First Love, Chapter 1
Author: Cherimola
Title: First Love
Genre: Drama, future fic, angst and romance
Rating: Parts one and two are mildly PG (mostly just a few s--ts). The story then gets very NC-17 very quickly. Individual chapters will vary.
Characters: Luke and Reid (ATWT)
Warnings: Explicit sex, indulgent angst. But with a guarantee of a ridiculously happy ending.
Disclaimer: Silly, you can’t own real people. Wait, what?
Summary: Luke has never forgiven himself for letting Reid go. Finally, a chance to write a different ending.
Author’s Note: My contribution to the first-fic-ever genre. The story is set three years in the future. The original idea came from what I had assumed would be the endgame; the impetus to start writing was hearing the real-endgame rumor. I preferred to live in my future, thank you. Regarding the timeframe, though I began writing this story at the beginning of July, I’ve decided that my timeline and the show’s timeline don’t diverge until just before the bridal suite scene on August 3rd. There is no talk of Victorian waiting in my universe (but there was no sex, either). Assume that some of the events of the Aug 10th episode did happen, however - specifically, Noah’s asking Luke to go to LA and Luke's turning him down (and then telling Reid about it). Please pretend that Reid never lived in Brooklyn (a bit of canon that came too late in the writing process).
AO3 link
Chapter 1
Why aren’t I having a better time?
Luke wandered into the crowded ballroom, idly eyeing name tags. Something medical. Explains the open bar. He pushed further in, wondering why he wasn’t out enjoying the greatest city in the world. I finally get back to New York, and I don’t even leave the hotel. Tomorrow, he thought, I’ll be full of energy tomorrow. Ready to take on the city. Back to my old self. Whoever that was.
For now, Luke just wanted to get lost in a roomful of strangers. He found himself checking out the spread - not that he was hungry, but because being around people in medicine made him think of…yeah, Luke, what doesn’t? He would never, ever admit to himself that his heart had stuttered a bit when he’d realized this was a medical conference; neither would he admit that his remaining in the ballroom had anything to do with the infinitesimal chance that he would be there. Because that would be pathetic. More than usual. He refused to peer more closely at the nametags to see the association name - in case his pathetic (pathetic, Luke!) hopes had any foundation. Not that his not knowing helped keep those tiny hopes alive. No, he could never acknowledge that particular line of reasoning. Not if he wanted to make it through another day. (Alone.)
Luke picked through the canapés, almost daring someone to stop him. Self-destructive much? He stayed away from the bar.
“Better than last time, huh?”
Startled out of his reverie, Luke turned to the man on his right. Young-ish. Good looking, if Luke ever noticed such things anymore. Luke offered him a crooked smile. “Yeah, well, to be honest, I’m kind of crashing.”
The man laughed, “Beats New York restaurant prices.”
Luke’s smile widened. “And eating alone.”
“Oh yeah, can’t beat the company. Room full of drug reps and neurosurgeons.”
A heart can literally stop beating. I’ll have to keep that in mind should I ever start writing again.
“And which are you?” Distantly, Luke marveled at his ability to appear normal, to pretend that his heart had, in fact, resumed beating.
“Surgeon. Alex Martin.”
“Luke Snyder.” From somewhere outside his body, Luke watched himself shake the man’s hand.
“So what relatively exotic life do you lead, Luke?”
“What? Oh, nothing too exciting. Foundation work, mostly.”
“Better watch out - this crowd can smell free money.”
There, I’m mostly back in my body now, right? “Well, actually, we do work a lot with hospitals.” Which has nothing to do with him. Nothing.
“Really? Where are you based?”
“Um, well, I was in LA for a while, but now I’m back home. In Illinois.”
“Chicago?”
“No, place called Oakdale.”
Alex (that was his name, right?) smiled. “No kidding? Friend of mine used to work there. Of course he called it something else.” He started to look around.
What? WHAT?
“Hey! You’ll never guess who I found.” Alex waved someone through the crowd, standing aside to make room.
This time, Luke’s breathing stopped as well as his heart. Well, I guess that makes sense. Nothing can happen without a heartbeat. Huh, I wonder if I’m in shock? Good thing there are doctors around. Is mental babbling a symptom? Babbling….
And then Reid was there. In that dark shirt and those dark jeans. With that hair and that face. That body. Looking at Luke with casual disinterest. Wait, what? This wasn’t how it was suppose to go. Not that Luke had ever imagined this moment.
Alex clasped his hand to Reid’s shoulder. (Nooo.) “Thought you said I’d never run into anyone from Oakdale. That was the name, right? Have to say, Reid, this guy seems pretty normal.” Alex was grinning widely. “Not inbred at all.” He turned to Luke, “No offense - just that Reid didn’t seem to have the best time there.”
Luke searched Reid’s face, looked for some sign, anything. “None taken. I know it wasn’t the most exciting place for someone of Reid’s caliber.” Should I have called him Dr. Oliver? Luke was surprised he was able to speak at all.
Alex looked delighted with the turn of events. “Ah, of course you would have heard of him. Reid’s got a way of making his presence known.” By this time Alex’s hand was finally off Reid’s shoulder. “Was your foundation involved with that ill-fated neuro wing?”
Still nothing from Reid. Nothing. “Um, yes, actually, a little.”
Alex didn’t seem surprised that Reid wasn’t contributing to the conversation. “Don’t suppose you could fill in any details about his time there? Such a mysterious detour.” Alex smiled at Reid a bit wickedly. (Too wickedly.)
Luke answered quickly. (Too quickly.) “No, no, sorry.” He rubbed his ear.
“Ah, well, maybe the next person I run into.” Alex seemed not to notice the tension. (Or was that only on my part?) “So, Luke, how long were you in LA?”
Did Reid just take notice at that? “About two years.”
Alex smiled again. “Couldn’t stay away from Oakdale?”
Breathe, breathe. Remember how it went in your fantasies. “Actually, I left LA after I broke up with my boyfriend.” This time, he forced himself not to look at Reid. Play it cool. Well, as cool as possible. “That was almost a year ago.”
Even though Luke was focused on Alex, he missed the glint in his eye. “Really? Long-term relationship? Must have been tough.”
Please don’t make me talk about Noah in front of him. “Um, yeah. Since high school.”
“Wow, first love, huh?”
This is not how it was supposed to go. “Yeah, I guess.” Luke began planning escape routes through the crowd. Why hasn’t Reid said anything? Why isn’t he looking at me as if he sees me? Perversely, Luke almost wanted this line of conversation to continue, if only to get some sort of reaction. Almost.
“Aw, man, those are hard to shake. Took me most of med school to forget mine. One of the reasons I chose neurosurgery - knew it would be all consuming.” Alex casually turned to Reid. “Hey, remember that time I got you drunk? Told me even you’d had a first love.”
Finally, Luke saw Reid react. A small change, but noticeable to Luke’s Reid-attuned eye. As to what the reaction was, Luke couldn’t say. But it was there. And Luke wished it weren’t. He didn’t want to think of Reid loving someone. One of the high-school crushes? In college, before Reid’s shields were firmly in place? Luke knew he had no right to feel this way. Of course he wanted Reid to be happy, to have been happy. Even if that were with Alex. (Nooo.) Luke had had his chance. Well, OK, probably not, who was he kidding? As if, even had Luke not so royally screwed things up before they’d even begun, Reid would ever have fallen in love with him. At the thought, Luke’s heart squeezed in on itself and threatened to take his lungs with it. A fanciful idea at which Dr. Oliver would no doubt scoff.
I will not cry.
Alex wasn’t done yet. “You remember that night, don’t you? The bottle of cachaça?”
Luke was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear any more. As he distanced himself mentally, he vaguely noted that, in that moment, Reid reminded him of a statue. Roman, perhaps.
By now, Alex had turned back to Luke for the big finish. “And can you believe it? Turns out Reid’s first love had been in Oakdale.”
It took a moment for Luke to register what Alex had just said, had just done.
What he had just done.
Luke reentered his body with a thud. Wished he had been paying closer attention, because now he started to doubt. He must not have heard Oakdale. One look at Alex’s face, however, cleared up that doubt. Utterly dazed, Luke next tried to think of whom else Reid could have fallen in love with. When, idiot? Before you? While he was giving up his career for you? In those few days between your running back to Noah (stupid, STUPID) and his leaving town? But it still made no sense. It couldn’t have been Luke. Sure, Luke knew he had self-worth problems (as if he could possibly have been worthy), but it was more than just that - there hadn’t been time. They’d never even slept together (STUPID). And Reid had never once tried to contact him after that day. (How was I supposed to turn down Noah’s proposal?)
Then Luke looked at Reid. And Reid was looking back. Steadily. Still nothing there, nothing in his eyes, but Luke knew. And felt sick.
“Small world, huh?” Alex smiled at both of them. He’d had his fun. Luke wanted to punch him in the face. Punch something. He could only imagine the show his expressive face was giving everyone (shit, shit). Reid was keeping his emotions to himself, as usual. Certainly no feelings left there. Now Luke knew he couldn’t stop the tears. Not here.
Luke was determined not to embarrass Reid. He could do that much for him. “Well, I should probably get out of here before I’m discovered. Got an early morning meeting tomorrow, anyway.” He shook Alex’s hand. “It was nice meeting you, Alex. Enjoy the conference.”
Luke turned to Reid, smiling blandly. “Good to see you again.” It was all he could manage. If he touched Reid, even his hand, he was sure he would crumble. Into a thousand pieces. A puddle of flesh. Get out of there. Then Luke chose an escape route and didn’t stop until he was in the elevator. He didn’t look back.
Luke’s mind was racing, and yet it was blank. Finally, it settled on one thought: What have I done? No, another: What have I lost? The elevator reached his floor. Had there been other people on the elevator? He honestly hadn’t noticed. He made it to his door, found the key card in his hand. Wondered why it was wet. I must be crying. Finally, he was in his room. Sunk to the floor in the abbreviated hallway.
Realized he’d never even heard his voice.
Title: First Love
Genre: Drama, future fic, angst and romance
Rating: Parts one and two are mildly PG (mostly just a few s--ts). The story then gets very NC-17 very quickly. Individual chapters will vary.
Characters: Luke and Reid (ATWT)
Warnings: Explicit sex, indulgent angst. But with a guarantee of a ridiculously happy ending.
Disclaimer: Silly, you can’t own real people. Wait, what?
Summary: Luke has never forgiven himself for letting Reid go. Finally, a chance to write a different ending.
Author’s Note: My contribution to the first-fic-ever genre. The story is set three years in the future. The original idea came from what I had assumed would be the endgame; the impetus to start writing was hearing the real-endgame rumor. I preferred to live in my future, thank you. Regarding the timeframe, though I began writing this story at the beginning of July, I’ve decided that my timeline and the show’s timeline don’t diverge until just before the bridal suite scene on August 3rd. There is no talk of Victorian waiting in my universe (but there was no sex, either). Assume that some of the events of the Aug 10th episode did happen, however - specifically, Noah’s asking Luke to go to LA and Luke's turning him down (and then telling Reid about it). Please pretend that Reid never lived in Brooklyn (a bit of canon that came too late in the writing process).
AO3 link
Chapter 1
Why aren’t I having a better time?
Luke wandered into the crowded ballroom, idly eyeing name tags. Something medical. Explains the open bar. He pushed further in, wondering why he wasn’t out enjoying the greatest city in the world. I finally get back to New York, and I don’t even leave the hotel. Tomorrow, he thought, I’ll be full of energy tomorrow. Ready to take on the city. Back to my old self. Whoever that was.
For now, Luke just wanted to get lost in a roomful of strangers. He found himself checking out the spread - not that he was hungry, but because being around people in medicine made him think of…yeah, Luke, what doesn’t? He would never, ever admit to himself that his heart had stuttered a bit when he’d realized this was a medical conference; neither would he admit that his remaining in the ballroom had anything to do with the infinitesimal chance that he would be there. Because that would be pathetic. More than usual. He refused to peer more closely at the nametags to see the association name - in case his pathetic (pathetic, Luke!) hopes had any foundation. Not that his not knowing helped keep those tiny hopes alive. No, he could never acknowledge that particular line of reasoning. Not if he wanted to make it through another day. (Alone.)
Luke picked through the canapés, almost daring someone to stop him. Self-destructive much? He stayed away from the bar.
“Better than last time, huh?”
Startled out of his reverie, Luke turned to the man on his right. Young-ish. Good looking, if Luke ever noticed such things anymore. Luke offered him a crooked smile. “Yeah, well, to be honest, I’m kind of crashing.”
The man laughed, “Beats New York restaurant prices.”
Luke’s smile widened. “And eating alone.”
“Oh yeah, can’t beat the company. Room full of drug reps and neurosurgeons.”
A heart can literally stop beating. I’ll have to keep that in mind should I ever start writing again.
“And which are you?” Distantly, Luke marveled at his ability to appear normal, to pretend that his heart had, in fact, resumed beating.
“Surgeon. Alex Martin.”
“Luke Snyder.” From somewhere outside his body, Luke watched himself shake the man’s hand.
“So what relatively exotic life do you lead, Luke?”
“What? Oh, nothing too exciting. Foundation work, mostly.”
“Better watch out - this crowd can smell free money.”
There, I’m mostly back in my body now, right? “Well, actually, we do work a lot with hospitals.” Which has nothing to do with him. Nothing.
“Really? Where are you based?”
“Um, well, I was in LA for a while, but now I’m back home. In Illinois.”
“Chicago?”
“No, place called Oakdale.”
Alex (that was his name, right?) smiled. “No kidding? Friend of mine used to work there. Of course he called it something else.” He started to look around.
What? WHAT?
“Hey! You’ll never guess who I found.” Alex waved someone through the crowd, standing aside to make room.
This time, Luke’s breathing stopped as well as his heart. Well, I guess that makes sense. Nothing can happen without a heartbeat. Huh, I wonder if I’m in shock? Good thing there are doctors around. Is mental babbling a symptom? Babbling….
And then Reid was there. In that dark shirt and those dark jeans. With that hair and that face. That body. Looking at Luke with casual disinterest. Wait, what? This wasn’t how it was suppose to go. Not that Luke had ever imagined this moment.
Alex clasped his hand to Reid’s shoulder. (Nooo.) “Thought you said I’d never run into anyone from Oakdale. That was the name, right? Have to say, Reid, this guy seems pretty normal.” Alex was grinning widely. “Not inbred at all.” He turned to Luke, “No offense - just that Reid didn’t seem to have the best time there.”
Luke searched Reid’s face, looked for some sign, anything. “None taken. I know it wasn’t the most exciting place for someone of Reid’s caliber.” Should I have called him Dr. Oliver? Luke was surprised he was able to speak at all.
Alex looked delighted with the turn of events. “Ah, of course you would have heard of him. Reid’s got a way of making his presence known.” By this time Alex’s hand was finally off Reid’s shoulder. “Was your foundation involved with that ill-fated neuro wing?”
Still nothing from Reid. Nothing. “Um, yes, actually, a little.”
Alex didn’t seem surprised that Reid wasn’t contributing to the conversation. “Don’t suppose you could fill in any details about his time there? Such a mysterious detour.” Alex smiled at Reid a bit wickedly. (Too wickedly.)
Luke answered quickly. (Too quickly.) “No, no, sorry.” He rubbed his ear.
“Ah, well, maybe the next person I run into.” Alex seemed not to notice the tension. (Or was that only on my part?) “So, Luke, how long were you in LA?”
Did Reid just take notice at that? “About two years.”
Alex smiled again. “Couldn’t stay away from Oakdale?”
Breathe, breathe. Remember how it went in your fantasies. “Actually, I left LA after I broke up with my boyfriend.” This time, he forced himself not to look at Reid. Play it cool. Well, as cool as possible. “That was almost a year ago.”
Even though Luke was focused on Alex, he missed the glint in his eye. “Really? Long-term relationship? Must have been tough.”
Please don’t make me talk about Noah in front of him. “Um, yeah. Since high school.”
“Wow, first love, huh?”
This is not how it was supposed to go. “Yeah, I guess.” Luke began planning escape routes through the crowd. Why hasn’t Reid said anything? Why isn’t he looking at me as if he sees me? Perversely, Luke almost wanted this line of conversation to continue, if only to get some sort of reaction. Almost.
“Aw, man, those are hard to shake. Took me most of med school to forget mine. One of the reasons I chose neurosurgery - knew it would be all consuming.” Alex casually turned to Reid. “Hey, remember that time I got you drunk? Told me even you’d had a first love.”
Finally, Luke saw Reid react. A small change, but noticeable to Luke’s Reid-attuned eye. As to what the reaction was, Luke couldn’t say. But it was there. And Luke wished it weren’t. He didn’t want to think of Reid loving someone. One of the high-school crushes? In college, before Reid’s shields were firmly in place? Luke knew he had no right to feel this way. Of course he wanted Reid to be happy, to have been happy. Even if that were with Alex. (Nooo.) Luke had had his chance. Well, OK, probably not, who was he kidding? As if, even had Luke not so royally screwed things up before they’d even begun, Reid would ever have fallen in love with him. At the thought, Luke’s heart squeezed in on itself and threatened to take his lungs with it. A fanciful idea at which Dr. Oliver would no doubt scoff.
I will not cry.
Alex wasn’t done yet. “You remember that night, don’t you? The bottle of cachaça?”
Luke was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear any more. As he distanced himself mentally, he vaguely noted that, in that moment, Reid reminded him of a statue. Roman, perhaps.
By now, Alex had turned back to Luke for the big finish. “And can you believe it? Turns out Reid’s first love had been in Oakdale.”
It took a moment for Luke to register what Alex had just said, had just done.
What he had just done.
Luke reentered his body with a thud. Wished he had been paying closer attention, because now he started to doubt. He must not have heard Oakdale. One look at Alex’s face, however, cleared up that doubt. Utterly dazed, Luke next tried to think of whom else Reid could have fallen in love with. When, idiot? Before you? While he was giving up his career for you? In those few days between your running back to Noah (stupid, STUPID) and his leaving town? But it still made no sense. It couldn’t have been Luke. Sure, Luke knew he had self-worth problems (as if he could possibly have been worthy), but it was more than just that - there hadn’t been time. They’d never even slept together (STUPID). And Reid had never once tried to contact him after that day. (How was I supposed to turn down Noah’s proposal?)
Then Luke looked at Reid. And Reid was looking back. Steadily. Still nothing there, nothing in his eyes, but Luke knew. And felt sick.
“Small world, huh?” Alex smiled at both of them. He’d had his fun. Luke wanted to punch him in the face. Punch something. He could only imagine the show his expressive face was giving everyone (shit, shit). Reid was keeping his emotions to himself, as usual. Certainly no feelings left there. Now Luke knew he couldn’t stop the tears. Not here.
Luke was determined not to embarrass Reid. He could do that much for him. “Well, I should probably get out of here before I’m discovered. Got an early morning meeting tomorrow, anyway.” He shook Alex’s hand. “It was nice meeting you, Alex. Enjoy the conference.”
Luke turned to Reid, smiling blandly. “Good to see you again.” It was all he could manage. If he touched Reid, even his hand, he was sure he would crumble. Into a thousand pieces. A puddle of flesh. Get out of there. Then Luke chose an escape route and didn’t stop until he was in the elevator. He didn’t look back.
Luke’s mind was racing, and yet it was blank. Finally, it settled on one thought: What have I done? No, another: What have I lost? The elevator reached his floor. Had there been other people on the elevator? He honestly hadn’t noticed. He made it to his door, found the key card in his hand. Wondered why it was wet. I must be crying. Finally, he was in his room. Sunk to the floor in the abbreviated hallway.
Realized he’d never even heard his voice.