the teaching chronicles - when you are near breaking point
Every morning, as I wait for the bus that takes me to school, I tell myself: I am going to quit today.
Actually, this feeling only surfaced this week. I wake up, fuss about getting ready, dress up, make up, try to catch the headlines while telling my maid to prepare what breakfast and put it into the lunchbox, I mentally curse and swear at WHY I AM AWAKE AND SO BUSY AT SUCH AN HOUR. And by 638am, pronto, I bumble out of the house and quickstep to the bus-stop. Every single morning, I vow to myself I am going to quit.
But I don't.
As we sing Majulah and say our pledge and the school song, I remind myself: Quit today. But I don't. Somehow along the middle of the day, I get abit more enlightened about this job of mine - why I'm doing this (not just cos it's good $$), what responsiblities I have, and I try to remind myself what do I actually like about this. And then I enter a class that renews my belief and purpose, which is why I end up not handing in my resignation letter - yet. I mean, by all legal binding terms, I am allowed to terminate my position any time I like, but because I'm not just a relief that is dispensable, I don't. And I can't.
I still can't foresee myself being a teacher as my career. I cannot deal with nagging at kids to hand in their HW, shouting to actually make myself heard in class, all the stacks of shit to mark, and the MORNINGS omg. (And not like the pay is any good.) Over the past few months which I have been here, I think because I can relate to them now, I can finally understand that teachers are teachers only because they want to be teachers. They actually want to teach, which is why they are here. I don't believe any teacher who finds no interest or drive in teaching will actually be a teacher. Because it can get so unbearable. And I'm not even a full-time teacher! Can you imagine their lives. They even have to manage a CCA and a form class - and those are responsibilities I don't have to take. (Thank goodness.) So maybe that's why they say teachers are as noble as mothers are. Should have appreciated them more I guess?
Sometimes I meet a class which makes me want to quit ON THE SPOT, but this gear inside me ticks and I just don't do so. I told myself I will not quit - I will not let the students make me quit. I'm not about to give up and succumb to stress just yet! I stay on and I persevere, no matter how bad this shit can get. At the end of the day, like when I complain to my father about my day, we all tell ourselves, IT IS ONLY A JOB. Don't and never let it take over your life! Awesome. Life's wonder words.
Maybe tomorrow morning I'll feel like quitting again. But I won't. And I just wait for the weekend to come, and make sure I enjoy every damn minute of it. I sometimes think about the Army boys, and I tell myself, this is nothing compared to the shit they are probably getting now. Then I feel a little better! (I'm not building my happiness on your sufferings k.)
Good Lord. I feel abit less jaded now. So, it's back to viewing TKMB! Awesome -.- Okay at least it beats marking anytime.
Actually, this feeling only surfaced this week. I wake up, fuss about getting ready, dress up, make up, try to catch the headlines while telling my maid to prepare what breakfast and put it into the lunchbox, I mentally curse and swear at WHY I AM AWAKE AND SO BUSY AT SUCH AN HOUR. And by 638am, pronto, I bumble out of the house and quickstep to the bus-stop. Every single morning, I vow to myself I am going to quit.
But I don't.
As we sing Majulah and say our pledge and the school song, I remind myself: Quit today. But I don't. Somehow along the middle of the day, I get abit more enlightened about this job of mine - why I'm doing this (not just cos it's good $$), what responsiblities I have, and I try to remind myself what do I actually like about this. And then I enter a class that renews my belief and purpose, which is why I end up not handing in my resignation letter - yet. I mean, by all legal binding terms, I am allowed to terminate my position any time I like, but because I'm not just a relief that is dispensable, I don't. And I can't.
I still can't foresee myself being a teacher as my career. I cannot deal with nagging at kids to hand in their HW, shouting to actually make myself heard in class, all the stacks of shit to mark, and the MORNINGS omg. (And not like the pay is any good.) Over the past few months which I have been here, I think because I can relate to them now, I can finally understand that teachers are teachers only because they want to be teachers. They actually want to teach, which is why they are here. I don't believe any teacher who finds no interest or drive in teaching will actually be a teacher. Because it can get so unbearable. And I'm not even a full-time teacher! Can you imagine their lives. They even have to manage a CCA and a form class - and those are responsibilities I don't have to take. (Thank goodness.) So maybe that's why they say teachers are as noble as mothers are. Should have appreciated them more I guess?
Sometimes I meet a class which makes me want to quit ON THE SPOT, but this gear inside me ticks and I just don't do so. I told myself I will not quit - I will not let the students make me quit. I'm not about to give up and succumb to stress just yet! I stay on and I persevere, no matter how bad this shit can get. At the end of the day, like when I complain to my father about my day, we all tell ourselves, IT IS ONLY A JOB. Don't and never let it take over your life! Awesome. Life's wonder words.
Maybe tomorrow morning I'll feel like quitting again. But I won't. And I just wait for the weekend to come, and make sure I enjoy every damn minute of it. I sometimes think about the Army boys, and I tell myself, this is nothing compared to the shit they are probably getting now. Then I feel a little better! (I'm not building my happiness on your sufferings k.)
Good Lord. I feel abit less jaded now. So, it's back to viewing TKMB! Awesome -.- Okay at least it beats marking anytime.