(no subject)
why do we punish ourselves? that is my enigmatic question of late, a question to which no answer has been provided to me. until last night. i asked a friend, who had just broken up with his girlfriend of five years two months ago, why he was still talking to her on the phone when it clearly made him sad, to which he answered quietly, with no seeming hesitation, “in case there’s something left unsaid.”
The nature of his baritone voice and the easy position in which he sat showed no signs of indecisive pondering. He answered honestly and assertively, all without skipping a beat. Now, while I respect his choice, I can’t say I agree. If anything, I’m a little disappointed. Which brings me back to my question: why do we punish ourselves? You see, my loves, it’s a purgatorial loop that we’ve destined ourselves to be a part of, despite obvious warnings and previous examples. Fine, you find something unsaid and you speak it, but what happens later? The bottom line is, you’re still over. The fact that you’ve “gotten something off your chest,” well, isn’t the separation still in tact? So, by default, you’ve explored the unsaid, only to find yourself still lonely, still verbose, and still oh so very bitter. And whose fault might that be? It’s yours. YOU initiated the conversation. YOU’VE let yourself wide open. It’s YOU, for fuck’s sake.
but the slight, nearly undetectable romantic in me sighs the cliched "aww." afterall, how do you let go of five years of memories and inside jokes? for five years, he had molded himself into "the boyfriend," a character role he will not be able to get rid of for a long time, perhaps never. first loves never fade, my darlings. they are embedded in your psyche. you WILL smile when a long lost memory appears before your mind's eye as it plays out like a film on the silver screen. you WILL retain small habits you developed through your relationship. but, most importantly, you WILL have loved, and you will HAVE BEEN loved in return.
and THAT is why you punish yourself.
Because the pain is beautiful to recall.
The nature of his baritone voice and the easy position in which he sat showed no signs of indecisive pondering. He answered honestly and assertively, all without skipping a beat. Now, while I respect his choice, I can’t say I agree. If anything, I’m a little disappointed. Which brings me back to my question: why do we punish ourselves? You see, my loves, it’s a purgatorial loop that we’ve destined ourselves to be a part of, despite obvious warnings and previous examples. Fine, you find something unsaid and you speak it, but what happens later? The bottom line is, you’re still over. The fact that you’ve “gotten something off your chest,” well, isn’t the separation still in tact? So, by default, you’ve explored the unsaid, only to find yourself still lonely, still verbose, and still oh so very bitter. And whose fault might that be? It’s yours. YOU initiated the conversation. YOU’VE let yourself wide open. It’s YOU, for fuck’s sake.
but the slight, nearly undetectable romantic in me sighs the cliched "aww." afterall, how do you let go of five years of memories and inside jokes? for five years, he had molded himself into "the boyfriend," a character role he will not be able to get rid of for a long time, perhaps never. first loves never fade, my darlings. they are embedded in your psyche. you WILL smile when a long lost memory appears before your mind's eye as it plays out like a film on the silver screen. you WILL retain small habits you developed through your relationship. but, most importantly, you WILL have loved, and you will HAVE BEEN loved in return.
and THAT is why you punish yourself.
Because the pain is beautiful to recall.