(no subject)
just when i thought i was free, nostalgia reels me back into depression. in light of infant, and conversely, broken relationships, i thought i might give my two cents. or, maybe a dime.
the beginning is all touch-and-go, the critical period where each move is calculated to precision. you know how it goes, dont you my loves? first, theres a rumor, and like all gossip, it begins with a kernel of truth, some sort of nugget of reality that spins out of control into obsessive but fantastic yarns. "did you hear? she likes him! i heard..." its at that time when you go through hell on earth. like i said before, its hard to play coy when all youre used to is playing aggressive. you want to tell him everything, how youve memorized his walking sounds, how you know he's sick because he does this little particular thing with his mouth, how much you care (even though it scares you to death). of course you cant; its against dating etiquette.
then, through some miracle of fate, he likes you back! apparently, while you were learning to memorize his facial expressions and what they represent, he was looking at you too. the reaction you get when you hear this brilliant news is just that: brilliant. everything is brighter, shinier, and through physcial consequence you glow from within. people ask, "why were you just smiling to yourself just now?" you want to scream it to the world, "HE LIKES ME BACK!" but you just reply mysteriously, "oh, nothing..." youre out of your mind with pleasure, but youre just mostly filled with fear. fear that youve heard wrong, fear that its not going to work out, fear that youre just not good enough for him. you might posessive a strong sense of self but it only takes one boy to tear it all down. you know this, dont you loves? dont we all?
another miracle might strike. boom, youre seeing each other. the dating period where you both try to be as polite as possible, making sure youre not stepping on any toes as you assertively express your opinions. its funny, that phrase, youre "seeing each other." the meaning is two-fold, you're, one, (finally) dating, and two, really SEEING each other for who you really are. the theory is terrifying to me. for someone who is more or less guarded behind sarcasm and crap humor, having him see you, REALLY see you, naked and exposed...its terrifying. but you'll put up with it, correct? for your long term happiness, a little terror might be good for you.
finally, FINALLY, youre boyfriend and girlfriend. the committment is incomprehendable, but you try your damndest anyway because he makes you fucking happy. like the song, its in the kiss. everyone has their definition of what marks a great beginning of a beauitful relationship, and mine is the kiss. it can be sweet, like hi-youre-the-highlight-of-my-day. it can be passionate, like when you dont see each other for weeks on end. but most importantly, it is intimate. i dont think you share souls, or anything metaphysical like that, but it certainly is something, isnt it? that "oomph," that spark. its exciting, its fresh, its new, its YOURS to treasure for as long as that memory stays in your mind.
during the relationship, you have your highs and lows, but if youre lucky, youre floating high most of the time. however, its the lows that you should be thankful for. its gravely underestimated. when a couple goes through a rough patch and emerges for the stronger, THATS when you know youve got a good thing going. it might be miscommunication, or long distance, but damn it, if he makes you happy, you''ll bite the bullet and evolve into a trooper. maybe we ARE predestined, but it doesnt mean we cant budge it a little. ruts, fights, distance...its all menial if its worth it in the end. you have to brave or else, dare i say it, LOVE will fucking tear you apart.
maybe you cant get over the lows though, and we certainly seen that happen, havent we loves? the committment was too hard, the adoration fades, that honeymoon period waxes and disappears until you cant figure out why is it that you can feel your realtionship is slipping away from you. it hurts, you know. you hold a good poker face, but inside its like your mind throbes with all the consequences of breaking up versus staying together. if you stay together, you have to make sure that the bond is henceforth unbreakable. if you break up, you'll be single again. do you remember how to be single? for such a long time you're half of this cohesive identity, this seemingly inseparable whole. can you stand to be alone after all this time? can you stand the flow of questions that will certainly come after you publicly announce to the world that you are indeed over? over. thats another funny phrase.
so you are then. over. it hurts more than staying together. you take off any insignia that reminds you of him. you hide your pictures together so that you cant see and torture yourself with images of your past happiness. oh, how you were happy! did you make the right choice, breaking up? goddamn, you were so good together. you said you were going to stay friends, but who knows how that'll work out? thats just it, you know? no one knows. no one knows ANYTHING. someone might offer you generic advice as to how to get over the heartache, but its difficult to undo the past weeks, months, years. you see his car and your heart jumps a little, but you know it cant possible be him. HE LEFT YOU. you want to call him the night after, like every other night before the breakup, but you know its only habit. YOURE NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE. you might cry, though some might not. i was pretty sure all i have in my tearducts is dust, but its not true. pain wells up in your eyes, you know? and you HAVE to let it out, even if you dont want to.
the aftermath. you tell all your friends that youre over him, but are you seriously? are you over him? youre over the way he made you feel when he danced with you in his livingroom? youre over the letters he sent you which proclaimed eternity? youre over the pain of knowing he doesnt want you anymore? its doubtful, but you say you are anyway because you know you should be. it might have been weeks or months since its been over, but you still feel the tinge of regreat everytime you see a couple walk pass you. you both love and hate the images as it rushes around you: you love the sweetness the couple seems to enjoy in each others company, but you hate them all the same because you had that too, but YOU couldnt keep it, you fucking loser. all the things you didnt get to say...the thanks you want to give him for the wonderful times...the raging tirade you have built up over the days for making you miserable...but your tongue is heavy and your eyes are hazy. your mind is suffocating in the wake of fleeting ardor.
i think as girls, we have to remember to breathe in deeply and remember that the end of a relationship isnt the end of the world, even thought it sure as hell feels like it. god, you can feel it in your chest, right, all those sighs you want to breathe out all at once but you cant. hopefully, someday you can, and the hurt fades over some time has gone past. i have faith in us to overcome our self-built barriers that we have constructed to protect us from the tears and pain. i believe in you, my loves.
i hope this somehow touches something in your hearts, because it has certainly been cathartic to type all this out after all this time of keeping it all inside. this is MY deep breath.
the beginning is all touch-and-go, the critical period where each move is calculated to precision. you know how it goes, dont you my loves? first, theres a rumor, and like all gossip, it begins with a kernel of truth, some sort of nugget of reality that spins out of control into obsessive but fantastic yarns. "did you hear? she likes him! i heard..." its at that time when you go through hell on earth. like i said before, its hard to play coy when all youre used to is playing aggressive. you want to tell him everything, how youve memorized his walking sounds, how you know he's sick because he does this little particular thing with his mouth, how much you care (even though it scares you to death). of course you cant; its against dating etiquette.
then, through some miracle of fate, he likes you back! apparently, while you were learning to memorize his facial expressions and what they represent, he was looking at you too. the reaction you get when you hear this brilliant news is just that: brilliant. everything is brighter, shinier, and through physcial consequence you glow from within. people ask, "why were you just smiling to yourself just now?" you want to scream it to the world, "HE LIKES ME BACK!" but you just reply mysteriously, "oh, nothing..." youre out of your mind with pleasure, but youre just mostly filled with fear. fear that youve heard wrong, fear that its not going to work out, fear that youre just not good enough for him. you might posessive a strong sense of self but it only takes one boy to tear it all down. you know this, dont you loves? dont we all?
another miracle might strike. boom, youre seeing each other. the dating period where you both try to be as polite as possible, making sure youre not stepping on any toes as you assertively express your opinions. its funny, that phrase, youre "seeing each other." the meaning is two-fold, you're, one, (finally) dating, and two, really SEEING each other for who you really are. the theory is terrifying to me. for someone who is more or less guarded behind sarcasm and crap humor, having him see you, REALLY see you, naked and exposed...its terrifying. but you'll put up with it, correct? for your long term happiness, a little terror might be good for you.
finally, FINALLY, youre boyfriend and girlfriend. the committment is incomprehendable, but you try your damndest anyway because he makes you fucking happy. like the song, its in the kiss. everyone has their definition of what marks a great beginning of a beauitful relationship, and mine is the kiss. it can be sweet, like hi-youre-the-highlight-of-my-day. it can be passionate, like when you dont see each other for weeks on end. but most importantly, it is intimate. i dont think you share souls, or anything metaphysical like that, but it certainly is something, isnt it? that "oomph," that spark. its exciting, its fresh, its new, its YOURS to treasure for as long as that memory stays in your mind.
during the relationship, you have your highs and lows, but if youre lucky, youre floating high most of the time. however, its the lows that you should be thankful for. its gravely underestimated. when a couple goes through a rough patch and emerges for the stronger, THATS when you know youve got a good thing going. it might be miscommunication, or long distance, but damn it, if he makes you happy, you''ll bite the bullet and evolve into a trooper. maybe we ARE predestined, but it doesnt mean we cant budge it a little. ruts, fights, distance...its all menial if its worth it in the end. you have to brave or else, dare i say it, LOVE will fucking tear you apart.
maybe you cant get over the lows though, and we certainly seen that happen, havent we loves? the committment was too hard, the adoration fades, that honeymoon period waxes and disappears until you cant figure out why is it that you can feel your realtionship is slipping away from you. it hurts, you know. you hold a good poker face, but inside its like your mind throbes with all the consequences of breaking up versus staying together. if you stay together, you have to make sure that the bond is henceforth unbreakable. if you break up, you'll be single again. do you remember how to be single? for such a long time you're half of this cohesive identity, this seemingly inseparable whole. can you stand to be alone after all this time? can you stand the flow of questions that will certainly come after you publicly announce to the world that you are indeed over? over. thats another funny phrase.
so you are then. over. it hurts more than staying together. you take off any insignia that reminds you of him. you hide your pictures together so that you cant see and torture yourself with images of your past happiness. oh, how you were happy! did you make the right choice, breaking up? goddamn, you were so good together. you said you were going to stay friends, but who knows how that'll work out? thats just it, you know? no one knows. no one knows ANYTHING. someone might offer you generic advice as to how to get over the heartache, but its difficult to undo the past weeks, months, years. you see his car and your heart jumps a little, but you know it cant possible be him. HE LEFT YOU. you want to call him the night after, like every other night before the breakup, but you know its only habit. YOURE NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE. you might cry, though some might not. i was pretty sure all i have in my tearducts is dust, but its not true. pain wells up in your eyes, you know? and you HAVE to let it out, even if you dont want to.
the aftermath. you tell all your friends that youre over him, but are you seriously? are you over him? youre over the way he made you feel when he danced with you in his livingroom? youre over the letters he sent you which proclaimed eternity? youre over the pain of knowing he doesnt want you anymore? its doubtful, but you say you are anyway because you know you should be. it might have been weeks or months since its been over, but you still feel the tinge of regreat everytime you see a couple walk pass you. you both love and hate the images as it rushes around you: you love the sweetness the couple seems to enjoy in each others company, but you hate them all the same because you had that too, but YOU couldnt keep it, you fucking loser. all the things you didnt get to say...the thanks you want to give him for the wonderful times...the raging tirade you have built up over the days for making you miserable...but your tongue is heavy and your eyes are hazy. your mind is suffocating in the wake of fleeting ardor.
i think as girls, we have to remember to breathe in deeply and remember that the end of a relationship isnt the end of the world, even thought it sure as hell feels like it. god, you can feel it in your chest, right, all those sighs you want to breathe out all at once but you cant. hopefully, someday you can, and the hurt fades over some time has gone past. i have faith in us to overcome our self-built barriers that we have constructed to protect us from the tears and pain. i believe in you, my loves.
i hope this somehow touches something in your hearts, because it has certainly been cathartic to type all this out after all this time of keeping it all inside. this is MY deep breath.