It's how you see the world
It is an honest thing to say that i think that angels exist. It might just be how you see the world, but i stand true to it. Let me know if you can agree:
I think that angels exist all around us...ones we cant see, ones we cant hear..ones that stand next to us in our down times of trials and suffering...
But i think that the angels that i love having around the most of all are the ones that exist in our daily lives. The ones that we talk to, relate to, and have the comfort of sharing our everything with.
I notice that i have a lot of these angels in my life right now.
You are one of them.
Thanks for dropping down from the sky and finding me.
And now for some updates:
They increased my calories...AGAIN. My damn metabolism is still in the shitter pretty much, and i am not gaining like they want me to be...so i feel like i am binging with every meal i eat, thus making me hate my body a lot lately. I feel like i am failing in that aspect because i only want to absolutely love myself and this process of me gaining weight is SO FREAKIN GRADUAL...it's Chinese water torture...seriously. I truthfully cannot believe how messed up my system STILL is... :(
I went back to MSU for the weekend and stayed with Taylor and Todd and the puppy Satch!(minus Kiel, BUT i slept in his bed...SCORE!) ;) Tag you're it player!
It seriously was a great weekend. Hanging out with Tay-Tay and just being who we are, nothing more nothing less, was all i could ask for. It was a very supportive environment and even if i tried to be uncomfortable with having to bring my food for my meal plans or just being myself, i couldnt. I like being real and i even loved the little argument we got in at the movies on Saturday because neither one of us was covering up our beliefs on the issue for fear of hurting the other.
Went out with Lisa and Jessers for some quality food and laughs. Talked of a potential springbreak (oh yeah, mom, meant to talk to you about that...) :)
Contins.
Todd tried to teach me the guitar...i tell you people, i will do and try anything now. But that shit is hard, not gonna lie.
I dont really need to relay exacts or definites, but i do know this exact thing most definitely: I laughed a lot this weekend...a hell of a lot, and it was real to feel that laughter too. And i loved every moment...even crying for a half hour straight sobbing watching Ladder49. But i learned that even in the moments that you are hurting and the tears wont cease falling, if you let them in, there will always be someone there to hold you.
It was almost as if the little Eating Disorder Fairy dropped down from the depths of oblivion and tested me this weekend. Many people randomly came into my life in JUST this weekend alone and shared a little tid and tad with me about their lives with addiction. At church, in a neighbor's apartment, in a car ride, on the street. I am not talking one or two--i am talking 4 different times, all different people.
Angels I tell you.
I moved out of the clinic on Thursday (the 12th to be exact). I am living with my parents and decided to take the spring semester off of school to focus completely on my recovery and myself..while taking an online class. :)
Its funny as i realized that for most of my young adult and adult life...i have ALWAYS craved having a person to fall in love with...having a significant other, someone to cure all of my insecurities (because for most of it, i thought thats how it worked)--i'd fall in love, and all of my problems would vanish.
As i look at my life right now, i do not care for the love, for the desire of a significant other...i only crave the love of people close to my heart. I do not wish for love, nor do i hope for a man to fall down from the heavens to love me unconditionally like before...i only wish for the continual love i am learning to feel in my heart for life and for myself.
I am in fact looking for a person, any person, to rent my room, now..in the summer, freaking whenever someone can move in would be quality. Just uh, let me know? My parents moved all of my stuff out on Thursday, bless their hearts.
It was the best decision to not go back to that house for my own sake and sanity. Its a very painful environment. Its not something i want to feel ever again...its something i put behind me. I had more painful moments in that house than happy ones unfortunately...and honestly. I thank my roommates for being supportive with my well-being when i saw them shortly as i gathered my last remains of living there.
It was weird to step into my old room--nothing of mine remained there that could resemble my fake life that was once there whatsoever. It was hard to even recollect my old memories in that small corner of the house, as it was the opposite of how i left it before moving to the clinic.
When i moved into that room 2 years ago, I covered up the coldness of the room with bright white surroundings, serenity, and tranquility. It was a cover-up to what i felt inside of my head and heart. I faked being bright and light in my life as it stood. I only ached to be that way because i knew deep down its how i really would be if i wasnt so consumed and lost. I was empty but i refused to let anyone SEE that.
Walking into that room again, with nothing being there that once resembled how i wanted people to believe me to be...it was a crush on the heart to realize that I was that room.
Once all of the fake bright, white positivity materials were gone...the materials that decorated the outer walls and environment once before...the only thing that remained when you took it all away was a cold, dark, restless box.
I was that box.
...A box that definitely needed to be covered up and decorated beautifully so that the core of it would never be exposed to anything around it. It's easy to cover up and hide broken pieces, but by simply covering it doesn't get rid of the break.
I cry now...taking it in...realizing, truly realizing, how empty i was. Ah, my heart is breaking thinking of it. This is what i need to feel. This is what i need to let myself go through to truly let go. And now with each day passing, i work my ass off and i try to patch these holes and fake covers that took years to build.
And i realize that it will take time to patch it all up and repair it all, instead of covering the ugliness as i once did.
Sometimes i still catch myself trying to simply cover up emotions.
Walking into that room...It was as if i had died, and in a way I did. I just need to learn to live it all over again...and with learning, i mean to wear my heart on my sleeve like i once did...trusting life and everything in it.
I dont really have much to lose...i lost it all once. Grieving and processing it all right now is the right thing to do.
It's just scary, but then again, its how you see the world that matters. I can just think of my angels.
I think that angels exist all around us...ones we cant see, ones we cant hear..ones that stand next to us in our down times of trials and suffering...
But i think that the angels that i love having around the most of all are the ones that exist in our daily lives. The ones that we talk to, relate to, and have the comfort of sharing our everything with.
I notice that i have a lot of these angels in my life right now.
You are one of them.
Thanks for dropping down from the sky and finding me.
And now for some updates:
They increased my calories...AGAIN. My damn metabolism is still in the shitter pretty much, and i am not gaining like they want me to be...so i feel like i am binging with every meal i eat, thus making me hate my body a lot lately. I feel like i am failing in that aspect because i only want to absolutely love myself and this process of me gaining weight is SO FREAKIN GRADUAL...it's Chinese water torture...seriously. I truthfully cannot believe how messed up my system STILL is... :(
I went back to MSU for the weekend and stayed with Taylor and Todd and the puppy Satch!(minus Kiel, BUT i slept in his bed...SCORE!) ;) Tag you're it player!
It seriously was a great weekend. Hanging out with Tay-Tay and just being who we are, nothing more nothing less, was all i could ask for. It was a very supportive environment and even if i tried to be uncomfortable with having to bring my food for my meal plans or just being myself, i couldnt. I like being real and i even loved the little argument we got in at the movies on Saturday because neither one of us was covering up our beliefs on the issue for fear of hurting the other.
Went out with Lisa and Jessers for some quality food and laughs. Talked of a potential springbreak (oh yeah, mom, meant to talk to you about that...) :)
Contins.
Todd tried to teach me the guitar...i tell you people, i will do and try anything now. But that shit is hard, not gonna lie.
I dont really need to relay exacts or definites, but i do know this exact thing most definitely: I laughed a lot this weekend...a hell of a lot, and it was real to feel that laughter too. And i loved every moment...even crying for a half hour straight sobbing watching Ladder49. But i learned that even in the moments that you are hurting and the tears wont cease falling, if you let them in, there will always be someone there to hold you.
It was almost as if the little Eating Disorder Fairy dropped down from the depths of oblivion and tested me this weekend. Many people randomly came into my life in JUST this weekend alone and shared a little tid and tad with me about their lives with addiction. At church, in a neighbor's apartment, in a car ride, on the street. I am not talking one or two--i am talking 4 different times, all different people.
Angels I tell you.
I moved out of the clinic on Thursday (the 12th to be exact). I am living with my parents and decided to take the spring semester off of school to focus completely on my recovery and myself..while taking an online class. :)
Its funny as i realized that for most of my young adult and adult life...i have ALWAYS craved having a person to fall in love with...having a significant other, someone to cure all of my insecurities (because for most of it, i thought thats how it worked)--i'd fall in love, and all of my problems would vanish.
As i look at my life right now, i do not care for the love, for the desire of a significant other...i only crave the love of people close to my heart. I do not wish for love, nor do i hope for a man to fall down from the heavens to love me unconditionally like before...i only wish for the continual love i am learning to feel in my heart for life and for myself.
I am in fact looking for a person, any person, to rent my room, now..in the summer, freaking whenever someone can move in would be quality. Just uh, let me know? My parents moved all of my stuff out on Thursday, bless their hearts.
It was the best decision to not go back to that house for my own sake and sanity. Its a very painful environment. Its not something i want to feel ever again...its something i put behind me. I had more painful moments in that house than happy ones unfortunately...and honestly. I thank my roommates for being supportive with my well-being when i saw them shortly as i gathered my last remains of living there.
It was weird to step into my old room--nothing of mine remained there that could resemble my fake life that was once there whatsoever. It was hard to even recollect my old memories in that small corner of the house, as it was the opposite of how i left it before moving to the clinic.
When i moved into that room 2 years ago, I covered up the coldness of the room with bright white surroundings, serenity, and tranquility. It was a cover-up to what i felt inside of my head and heart. I faked being bright and light in my life as it stood. I only ached to be that way because i knew deep down its how i really would be if i wasnt so consumed and lost. I was empty but i refused to let anyone SEE that.
Walking into that room again, with nothing being there that once resembled how i wanted people to believe me to be...it was a crush on the heart to realize that I was that room.
Once all of the fake bright, white positivity materials were gone...the materials that decorated the outer walls and environment once before...the only thing that remained when you took it all away was a cold, dark, restless box.
I was that box.
...A box that definitely needed to be covered up and decorated beautifully so that the core of it would never be exposed to anything around it. It's easy to cover up and hide broken pieces, but by simply covering it doesn't get rid of the break.
I cry now...taking it in...realizing, truly realizing, how empty i was. Ah, my heart is breaking thinking of it. This is what i need to feel. This is what i need to let myself go through to truly let go. And now with each day passing, i work my ass off and i try to patch these holes and fake covers that took years to build.
And i realize that it will take time to patch it all up and repair it all, instead of covering the ugliness as i once did.
Sometimes i still catch myself trying to simply cover up emotions.
Walking into that room...It was as if i had died, and in a way I did. I just need to learn to live it all over again...and with learning, i mean to wear my heart on my sleeve like i once did...trusting life and everything in it.
I dont really have much to lose...i lost it all once. Grieving and processing it all right now is the right thing to do.
It's just scary, but then again, its how you see the world that matters. I can just think of my angels.