students have never had a job before. A lot stay close to home so they can live in their family's house. Hell, a lot of people just live with their parents until they're married!
One of my biggest problems is coming from a European background into the American transitional period of college-adult life. I'm not prepared in any way to lead an American adult life, but I'm not willing to be a European adult house-wife either. I've always been in that gray area between American and European - and until now it's been a huge plus. I have so many options that everything is just overwhelming. Do I want to live in the US or in Europe? Which language do I want to speak more often? Will my American citizenship be a problem in the job market (in Spain it is)? Do I want to continue studying or finally start working? Do I just want to suck it up and get married so I end all my whining?
A problem with having so many opportunities nowadays is being able to pick one... Or pick them all... Or pick none... Or pick two.... GOD DAMMIT. I want to be a professional sleeper, that's it. I'll test out people's beds for a living.
You know lately all I've wanted to do is smoke a large amount of cigarettes, drink a bottle of Jack, and sit on a beach. Forever. Screw this growing up shit. It's not for me.
And next year I get to graduate and decide what will become of me.
I don't feel older, I feel 16 again with a plethora of stupid decisions in front of me.