Changes
I haven't posted here in a very long time. I doubt anyone I had on my friends list still posts here. But it will give me a chance to get things out in the open and off my chest.
Eight years ago, I was in a very bad place. You all read about all that crap. It wasn't fun. I've since healed, and while there's some scar tissue remaining, things are so much better. While I still think about him every single day, it is with fondness and no hard feelings. Without him, I wouldn't have that which is most precious to me.
In any case, onto new things.
About a month ago, I started getting heartburn. This is very odd to me because I never ever get heartburn. I chalked it up to getting older. I'm 30 now, and figure it just something that comes with age. Then, on October 24th, I came to the realization that my monthly friend hadn't been to visit yet. I put it out of my mind until last weekend. Monday was the end of the month, and to put my mind to rest, I took a test, thinking it would come out negative. It didn't.
So here I am pregnant again. I didn't think I wanted any more kids. I always thought it would be my Bug and me against the world forever. Honestly, because of a sickness I had a few years back, I didn't think I could have any more kids. My husband is thrilled, his family is ecstatic. My family is less than thrilled. I'm happy, scared, and confused. Part of me wants this, but there's still that nagging voice in the back of my head that says I'm going to do this by myself again. Once the baby starts crying, he isn't going to want to stay around. Once my hormones are fucked up and I don't want him touching me for a while, he's going to look elsewhere. Once I'm fat and huge and ugly, he's going to find someone who can accomodate him.
I know this is a load of codswallop. I know he'll be here. I know my daughter is thrilled to be a big sister. I know I can do this. But I feel like I'm doing it for the first time again.
I'm going to chronicle this journey here, rather than using notes on FB. There are people there I don't need reading my every thought. Even though no one but me may read this, at least I'll be able to look back at it someday.
As of right now, I'm approximately 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor says my due date is June 23rd (which is my firstborn's birthday). So far, I haven't had any morning sickness, just heartburn and cramping. I can feel the changes happening in my body, but there's nothing to see yet. I'm seriously keeping my fingers crossed for a girl!
Eight years ago, I was in a very bad place. You all read about all that crap. It wasn't fun. I've since healed, and while there's some scar tissue remaining, things are so much better. While I still think about him every single day, it is with fondness and no hard feelings. Without him, I wouldn't have that which is most precious to me.
In any case, onto new things.
About a month ago, I started getting heartburn. This is very odd to me because I never ever get heartburn. I chalked it up to getting older. I'm 30 now, and figure it just something that comes with age. Then, on October 24th, I came to the realization that my monthly friend hadn't been to visit yet. I put it out of my mind until last weekend. Monday was the end of the month, and to put my mind to rest, I took a test, thinking it would come out negative. It didn't.
So here I am pregnant again. I didn't think I wanted any more kids. I always thought it would be my Bug and me against the world forever. Honestly, because of a sickness I had a few years back, I didn't think I could have any more kids. My husband is thrilled, his family is ecstatic. My family is less than thrilled. I'm happy, scared, and confused. Part of me wants this, but there's still that nagging voice in the back of my head that says I'm going to do this by myself again. Once the baby starts crying, he isn't going to want to stay around. Once my hormones are fucked up and I don't want him touching me for a while, he's going to look elsewhere. Once I'm fat and huge and ugly, he's going to find someone who can accomodate him.
I know this is a load of codswallop. I know he'll be here. I know my daughter is thrilled to be a big sister. I know I can do this. But I feel like I'm doing it for the first time again.
I'm going to chronicle this journey here, rather than using notes on FB. There are people there I don't need reading my every thought. Even though no one but me may read this, at least I'll be able to look back at it someday.
As of right now, I'm approximately 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor says my due date is June 23rd (which is my firstborn's birthday). So far, I haven't had any morning sickness, just heartburn and cramping. I can feel the changes happening in my body, but there's nothing to see yet. I'm seriously keeping my fingers crossed for a girl!