No mas silencio.
Ohh, shaking, shaking.
I want to see the leaves turn red and orange and yellow, crumple and fall to the ground. I want frost on my breath and energy to keep creating. I want to stay up late and cry and love the world. I want my friendships renewed. Today a bitter miracle: all three of my girls, online, all together, yet none of them responded. I showed up a half hour too late, and the opportunity was gone. Would it even have been worth it? I don't know. I'm scared that I'll never get to feel another of those Octobers because it's been so very long since I've talked to her and it might never be even close to the same. Maybe too much time has passed and we're spun out in different directions.
I
don't
know
I
don't
know
I
don't
know.
The time seems right and there are all these things that are coming together but I'm not really feeling it. I want it back. I want it to be better. I want to turn this mess around and come up on top. There hasn't been much of that lately. Is it too much to ask to share my life with the people I love? I don't care if it's too much, that's what I'm demanding. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being lonely and not talking and hating school and succumbing to boredom and I just don't want to take it anymore!
I AM DONE.
SO VERY FUCKING DONE.
I've been writing.
But I don't know if it will continue.
The style that I put things to paper in bothers me. It's not vibrant or funny or charming enough. I see things so clearly in my head, and then on paper they become the paper, they are 2-D and white with green lines.
And you know what? College is not my dream.
I will go because I'm told to and I understand that it makes sense and that I want to learn.
But I am fucking sick of school.
Unless college is very very different from high school, I don't think I can deal with it.
I am so so so so so so sick of bullshit from my school district.
College is what my mother has been whispering in my ear since I can remember.
I WANT AN EDUCATION, NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF DEBT! I WANT TO BE A BETTER FUCKING REPRESENTATION OF AMERICA THAN THE IGNORANT BIGGOTS EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK WE ARE. I DON'T WANT AN AMERICAN DEBT LIFESTYLE, GODDAMNIT!
And if I can't leave college without a giant fucking hole in my pocket because I haven't been a grade slave in high school, fuck that. If I'm going to be paying bills for the rest of my life, fuck that too. I've been telling myself for a long time that I'm not ambitious and that's a goddamn lie. I may not be driven to do chores in my mother's house and I may not be driven to achieve recognition in a tiny rural public school, but I am driven to do well in my job and in places where I'm challenged and stimulated and happy. I like living life the way I want to, even in the smallest respects. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT MY FUCKING PLANS. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT INSIDE MY HEAD, SEEING WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEART, SEEING WHAT MATTERS AND WHAT'S ME JUST BIDING MY TIME. I CAN BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL AND I WILL HATE IT IF I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT. AND WHEN THE NEXT CHANGE COMES, YOU CAN LOVE ME OR HATE ME ALL OVER AGAIN AND I NO LONGER GIVE A DAMN WHICH ONE IT IS. I AM WHO I AM, FOREVER, AND NOTHING AND NO ONE WILL OR CAN CHANGE THAT. NO MATTER HOW I FEEL OR YOU FEEL OR THEY FEEL, THIS IS HOW IT FUCKING IS RIGHT NOW.
I don't know who I'm yelling at anymore.
I do know that I like yelling, a fucking lot.
I want to see the leaves turn red and orange and yellow, crumple and fall to the ground. I want frost on my breath and energy to keep creating. I want to stay up late and cry and love the world. I want my friendships renewed. Today a bitter miracle: all three of my girls, online, all together, yet none of them responded. I showed up a half hour too late, and the opportunity was gone. Would it even have been worth it? I don't know. I'm scared that I'll never get to feel another of those Octobers because it's been so very long since I've talked to her and it might never be even close to the same. Maybe too much time has passed and we're spun out in different directions.
I
don't
know
I
don't
know
I
don't
know.
The time seems right and there are all these things that are coming together but I'm not really feeling it. I want it back. I want it to be better. I want to turn this mess around and come up on top. There hasn't been much of that lately. Is it too much to ask to share my life with the people I love? I don't care if it's too much, that's what I'm demanding. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being lonely and not talking and hating school and succumbing to boredom and I just don't want to take it anymore!
I AM DONE.
SO VERY FUCKING DONE.
I've been writing.
But I don't know if it will continue.
The style that I put things to paper in bothers me. It's not vibrant or funny or charming enough. I see things so clearly in my head, and then on paper they become the paper, they are 2-D and white with green lines.
And you know what? College is not my dream.
I will go because I'm told to and I understand that it makes sense and that I want to learn.
But I am fucking sick of school.
Unless college is very very different from high school, I don't think I can deal with it.
I am so so so so so so sick of bullshit from my school district.
College is what my mother has been whispering in my ear since I can remember.
I WANT AN EDUCATION, NOT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS OF DEBT! I WANT TO BE A BETTER FUCKING REPRESENTATION OF AMERICA THAN THE IGNORANT BIGGOTS EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK WE ARE. I DON'T WANT AN AMERICAN DEBT LIFESTYLE, GODDAMNIT!
And if I can't leave college without a giant fucking hole in my pocket because I haven't been a grade slave in high school, fuck that. If I'm going to be paying bills for the rest of my life, fuck that too. I've been telling myself for a long time that I'm not ambitious and that's a goddamn lie. I may not be driven to do chores in my mother's house and I may not be driven to achieve recognition in a tiny rural public school, but I am driven to do well in my job and in places where I'm challenged and stimulated and happy. I like living life the way I want to, even in the smallest respects. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU CAN'T SEE WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT MY FUCKING PLANS. SO FUCKING WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT INSIDE MY HEAD, SEEING WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEART, SEEING WHAT MATTERS AND WHAT'S ME JUST BIDING MY TIME. I CAN BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL AND I WILL HATE IT IF I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT. AND WHEN THE NEXT CHANGE COMES, YOU CAN LOVE ME OR HATE ME ALL OVER AGAIN AND I NO LONGER GIVE A DAMN WHICH ONE IT IS. I AM WHO I AM, FOREVER, AND NOTHING AND NO ONE WILL OR CAN CHANGE THAT. NO MATTER HOW I FEEL OR YOU FEEL OR THEY FEEL, THIS IS HOW IT FUCKING IS RIGHT NOW.
I don't know who I'm yelling at anymore.
I do know that I like yelling, a fucking lot.