Guilt
Hey all.
Just wanted to start off this entry by saying a big thankyou and giving away many *hugs* to all those who've expressed their sympathies over the loss of my cat Felix. Also a thankyou and *hugs* to all those that have helped keep me distracted with lovely Alex O'Loughlin Pics, Hawaii Five-0 Vids and Fics. Fandom is an awesome place to be, when you need to escape for a while. :-)
Now, onto the real reason I'm writing this entry. Guilt. It's a very powerful thing is it not? Even when it's self-impossed.
You see, one of the things that's upset me the most over the last couple of days, is my own regret over Felix's last moments. When it got to the point where the Vet had the injection ready for him, I couldn't stay. I didn't feel like I was able to and I had to go wait outside. Also, because my mum was so upset as well, she didn't want to stay in there without me (which makes me feel even worse!). This meant that Felix was left in there with strangers. Now granted, both the Vet and her Assistant were lovely but his last few moments were spent surrounded by two people he didn't know, rather than his family.
It's not even that I was afraid of the whole process. Indeed, in the past I've been present at the end for some of our other pets but at that particular moment in time, I just didn't feel strong enough to stay there and watch him slip away. It is something that I almost instantly regretted, and have not been able to stop thinking about over the last couple of days. If I could back in time and change my decision, then I would.
As it is, I know that this is something that I'm going to have to try to come to terms with but I fear that I shall carry some guilt over it for the rest of my life.
P.S. There is no obligation for any of you to leave a comment on this, it is just something that I felt I really needed to write down.
Just wanted to start off this entry by saying a big thankyou and giving away many *hugs* to all those who've expressed their sympathies over the loss of my cat Felix. Also a thankyou and *hugs* to all those that have helped keep me distracted with lovely Alex O'Loughlin Pics, Hawaii Five-0 Vids and Fics. Fandom is an awesome place to be, when you need to escape for a while. :-)
Now, onto the real reason I'm writing this entry. Guilt. It's a very powerful thing is it not? Even when it's self-impossed.
You see, one of the things that's upset me the most over the last couple of days, is my own regret over Felix's last moments. When it got to the point where the Vet had the injection ready for him, I couldn't stay. I didn't feel like I was able to and I had to go wait outside. Also, because my mum was so upset as well, she didn't want to stay in there without me (which makes me feel even worse!). This meant that Felix was left in there with strangers. Now granted, both the Vet and her Assistant were lovely but his last few moments were spent surrounded by two people he didn't know, rather than his family.
It's not even that I was afraid of the whole process. Indeed, in the past I've been present at the end for some of our other pets but at that particular moment in time, I just didn't feel strong enough to stay there and watch him slip away. It is something that I almost instantly regretted, and have not been able to stop thinking about over the last couple of days. If I could back in time and change my decision, then I would.
As it is, I know that this is something that I'm going to have to try to come to terms with but I fear that I shall carry some guilt over it for the rest of my life.
P.S. There is no obligation for any of you to leave a comment on this, it is just something that I felt I really needed to write down.